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DrunkSkot
Reviews
Brotherhood of Blood (2007)
Some people shouldn't make movies
After watching this movie I must conclude that all good reviews came from cast and crew along with people who watch movies just because they aren't mainstream no matter how terrible. All you have to do is see the writers' other credits which include Bloodrayne and Alone in the Dark to know what you're in for.
Here's how I imagine the brainstorming went.
"Hey, we both like the role playing game Vampire the Masquerade, so lets make a Vampire movie. And we'll have it start towards the end and jump all over the timeline" "Sounds good, but why is it going to jump timelines?" "Cuz I like Quentin Tarantino and he does it all the time" "Cool. Lets make the Vampire Hunter a girl cuz I like girls. And one of the Vampires used to be her lover and was turned." "How come?" "It will fill up an extra 2 minutes. Oh and the end will be like the end of the Usual Suspects except you know, boring." "Awesome, lets do it!" I'd rather sit through Doom again. Good lord this movie sucked.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
The Jesus Chainsaw Masacre
It's fun. It's the only ultra-violent movie you can take your kids to and have people think you're a good parent besides Revenge of the Teletubbies(I thought the scene where Tinky Winky rips the guy's eye out and strangles him with his own optic nerve was really cool). My friend calls this movie The Jesus Chainsaw Masacre. And rightly so. I must say though, if you watch this movie for spiritual enlightenment, that's kinda sick. Seriously. It's like masturbating to Faces Of Death. Which I've done, but felt empty inside afterwards. Then I did it again. But I digress. Watch this movie for the same reason everyone else did, for the violence. No matter what your religious preference, we all love a bit of gore and torture on the big screen. It's like Hostel without having to wait an hour and a half for the good stuff.
-skot
Doom (2005)
I've had more fun at the dentist
I would rather shave my eyes with a wheel grinder while being fisted by Popeye than sit through this movie again. Do not watch it. Trust me. You'll feel ashamed for sitting through 2 hours boring nothingness. I'll sum it up for you. Nothing happens nothing happens nothing happens, monster, shoot monster, nothing happens nothing happens nothing happens, all hell breaks loose in a clumsy, boring "michael bay with down syndrome" sort of way, 15 minutes of 1st person "watching someone else play very boring video game" sort of way. Credits. which are more exciting than the movie itself. Save your money, save your time, and save yourself from the festering cesspool of boring misery that is Doom.