shonagon53-1 Reviews

Molokai (1999)

Disastrously weak movie about a great man

[1/10 · 8 May 2005]

I'd have to agree with my colleague from Amsterdam: this movie is horrible. It is disastrous on all fronts: acting, story line, soundscapes and soundtrack, rhythm, cinematography, etc... etc...

And now for the bad part. Here we have a man, Father Damian, a character that has literally *everything* you need to make a fantastic biopic: a man with a modest social background living in industrialized Flanders, who suddenly finds himself in "paradise" (the beautiful tropical and lush islands of Hawaii), and who gives everything up to go live with the lepers, and who continuously disobeys his superiors.

Really, this stuff is enough to make three brilliant movies with. Everything is there. And these movie makers throw it all away. How can you scr*w up so badly!!? My doggy could do better.

The lead actor is some third rate Australian, who has to twist his accent to fake something that doesn't at all resemble a Flemish guy speaking English. This alone makes the entire movie an irritating experience.

Really, EVERYTHING about this movie is bad. I could go on. One more example: when they introduce a new character, they zoom in on its feet, then show some trees, and then suddenly Damien turns up and the character returns but out of focus, or somewhere in the background, etc...etc... Nothing in this movie is done right.

I'm not going to write anything else. This is pure crap. I don't like Hollywood, but this nonsense sucks ten thousand times more.

Someone please grab this story about Father Damien, and turn it into a master piece. It should be a piece of cake.

I voted a straight "1", because "0" was not an option.

Thirteen Days (2000)

There were WMD, but war was avoided

[8/10 · 25 February 2005]

George W. Bush and his cronies should watch this movie, together with all Americans. Thirteen Days shows what happens when good men are in power. During the Cuban Missile crisis, America (and the world) faced total destruction. There were "massive stockpiles" of "active" WMD, "ready to be launched". The evidence of the existence of those WMD was overwhelming. Nobody questioned it. Not even the Soviets. And still, war was averted...

The movie brilliantly shows how both the Kennedy's and Adlai Stevenson saved America, through diplomacy. It also shows how the evil and dark American military tries to trigger them into a war. But thank God, it failed. Today, a lot has changed: America is run by a bunch of war criminals who force-feed their obvious lies to the American nation, which swallowed every little detail of it, obediently. This fascist government rushed to war, on the basis of bogus arguments, which the entire world exposed.

This movie allows us to understand the differences between the Good Kennedy's, when America was a great nation, and the Evil Bush administration, who ruined every last bit of it.

A must see for all freedom and truth loving people.

Road to Perdition (2002)

Hilariously mediocre story

[1/10 · 19 January 2005]

Three of Hollywood's softest actors are thrown together into one of the dullest stories in cinema history, playing pseudo-subtle maffiosi. Mob man's family gets killed by his own clan, and the man takes revenge! It's quite fantastic to see Tommy Soft & Serious Hanks playing a tormented maffioso who has to choose between mob loyalty and family (you feel the tension). Add teddy bear Jude Law as a nasty assassin (I couldn't stop laughing), and Paul Newman as the Godfather (can you imagine?), and we have the perfect ingredients for a laugh-kick. Since there is no plot, we must stick to discussing the merits of using perfect-son-in-law actors as gangsters. No workie.

I often wondered whether this movie was intended as a comedy, but the more moralistic the story got, the more I understood that Tom Hanks (the moralist of all moralists) must have had the brilliant idea of using himself to prove that maffiosi do have feelings too.

Besides deserving an Oscar for worst cast in history, I urge technically minded individuals to investigate whether my DVD laserhead simply spinned too sloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwly, or whether Mendes was actually serious about this wicked tempo. Awful movies often have a reason to be called awful. This one is too empty to have reasons.