oldvinyl Reviews

The Lost City (2022)

A vanity vehicle for Sandra Bullock

[1/10 · 31 January 2024]

Pretty terrible. The whole film seems like a cheap copy of the least-good of the Indiana Jones movies. I'm done with watching any movie with Sandra Bullock in it, because she can't act to save her life.

In the first part of the film she swans about in a low-cut jump suit that is obviously taped to her skin with double-sided tape.

What has she done to her face? I'm shocked. Her nose looks as if someone took a craft knife to it, and her upper lip is weird. Sorry, but I would rather watch someone who's not been butchered by plastic surgeons and shot up with Botox injections.

The film itself is just an excuse to prance about in a remarkably well-manicured "jungle" and is really a pastiche of every similar film you've seen.

Bullock plays Loretta Sage, an adventure novelist with a strong romance element. Improbably, she's on a book tour with the male cover model of her latest book. (This never happens. I'm an author) Then she gets kidnapped by an eccentric billionaire who hopes she can lead him to an ancient city's lost treasure from her latest story. Oh, come ON...

Strays (2023)

Disgusted

[3/10 · 8 September 2023]

By the end of the first couple of scenes I was reaching for the off button, but I continued to watch it until after about 20 minutes or so the vulgarity overload exceeded my limits and I had had more than enough.

I'm not amused by jokes about the male anatomy any more than I would be amused by jokes about the female anatomy.

I was hoping for a feel good story. Or at the very least a dog-meaningful story. If you want to watch a really great dog movie, watch "A Dog's Life" instead of this trash.

I find myself wondering whether or not a 1 star rating would be more appropriate than the generous three stars I gave it.

Animal Control (2023– )

Unfunny American 'humour' + terrible cinematography

[1/10 · 8 June 2023]

This is just not funny. Puerile American 'humour'. But the very worst thing is that watching it can make you feel sick. The camera lurches, trembles, futzes about all over the place. Just look past the characters and you see immediately the background wandering around. I would bet this was entirely 'filmed' using hand-held camera phones. No doubt it had a budget of about $10. Honestly, I can find funnier and better filmed animal antics on YouTube. I got about half way through S01E01 but I am not going to watch any more of this mindless drivel. It's a shame I couldn't give it 0 stars, that would have been accurate.

Yalda: A Night for Forgivness (2019)

Deeply uncomfortable, powerful film.

[7/10 · 23 May 2023]

I have lived in places like Saudi which was pretty horrible, but never visited Iran. And after watching this depiction of a really depraved misogynistic society, I am very glad I didn't.

This production reminded me very strongly of another (series) about misogyny, namely, The Handmaid's Tale. I was struck with horror and disgust at the way in which Iranian women are treated by men, the drab crummy clothes they wear.

I don't think even in Saudi the concept of a "temporary marriage" exists, in which, typically, a young woman agrees to cohabit with an old man for a year or two in return for money. How disgusting.

The actors did a good job and the plot kept me guessing. I am not going to watch this again.

Luc Van Tien: Tuyet Dinh Kungfu (2017)

Enjoyable Kung-Fu

[8/10 · 20 May 2023]

A mix of comedy and really good Kung-Fu. I was very much reminded of Jackie Chan's best moves, in fact, both my wife and I suspected that the comedic sequences were inspired by Jackie's films.

The basic premise of the plot, that is, the time travelling out-of-period warrior, yes, it's been done before, but that doesn't matter. There really isn't a lot to the plot, I'd describe it as a romantic comedy. Andy Long is as fit as a butcher's dog; the acrobatics in the fight sequences made me wonder if he had experience as a circus performer. Judging by his name and physical experience, I guess he has some Western ancestry.

And that's it... if you like chop socky movies you will like this one, if not, well don't bother with it then, because you'd be disappointed.

I'm No Longer Here (2019)

Downbeat, gritty, realistic cinema.

[9/10 · 4 May 2023]

Set in Monterrey, Mexico, and NYC, this film tells the story of 17 y.o. Ulises Samperio, a marginal kid involved with a street gang. It's a tough, gritty film set in the Monterrey of 2010 with great performances from untrained actors. There's no attempt to justify the gangsta life, we see it for what it is. Many of the scenes shot in Monterrey showed me parts of the city I wouid never set foot in. This is a hard film to watch, but you will remember it for a long time afterwards. The difficult part of watching it is the disjointed nature of the timeline, in which the NYC footage (after he's forced to leave Monterrey) is spliced into the Monterrey scenes in such a way that it's difficult to piece together at times.

