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jwilson09
Reviews
Celebrity Challenge of the Sexes (1977)
Great show that could only come from the 1970s!
As a kid growing up in the 1970s Celebrity Challenge of the Sexes was one of my favorite shows ever! Similar in premise to another TV competitor, ABC's Battle of the Network Stars but with one big difference, in this program instead of TV Networks competing against one another, in Celebrity Challenge of the Sexes numerous movie and television stars would compete, male vs. female, to prove which was the superior sex! This program ran for several years and gave us countless hours of entertainment as the various stars fought it out as to which was the better gender! I can't remember all of the episodes but the first two live forever in my memory, mostly because teen star Kristy McNichol was in both shows and I was (and still am) a big fan of hers.
The first Celebrity Challenge of the Sexes aired on Sunday, April 17th 1977 on CBS and was a two-hour special TV event! This episode featured many riveting competitions including Bill Cosby vs. Farrah Fawcett-Majors in tennis, Redd Foxx vs. Roz Kelly in billiards, Elliott Gould vs. Brenda Vaccaro in Basketball, Stefanie Powers vs. Tony Randall in swimming, Lloyd Bridges vs. Cindy Williams in a bicycle race, Robert Conrad vs. Penny Marshall in the obstacle course, Phyllis George vs. O.J. Simpson in Ping Pong, Gabe Kaplan vs. Susan Howard in bowling, Ed Asner vs. Lola Falana in a marathon and McLean Stevenson vs. Kathy Crosby in golf! Of course for me the best (and most memorable) part of that episode was watching little Kristy McNichol take on Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty in a skateboard competition and beat him four out of four times! As I recall their clash caused a considerable controversy in school the next day.
Only in America and only in the 1970s could you have a show like this, Connie Stevens and Flip Wilson competing in a go-kart race on national TV to prove which was the superior sex, television the likes of this will never be seen again!
Starsky and Hutch: Little Girl Lost (1976)
Kristy McNichol co-stars in this, probably one of her finest early TV roles
Molly "Pete" Edwards (Kristy McNichol) is a young girl living on her own on the mean streets of the city, she is a tough little kid that is used to taking care of herself. She does have a father (King Moody) but as he has spent a lot of time in jail and the rest of his time drinking he isn't much of a father to her. Starsky and Hutch run into "Pete" at a local grocery stealing food and try to help her. Her father has some problems of his own. Before he went to jail the last time he and his buddies pulled off a diamond robbery and he ended up with the loot. Now that he is out again his friends want their cut of the money no matter what they have to do to get it. They accidentally kill him while he is trying to get away and now they begin searching for his daughter, the only person alive that might know where the diamonds are. Meanwhile Hutch has decided to try to help Molly and she moves in with him, at least until other arrangements can be made. The killers, having finally tracked her down kidnap her but she somehow manages to escape. Molly then decides to use herself as bait for a trap to capture the men that killed her father, but it is a dangerous game she is playing, a game that could get her killed.
This was Kristy McNichol's second appearance on this series and also her best. Her role here is much more developed than on the other two episodes in which she appeared. She is also given more time to develop her character and to fully display her acting abilities. She has several touching and memorable scenes and her character is completely essential to the story, in the case of this particular episode probably even more so than the show's stars.
Prettykill (1987)
The movie that makes mentally ill psycho killers funny!
"Hello 9-1-1? I'd like to report this woman, sometimes she can be this sweet southern gal, very innocent and childlike, a real cute blonde that you'd really like to know better. But at other times she can be this complete psycho who runs around in a bad wig cutting people to pieces with a straight razor. What should I do? Sir, this line is for emergencies only and you really don't have an emergency, you're simply describing the laughably horrible 1987 drama Prettykill directed by George Kaczender, so please just sit back and enjoy the movie".
