Change Your Image
zer0oskul
I am not a drug addict.
I live in Ohio.
I have seen near 12,000 movies from the time I was three, as my father was a video pirate.
I have a fine love and understanding of motion pictures.
I never got into high school.
Reviews
Angels & Demons (2009)
The Best Comedy of the Year 2009!!!
What a brilliant comedy full of ridiculous juxtaposition, and showcasing, in the style of The Princess Bride, that a really bad book can make a really funny movie by never building up any suspension of disbelief whatsoever. The soundtrack by Hans Zimmer(True Romance) holds together scenes made entirely of unopposed magnets, the sheer cinematography and performances generally come across brilliantly. Though, overall, the story is terrible the cinematography manages, and at times it seems impossible, to maintain the movie's watchability over two and-a-half hours and captivate us all for a fun time.
This is such a fun and funny movie, and the ending is brilliant!
BRAVO, Ron Howard and crew!
SPOILERS!!!
Scientists are working in a lab at CERN; but the lab, rather than being on the surface, is located about ten feet from the ATLAS computer, which is actually hundreds of feet below ground and kept at almost absolute zero, and the warming and cooling of the complete hadron collider track takes months. So the movie implies that they have a very powerful heating system (for the comfort and survival of the scientists) operating against the biggest, most powerful refrigerator in the universe.
The movie's ATLAS calorimeters--in reality, a specially galvanized steel substance that decays when bombarded by particle explosions--are little tubes (probably nanotubes) that all the particles travel through to be measured; and none of the particles go through any process of decay whatsoever... and the initial collision explodes incredibly slow, at a visible rate... and, of course, all of the scientists are silently proud of their achievement and softly smile to themselves, rather than experiencing rapturous joy at having performed a task none have ever done before and perhaps seeing for the first time in history the thing that some scientists have called The God Particle: the Higgs-Boson. They just softly smile and nod to themselves. HILARIOUS!!!
ANTIMATTER STORAGE IN A BATTERY POWERED TEST TUBE!!! And the battery only lasts until Midnight; on the stroke.
A group of papal potentials are kidnapped and left dead, or dying with ancient brands across their chests representing the four elements of ancient alchemy, which Robert Langdon(Hanks) refers to as the basic elements of science: Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water; and the ancient brands are printed in English! Not Olde English but Modern English. Olde English would have made sense. Eorde Fyr Wind Watar, or even Latin: Terra Incendia Ventus Unda. But no! It's in plain modern English! This major fault in a major plot point is gut-bustingly funny. Every time we see one we are reminded of the ludicrousness of the situation.
While running through an underground maze for some reason, along with guys in flack suits for some reason, Robert Langdon(Hanks) comes to a dead-end. The guys in flack suits turn around and leave for some reason, even though they're escorting Langdon for some reason. Langdon, in the deep, deep depths of some ancient tunnel kicks aside a pile of leafs to reveal the path he must take. LEAFS!!! We're deep in the catacombs under Rome, the place probably hasn't been disturbed for years aside from the random Illuminati or Cardinal, and there's a pile of LEAFS down here. And the pile of leafs from outside, obviously concealing something are not what attracts Robert Langdon(Hanks)'s attention, he is actually drawn in by the fact that all the bricks are the same shape in a line, like a path that leads to the leafs. The leafs are never mentioned as being mysteriously out-of-place deep in a dusty catacomb.
And for some reason there's a beautiful CERN scientist, Vittoria Vetra(Ayalet Zurer: she was in another movie that you never saw and probably never will), following Robert Langdon(Hanks) everywhere asking him why he's doing stuff. There's almost a reasonable explanation for her existence: she has a spare battery for the antimatter container, which has no timer on it, only blinking lights, but she can only change the battery if she has more than five minutes before the expiration of the old battery... which has NO TIMER. At one point, because a pen is not immediately available, she tears a page out of a priceless handwritten book by Galileo. If I were Langdon I would have assumed she was a spy trying to discredit my reputation, rather than a particle physicist, and turned her in immediately.
A Catholic douses himself in kerosene and sets himself ablaze, a la Buddha!!!
My favorite part of the movie is that all of the news reporters are standing on scaffolds and atop their news vans when the antimatter--instead of collapsing and dissipating into nothing when contacted by natural matter, this contact includes being looked at-- the antimatter explodes and washes a nuclear-bomb-like blast-wave over St. Peter's square-- leaving the entire rest of the Vatican, and all of Rome, undamaged--the explosion sends people flying and sliding, all the news reporters are tossed from on high, headfirst, really hard, at the road, most probably killed, and at least suffering concussions and brain hemorrhages. The next day they're all fine and everybody reports calmly without even a scratch.
