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Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957)
Wonderfully, ludicrously bad
*** SPOILED SEAFOOD ALERT ***
Attack of the Crab Monsters is wonderfully, ludicrously bad.
Oddly watchable, since the theme seemed to be: confuse them with nonsense, blind them with pseudo-science, let the characters say words to each other to prove they're alive, and then drown everyone in stupid ideas whenever they aren't being eaten by crab monsters. It was "action-packed," in that the action was terrible, but consistent. The only time someone bothered to talk instead of actually being eaten by a crab monster, they were either talking about being eaten by crab monsters or they were a giant crab monster. Having a remedial third grader's understanding of science, their explanations of cause-and-effect were so laughably stupid that it didn't matter that they were tossing word salad while not being eaten.
Here, I'll save you some time with a wordy synopsis:
- "Scientists", some sailors, a hapless woman, and some dynamite walk into an island.
- "Zere are no peepul here!" says the laughably un-French French guy. "Maybe just ghosts! HEY GHOSTS! YEAH YOU COME AT ME BRO I'M FAT AND FRENCH AND ROCK MY STENCH!" Probably foreshadowing, there.
- "Why the crunchy face?" asks a crab monster who eats someone's head when they fall out of a raft on a shallow beach one minute after everyone walks into the island.
- "Let's blindly wander around," says everyone.
- "Let's blow up for no reason," says the plane.
- "Let's cuddle and read this dead guy's diary, since we can't find his body," says the hapless woman to everyone.
- They read about an indestructible chunk of "some terrible worm-like creature," which apparently no longer exists because why bother.
- "Hey, it's tomorrow! Let's go scuba diving in that shallow beach where that guy got decapitated yesterday."
- "Hey, Token Love Interest, while were down here swimming around in Decapitation Town, I'm going to try to sneak a kiss! You're my fiancée, so we should be able to kiss while wearing scuba regulators. That makes it legal."
- "Hey! You! Hapless Woman! Wake up! It's the middle of the night on a radioactive island where everyone went missing! Come outside and pet-me-I-mean-talk-to-me, I'm totally not a ghost, or French, or a crab monster, or a communist. You can trust me. Come, let us spoon on the beach."
- "Derp, okeydokey."
- Crab monsters are psychic, and they can talk in the voices of the people they eat, by telekinetically oscillating metal. Not flexible sheets of metal or anything like that, no. Like, chunks of metal. Slabs and bricks and appliances of thick, immoveable iron. Because why not? Lush jungle plants must have a high metal content, because the disembodied voices initially came from coconut trees.
- Also, apparently, "this species of normal land crab" doesn't have eye stalks. It has squinty North Korean communist eyes that make it look like a sad Henry Kissinger with legs growing out of his face. Also, fully articulated human eyelids made from someone's old poncho.
- Zee Fat French Stereotype lies down to hide from an avalanche and loses his right hand when some pebbles fall on it, leaving him with a severed stump. He passes out from fancy-watch loss. Camera pans to fancy watch on severed hand made of sweaty cake. In a remarkable display of empathy, his unharmed party asks the arriving sailors, "can you give us a hand?"
- This is all because of a pit that had just opened in the ground some twenty minutes ago. A pit with plants and small trees growing up out of the side walls. Oops.
- NEWS FLASH: Giant crab monsters can karate chop you, pinch off your head, eat you, and bust through solid rock, but their flesh is insubstantial, like mercury, so you can't hurt them because OH NO WE FELL INTO A PLOT HOLE.
- Also, they can absorb your memories, personality, fake accents, and sexism even after having digested your brain. Why? SCIENCE, FOOL! Here, I'll give you a 10 second lecture on electricity, then we'll gaze into this $20 tabletop light microscope and I'll show you how these "molecules are all wrong," because "the atoms are all disconnected!" Also, Electriiiiiicity! Woo-ee-ooo!
Everyone dies except the woman, the guy, the other guy, and the crab monster. Then the crab monster and the other guy die offscreen. Then there's some furious consensual hugging on a barren rock crumbling into the sea. Will they be rescued who cares the movie's over hahah sucker, roll credits.
Soul (2020)
It's a wonderful life, only better.
Ow. WOW.
Hats off guys; you did it.
The cast is superb. The point is clearly articulated. The art (every kind) is masterfully executed. The feels are real. Writing and direction are excellent. Thank you, for this.
Bluey (2018)
One of the best things on TV
This isn't just excellent children's programming, it's profoundly funny for parents as well. Truly extraordinary writing.
Facade (1999)
Wonderfully Weird
As others have noted, this is a love it or hate it film. If you're watching with any expectations then you'll likely be disappointed. If you really want a cheeseburger, but you're surrounded by sushi places, then it hardly matters if the sushi talks and the wait staff are naked and the condiment bottles all have drugs hidden inside -you're just not going to enjoy yourself.
On the other hand, if you're bored and hungry and can't decide between a sports bar run by drunk chimpanzees where every other TV is either playing an episode of Night Court or a live tennis match between dead people, and a brothel that only serves sushi on the naked bodies of giggling mental patients, then you'll probably have a blast. If hearing every word of clichéd dialog is more important than wondering why you can't hear any of it, then you'll be a sad panda.
Overall, this movie was a rewarding exercise in surreal dark comedy. It subverts expectations, and in many cases abuses them outright. Is it silly? You bet. Is it bad? No, not if you understand what it had set out to accomplish. Is it funny? I certainly thought so. The ending pretty well ties it all together. It's less of a mess than Rubber, but enough of a mess to illustrate WHY it was intended to be such a mess. If the cast of Seinfeld were dosed with acid and then set loose on the set of a B-movie crime drama, it would probably make for lousy television, but the guy with the boom mic would be laughing his a** off, and so would I.
Alien TV (2019)
Minions meet True Facts (brilliant)
Extra-terrestrial documentarians misinterpret everything and we howl with laughter. This may be a kids' show, but it's also one of the best things I've seen in a while.
The humor is quick-witted and understated, but not subtle; much is implied, but still obvious if you're paying attention. For characters with alien dialog, they end up with some actual depth. The dialog is amusing but not as clever as Minionese.
For family entertainment, Alien TV does an excellent job of skirting the line; there are some definite WTF moments to which stuffier viewers might object, but which I thought were hilarious and very well executed.
This show is clever, creative, accessible and broadly entertaining. Since I have a feeling that the show's creators are probably limited by expectations of their target audience, I'd love to see what they'd come up with for some more adult-oriented comedy.
I won't post any spoilers, even though that'd be difficult to achieve given the format. I will say that while the first episode is fun, the rest are progressively better. The series has an excellent arc.