The Rehearsal (2022– )

It's just drivel.

[1/10 · 4 September 2022]

Watching the Yellow Pages being read on TV, one entry at a time, would be more interesting than this. It's terrible. Just goes on and on. It's ridiculous to ask for a 600 character review of nothing. Meaningless boring interaction with boring superficial people... I guess this could only be popular in America because anywhere else ... people would have fallen asleep. What is the point of tripe like this? People actually get paid for doing this? 600 characters? Heavens above surely I have written at least 6000 characters by now. Quode erat demonstrandum, surely it's 500 characters by now... is there a bug?

The Legend of Molly Johnson (2021)

Disappointing

[3/10 · 6 July 2022]

I was hoping for some Ned Kelly style action in this film, but no. Overall I found the whole thing depressing. I would not want to see it again. Usually I enjoy Australian films. Not this one though.

The Orville (2017–2022)

Series 2 ?Meh.

[3/10 · 10 June 2022]

Series 2 E01 - meh E02 - terrible. An old much repeated plot, involving taking some diplomat to have a chat somewhere. Boring boring boring. A complete failure of imagination.

Toast of Tinseltown (2022– )

I tried to like this.

[2/10 · 20 May 2022]

I can't imagine whether the writers thought they were playing to the American or British audience. Episode 1 wasn't very funny. Episode 2 was plain awful with a few LOL moments. I got half way through the increasingly terrible episode 3 before giving up. A great idea badly produced. The lame name jokes were the worst, possibly.

The Lost City (2005)

Nonlinear rubbish

[1/10 · 27 February 2022]

The plot - such as it is - all over the place. Scenes with the same person apparently taking place at the same time, no explanation. The film has an incredibly intrusive and inappropriate Latin music soundtrack played loudly. Got half way through before it exceeded my patience and I binned it. Total garbage.

The Calm Beyond (2020)

Gave up half way through

[1/10 · 27 February 2022]

Another waste of time. This claustrophobic movie set in a decayed Hong Kong apartment building completely failed to engage my attention. The buildings are drowned, the plot says a tsunami hit the city but why are water levels so high? It makes no sense and I'm giving up on this, it is boring.

Licorice Pizza (2021)

Awful

[1/10 · 27 February 2022]

I could not tolerate watching it. The female lead, so not good looking. Zero appreciation of the cultural referents. I think I lasted about ten minutes of it. Into the trash can with this movie.

Once Upon a Time in China II (1992)

Pure entertainment!

[10/10 · 26 December 2021]

Highly recommended: Once Upon A Time In China II (1992). Amazing Kung-Fu! It's darkly funny, it's got romance, stars Jet Li, the fight scenes are just incredible. There's a teetering-table fight that took my breath away and made me shout out loud! Very interesting historical subtext going on with the Boxer Rebellion and Dr Sun Yat Sen just adds to the interest.

The Ref (1994)

Boring

[1/10 · 24 December 2021]

This is terrible. I managed to grimly hang on for 45 minutes of this boring, trite, unfunny movie and then I had had more than enough. I can't imagine how people thought this was amusing. It isn't.

Finch (2021)

Lacks a plot, no love interest.

[3/10 · 9 November 2021]

It's OK. Always a pleasure to watch Tom Hanks. However... Chappie is far, far, far better. The problem with Finch is that there's no real antagonist, and just as bad, there's no story development. I'm a novelist, I understand plot. A story demands tension between the characters and if there's no antagonist then there's no tension. In the case of Finch, the writer seems to be using the dystopian Earth as the antagonist but it isn't enough. Further than that, there is no love interest either, no female character. And the ending. How truly disappointing. The whole film made me feel down. I give this 3 stars and that's only because of Tom Hanks.

Trump vs the Illuminati (2020)

A failed comedy.

[3/10 · 8 August 2021]

The special effects of space ships and so on were actually quite decent. The Trump clone voice was good enough too. It's meant to be satire but lacks imagination.