Police Sgt. Larry Turner (David Birney) has several problems, first his girlfriend Heather (Season Hubley) is a prostitute and a madam, wait that's not really a problem for him, in fact he doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all. He does have other things on his mind though; the biggest would be "Lightning Boy" (Gary Majchrazak), a big time drug dealer that is pushing dope on playgrounds all over New York. Turner is going to get this pusher that is selling death all over the city and who is also responsible for the murder of a fellow police officer. Turner's boss (Yaphet Kotto) doesn't like him or the way that he does his job; he blames Turner for the cop's death and wants him off of the force. Another problem is that Turner (Birney), as we all know is a tough street cop, and tough street cops have to kill scumbags on occasion which causes him much distress. But like any other normal New York cop he relieves his anguish by getting hammered and having angst ridden pillow talk with his hooker girlfriend. Turner's girlfriend Heather is the one you should really feel sorry for, it's not easy to be a high-class prostitute and madam in 1980's New York. First there are the customers, obnoxious and demanding. Then you have to be seen at all of the right parties, if there isn't lots of cocaine, naked people in clown makeup and life-sized nude cakes you can just forget it. You'll also have to deal with the occasional deviant ambassador and lets not forget the personnel problem, finding good employees can really be a hassle. In her unending effort to find quality girls Heather recruits Francie (Suzanne Snyder). Francie is a sweet small-town girl all the way from Georgia, she is a little too "low class" but Heather thinks she has potential. They meet at the strip club were Francie is dancing and hit it off. Of course Heather can't have any of her girls working in such a place and since our little trailer-trash waif has no place to call home Heather takes her home with her. Bad move, because it would seem that Francie might just be slightly unbalanced, lets face it her little noggin is cracked wide open. It seems she has more than one person up there in her head, besides Francie we have the sad little abused girl Jodie, the sophisticated worldly Stella and even her own abusive father lives in her head. If it weren't crowded enough up there already, now it would seem that she might also be turning into her new benefactor. Can Francie be the one responsible for the unexplained murders that have been occurring in the city lately? And lets not forget that mysterious man with a limp, the man who has been following Francie around from the beginning of the film, watching her, dumping dead bodies in the river, spontaneously crying, could he possibly know something about these murders?
This production has all the earmarks of a very badly made television movie that somehow, inexplicably made its way to your local cinema. This film is just so bad at so many levels that it really can't be described. It all adds up to the most enjoyable experience in badness. While it was originally intended to be a serious shocker it actually ended up being a very (unintentional) funny comedy instead. The story itself is laughable, the directing non-existent and the acting, well lets just say it's not award winning by any stretch of the imagination. You would think that David Birney would be tops in this department, having appeared in so many truly awful films, but you would be wrong! Yes, he is in way over his head trying to play a hardened Dirty Harry type street cop on the mean streets of N.Y.C. but in this film Suzanne Snyder has him beat for the top prize in scenery eating. I can find no words in English that can completely describe just how over the top she is in this film. I defy anyone not to bust out laughing when little Francie turns into her own abusive, redneck "Daddy". Everyone in this film is just bad (some more than others), even Yaphet Kotto, who is probably the best actor in this production ends up just giving a lot of mean stares and reciting some pretty stupid lines. As an extra-added bonus this film also happens to feature one of the worst movie soundtracks that I have ever heard, some very bad 80's elevator music that never quite seems to match the scene that it was intended for! It's very possible the makers of this film only used this music after getting a good deal on it when it was rejected for Dynasty. Yes, you will have to go a long way to find another movie as bad (and funny) as this one, although I am sure there are probably quite a few contenders waiting in the wings, Hollywood just never seems to stop churning out monstrosities like this do they?
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman (1958)
1950's bombshell actress in a bikini made out of bed sheets!
So you have a hankering to see a gigantic 1950's bombshell actress rampaging through a city? How about a "flying satellite" with a 30ft alien inside? Do you need some truly terrible acting, directing, dialog and special effects to make your day complete? Then one of the most legendary bad movies of all times, Attack of the 50ft Woman (1958), directed by Nathan Hertz (Nathan Juran) is just the movie you are looking for.
