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Reviews
Vega$: The Way to Live (1979)
Binzer Saves The Day!
This is a so-so episode mostly because of the completely unlikable Shara Stanley character. She may be the most unlikable character in the series yet. She completely brushes off everyone that cares about her and is obsessed with proving she can make a daredevil dirt bike jump. Even after her friend is murdered she brushes it off and focuses solely on the jump. Even after Tanna is almost killed she focuses only on the jump. She clearly cares about no one but herself. I was actively rooting for her to attempt the jump and fail horrifically. But let's forget about this horrible person and ficus on the good.
Binzer saves the day in this one. During the "climax" Binzer recognizes the man that attempted to kill Tanna. Without Binzer they never would have saved the awful Stanley.
There are some funny bits too. The climactic ending includes a man getting knocked unconscious after driving 10 feet into some empty cardboard boxes. Tanna chases after Stanley's manager and tackles him onto some hay and domehow security knows to apprehend him even though they have no clue what is going on. Lastly, Wlfrid Hyde-White stole the show in this episode. He plays an engineer that tries to help Tanna and the dreadful Stanley make the jump safer. He was just a delight. Watch the episode just for him.
Vega$: Everything I Touch (1979)
Too Predictable- Heavy Spoilers in Review
I'd like to give this episode a higher rating but it was maybe the most obvious "who done it" in the history of television. Within the first 10 minutes of the episode it was clear who is the killer.
To start off, Christy's killer was clearly a woman in the most awful wig and beard I've ever seen. Then, as the paramedic (Lisa) is talking with Dan, it was obvious she was obsessed with him and I immediately said to myself "well it's clearly her". Over the life of the series they make it seem like every woman in Las Vegas (and maybe Clark County) wants Dan Tanna but this episode took it to another level.
There were some funny parts of this episode, however: Super P. I. Dan Tanna beating up a karate guy, Lisa, wearing the most obvious wig and fake beard in history, casually hanging out in the casino while Dan and Shannon talk, Angie being her adorable and funny self and amateur physician Dan Tanna diagnosing Angie with a broken arm after not seeing her arm.
The climax featured a way too long ambulance chase that was basically nothing but sharp turns. Then, as Lisa is unmasked (unbearded?) she displays every cliché for an obsessed and unhinged woman.
I'm sure this won't be the last episode where someone is obsessed with Dan Tanna or he defeats someone in hand-to-hand combat that is clearly superior to him. But this was the most predictable episode.
Hart to Hart (1979)
Pretentious Hart to Pretentious Hart
Let me start off by saying I enjoy the show. But in every episode I always end up rooting against the Harts. They are the most arrogant and pretentious couple in the history of television. They make it very obvious that those who are not rich and powerful are not worthy of their time. They seem almost disgusted when they have to interact with a "commoner". And the constant need to call each other "darling" is nauseating.
The worst of the two is Johnathan. In every episode he has to be the smartest, most athletic and toughest guy on the show. It's hilarious that we are supposed to believe someone like Robert Wagner can knock anyone out with a single punch, which he always ends up doing.
Jennifer is not as bad but she clearly doesn't enjoy interacting with non-elites. In every episode there is at least one scene where we see her screaming "Johnathan help". It's very redundant.
My favorite part is the stunt doubles. None of them look anything like the stars and they make no attempt to hide the fact that they are stunt doubles. Pure comedy gold.
T.J. Hooker: Grand Theft Auto (1984)
"Tell him I want to do some business...gypsy business"
This is actually a pretty funny episode. I love TJ Hooker because of the horrible over-the-top acting, and 80s nostalgia and this episode did not disappoint. First off I believe they set a record for most times saying the word 'gypsy' in a 60 minute episode. I lost count around 226 times. This was your typical 70s/80s gypsy-centered tv episode that portrays them as untrusting and skeptical of anyone not a gypsy.
Tori Spelling plays a 10 year old that is somehow able to outsmart both criminals and police, even going as far as stealing an officer's revolver. Before she steals the gun she goes to church and prays to Saint Ann to bless her with enough money to buy a gun (to avenge her slain uncle). After she steals the gun she goes back to the church to thank Saint Ann for blessing her with the gun and asks to help her be brave so she can kill a man. I mean we all do this in church, right?
William Shatner has one of the most unintentionally hilarious running styles of all time and this episode really blessed us with several scenes of Hooker running.
A funny subplot was Romano's new car being stolen and subsequently destroyed when it is driven off a cliff.
7 out of 10 for this one. I would have given it higher but that's not the gypsy way.
