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globalhunter22
Reviews
The Bleeding (2009)
Should be sucked dry!
This movie is hysterically bad. Michael Matthias who stars as vampire hunter Shawn Black is downright lifeless. His acting ability throughout the movie is borderline comatose. With his monotone voice and inability to deliver a performance that barely rises above a common high school play. One would think that with all his brawn, he could bring his physicality to good use. Nope! To make matters worse, the head vampire played by Vinnie Jones, has to be one of the dorkiest vampires ever filmed. He makes weird faces toward the camera and is about as scary as a wet noodle. My goodness, even the action scenes are boring! Combine that with terrible special effects, rapper DMX screaming, and a shoddy script. It certainly has plenty of shortcomings. I usually can find something redeemable in most films, but this is pure trash.
Natural Born Komics (2007)
Wake me up when its over!
After watching this garbage, I'm in utter shock and amazement at how this mess could be aired on national television! Everything about it is disgustingly crude, obnoxious and just plain not funny! Having a naked woman dance on a table while attempting to spoof Punked is not remotely amusing. It just shows how juvenile Pauly Shore truly is.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some dried up prune that can't laugh at a joke. All of Pauly's skits and stand-up completely fall flat or just turn out extremely stupid! Harassing young women while they're at a beach and practically groping them on camera is really, really sick! Than the skit poking fun at the show "Cheaters" was too silly and really lost its momentum half way through. Having a giant black woman who's having sex with a midget in a limo, while Pauly (playing the boyfriend) just stands there ogling his girlfriend is way too gross and absurd for me.
I really don't know why Pauly even bothered even making such film, I guess to revive his dead career. It's obvious after this performance, his career will be in the pits for a long time to come.
Bug (2006)
Just plain terrible!
Just to remind you all before I go any further with the review, I absolutely adore Ashley Judd! She's an amazing actress! However, this is easily one of her worst films to date! Technically, I can't blame Ashley for this movie sucking so bad, those hands lay solely on the director William Friedkin.
This movie should be panned for false advertisement, they practically had to trick movie goers into believing that this movie was about real bugs, when in fact it's nothing more than two nut cases in a shack! Everyone of my friends who attended the movie with me, all came to the same conclusion that this movie is "complete garbage!". Quite frankly, this movie should have went straight to DVD, at least then it would have been forgotten about in the bowels of the bargain bin. (Where it should lie dormant forever!)
The movie never really gets anywhere, it just spirals out of control and just gets more boring as time goes on (not to mention crazier). I kept praying that the movie would get better, but nope it just got increasingly worse! I strongly feel that Friendkin wanted the audience to feel as crazy as the two main characters! For those who cherish their sanity and their money, please do not waste your ample time with this mess!
Penny Dreadful (2006)
The name Penny Dreadful couldn't be more accurate!
Penny (Rachel Miner) is apparently terrified of cars because her parents were killed in a horrible car accident many years ago. So now her therapist played by Mimi Roger is going to help conquer her fear of vehicles. While they're on the road, they nearly run-down a hitchhiker and gladly offers him a ride to a park in the middle of nowhere....
That's exactly when the problems of the movie starts rearing its ugly head. Seriously, what sane person would ever pick up a creepy looking hitchhiker who's standing in the middle of the road? After they drop off the little weirdo, their tire is apparently pierced and goes flat just minutes after dropping the hitchhiker off. That's when all the horrible agony of this movie truly begins! Basically what this movie boils down to is witnessing Penny scream, cry and just be incredibly annoying for roughly 90 minutes. (Yup, that's the entire plot in a nut shell)
A few times during the movie I actually had the urge to turn off this garbage because my patience was wearing thin. However, reluctantly I continued watching probably out of sheer curiosity on how bad this movie could get. This film "could" have worked better if the film was maybe a short Masters of Horror/Outer Limits episode, but not a feature length film! Majority of the movie, I was praying that the killer would just kill Penny, but nope he kept toying with her over and over again!
Once they actually revealed the killer, it was utterly hysterical! I swear, she would not shut up with her annoying banter that turned the film into a looney toons gag. The hitchhiker was completely obnoxious and not remotely scary! The novie had too many plot holes in which made this movie an excellent flick if you're in the mood for a comedy!
Other characters in the film were completely irrelevant to the story because all of them eventually end up dying before anyone has a chance to care. It seems like they only tossed them in just to see a little bit of cheap gore. Every single character in this movie is clearly brain dead and probably deserved to die because of their sheer stupidity! Let me put it bluntly, (If I haven't already) and say this movie is absolutely atrocious. It's easily the worst movie I've seen in the Horrorfest lineup. The only decent thing about the movie was Rachel Miner, who's a brilliant actress stuck in a terrible movie. (I truly feel sorry for her)
Unrest (2006)
A total waste of time!
My friend ended up buying this movie today, and we both ended up watching it together, and boy do I regret it. Let me first start off and say, absolutely nothing happens during this film! Might as well watch paint dry, or make a igloo out of sawdust because this movie isn't going anywhere! You will not see an ounce of scares or any terrifying scenes because all the deaths take place off screen! All the actors in the movie are downright annoying. Especially that blond chick that kept babbling about the cadaver, which was flat out laughable.
The movie had so many laughable scenes that made the movie more into a comedy sketch than a actual horror movie. For instance, two of the med students decide to take a dip into a pool of formaldehyde which is about the stupidest thing I've ever seen! It was also hysterical whenever the movie would attempt to build up tension they'd put in African drum music even when nothing would occur! I swear, even during scenes of just them walking around they'd just toss in that music as if something ghastly was about to happen; yet saw nothing, zilch, nada! There are tons and tons of plot holes in this movie, that you could drive a mack truck through that I won't even attempt to discuss about.
The only good thing this movie had going for it was atmosphere for potential "good" scares, but that never end up happening. I'm very glad that I didn't waste my time (or money) seeing this movie at Horrorfest, otherwise I'd be royally ticked off!
Fight for Fame (2005)
This show absolutely screams fake!!!
This has to be one of the worst shows I've ever seen on the network E!, and yes, it's that bad! First off, everything about this show seems completely staged, from the actors to the well dressed and groomed agents.
The premise of the show is fairly straightforward, some unknown actors searching to find a agency that will sign them. Roughly 5-6 actors will compete for a chance to be signed to the agency (ACME).
The premise itself while not bad, would have worked well if the actors actually knew or had some remote knowledge of acting. Apparently all of the contestants seem to either act like emotionless robots or act like they're impersonating Richard Simmons. (Which btw is never fun to watch)
"Fight For Fame" might as well be attached to any other crappy reality show, cause that's all it really is, a reality show and nothing more!
Both of the agents from ACME are 10 x worse than the actors, in terms of being utterly fake. Both seem very conceited and almost smug at times, that it makes me want to vomit just the thought of it.
Seriously, do yourself a favor E! and don't bother making a another season of this trash. Haven't we suffered enough...?