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Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Hilariously bad
In the days leading up to the mega-huge day and date release of this movie around the world, some bad buzz leaked out. I heard things like "Spider-Man 3 sucks" or, among critics, "Third time's a yawn," and "Raimi thinks he can do it all by himself." I was trying to get my hopes down and not expect much. For reference, I thought the first installment was an okay film with 6/10, and SM2 was really a brilliant movie with 9.5/10. I did not see how it was possible to mess up. The ending of SM2 left such a great plot open. I wasn't expecting much though, after hearing many bad things about the movie.
One thing I'd like to clarify, to dispose this notion, is that I'm not a comic fan. I've never read a Spider-Man comic in my entire life. So, please, remember that not everyone who hated this film was a comic fanboy.
All right. I go into the theatre. I wait TWO DAMN HOURS since every show until then is flat sold out. I finally get in, and the opening logos come up. The opening credits were phenomenal, I thought we were in the clear. I thought that this movie was going to be an underrated sequel, ala Godfather 3 or Batman Returns. Then...the movie started. The first line in this movie is, "It's me! Peter Parker, your friendly neighborhood...you know." As soon as I heard that coupled with the cheesy music, I got a sinking feeling. That sinking feeling never left. I kept watching though, and I heard crap dialogue after crap dialogue spoken by Peter/Spider-Man. Such gems included "I'm so nervous," and "That's my girlfriend!" So then Kirsten Dunst playing Mary Jane arrives on-screen, who sings a musical number, yes that's right a song in Spider-Man, and then whines about her atrocious singing. Following is the worst scene transition I have ever seen, then we see a delightfully lame and cheesy fight scene. Amnesia and alien plasma being used as plot points only made me laugh more.
To my amazement however, the film kept getting worse. The first villain is introduced, played by Thomas Haden Church, and is developed with a personality and storyline for a whole of two minutes. He is only more unrealistic, and he is supposed to make the audience feel sad for him. It's quite hard to give a damn about the being made out of rocks when you know nothing about him.
After this, something(not going to say what for fear of spoilers) that was accepted as fact in the first two movies is just discarded and a new explanation is given and the viewers are supposed to blindly idiotically accept this as fact now. Peter is angry at this thing, and then he turns badass. However, badass in this case suddenly includes a dance scene where we can't see Peter's head who makes a complete moron out of himself. Sam Raimi then expects us to believe this repulsive scene which I honestly thought was a fantasy the whole time.
I'll stop describing the movie here, because that would be 'spoiling' this piece of garbage for you. However, you should be warned of the following. There is a super cool villain who is barely shown in the movie, a really boring climax fight, a moronic British female reporter, and BY FAR, the WORST CONCLUSION I have EVER seen on how to handle a villain's 'weakness'.
I left the theatre, trying to deny what I just saw. It didn't work, and I'm scarred for life. The entire cast was either baked or freaking tired of these movies when they were on the set because I've seen better acting from my little brother in the 3rd grade rendition of The Ugly Duckling. The dialogue was an abomination, and the crew of this movie pretty much deserves to be shot on sight just because of that. The story lines are cluttered, and character development has become a forgotten concept apparently. The film editing is the worst I have ever seen. I must say I'm ecstatic that it's disappointing in the box office.
The Good: A couple jokes that made me laugh, nice art direction, prettiful sets.
The BAD: Dialogue, acting, over the top tone, cluttered story lines, out-of-character script, lame effects, zero character development, nothing from the previous two movies, really sh-tty film editing.
Overall grade: 1 out of 4 stars D 3 out of 10
Recommended: NO
That's So Raven (2003)
Last great show ever on Disney Channel
In late 2002, the Disney Channel ended its winning streak with another great show. After that, every show ever on the channel has either been painful to watch or just so-so. The last show Disney had a winning streak with was...That's So Raven. The humor is satirical, witty, and hardly, if ever, relies on gross-out stupidity. I'm very glad this show was the longest running ever on the channel, but unfortunately its series finale just aired a few weeks ago. Do you know what that means. There is not a single great show on Disney Channel.
The premise, which, unlike most Disney shows made 2003 and after, is really pretty original. It is about a psychic teen who has two best friends, Chelsea, the ditzy sweet one, and Eddie, the hip-hop type person. She gets visions every so often, and she will try to prevent them or coax them into happening. That may sound repetitive, and at times it does get a little, but the way it happens changes enough to keep this a good show. The writing was some of the best on Disney Channel, and the acting, while not a masterpiece since it IS Disney Channel, is pretty good. And Raven, the lead, is a very talented actress and I hope she does more things soon. The only con to the show is the pointless character Cory, her brother who doesn't really contribute to the show, however in his new show (a spin off of this) he is a little funnier (BTW, Cory in the House is a fair show, and could become, with a tad of effort, the first good show on the channel in 4 and a half years). Also, maybe 6 or 7 episodes were kinda dumb in Season Four, but the last few episodes of the show were good.
