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Reviews
Match Point (2005)
Would you rather be lucky or good?
This movie took me by surprise. I'm a big Scarlett Johansson fan so I figured I'd see a nice little Woody Allen comedy drama with Scarlett being as sexy as one role could contain -- and I got that -- but there are so many more layers that continue to pile up as the movie goes on. Once the real action starts -- or perhaps I should say the real suspense -- it never lets up and it kept me quite literally on the edge of my seat.
On the other hand the movie is really quite funny. From the simple jokes -- like the confusion between "Wok" and "Work" which seems designed for English speaking audiences outside of Britain -- to the more intelligent jokes which can only be understood properly with an overarching view of the entire situation -- like the "Powerful serve" line, which is as funny as it is because of the complexity of which Chloe is totally unaware.
Just let yourself fall into the traps each character (particularly the four main characters) sets for themselves and your bound to get lost in the little world Allen has set up. Every shot is beautiful and a witty comment on its own so if you're open to it you will enjoy this movie as much as I do. I am waiting (quite impatiently) for someone I know to see this movie so I can discuss each scene for hours and hours -- the complexity in their faces alone! Oh my, go see this movie!
Catwoman (2004)
Need I say more?
Here's the scene: (This is not a spoiler, it's all in the movie summary so don't worry) Poor nervous, shy (and, of course, beautiful) "Patience" -- clever name -- accidentally finds out her employer's dastardly plans, so they kill her off. She is drowned by the pipes she runs into. Her dead body washes up on a piece of yucky land.
Suddenly a large group of cats begins to form around her dead body. I swear I thought they were going to break out into a big number of "Jelicho Cats." One of them -- you'll recognize him from earlier in the movie -- crawls up onto her and breathes some supernaturalness into her mouth. Now she is a catwoman.
Need I say more?
The Brave Little Toaster (1987)
I'm aching with joy.
What happened to amazing movies like The Brave Little Toaster? And I am not being sarcastic at all. This movie came out the year I was born and I've still not seen a better children's movie. And when I speak of good children's movies I don't mean things like Teletubbies which can mesmerize a two-year old; I mean movies that I can still watch today and adore. For example, I loved Finding Nemo, as well as Shrek (not Shrek 2) and a few others. But not since Toy Story have I really loved a kid's movie as much as BLT. Yes, I'm stealing the sandwich's abbreviation and giving it to the movie.
The thing about BLT that amazes me the most is just how adult it is. I mean, sure, it's not very adult to have a toaster, a vacuum, a lamp, a blanket, and a radio (JON LOVITZ!!) going on an adventure to find their old "Master," and it may even be considered a little childish to be caught up on your old things-- but forget about the overtones! What about that nightmare? I won't spoil anything but see this movie and remember that question: WHAT ABOUT THAT NIGHTMARE?! It is...intense.
Listen to the words of the songs (other than their little "going on an adventure" theme). The song all the cars sing is devastating; the broken appliances are creepy as hell and the modern ones are so mean! And that little fat guy! Oh man, you just have to see this movie for yourself. There is nothing quite as wonderful as the cuteness of Blanky, the hypocrisy of Toaster, the courage of Lampy, the pride of Kirby, and of course, the wit of the Radio, all rolled into one film-- plus songs, squirrels and frogs etc, a giant angry magnet, an awesome TV personality, and enough colors and fun to warrant a sugar high.
See this movie if there is any love inside of you.
Space Jam (1996)
Lola Bunny is a Fox.
I give this movie a 10 not because it is great or because it is a fantastic children's movie or anything like that. I give this movie a ten because somehow it manages to entrance me whenever it is on. Whether it is the opening shot of young Michael or the first line of Danny DeVito, something about this movie just pulls me in. I also give this movie a ten because Lola Bunny is a fox. That voice! No wonder Bugs is so hooked.
But seriously, now. This movie is simple and ridiculous. It's fun to see Michael Jordan's arm stretching like mad, Bill Murray is always entertaining ("Larry *Bird*'s not white, he's clear," or something like that), and you get to check out a rabbit. Not to mention the soundtrack: Space Jam - one of the most painful theme songs to date; Fly Like An Eagle - foreshadowing; and of course the somehow wholesome R. Kelly hit I Believe I Can Fly.
