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markbrunnermail
Reviews
Escape from DS-3 (1981)
The worst
Ugh. The worst movie I have ever seen. And that's saying a lot. I am easily amused and will gladly sit thru cruddy movies even for camp value alone. But this film had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Not even "so bad, its good" but rather just plain bad. If you have chronic incoming, don't pop a pill, just pop this bad boy into your VCR (I cannot believe that this will ever be on DVD) and let 'er rip. Snoozeville within 10 minutes.
Slow. Bad characters. Bad effects. Nothing much happens the entire time. Not even a MST-3000 treatment render this worth watching. And don't get me started on how the movie managed to render Bubba Smith, one of the silver screen's finest thespians, into a one-dimensional zero of a character. (Just joking on that last comment....)
A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
A stinker. Pure and simple.
Let me get this straight. Guy takes gazillion-dollar prototype robot boy home from his company. Wife can't deal with it. Guy and wife decide to dump said gazillion-dollar piece of equipment IN THE WOODS? Errr. Anyone else see the lapse of logic here. Don't like the robot, hit the "reset" button and take it back to the company that made it! You don't just dump it on the side of the road. Oh wait, you do if thats the only way to advance the plot. See, if anyone acted in a half-way intelligent manner (forgive the pun) the story could not get off the ground.
I can only imagine the guy's discussion with his boss on Monday morning: Boss: Hey, how is that robot that this company is banking its future on working out for you and your wife? Employee: Uh, not so well, boss. Boss: Oh, sorry to hear that. Well, did you bring it back in so we can do some retooling on it? Perhaps replace the faceplate with something other than the "Dumb American Blonde Boy" look? Employee: Urp. Well, boss I gotta confession to make. The wife and I decided to just dump the lil' bugger off in the woods. Sorry 'bout that. I'll bet the guys down in R&D will be steamed at me. Oh well. I'm sure they can just whip up another gazillion-dollar robot in a jiffy.
And yes -- one can overlook lapses in logic if the movie has something else to offer, but sadly this one does not. Pokey plot. Bad acting. Uncompelling characterizations. And the fact that Osmet and Law are playing robots doesn't excuse the fact that they are dead on arrival character-wise. Heck, R2D2 was able to exude more personality, humor, and empathy with a few beeps and whirs. At least Osmet and Law are actual human beings.
Oh, and don't get me started on the goofy ending(s).......
Avoid at all costs.
Gosford Park (2001)
What an over-hyped waste of talent!
For all those who thought this over-talky ensemble piece was anything other than pure recycled drivel, I have three words for you: "Upstairs Downstairs" and "Mystery".
Want a truly compelling character study of the class differences of the English upper crust versus those who serve them? Go out and rent/borrow/buy the Masterpiece Theatre classic "Upstairs Downstairs". Ten minutes of that production will shame all two hours of Altman's shallow storytelling.
And as for suspense, please, if you found the "twist" in this movie the least bit compelling, simply turn on your TV on any given Thursday night (if you are an American) to the local PBS channel and watch an episode of "Mystery". Doesn't matter which "Mystery" show it is, any one will do to totally outshine the paper-thin plotting of this movie.
The truly sad part about this movie is the sheer sense of "what could have been". It would be one thing if the movie was made up of a bunch of newbies or also-rans or never-weres, but its not. On paper, this movie should rock. Its a multi-generational cross-section of some of the best talent from the UK. If casting alone could carry a movie, an Anglophile like myself would easily be giving this flick a "10". But alas....Never has so much talent been given so little to work with and ended up with so few positive results.
And the fact that this uncompelling mess was hailed as the second coming of movie-going experiences...it just leaves me scratching my head.