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Reviews
Feast (2005)
I guess the Razzies didn't hear about this film...
I get tired when people call a mediocre film "the worst movie I've ever seen" and I've tried to avoid wild statements like that. Surprisingly, Feast may honestly deserve that title. Never have I seen such an utterly dull and joyless horror film and I've watched Komodo Dragon on the Sci Fi channel.
Part of what amazes me about this film is how it fails to entertain on even a basic level. It's not hard for a horror film to be fun. Even the worst tend to be relatively watchable largely because most of us have a deep desire to be scared in one sense or another and the quick past and bad acting usually insure than most horror moves are brisk and funny.
What's amazing about Feast is that it fails on even the most fundamental levels of a horror movie. You have a cast of characters that are supposedly meant to parody horror film clichés (which we know because the writers were subtle enough to give them names like "hero" and "vet" along with title cards that briefly tell us a bit about them), however, the writing is so insanely bad that none of these characters manage to be funny. A good writer can try to write badly and end up with something hilarious. Here, two bad writers try the same thing and end up with some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard. Perhaps I made a mistake by not watching the film after partaking of heavy drugs or lead pipe to the head but there's simply nothing remotely funny about this film. What's worse, there's absolutely no reason to be invested with far too many characters to character about even if they hadn't been the most unlikeable, disgusting characters ever written (which, surprise, they are).
But the script isn't the only issue of course. The actors manage to do the awful dialogue justice and, once again, are not bad-funny but just plain awful. The cinematography is ugly. The soundtrack is tedious and incredibly sparse. The directing is un-inspired and not the least bit frightening. Worst of all, the pace is absolutely deadly, taking WAY too long for things to get started and never really managing to gain momentum like even a decent horror film can.
Like the most who have seen the film, I grew interested in Feast after watching the last season of Project Greenlight. Even with my love of that show and desire to see the summation of the 3rd season, Feast isn't worth watching. Nothing in the world could make this film entertaining. Go watch From Dusk Till Dawn or one of the Evil Dead films instead. Hell, watch Slumber Party Massacre or any awful horror movie instead. This isn't worth the five minutes it takes you to realize it's the worst movie ever.
Red Dawn (1984)
Great if your ten years old or seriously crazy. Amazingly bad otherwise.
So lets cover what happens in this movie. The Russians decide to invade the USA by sneaking in via Mexico. The first target the Russians chose to hit when invading the world's greatest super-power is none other than............a local high school in a small town in the middle of no where (a strategic stroke of genius if ever I saw one). Unfortunately for us, the high school was apparently the majority of the USA's military and now the whole country is on the verge of being ruled by the Soviet Union. And the Soviets aren't taking prisoners either. After murdering everyone in the school, they proceed to execute every American who they deem as a threat and eventually reach Nazi-levels of genocide. But when all seems darkest, a force of freedom and righteousness comes to liberate the Country. A force powerful enough to halt the Soviets in their tracks. A force made up of............about six teens with a few civilian guns. Ummm....yeah.
I remember when my friends and I used to play war as a kid. We came up with much more easy-to swallow scenarios than the one this movie is based on. I have a feeling that if we'd ever taken the time to film one of these games, our movie would have been a lot better acted than this one too. Most of the brat pack cast give some of their worst performances of the 80s (which is saying a lot) and the Russians tend to sound like they wandered in from a bad SNL skit. That said, it's hard really to blame the actors with such a awful script to work with. The only bright spot in the film is Milius's direction of the action sequences which is occasionally striking though not nearly enough to save this film. If you like Milius's style, watch Conan the Barbarian instead. At least that film knows that it's fantasy and makes its campiness work for it rather than against it.
I'm sorry I don't share the love for this film that some do. I think it's because I'm not completely and utterly crazy. Perhaps if I was, I'd enjoy this paranoid conservative wet-dream. As it stands, the film is only worth watching just so you can tell your friends about it and say, "I swear, it's a real movie."
Hitler: The Rise of Evil (2003)
This is humanizing Hitler?
Simply put, this is a simplistic and one dimensional film. The title, The Rise to Evil, should tell you that this isn't going to attempt to be anything deep or do much with Hitler's character. Rather, from the first minutes of the movie where we see baby Hitler looking evil with evil music playing the background, we are given a view of Hitler that presents his as a cartoony supervillian, seemingly ripped right out of a Saturday morning TV show. The film REALLY wants to make its case that Hitler was evil but does anyone need a movie to convince them that Hitler was evil? Ultimately, making him such a one-dimensionally evil character is both boring and confusing (one must ask how the inept, phsycotic character in the film cold ever persuade a nation to follow him or be named Time's man of the year). This film had a great opportunity to take a figure who has committed some of the most horrible acts in the 20th century, and try to delve into his mind. Instead, it basically just says, "Hey! Hitler was evil! Just thought you might like to know..." over and over again. The great irony is that the film still was attacked for presenting too sympathetic a view of the character. Give me a break.