Wealthy heiress Nancy Archer (Allison Hayes) has a lot of money but she also has a lot of problems. For one thing, despite being a very beautiful woman, the inheritor of a 50 million dollar financial empire and owner of one of the world's largest diamonds she just can't seem to keep a man. Her husband Harry (William Hudson) likes the money and all of the trappings that come with it, he just doesn't happen to like his wife. He prefers to keep the company of local hussy Honey Parker (Yvette Vickers) while Mrs. Archer stays at home pining for her philandering husband and hitting the bottle like there is no tomorrow. In addition to her drinking problem she also spent some time in the "booby hatch", so it comes as very little surprise when absolutely no one will believe her when she begins telling people that she was accosted out on a deserted highway by a giant alien with his own "flying satellite" (UFO). Yes, the whole town is talking about nutty Mrs. Archer, especially Mr. Archer; all that he and Honey can talk about is shoving her right back into the nuthouse so they can have all that money for themselves. But Nancy isn't ready for the asylum, not just yet anyway. First she makes her husband drive them all over the desert trying to find her alien admirer. After a full day of driving and nearly at the point of giving up Nancy finally does stumble across her strange visitor again. It seems that Nancy's boyfriend from outer space needs that extra large diamond of hers to power his ship (which coincidently happens to look like a light bulb with silver spray paint on it). Nancy is not worried about her diamond though, she is ecstatic because now there is proof that she's not crazy! Harry on the other hand has the more typical reaction when facing a giant monstrous alien from another world, he starts shooting at it and when that doesn't work he takes off running leaving his wife in the monster's clutches. Back in town Harry gets Honey packing and they get ready to get out of town, but fast. But not fast enough before the local sheriff (George Douglas) has them brought in for questioning about the now missing Mrs. Archer. Back at the Archer estate Nancy is found unconscious (with strange radioactive marks on her neck) on top of the pool house! Sedated and kept under the watchful eye of her personal physician Nancy begins growing, but when she occasionally does regain consciousness there is only one thought in her ever enlarging cranium, she wants her Harry! Meanwhile, good old Harry does what any dutiful husband would do when their wife is at home, unconscious and growing to the size of King Kong, he makes plans to kill her in her sleep! But before he can do the deed his plans are ruined and he slithers back to town (and Honey). It would seem that you need a lot of sedatives to keep a 50-foot woman down so it is not long before Mrs. Archer is back on her feet again and looking for that cheating husband of hers. She tears her way out of the house (now only wearing a bikini-like outfit made out of bed sheets) heading for town and looking for Harry and his hussy girlfriend who are at the local bar having a grand old time. She's tired of his cheating ways and wants him all to herself, and now that she is 10 times his size, maybe, just maybe he'll pay attention to what she wants.
There have been volumes written about this classically bad movie so there isn't much more that I can add. I'll just say that if you enjoy bad films, laughably bad films you are going to like this one for sure. Allison Hayes as Nancy Archer is the very best part of this film. Watching her chew up the scenery makes for a very enjoyable 66 minutes of your time. To be honest it's really hard to tell if she was a bad actress or just got stuck in a really awful film. Since even the greatest actress in the world would look rather talentless in this production you can't really hold it against her. From her other work that I have seen I believe that she did indeed have some acting talent and obviously she was a beautiful woman with definite screen presence. It's a shame that Hollywood didn't give her a real chance to show her talents, unfortunately most of her other films are of a similar quality to this production. All of the other actors seem to fit their parts well, especially William Hudson as her slimy, cheating hubby and Yvette Vickers who seems perfectly cast as Harry's conniving, bohemian mistress. Director Nathan Juran seemed to be a hit or miss kind of guy, directing several very good films as well as some really bad ones. It's hard to believe that he directed the wonderful fantasy adventure The 7th Voyage of Sinbad the very same year that he made this. Attack of the 50ft woman - one of the worst (and funniest) of all times!
Il boia scarlatto (1965)
"They desecrate it, your world of beauty... with their sordidness. The day of the Crimson Executioner has now come!" Uh....Yeah....
If your like me you've often wondered what would happen if a retired Hollywood actor living in seclusion in an old European castle (complete with his own army of henchmen), suddenly became possessed by the evil spirit of a 17th century wacko that was put to death because he enjoyed torturing people just a little too much. Well wonder no more, because director Max Hunter (Massimo Pupillo) has already answered that question in the completely unbelievable and yet highly entertaining Bloody Pit of Horror.