Cool part: At one point Robert Langdon(Hanks) flips through a book containing sample symetric anagraphs that did not make the cut as the movie's Illuminati emblem.
The thing also contains micro homages to other Tom Hanks movies, for example I found myself muttering about how I bet he wished he'd remembered how to build the CO2 filter from Apollo 13, while trapped in the Vatican archives with a depleting air supply. The air supply was completely drained in a matter of less than an hour. And the first time we see Robert Langdon (Hanks) he is swimming, wearing a Speedo and, though all we've seen is his pale butt, I was instantly able to recognize him from his introduction in too-small tighty-whities from Big.
And, seriously, there's almost two and-a-half hours of this stuff!
The Profit (2001)
A Tale of Deceit
This fascinating legend of a man, Leeland Conrad Powers, mad with a want of freedom, who imprisons himself in a string of faulty lies; depleting his sense of stability and spiraling him, thoroughly, into madness and obsession is well worth watching. Intense, loosely edited, but nonetheless compelling, direct and honest tale of how Satanism mixed with psychotherapeutic hypotheses based in hypnosis can, theoretically, lead to a cult of Charles Manson Family proportions and eventually a religion like Judaism, or Scientology. No offense intended, just examples.
Powers' followers are hypnotized into believing that all physical phenomenae are just processes of the mind, and not actually occurring. They avoid psychology and hypnosis ideas, and those in-the-know about them, because they are the basis of SciMIND, Powers' name for his process, and would easily discredit him as a quack, brainwashing people. The main tenet of Scientific Spiritualism, the religion, is that followers give it money... though they are a nonprofit organization.
Ironically, Powers' madness leads him to believe his own ball of hooey, and he takes himself to be a true prophet of God, though he started it all to escape the fate of imprisonment.
This is well worth watching. And, because the movie's distributor is not allowed to profit from sales in the United States, I think that you can make as many copies as you want in that country and give them away for free.
Armageddon (1998)
And all over the south, before the emergency status drops, aryan children in overalls make soapbox space shuttles
While I'll admit that this movie is clever in parts, like all of the government agents chasing down Bear (I love that one shot), this movie is lousy.
If you own a copy of this movie, place it upon an anvil, yell "This how we fix on Russia Space Station!" and smash it with a ridiculously large monkey wrench.
There was another movie that was actually good, followed the same basic plot and came out at thhe same time and it actually had an asteroid hitting Earth, devastating millions and putting 6the tears of a vanquished humanity into my eyes... Deep Impact. I have noticed people saying that the movie is art because it made $600 million dollars at the box office which is like saying Jenna Jameson is an artist because she's the most popular porn actress of all time. This movie IS garbage, popular garbage but garbage nonetheless, see Deep Impact.
Okay, Bruce Willis is an oilman who hates the idea of not having to drill for oil, so much so, that when protesters come near him, complaining about oil spills and environmental disaster, he drives golf balls at them and we all know that it doesn't hurt to get hit with a golf ball and you can't possibly be killed by it so, of course, it's funny.
Ben Afleck CANNOT act!!!!!!!!!!
Once upon a time, JOHN DENVER wrote a song called "Leaving on a Jet Plane", which made sense with his line "When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring," implying that upon return he will drop to one knee and propose to his beloved, there is a reproduced track of the same song with the same line performed by a femalic moron for this movie in which, rather than augment the line to "I'll WEAR your wedding ring", she keeps it the same, to suggest that she'll kneel down before her betrothed and demand a marriage now!
If, no matter what, the guys are going to space, no chance in Hell they're not, what's the point of the psychological imbalance testing?
How does Steve Buschemi get the sunglasses on inside his helmet?
Where did Steve Buschemi get the high tech jeweler's eyepiece?
We call him Hound Dog because he's horny. I do not know anyone who equates HORNY with HOUND DOG. The following comes into my mind upon hearing hound dog: Elvis, The Baskervilles, loud and raucus, blood hound, etc. but NOT horny. What does that mean to imply?
How did NASA get a report on the total makeup of the planetoid(not asteroid) without sending off a probe and, if the thing is rotating erratically, how are they able to ensure any kind of sensible landing at all?
Why is the planetoid shedding so much stuff? It is assumable that it has been travelling billions of miles and I think its own gravity and other radical objects in space would have worn it down to a hunk of fairly smooth and slightly cratered planetary material.