Honor Amongst Men (2018)

I wasted my time

[1/10 · 28 July 2021]

This is unremittingly awful. After about 1/3 I put it on fast forward to see if anything actually happened. Nope...

County Lines (2019)

Scarifying view of a modern problem

[8/10 · 25 April 2021]

Remarkable acting, script and life story. Would have been a 10/10 if it had not been for the peculiar old-fashioned screen dimensions, which made it look more like a 80s TV movie than a modern widescreen film.

The way in which Tyler is recruited into the County Lines drug dealing network, becoming the 'Jim Line' is both convincing and disturbing. The film shows the social problems that lie behind the recruitment of youngsters into these criminal schemes, even the school life is shown -- and I have to say I would not want to be a teacher in that school. There's a lack of explanation of certain things. I'm not sure a US viewer would know that a PRU is a pupil referral unit.

Things Don't Stay Fixed (2021)

Had to pinch myself to keep awake

[1/10 · 17 February 2021]

I couldn't get further than the first ten minutes or so. Nothing happened. Zero apparent story or development. It became apparent that it's a film in which mostly talking takes place. So at that point I turned it off.

Lapsis (2020)

Goes nowhere in the end.

[4/10 · 13 February 2021]

I watch almost anything SF. Lapsis disappointed me on several levels. Basically it is a story about pyramid selling. You're probably familiar with the idea: money isn't made by honestly selling a product, but instead, by recruiting an ever growing number of other "sales people" who are required to first buy stock before they join. Amway, Swipe. many others work like this. The star wants to buy expensive treatment for his brother's chronic fatigue condition but the viewer can easily conclude that his brother is a useless layabout. This makes me think the star is a simpleton. Then he gets sucked into a pyramid selling scheme based on cabling optical fibre. For me, this was the worst, most stupid part, because I used to be a project manager in a fibre optic comms company. And the tech aspects were just complete and total nonsense. I will spare you the details. So for me, the "McGuffin" was nonsensical and didn't work. The acting was quite decent so I managed to watch it to the end and ... it just faded away.

Pinocchio (2019)

A genuine ten star review

[10/10 · 10 December 2020]

I cannot fault this film. Its creepy yet surreal atmosphere reminded me very much of a Polish version of Alice in Wonderland I watched years ago. The child actor who plays the puppet acts his part superbly. In fact all the acting is just great. The part of the snail lady is simultaneously very creepy and heartwarming, a combination that few films have achieved to this degree. The cinematography can't be faulted and the musical score is appropriate and adds to, rather than detracts from, the story. The transformation of the puppet into the boy was so well executed that I almost leapt out of my chair. It is very very rare for me to award ten stars to a film but this one deserves it.

War Machine (2017)

Brad Pitt the zombie actor

[1/10 · 2 November 2020]

I couldn't watch more than 20 minutes of this dreck. Brad Pitt seemed to have lost the power of speech as well as the power of acting. Just stood around like a zombie. He looked as if he had dementia and couldn't figure out what he was supposed to be doing on the film set. Not only that; the whole film is destroyed anyway, by being narrated by a really annoying voice-over person.

Recon (2019)

"Blair Witch Project" in uniform.

[3/10 · 19 October 2020]

About half way through this film I realised I was watching the Blair Witch Project but in uniform, and with the annoying girl replaced by the corporal. In each movie, bad things happen and are obviously going to get worse, but for some reason (the screen writer's desire to 'make a story out of nothing') the characters just follow the leader and get bumped off one by one as a result. This is not a film in which you might see some actual war action. It's a psychological thriller just as the BWP was, with the witch replaced by an unseen sniper. I managed to get through the second half of it though by that time I was regretting wasting my life watching it.

The Gentlemen (2019)

Just terrible. Overacted and Unconvicncing.

[1/10 · 29 June 2020]

I'm usually a big fan of UK crime films but this one got up my nose from the beginning with its senseless idea of 'story telling; the film. Basically, one of the bad guys explains the whole film to us in a sardonic way. It is utterly offputting and made even worse - much worse - by the sarky snidey guy, totally unlikable, who narrates and explains this bilge. The story, such as it is, is so ludicrous as to be a pastiche.