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monk-81907
Reviews
I Know Who Killed Me (2007)
Utterly disjointed gibberish
Whoever wrote and directed this might have thought they were being clever but seriously.. no.
Just no.
Using the two colours (red and blue) as symbolic would have been good if not for the feeling that you were being bludgeoned in the head with a 2 x 4 each time, rather than it being a more subtle emphasis of key points in the story. But aside from anything else, the choppy fragmented editing style made this annoying to watch.
Plus, never have I had to sit through so many instances of someone having the same finger cut off/rotting/splitting/*insert other grotesque image here* for no actually useful story-related purpose.
This takes M Night Shamalamadingdong style 'plot twists' and goes one better... 'better' being a sarcastic term, of course.
Can't recommend to anyone, really.
Black Summer (2019)
Why do these shows rely on abject stupidity?
Seriously. I couldn't get past episode 1 thanks to all the idiotic behaviour on display.
So.. spoilers I guess? As if anything I say could ruin this beyond its current state.
You have the following 'characters' to follow:
- Stupid mother with daughter who gets sent off to safety without her thanks to hubby being infected
- bitchy girlfriend and heartless boyfriend who leaves her for dead
- korean women who shrieks at everyone in korean in spite of nobody having the first clue what she's saying
- gullible woman in car
- rancid selfish prick stealing car from woman
Saving graces?
- guy who beats the ever loving crap out of the car thief
- apparently there's a dog (never made it that far though)
For someone who loves the zombie-post apocalyptic genre to give up on something this quickly, you know it has to be bad. It embodies all the worst/misused/abused horror tropes... and does so poorly. I don't know who the people giving this series 9s and 10s and raving about how amazing it is actually are - but they might want to check out actual good quality zombie fare before getting excited about this steaming deposit.
Watch only if you're very very tolerant of blatant stupidity.
Platoon of the Dead (2009)
Ummm, okay... squelchy disintegration ray wielding zombies
So clearly this was a no budget affair.. with some bizarre plot choices. Eg shooting the zombies makes them disintegrate (after a few seconds to think about it). Oh wait, except for that one in the army uniform, which the sergeant had to chop up - go Team Stedham! (seriously, he has that on his tshirt) :) Why not, I guess... have some fun I say! Honestly, his performance was the most enjoyable part of this odd zombie outing.
I'd say watch this with tongue firmly in cheek and try to have fun with it - and for the love of all that's unholy, don't get all bent out of shape about the lack of continuity or accurate representations of the military etc. Just enjoy some of the hammy/earnest performances for what they are and hope that the actors and crew bad some fun making this.
Crimson Winter (2013)
Good for the treatment of insomnia...
I'm sorty, but I stumbled across this by accident and - knowing nothing sbout it at all - thought I'd give it a shot. About 15 minutes in I must have nodded off out of boredom during a droning monologue, then woke up to more droning monologue (or perhaps the same one, it was hard to know) at the 36 minute mark. So maybe I missed the best bits, but judging from the rest of this movie... I seriously doubt it.
It wasn't until I checked here on imdb that I realised what the actual story was supposed to be and that it involved vampires. Oookaaay.
Then I checked the run time and thought "1 hr 46 mins? If I'm this bored now, how much worse will it be by then?"
Honestly, it's meant to be a movie not an audio book so there should be more show than tell. Well placed dialogue does serve to advance the story (and even the occasional monologue has it's place) but this was just drowning in depressingly toned droning. Think Louis' monologues from Interview with the Vampire, but less interesting and much much longer.
God, even the accompanying musical score is depressing!
Ultimately it's a very slow-paced, down-beat audio book on screen with some probably reasonable actors (hard to know with this material); so if this is your cup of tea, enjoy. If you want something more than nearly two hours of what sounds like depressingly bad news because of the voice tones and music, maybe move on to something else.