As the film's title probably suggest to you this movie is all about subtlety and nuance. That's completely true! True, if your idea of "subtlety" is a beautiful girl chained down while some maniac pours scalding oil on her, all the while she is screaming her head off and begging for mercy. Now I don't want you to think that I am ruining the story for you because first of all there really isn't much of a story, and second, this maniac has a whole dungeon full of medieval torture devices (including a giant spider web trap?) and believe me he gets to use everyone of them on someone before this thing comes to a much welcome end. But there actually is a semblance of a story in this mess and here it is: a group of truly stupid people, made up of a greedy publisher Max Parks (Alfredo Rizzo), writer Rick (Walter Brandi) and a bunch of models and photographer are scouting locations because they need some new photos for the covers of their trash horror novels. Finally they come across the "perfect" spooky old castle for their needs. After not being able to get anyone to answer the door our not so clever group breaks into the castle so they can take their precious photos, there they are discovered by the castle's owner, Travis Anderson (played by Mickey Hargitay). Anderson is a reclusive ex-actor that has fled Hollywood to be alone. At first he demands that the group leave immediately but after seeing his beautiful ex-girlfriend Edith (Luisa Baratto), he agrees to let them stay over night. As the group explores the castle one of them accidentally breaks open the seal of the final resting place of "The Crimson Executioner", a notorious torturer and killer that was condemned and put to death hundreds of years ago. Anderson now slowly becomes the Crimson Executioner, and he must punish all sinners! One by one, the group slowly starts disappearing, only to become the victims of this madman. As the group slowly dwindles at the hands of this maniac, Rick (the only guy left) must try and save the girls from the possessed/insane Anderson. The Crimson Executioner has special plans for these wicked women (especially for Edith) and will make them pay for their sins in his special torture dungeon (which remains remarkably well preserved and in good working order after over 200 years of neglect). Finally, the few remaining survivors of their group are able to bring this horror to an end and escape the Executioner's wrath. So in a way, we do have a kind of happy ending after all, never mind the fact that nearly the entire group has been agonizingly murdered and that the few remaining survivors will have horrific recurring nightmares about this maniac that they'll have to endure for the rest of their lives, a happy ending is a happy ending.
Everything about this movie is unbelievably bad, the story, the acting, everything! The complete and unrestrained badness of this movie is what makes it an enjoyable viewing experience. I would actually have given the film a higher rating except that the film's torture scenes can actually be a little disturbing (unless you're a sicko yourself) and do somewhat hinder the unintentional humor factor of this movie. The tops in badness in this film would have to be Hargitay himself, he just chews up the scenery as "The Crimson Executioner". Of course he's not working alone here, so we can't put the blame all on him, but he does have most of the great lines and he plays them all way over the top (which would be the only way anyone could play this part). But lets not put all the blame on the bad acting, we can't forget the silly story itself, no actor could follow along with this plot or read the stupid lines contained within and not come off looking completely talentless. Yes, there is plenty of blame to go around, actors, director and writers all contribute to the unintentional comedy of this minor sixties "B" classic. But looking on the bright side, they never did make a sequel...
Mortuary (1982)
Bill Paxton in his finest hour! and Mary McDonough (The Waltons) too!
Can roller-disco eventually lead to insanity and murder? The undeniable answer is yes! In director Howard Avedis' Mortuary, we get to see not only the horror of that short-lived craze but also a séance, cool custom vans, great early 80's hair styles and clothes, and of course let's not forget that wacko in a black hood and clown make-up running around killing people with an embalming tool, he is the real star of this sideshow.
Poor Christie (Mary McDonough), first her father was murdered when someone whacked him on the head with a baseball bat, sending him tumbling into the family swimming pool. If that wasn't bad enough, no one, not even her own mother (Lynda Day George) believes her when she begins telling people that her father didn't die in an accident. If all that weren't more than enough for our little heroine now she knows that someone (maybe the same someone that killed her father?) is following her, some mysterious nutcase in a black car and a black hooded cape has been following her all over town. And if her plate wasn't full already with all of those problems, since her father's death Christie has also developed a problem sleepwalking. She is apt to get up anytime in the night and wander around, jump in the pool, put her hand through a window or do any number of crazy things to help convince her mother that perhaps she really is crazy after all. But looking on the bright side, it does give her an opportunity to romp around all night wearing nothing but a revealing nightie and a glazed look. Despite everything poor little Christie sticks to her guns though, her father was murdered and she is not crazy! Fortunately she has a big handsome blonde boyfriend to help her out. Greg (David Wallace) has his own problems, his best friend Josh (Denis Mandel) is missing after they broke into the warehouse of the local mortuary owner, Mr. Andrews (Christopher George) and no one has seen Josh in days. Before Josh got himself run through like a shish kabob he and Greg saw some strange happenings at the warehouse. Mr. Andrews and several women (including Christie's mom) were seen there performing some type of strange ritual. Together Christie and Greg decide to investigate the case, and with these two on it we know we'll get results. I think I forgot to mention that Mr. Andrews has a son, Paul Andrews (Bill Paxton). We know very little about Paul, we know that he loves Mozart. We know that he works at his dad's mortuary. We know that as a child his dad locked him up with dead people. But most of all we know that Paul has a big crush on our little Christie. Paul wanders through the film on occasion, giving little clues to who he might actually be. He does everything but wear a big sign around his neck, "Hi, I am a crazy killer who stabs people with a embalming tool", but even without such an obvious clue our two detectives finally solve the case and have a kind of happy ending after all (unfortunately not before several more people get punctured).