What does, "the size of Texas" mean?
How does an atom bomb, less than a thousand feet into a planetoid, assumedly, as far across in every dimension as Texas, split the planetoid in half? How does the planetoid split from the 'front'(the end nearest Earth) when our team of heroes are working at its side?
I'm sure it was fun to make, just toss off a bunch of prescripted catch-lines and get millions of dollars, but it is just so I.Q. diminishing to watch.
Why do they specifically need Bruce Willis's drill design to cut through rock? Nasa has microwave matter splitters, for heaven's sake.
Why do they need a team of oil workers to operate a drill?
Why can't a NASA physicist put together a drill designed by an idiot?
Why can't a NASA physicist understand how a solar sail works and why would he roll his eyes at the movies most sensible idea?
What the hell does getting a "C" average in astrophysics have to do with anything??
THIS IS cinematic garbage! Watch Deep Impact, you might actually learn a whole lot of neat stuff and the movie is just as exciting as Armageddon, if not more so.
The Wizard (1989)
That deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean Mario3
It's Tommy, but in non musical sense. The story follows a little boy who, like Tommy, is non associative to sound or picture and can beat the toughest arcade games of his day without batting an eyelash.
Depression brought on by the tragic loss of his twin sister, Jennifer, and his family's refusal to discuss the situation leads seven-year-old Jimmy Woods to hide deeper and deeper inside himself. Searching for answers he concludes that if he can only return to the place on Earth where he was happiest, where the best time in his life occurred, he will be able to truly be happy again. Lunch pail in hand and nothing but his own intuition to guide him the young boy sets off on a trip to California. We can only imagine the horrors that have filled Jimmy's life with his preadolescent confusion and dis-understanding of the reality of things around him. His wanting to just hear the words that it's all right. Jimmy is fascinated with patterns and observing the narrowing toward the peak of a pyramid watching a pattern shorten, in essence move faster. Similar, in an analog sense, to the ascending difficulty in repeating patterns of the motions of video game characters on a television screen.
Corey Woods, Jimmy's older half brother, through their father, loves his brother. He wants no harm or fear to ever enter Jimmy's life and wants only for his sibling to live happily in the company of family and friends. Corey, coincidentally, decides to run away to California with Jimmy to keep him out of a home for the mentally disabled.
Haley is the know it all, "all grown up" kid who tries her damnedest to hold the world together. Wants to prove to her father that she's got it together. Her mother, who got lost in an addiction to gambling and unspecified drugs, left her father. Haley wants to prove to herself as much as to her father that she's got it together. So much so that she can travel cross country alone at twelve, so much so that she can gamble against nothing and come out on the very top.
Sam Woods fills in most of the comic relief as he and his eldest son, Nick, spend the movie in a race and chase against the children's bounty hunter, a snyde ass-bag of a fellow, real easy character to hate, called Putnam. Putnam was hired by Sam's ex-wife and Jimmy's mother, Christine, and her new husband, Mr. Bateman, to track down the runaway children. He sees Jimmy and Corey as a meal ticket and he refuses to let anything get between him and his money. He has several encounters with Sam and Nick on his hunt and tries to stop them every step of the way with as many underhanded schemes as he can come up with from slashing Sam's tires to selling Sam's truck to a chop-shop. He is representation of all seven mortal sins and, while Sam is nowhere near a perfect person, it is easy to cheer him on every time he gets a step ahead of, or attacks, Mister Putnam. Through the film, Sam and Nick get to play several video games and come to a sort of understanding of one another that they hadn't had since Jennifer was alive, a sort of comradery that ought to exist between every son and father but is so rare.
Lucas is the reigning video game champion and has a thug crew who hang onto him because he is as close as they will ever get to anything worthwhile as Lucas hangs onto the video games in the same manner. Lucas is not necessarily an evil character and at the end there is a sense of humbling within him as he does come to realize slightly that winning isn't everything and losing won't kill you.
Along their journey, the kids are helped by various people in parts of society that most would try to shy away from, truckers and gamblers and lesbian bikers, to be specific. The story also shows that even if you think you know who you are getting a ride from, you should beware because greed can make even the seemingly nicest person into a monster.
The story is simple, yet worthwhile three kids go across the country to do something that they had never thought to do before, it recommends that real adventure should coexist with electronic diversion if you're going to have electronic diversion; and it also shows us that there is a time and a place for everything. It shows kids that if they are ever in trouble with a stranger, it is always a good idea to scream. In the end, Jimmy is more social but still has a long way to go before anyone might consider him "normal"; but it shows definite progress in his character.
