Change Your Image
TheLoveBandit
Reviews
La horde (2009)
Gore? Yes. Anything else? No.
On the positive side, it is as others have described as a fast paced survival of uncommon allies against an unending wave of zombies. The zombies kick in fairly quickly, throwing opposing parties in together to make it through, which leads to an immense amount of blood, splatter, gunfire, a few knife fights, and general hectic mayhem. So the positive....blood, and lots of it.
On the negative side, where to begin? We can piece together why the group of cops are going after the gang of bad guys, mostly. But when the zombies kick in, we have no explanations of why or how, it just is. As the actors put it, it is "Judgement Day", as the city in the distance is on fire and the building they are in is apparently blown up in sections such as the stairwell. During the escape they unite with an old war vet who explains he blew some parts of the building up to block the zombies...okay, partial credit for an answer, still doesn't explain the city afire or other partially destroyed buildings. It's not like the zombies are driving tanks and fighter jets. So, I'll step away from the zombie logic plot holes galore and turn to the characters. We have some (bad/dirty?) cops going after the criminals who killed one of the cops, simple enough vengeance motivation. Then as we move along we find the female cop is pregnant (necessary for French zombie films, I believe). As all parties race for survival, persons throw away allegiance to their original friends, sometimes support the other guys sometimes flare up to confront them (to remind us this is only about survival, not that old differences are forgotten). But ultimately, I couldn't find myself caring about any of them - not even the pregnant one. People throw their lives away for no reason, keep others alive that should be killed (remember, zombie bite are ALWAYS deadly), and in the end you wonder if anyone will survive....but you wonder more if you really care at all.
I'll give them quality points for the gore, but that is ALL they got right in making this a watchable movie. If that's all you are after, go for it. If you want anything that makes sense, has a back story or characters you might care about, or if you like for things to wrap up in a way that makes any kind of sense....skip it.
Hei tai yang 731 (1988)
Dated, and fails between a horror film and a documentary
All I know of Unit 731 is from reading the wiki page, but that gave me a good understanding of what was done and why. This film provides a thin story following some of the key characters in the real events, and is obviously structured to reveal some of the experiments done at that time. However, the story itself doesn't leave you sympathetic to the characters much - perhaps that is intentional, as the Japanese who did this weren't meant to be sympathized with from the director's view perhaps.
I am a gore fan, and I was looking for more historical insight than the wiki provided. With this film we have to start by accepting it was made in 1988, in a time and place without much special effects and still following a lot of Shaw Brother kung fu theater type films. So the quality is 'dated' to be kind. I appreciate the director's intent and attempt, but in this day and age it falls short. The gore is more than most of it's time, but simply looks cheesy 1980's now. The historical aspects appear true enough, but 20 minutes reading the wiki page will give you a LOT more. So I ended up feeling short on gore and history by the film. Had I seen it within a few years of it being made, I may have a different take. Seeing it now, 'meh' not worth your time, tbh.
Slices (2008)
It's not that good
I've seen this before but forgot until about 5 min into it. I see I haven't rated it yet, so let me say "DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME!". It has all the redeeming qualities of a mid-80's college assignment - crap writing, crap acting, and some attractive women who don't show enough to make it worth watching. Film has 5 stories and a wrap around, but none of it is good. All the IMDb reviews echo "it isn't that bad".....I'd have to say "it isn't that good." Again, do NOT waste your time on this one, even if you watch utterly unwatchable horror or kung fu crap like I do. And I watched it twice. I am ashamed, but I'll blame the non-sober part of me.
Ren zhe wu di (1982)
Slightly better than average
Another dubbed kung fu film I thought was a sequel (to 5 Deadly Venoms). It was not (not a comedy, either). On par dubbing, meh story line, but my gosh it felt like 2 movies. First half was spent watching a Chinese martial arts team get destroyed by some Japanese ninjas that follow 5 elements of style (Gold, Wood, Water, Fire, and Earth). At the midpoint, you feel like you've watched enough and are ready to move on....but the last living member of the Chinese team had a little ninja training himself. He goes back to join his ninja master, teams up with 3 others who were being trained by the ninja master, and the four of them set out to beat the elemental ninjas at their own game. The film seems like it goes on forever, but I will admit the back half does have quite a bit of innovative fight scenes. A lot of the costumes, and some of the fights, are awfully damn hokey, but some of the fight scenes are extremely well choreographed and executed (particularly the fight against Gold and the final boss fight). I wouldn't recommend this film, but if you are really into the genre, you can kill some time with it.