Ouija House (2018)
Mild "spoiler" alert (for this rancid pile of spoiled rubbish)
If it's not wooden acting then it's hammy overacting, coupled with an atrocious script that revolves around some lame warlock from the past who was obsessed with word and number puzzles to facilitate some demon business...
I will put up with a lot from low budget horror but when your movie is so lazy and your edits so hamfisted that you only manage to emphaise the stupidity of the story, I'm out.
A Little Piece of Heaven (1991)
This should be called "WTF were they thinking?!"
Ok, serious spoilers - if anything can actually be termed a 'spoiler' when it pertains to this gangrenous boil of a movie.
Kirk stars in a movie that involves child abduction and imprisonment; he spends his time deceiving the kids about being dead and 'in heaven' and lying to outsiders about what's going on.
Add to this the horrifying over the top performance by the actress playing his 'intellectually disabled' sister, and you have one of the most bizarre and head-scratching movies I've seen in a long time.
Oh but it's ok - it all has A HAPPY ENDING. He gets to keep them, and actually is ordered TO TAKE IN MORE KIDS.
Seriously. I kid you not.
Not sure what kind of christian values this movie is supposed to espouse, exactly? I was not aware that kidnapping, lies, child imprisonment and endangerment were in the bible, but then nothing would surprise me any more.
Bottom line: I would not recommend this movie to anyone who isn't deaf and blind.
Beauty and the Beast: A Latter-Day Tale (2007)
The most unpleasant, unsympathetic character I've ever seen
Wow. How exactly is this a 'christian romance'?! How would anyone, ever in any conceivable universe find this man in any way appealing enough to want to get involved?! 40 minutes in and he's been nothing but a rude arrogant a**hole to absolutely everyone around him.
And I mean absolutely EVERYONE.
Then all of a sudden, after a brief bout of man flu, he does a 160 (not quite a 180 - he doesn't suddenly become nice or anything) and starts being semi human...
Apparently the script was written by someone with limited experience of actually being a human..?
And don't even get me started on the fruitcake who starts talking marriage after meeting someone twice *eyeroll*
This is an uneven movie that makes a huge leap from utter nasty scrooge behaviour to romance.. accompanied by a truly vomitus song promoting faith.
Bottom line: if you can tolerate the first 40 minutes and you enjoy cheesy so-called romance, overly simplistic scripts, and heavy handed religious messages, then you might enjoy this.
Othrwise maybe find something else to kill a couple if hours.
Prototype (1992)
What did I just watch?!
You know sometimes you're wandering through Youtube looking for groovy old scifi movies (that hark back to the days when a 40 MB hard drive was apparently something to get excited about) and you find yourself watching something that you then keep watching because you're convinced at some point the writer(s) will remember to inject a plot and some decent dialogue into the thing?
Yeahhh. That was me watching this ... and wondering why, at the 55 minute mark (a) nothing of note had happened, (b) I had no idea how any of the characters related to one another, (c) some wheelchair dude with an uber mullet was pouting a lot because his skanky gf wasn't putting out - coz he was in a wheelchair I think?, and (d) where this was all going... because it felt kinda like nowhere.
Luckily there's an option to skip ahead in small jumps, which I started doing at the 62 minute mark just to get some sort of closure before heading off to watch something actually entertaining.
Good luck. Recommended if you can't sleep...
Dramaworld (2016)
It's early days but...
(Not sure if this is really a spoiler, but just in case... SPOILERS!)
Okay - it's only episode 3, and I'm reeeeally trying to like this... but the main female character is apparently incapable of not behaving in a stupid and annoying way, and I'm struggling to get past that. Not sure if that's what k-dramas are like normally as I'm not a regular watcher of those shows, but this is just painful. If that gormless female wasn't in it, or if she was about 50% less irritating, it would actually be quite enjoyable since the premise itself is kind of fun.
(Note that I may change my rating when I've watched more... but sadly, I'm not optimistic right now).
Footnote: finished watching season 1 and it did get better as the episodes went on, with a bit of a fun ending. So, yeah - not totally hideous, in the end.