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Aloysiusjumbo
Reviews
The Irishman (2019)
Vital I dredge this Missing
Three and a half hours, and not once did anyone surf a tsunami on a unicorn made of ice. It's no Frozen 2, is it?
The Hurricane Heist (2018)
Everyone Should Hang Their Heads
A passable plot is obliterated from the very start by terrible writing and abysmal acting. It's set in the USA but clearly filmed in England, with English actors whose American accents range from awful to even worse. I used to play Starsky & Hutch with my friends as kids, and I'm confident our accents and dialogue would stand up to what's on offer here.
It's telling that producer and provider Sky has set the film up so that, unlike every other offering on its platform, you can't fast forward or rewind, and that, when you press pause, there is no information on how far through the film you are or (this is what I wanted to know) how long is left.
I can't categorically say this is the worst film I've ever seen, because I've seen Spawn, and whilst I've entirely forgotten the content of that effort, I do recall it was very, very poor indeed. But really, just don't.
Monolith (2016)
Rejected from Tensionfest in a very major way
A Land Rover Discovery Sport that's been covered in cardboard and painted black locks itself with a young child inside. The mother tries to get the child out and succeeds.
And because I need five lines of text, I'm also writing this.
And this.