Even though the situation is ridiculous in parts, it is still touching and fun. This is a great family film, which can make the family video game machine be more than just a toy.
I highly recommend it regardless of your age or family status.
Lost Highway (1997)
Robert Blake is the key, incredible.
I've seen the film some fourteen times and every time I try to make sense out of it, it's just a jumbled mess. If you don't try to make sense of it, it makes perfect sense. Bill Pullman and Balthazar Getty are just guys, the mystery man is who it is about.
From that first creepily echoed laugh over the phone at the party it's confusing as hell. And then Bill Pullman murders his wife and Balthazar, that wacky kid, runs off with both girls who are only one girl.
Situational sensibility:
The beginning is strange and doesn't start to make sense until Pete turns into Fred at the end.
Going back over it, it's a confusing ten mile a minute(600 mph)run. The mystery man is Fred and Pete. Mystery man is an old guy who never chronicled his youth photographically. He's old now and using some sort of psychic sensibility takes over the minds of already mad, not explained but implied madness, men and forces them to perform acts he's accomplished in his youth. Taking their lives, ruining their lives, he uses them(notice how they all look strikingly similar)to make a photo imaged report of the activities in his youth.
That's as much sense as I've pulled from this film, as of yet. It's amazing and if you decide to watch 'Go' instead, Robert Blake'll get you too.
Marilyn Manson stars as a porn star.
Beat (2000)
Skip this and see Naked Lunch
I popped in the DVD of the story behind William Seward Burroughs II's murder of his wife Joan. I have read a bit of Burroughs and I own an album by him(he really talked like that). Cinematic folly, from plot to presentation to soundtrack(I was expecting space jazz... or just anything to give the movie a feeling of hipness) it is a bummer. The movie's main surprise is that it is so slow in moving forward and building up. Anticipated for a year and a half, I finally got around to it and was more entertained by Wonder Boys. If you don't know anything at all about Bill Burroughs or Jack Kerrouac(who is portrayed in the movie a total of one second, seriously), see this movie and then gradually immerse yourself into Kerrouac and Ginsberg and work over to Burroughs. If you already know anything at all about the hipster beat culture, this movie is a complete waste of time.
Watch Naked Lunch instead.
Aside: The movie's one saving grace over Naked Lunch is that Keifer Sutherland's portrayal of Burroughs is more true-to-life than Peter Weller's performance in the latter.
The Blues Brothers (1980)
From here to 1060 W. Adisson
First, there isn't a person in existence who can't enjoy good soul music, if you find one they'll like jazz. And if that doesn't work, I'm not talking R&B when I say rhythm and blues.
Second, only Groucho Marx could honestly say that he's got a wit sharper than that with which this was written.
Third, Illinois Nazis headed by Henry Gibson.
Fourth, "We're on a mission from God."
Fifth, More police cars are destroyed in this movie than in the history of automobiles.
Sixth, The hardest working man in show business, The godfather of soul, The Reverend Cleophus James Brown.
Seventh, Police chase after police chase after police chase.
Eighth, "This is car number fifty-five, we're in a truck!"
Ninth, S.C.M.O.D.S. State County Municipal Offender Data System
Tenth, You will not have a backside after this film because you will have laughed it off.
Shanghai Knights (2003)
Jackie kicks it where the others missed it every time, historically inaccurate.
The only people who should feel insulted by this posting are the two college bred guys I was making fun of the other day because they were using points from this movie to try to win an argument.
Even a history fan such as myself can enjoy the thing.
To point out historical inaccuracies, I will have to ruin the movie but only slightly, I won't offer any major plot points.
The year is 1886, the Statue of Liberty is almost completed and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is about to publish his first Sherlock Holmes story.
The year is 1902, Charlie Chaplin is thirteen and there is an automobile with a steering wheel available.
The year is 1837 and the Artful Dodger(who for no reason I can understand is also Charlie Chaplin) is wandering the streets of London hoping to meet Oliver Twist but winds up with Xion Uang and Roy O'Bannon and gets to go to America with them at the end, though Charlie Chaplin was not an orphan. He was actually an actor from the age of five and did not get to America until he was 21 in 1910.
The year is 1888, and Jack the Ripper is wandering the streets of East London, hunting down prostitutes(and Xion Lin for some reason)to mutilate.
The year is 1862 and Richard Gatling has just invented the Gatling Gun of which of which the Chinese assassins have a prototype.