Quincy M.E.: New Blood (1980)
Ok episode that, again, makes Quincy borderline unlikable
This is an ok episode but Quincy comes off looking bad. Jack Klugman was such a wonderful and likeable guy that I really don't like the episodes where Quincy comes off as a, for lack of a better word, slimy jerk.
There have been numerous episodes where Quincy treats those around him like absolute garbage and does everything but force himself on the attractive female guest star, and this one falls into that category. I understand "times were different" back then but I never understood how the abrasive and almost abusive older lead character got the attractive female that was at least half his age to fall for him. It's just kind of gross.
When this one is on again I'll likely skip it.
Hawaii Five-O: The Spirit Is Willie (1979)
Not my favorite
I just do not like the Millicent Shand episodes at all. I find the character insufferable. I do not find her endearing, amusing or likeable in the least. Even her voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
She is an arrogant author that thinks she is smarter than everyone else and is not afraid to show it. She does not care if she is detrimental to Five-O's investigations and thinks she is above the law.
I found myself rooting for the criminals in both of her episodes. I understand where the producers came up with this character though. It was probably an attempt to keep the older viewing audience interested. Unfortunately they created the worst character in the history of the show.
Hawaii Five-O: Welcome to Our Branch Office (1974)
Hilarious Episode
This episode was great. It was a nice comedic change of pace for the series. Every single time the fake Five-0 team was on screen I had to laugh. From the ridiculous voice over for fake Danny, the massive forehead for fake Steve and the horrible resemblance that fake Chin and Ben have to the real ones was all fantastic.
The way the first victim was completely clueless that the car he was in was not torn apart by bullets had me rolling. Then when fake Danny just casually tossing the "bomb" out of the second victim's window reminded me of something you'd see on Police Squad. Still, nothing compares to fake Steve's forehead. It is one for the ages.
Don't take this episode seriously as it's not supposed to be taken that way. Just sit back and enjoy some 1970s goofiness and smile.
Hawaii Five-O: To Hell with Babe Ruth (1969)
Very poorly acted
I love the original Hawaii Five-0 so much but this episode missed so badly. Mark Lenard and Will Kuluva trying to portray Japanese characters was a disaster. Aside from the awful makeup, neither even attempted to use a Japanese accent. Mark Lenard's acting was also horrid. Every single line and movement he made was so over the top and exaggerated, it made watching the episode painful. Mark Lenard and Will Kuluva sounded like they were trying out for parts in the Ten Commandments rather than Hawaii Five-0. This episode could have been awesome with actual Japanese actors playing these parts. This episode was so bad I found myself checking how much time was left before it was mercifully over. A rare miss.
Hawaii Five-O: Three Dead Cows at Makapuu: Part II (1970)
Could have been great but the character, Wanda Russell, ruins it
This really would have been a 10/10 two-parter but Wanda Russell completely ruins it. She is unbearable and, quite honestly, insane. She falls madly in love with a man she's spent about a total of 2 hours with and during that time he did nothing but sweat, speak cryptically and throw her into the ocean. She also couldn't care less he's going to possibly wipe out the human race. No one can be that crazy, right?
Diagnosis Murder: The Blair Nurse Project (2001)
The final (and worst) Van Dyke family episode
I will be completely honest, I couldn't even make it through the entire episode. It was that bad. It flew past "so bad it's funny" and landed on "so bad this is uncomfortable to watch". All of the Van Dyke family episodes were bad but this one was on another level. I will always love the legendary Dick Van Dyke but I will never forgive him for unleashing the horrific acting of Carey, Shane, Taryn and Wes on the world. We did not deserve this.
Diagnosis Murder: Bachelor Fathers (2001)
Predictable Episode
This was a very predictable episode especially the "twist" ending which I saw coming about 20 minutes in. The absolute worst part of this episode was the completely unlikable Grace Boyd character. I've never rooted against a character so much on this show.
Diagnosis Murder: Gangland: Part 1 (1999)
Funniest Episodes of the Series
I wish I could give this more than 10 stars. From the outlandish premise, the awful writing to the sweet and loveable Dick Van Dyke playing a hardened mob boss these episodes are fantastic. Please watch for a hilarious escape from reality.
Diagnosis Murder: Never Say Die (1999)
One of the worst
Season 6 is pretty much one big disappointment: the stories and the production are the pits. Most episodes resemble a kid's show as opposed to a prime-time drama. This episode, however, is the worst due to the acting. All of the Van Dykes (except Dick and Barry) are just awful. Pretty much every gym scene is unwatchable. Josh Roman actually made me laugh out loud his acting was so bad. Skip this one.