My mom actually loves this show, believe it or not, and it's her "favorite kids show," and my dad thinks it's funny too. While I don't know for sure if every mom or dad will like it, it certainly is one of the more tolerable shows you can watch with kids.
So...forget about The Trite Life, forget Hellah Montana, forget Landfill of the Future(or at least the second season), and forget Kim Implausible. If you're only going to watch one show on the channel that's on regularly, watch reruns of That's So Raven. If you have a sense of humour, you'll skip out on some of the shows I mentioned(except Phil if you're easy to impress, or Cory in the House which isn't bad) and watch this comedy.
9 out of 10 or A-
Hannah Montana (2006)
If you think getting stabbed in the stomach is a hoot, you'll love Hannah Montana
The only possible reason anyone may ever possibly be able to love this show is if they like pain. This is one of the top 10 worst shows ever made, the only twist of words that could be used to make this sound good is if I say it's not as bad as The Suite Life. Still, I would recommend branding yourself with a prod saying you hate the show before watching that, whereas I would just recommend etching that in blood before watching this show. The wonderful originality and thought put into this is astounding. The premise is some popstar hick who people say can sing so they can laugh at her loud annoying voice is just 'a regular kid' who nobody knows is actually this 'Hannah Montana'. That alone makes this show painful to watch. There is no way this mega-star as the show says she is could not be traced one week after she first appeared on stage to her real identity.
The story lines are weak, every show ever made has worn them all out previously. The humor is disgusting, why can't people just move past the "LOLZ FART OMGZERZ" stage of their taste in comedy. References to undergarments and fecal matter is not very funny to anyone over the age of 2 with half a brain. The occasional joke that does not aim for gross-out value just makes fun of homosexuals and disabled people.
Someone should imprison the crew of this show so they don't continue to murder television. If you think bleeding and dying is fun, you'll love this show! If a show actually being good is a pre-requisite, then stay away from this. Better yet, watch something other than Disney Channel, because they have no good shows on at the moment, except maybe the TSRaven spin off, and even that isn't consistently good. Watch reruns of Raven, or Lost, or anything. Just not this and The Trite Life.
Gets 1.8/10 for one episode that actually made me laugh two times, then had nothing of remote quality whatsoever.
The Suite Life of Zack & Cody (2005)
One of the worst shows to ever disgrace my television.
Huh? I go on here and expect to see a bunch of bad reviews like for the junk that is ChalkZone, and everyone LOVES this show? What?! This show has got to be the lamest thing to ever vomit itself on to my TV since ChalkSlop. However I won't leave it at that, I will also explain why this show is just plain awful.
This crud is about two dorky twins who claim they're 14 but look about 9, yes nine. Anyway these two little dipsticks for some retarded reason live in a hotel. WTF??? Who lives in a freaking hotel?!?! And they go through the most unbelievable things ever, like they pretend to be the Prince of India. That's like the time I tried to pull off being the President. Anyways I gave this show about 10 episodes to become something more than hideous and it really didn't do much at all.
First off, I've got to say, while this junk might not be worse than ChalkSlop, its writing is much worse. The dialogue is freaking lame. In the 10 episodes I struggled through before throwing a shoe at my TV and never watching it again, I did. Not. Laugh. Once. Period. I couldn't believe how many times I heard the same old ha ha ha recording and every single time I thought, "Lyk oMg tHaTs LyK sO fUnNy! IF YOU'RE 3 YEARS OLD!!!" Here's an example. Character A asks: Why are you wearing that? Character B goes: Cause it looks goooood. Cue recording of preschoolers laughing. WTF???
The plots these dorky...wait, what plots?! Let me save you the time of finding out what is so bad about the story, and just tell you myself:
1. Big event happens to our hotel mooching family! OMG!!!
2. But, like,uh-oh! Heehee! Something has gone very wrong!
3. Dipstick 1 and Dipstick 2 think of an idea to fix this 'problem'! Hooray!
4. Uh-oh! Again! Teehee! They've been caught red-handed!
5. But, awwww! They learn some valuable lesson!
Oh, and by the way, every episode I've ever seen, the 'lesson' is always don't lie. Yes, every single time.
That about wraps it up for my review on this heinous show! But one quick last note: This show really doesn't deserve a star, a shiny star is too good for this show, I just gave it that since IMDb doesn't have a rating for -56578.