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Reviews
Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity (1987)
If it has...
...the beautiful, talented and hilarious Elizabeth Kaiten in it, it must be amazing. (I haven't even watched it, but everything else I've seen her in has been cheerful, silly, uplifting and so-bad-it's-good, which is what the world really needs right now.
Brain off. Relax. Enjoy. That's what I'll be doing.
Her performance in 'silent night, deadly night 2. The blonde, delicious and sexy bombshell. Her death scene was amazing, and she still looked sexy, even in the throws of death.
So, I have 114 letters left, and although this review may never see the light of day, though it should. I'll return and edit this review if, and only if I'm proven wrong in this instance. I bet I'm not though.
American Sniper (2014)
Never go full accent
This movie needs subtitles.
Spoiler alert: Bradley Cooper overdoses on the southern dialect and drawl so much so that his performance is atrocious and over-acted. "Mhhmm, fggtt, mnhhhmmm ah mmhmmn ah mmhmfff" translation: drawn out, melodrama without substance or entertainment.
Mmhhmf mmhh mhhrrr mfff indeed.
Body Melt (1993)
Takes up where Neighbours left off
Missing Neighbours the series? Watch this film to see the same quality direction, writing, plot, acting and all round 'Genuine Australian Culture' (tm).
The aesthetic has changed over time, but this movie does its best to show Australian art and intellect for what it truly is. Only 5 out of 10 due to minimal gratuitous nudity, and Andrew Daddo.
No Time to Die (2021)
RIP men being men
Not a James Bond film. This is a story of bureaucracy, and constraint. A joyless, forced feminine diatribe about equality and humanity. It is a disrobing of any masculinity the character had left, by chastising the traits and joys of his escapist behaviours that appeal to the male audience: violence, heroism, booze, boobs, charm, humour and technology/gadgets.
High Road to China (1983)
Nice CIA cover
So did the CIA need a cover story for moving a heap of Americans in and around Afghanistan, so they could transport Stingers to the rebels fighting? That's the only possible reason I can think of to create this woeful, boring story about a flat chested proto-feminist and an obviously closeted gay leather queen. I needed to see an optometrist afterwards, as the 3 metric tonnes of Vaseline applied to lens made me believe I had severe glaucoma. There is nothing to enjoy in this 10 for $1, bargain bin flop. Wooden acting, and a plot thinner than the female protagonist. Obviously made by one studio to cash in on the success of the Indian a Jones movie, oh and to deliver clandestine weapons to a now dangerously unstable and violent people, hell bent on revenge for such a bore fest of a movie.
18-Year-Old Virgin (2009)
Amazing! They just don't make teen flicks like this anymore.
Hot! Reminds me of all the teen flicks I grew up with in the 80's. Boobs, bums, really bad plot devices, really bad plot for that matter. Forgettable bands (probably the director's nephews or something). Pretty sure it's funded by whoever makes/made Buttman vids/mags too.
All of this doesn't matter, as it has something a little naive and innocent about it. I think that's the appeal. It's not trying to be anything else and the acting is quite good considering the terribly corny dialogue.
Sit back. Remove all the noise and opinion from the outside world, and just relive a little of your mis-spent teen years watching this.
Proof (1991)
More is said in the pauses between words
My favourite Australian movie.
Hugo Weaving is so wonderfully talented, and this is just one of his perfectly acted roles. The sexuality and suspense is so wonderfully written and acted by Picot, Weaving and Crowe. The story is so beautifully arranged and contains humanity, pathos, and humour.
I hope the writer (or indeed anyone involved in making this movie) reads this review, so that my thanks can be heard and felt for such a wonderful film.
Polar (2019)
Where hipsters and bad plot devices go to die.
To day this is predictable, is like saying the sun may come up in the morning.
Unlikable characters, labouring over a poorly cast list of hipsters, as they attempt a go at one of the amazing Red movies plot devices - retired hitman has to get back in the game.