I have one question only: Where is the damn sequel?
Storm Trooper (1998)
Not even so bad it's good.
I am a lover of bad movies. I own "R.O.T.O.R." and "Boa vs. Python" and am working to build up my collection to such great titles as "Troll 2" and "What's up Superdoc?" But "Storm Trooper" is not even bad enough to make it to the list of wonderfully terrible movies. It's just lame. The guy who said he's had better dialogue with his potted plants has it right. Everything about this movie is stupid. When the robot guy runs into the car it seems almost as if he knew it was going to blow up, there was just no reason he would ever run in that direction. "Judge, Jury, and Executioner," "The perfect cop...but they went too far," I mean, come on, why do people bother making these movies anymore? R.O.T.O.R. makes it because it is hysterically awful, but Storm Trooper is just a waste of cinema because it isn't even bad enough to be so bad it's worth watching. This belongs in someone's home movies collection, something they can be sort of proud of, but that is all. I am p*ssed off it was on an HBO channel (with only 1-star, which is why I watched it) because it didn't belong there. Even if you love bad movies, do not watch this movie. It is shameful.
R.O.T.O.R. (1987)
This is the worst movie I have ever seen, and I love it.
This movie gets a 5 out of 10 not because it deserves five points, in fact, I don't think the quality is such that it deserves one point. But it is just so god damn bad that I love it enough to boost up the points.
To begin with, Richard Gesswein is the worst leading man ever to grace the silver screen. They had to get someone to pull a voice-over for his role, Coldyron (Yeah, that's a tough name), as well as his leading lady, Dr. Steele's part. Dr. Steele, by the way, is a bodybuilder woman with a skunk on her head.
The opening scene reveals the end of the movie immediately telling you that you are wasting an hour and a half. These three guys (the director, writer and star) came up with enough money to take RoboCop, The Terminator, and Judge Dredd (which was merely in comic book form at the time) into one completely awful masterpiece.
When we go back to the beginning of the story, the clock strikes 5:00 and Coldyron wakes up. Just as a quick note to the viewers, the filmmakers then had the clock read 4:50, as if to say, "Please, it's not too late for you, turn off the TV and RUN!" Of course, I didn't follow the directions, I just laughed. Shortly thereafter he fills up a cup of coffee with far too much sugar and you're thinking, "Wow, he sure likes sugar." (This is a joke that you will soon be hoping the filmmakers didn't find to be funny). He grabs carrots from the fridge and heads outside, to his horse. You think the carrots are for the horse, right? But he gives the horse the coffee! THAT'S why there was so much sugar! Then HE eats the carrots himself! AHA! SO FUNNY!! This is about how great the entire movie is.
Absolutely nothing makes sense in this movie. Gesswein says that ROTOR will be ready in 25 years, then says he needs at least 4. Shortly thereafter a Native American character named Shoeboogie puts his headphones in the wrong place and sparks ROTOR. It just makes no sense at all.
I won't go into too many more details, but the worst part of the entire movie must be the fact that ROTOR can take off his sunglasses AND SEE INTO THE PAST! Apparently a function called SENSOR RECALL was built into his system, but it is so insanely dumb that the screenwriter didn't even bother trying to come up with some sort of half-assed explanation. None of the technical jargon even sounds like it makes sense, but he didn't even try going into sensor recall.
You have to see SENSOR RECALL in action to truly appreciate it's sheer madness.
At the conclusion of the movie, Coldyron utilizes a technique Shoeboogie spoke of earlier to kill ROTOR, as if to tie everything together in some sort of nice neat way. One of the problems is that Shoeboogie never spoke to Coldyron. Another is that a few pieces of string defeat this unstoppable supercop.
Another is that I am trying to make sense of a movie in which the comic relief is delivered by a Robot who can think on his own, but the supercop won't be ready for another 25 years.
ROTOR is the worst movie ever made. If you can find something worse, please bring it to me, because I need it.
Please see ROTOR. It is so bad, you will hate me for making you watch it.
And then you will make all of your friends watch it...and you will love me once more.
"Look at these cheekbones: I'm either an Indian or a sissy. And, heh heh, I sure ain't no sissy." (or something like that...) -Shoeboogie