Aside from the immense historical inaccuracies, Jackie Chan is incredible, the gags are brilliant, the Singing in the Rain fight sequence will make you say ooh and ow, Owen Wilson makes the most evil insult to orphans everywhere. I recommend seeing it but don't use it as a historical guide for anything.
You will like it and your kids WILL love it.
The Terminal (2004)
Stephen Spielberg Stopped Sucking
I don't know what happened to Stephen Spielberg after Schindler's List but it wasn't good. Historical drama after historical drama and they all sucked the hose dry. Here, Spielberg shows us why we love his craft so well. It's almost a more adult version of Hook. Victor N'vorsky flies in to Neverland to rescue Benny Goldson's autograph and then can't figure out how to fly home. Captain Hook of the airport wants him to handle it his way. The quarters scene is the same scene from Hook where the boy is messing with Panny's face. And all the while there's a cute little fairy trying to make sense of the whole thing. If there's one thing that Stephen Spielberg is good at it is making me want to sit still and stare at a wall for two hours and I'm glad that he's back to doing that.
Breakdown (1997)
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Starring Jackie Chan, minus Texas, chain saw and Jackie Chan. But that is what it is.
The very best action packed suspense dramatic thriller I have ever seen. Throughout my life I have seen about twelve thousand movies, so that actually is saying something. I can't believe that I never saw this movie until today. Wish I had seen it in the theatre.
Jeff and Amy Taylor are moving from the east coast to the west coast and have a breakdown some sixty miles outside of the town that progress forgot. A friendly truck driver offers to help and gives Amy a ride to town while Jeff stays behind to watch the SUV. He notices the actual problem with his car's engine, a minor one that he can fix, and gets under way to meet up with his wife. When he gets to the diner where Amy is supposed to be calling for a tow truck, she is not there. Where is Amy? Where is the trucker who helped her? Why are people shooting at Jeff?
BUZZ WORDS THAT I'VE HEARD APPLIED TO OTHER MOVIES, WHICH GENERALLY DISAPPOINT, BUT ARE ACCURATE FOR THIS ONE:
Breakdown is an edge of your seat, adrenaline pumping and heart stopping in your face cinematic thrill ride that will leave you breathless and begging for more pulse pounding, jaw dropping excitement; and then it delivers with a finale that will leave you teetering on the edge of eternity chewing on someone else's fingernails.
If you only have the opportunity to see one action flick in your lifetime, THIS HAS TO BE IT!
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
Holy Crap!
The funniest thing about it is that director Terry Gilliam never used drugs.
Recently deceased, writer/journalist/all around psycho freak, Hunter S. Thompson's real life 1971 drug induced 'trip' to Las Vegas to write a story on the Mint 400 motorcycle race for the national sporting press.
Subsequently, the story was never written and the hero finds himself in a psychadelized nightmare of high powered blotter acid and an assortment of multi-colored uppers, downers, laughers and screamers. . . .and some pure human adrenochrome along with the wild night life and flashing neon that makes Las Vegas so full of. . . .Fear and Loathing.
With more cameos and better acting and finer cinematography and a better all around believable story than any three Oliver Stone movies that you could take in on any given night(unless one of them is Salvador which is about on par with this minus cameo).
Get the special collectors edition DVD featuring a 1978 BBC documentary following the real life 'Dr.Gonzo' across the U.S.A. with artist pal Ralph Steadman. It is uncanny to compare Hunter Thompson from the documentary to Johnny Depp from the feature because Johnny Depp, for at least this movie(see lingerings of the power of playing Dr. Thompson in Depp's character portrayals in Once Upon A Time In Mexico and Pirates of the Caribbean), is a perfect depiction of Thompson's own impression of his fictional character based on himself.
The moral of the movie, I have noticed quite a number of 'educated smarties' pass it off as though it has no moral, as though it's just two maniacs doing maniac things in maniac ways to nice 'normal' people so that maniacs will become agitated and perhaps copy it. The story of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and the entire Raul Duke catalogue, Fear and Loathing in Gonzovision, Where the Bufallo Roam and the entire Hunter S. Thompson book series is a genuine look into the mind of a dreamer who just wanted to find something nice. When he couldn't, he would smash up what was already ugly and people would complain that he made the ugly. The morality behind the entire life of Doctor Hunter Stockton Thompson is that evil is not out there. Meanness and anger are not out there. They are in here, inside us all, waiting to break out and do something that we must apologize for. As though it were impossible for another person to commit the same evil you'd apologized for. The moral of the story is to always say thank you but never say that you were sorry.
While I am aware that this makes little sense, if it makes any sense to you then watch the darned thing.