For much better movies in this genre, try: John Wick, Red, Jack Ryan, the Bourne movies (which may have destroyed the genre) etc, but not this one.
If you can get past the saccharin (ie: artificial, chemically coloured) first five minutes, strap yourself in for a depressing, drawn out and played out movie. Almost as though they've run out of ideas, so they just keep mashing the same old stereotypes into yet 'pulp' movie.
Wake in Fright (1971)
Like a Jeffrey Smart painting brought to life.
A lot of films have tried to capture the isolation and expanse of the Australian landscape, but few have laid it bare as raw and honestly as this film does.
Made in the year of my birth, it shows an older Australia, which, for the most part, is no longer visible to the naked eye in the capital cities, yet still lingers at it's core.
This should be added to the national curriculum to show how far we've come, and how much we don't want to lose.
At it's heart it shows the struggle between the haves and have nots, in an environment of Australian (class-less) egalitarianism.
Bridge of Spies (2015)
Emotionally moving, enjoyable history retold.
Just a quick review to note Tom Hanks' brilliance on screen and in his choice of scripts.
I thoroughly enjoyed this film, and went into it without expectation, or knowledge of it's plot. My eyes were streaming tears from the characters, their portrayal and the history of the subject matter itself.
I'm deliberately not giving anything away regarding the movie, as you should stop reading this and just watch it.
Beautiful, elegant and moving.
Thanks to all who made it.
Vacation (2015)
Why don't they make more great comedies like this anymore?
Fantastic. Loved the original, and this is the perfect follow up. I went in thinking it couldn't do the original justice, but I was so wrong.
A modern take on a fantastic franchise. Remove your cynical, millennial mindset for an hour or so. Don't read the reviews. Watch and enjoy.
If you enjoyed "We're the Millers", you'll love this. If you loved the original Vacation films, and you're still young at heart with a foot in modernity, then you'll appreciate the comedy in this film and the hat- tip to it's origins.
Nice work. Can't wait to buy it on BluRay and see all the extras.
Stacey Dooley Investigates (2009)
Do you like whiny school girls?
If you feel like watching local people being set upon by a whiny, middle class, self-righteous idiot, watch this.
The presenter has all the charm of a dust pan. Her accent and speaking style is just AWFUL. She sounds like a police siren at 4 in the morning; pedestrian, repetitive and annoying.
She approaches the local inhabitants of the 'trouble spots' she visits to 'judge' (not report with any measure of impartiality) with a kind of colonial conceit. I'd call it arrogance and pomposity, if not for her 'working class' accent/drone, and sheer lack of on- screen depth.
If this seems unfair, watch one episode of her, then compare this to anything done by, say, Louis Theroix, or Anthony Bourdain.
I have no idea how she could have been chosen to front a journalistic television program. My only guess would be nepotism, cronyism or perhaps just dumb luck.
The show itself is the kind of dross churned out for lazy, fat Euro- trash, almost as a reverse psychology travel brochure. "Oooh 'er, 'arry. Let's 'ave it over in Spain. She says them ecstasy pills are cheap as fook o'er there."
If you liked "Embarrassing bodies" and/or any of the shows where the parents spy on their uncultured brain dead adolescent hate-spawn as they destroy once lovely seaside resorts with alcoholism, violence and STD's, then this crap is for you.
Enlisted (2014)
Please make more!
There's not much irreverence left on TV, and shows like this need a chance to really shine. I want to buy all the DVD box sets, special editions, and baseball caps YET to be made about this show. I know this is a crap review, but I'm just so upset to hear it may be canceled. The maker of Me Myself and Irene, Scrubs etc - the guy has just shat pure gold again, but i guess American Karaoke (sic) is WAAAY better. How dumb is the American audience these days? Are all the interesting and funny people serving overseas or something. This show should be sent to all the troops overseas to show them we've not lost our sense of humor and we're still being funny for them back home. 3 more seasons - that's an ORDER son!!!