Wu du (1978)
Better than the genre average
dubbed kung fu film of a young student who's master is dying and makes a final request of the student to track down the earlier students and ensure none are using their skills for evil. If you liked Kung Fu Theater on the USA channel growing up, this is is a surprisingly good one - primarily based on the construction of the story and how it unfolds. The earlier students each learned a venomous skills set (Toad=indestructable skin, Snake=Great Agility, Centipede=speed of hand and foot, etc). Only 2 of the students ever knew each other and may still be in contact. Last student, charged with tracking them, learned all their skills but not as well and therefore cannot overcome any one of them on his own, he must choose one to team up with to defeat any others who may be villains. As a viewer, we get to watch the story unfold and keep guessing who the students may be, and where they fit into the good/bad side of things as everyone is searching for the teacher's old friend who may have a sum of money hidden away. The action is on par with the genre, as is the dialogue, so you know it's not great but you get what you expect. I have to say the storyline alone was very well done, almost to the point of watching again.
Slaughterhouse-Five (1972)
Didn't get it
I've been meaning to watch his for some time, finally did. In hindsight, I think I've seen it before and forgot. For all the literary jabber about Kurt Vonnegut, I wasn't sure what to expect since I hadn't read much by him, but I expected 'good' or 'though provoking'. Instead I got "meh" and "what?". The acting was pretty good, the story was odd in that our central character is travelling back and forth over his lifetime, not at his control, and we're along with him as he jumps from one point in time to the next. There are some parallels between periods in his life that are reflected well, but I kept wondering if we're supposed to take him as really travelling thru time or just nuts. Ultimately, I didn't really care too much about him, and certainly not about any of the other characters. I didn't take away any insights or reflective questions. I simply endured to the end and hope to not watch it again. I won't recommend for or against watching, you take your chances.
Hardcore Henry (2015)
Different, but not necessarily a better way
The film is shot from FPS perspective and offered some good things but still can't be recommended. There are a lot of chase scenes which left me wondering "how'd they do that?" as we see Henry's (our) hands and feet jumping down buildings or through windows...can't fathom how they were able to keep a camera and a live actor's hands/feet in the picture with all this running around. Beginning with the opening credits you know this is all about guns and blood - that and the fast paced sequences never let up. There are a few open character questions that do eventually get wrapped up (his wife, the repeating and varying appearances by "Jimmy" to support him) but the boss is never really fully explained for what he is - that bothered me a bit. Overall, I'll give a nod of respect tot he FPS effort made in shooting the film, and can appreciate some of the humor and nudity layered in, but tbh, the FPS left me nauseous in the second half and the boss battle at the end with all the minions was a bit of "I don't care anymore" to watch.
Bite Me! (2004)
I love cheese
I watch a lot of these B films with the hopes of finding some gem, but of course most of them are simply bad. "Bite Me!" was that gem. You know what you're getting with nearly any B movie, but this one piqued my interest a bit more with the stop motion animation. So I gave it a try.
The first two-thirds of the film didn't drag, but weren't stellar. The initial scene with the two guys driving the car, and their demise, really could have been left out of the film for the most part. It filled 5-10 minutes and provided about 3 lines of plot that could have been delivered by other means besides a car crash and a few phone calls.
So the middle phase is dominated by character development in the strip club. It managed not to suck, and held my interest primarily with the nudity and I was wondering if there would be any more to the story. Still, nudity and not-bad acting (in fact pretty good for a B flick) was carrying me.
Then the last 15-25 minutes kicked in and things really got going. The characters really blossomed, especially once they got bit. And the whole 'dinosaurs in the backyard' got me for the fact there was never even attempt at explanation....it just is, roll with it. Still, the best was the characters. They executed their given roles wonderfully, pulling several laugh out loud moments mixed with and sometimes because of several wtf moments. This was too good to be accidental, so my appreciation not just for the actors but for writing and direction, and of course for special effects. I'll admit, Crystal (Misty Mundae) grew on me a bit, especially her character after being bit, but the one who earned my greatest appreciation was Amber (Caitlin Ross) for playing the (un-phase- able) pot head stripper. She was solid throughout, though it took me a bit of time for her personality to start playing the straight for all the scenes.
I love cheese, and this was quality cheese with a healthy dose of fun. You aren't getting Oscar quality when you pick up a film like this, but you are rewarded for one of the best I've seen in this class of film. Definitely recommended.