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Reviews
The Bastard Executioner (2015)
disappointing, over hyped and awful
Whether you're going to quickly point the finger going oh.. this is a game of thrones rip off or a sons of anarchy fan which 9/10 of the people reading this probably are and desperate to see Jax ride another Harley this show isn't please either.
Blood and sex can be done in a proportion and be tasteful. But the most important goal is to achieve a story early in the pilot. Within 10-ish minutes for example the gun warehouse in sons of anarchy blew up and we were looking for a gang fight. Their problem is that they are trying to cram as much story in the first few minutes as possible and it's irritating. It can be the best landscapes in the world. They could have jumped into a time machine to be as historically accurate as possible but if we cannot envision ourselves as the characters why are we watching it and what makes the show special. I watched this for 20 minutes and kept saying what is the point for our hero I already forgot his name to do what he wants to do. Taxing people is about as thrilling as car commercials. They could have done the breaking bad idea where all this stuff happens and let's see how this happened. In the end they could have made this work. This is just an ego trip from a man who was so sick and tired of writing about motorcycles and anything to do with sons of anarchy he had to make this. This won't get a good 95% of the fans and to be honest if he didn't make a hit series where he has fans all over the world not even half the people would have given this the time of day. I was skeptical but it's as if a favorite musician is guest appearing on a record outside their comfort zone you'd think they wouldn't slap their name or work with inferior people but this was just disappointing. I probably spent more time and brain cells writing this "Review" than watching that atrocity. There is plenty of good shows in that time zone and I'm not one dimensional where there has to be fights, tits and Harleys every 2 seconds but a very poor pilot episode where you're suckered into watching two episodes isn't going to work for me to get into that and what a terrible theme song choice it doesn't have to be amon amarth or something but it's like they picked it out of a hat. You got this borderline pop music to play for this hardcore knight age show sure it is the fad to have castle and knights right now like 5 years ago give or take it was glittery vampires. This seriously reminds me of The angry video game nerds movie. I hope this gets canceled and FX can just put more money towards another season of Archer or something else. The only thing nice I have to say is the 3d effect on the dragon tattoo looking thing and the animation of the opening besides that I almost fell asleep watching that train wreck.
Entourage (2015)
what a terrible script / story
I haven't done a review in a while so there is lots of spoilers I'm sure it's not like this is a real movie though so it's cool.
It's the same story we could all see on TV with little to no difference. Almost all the stuff happens/happened throughout the series happens then goes away like a sexually transmitted disease you get on the LA strip. The scenery and locations shot at can look amazing. They shot it to where Vincent makes a movie and directs it ...whispers loudly ...wow.. such thought went into this. Mark and the rest of the guys must have worked years on this. This has really turned out like either Eastbound and Down or Trailer Park Boys where they should have just let the series die. The way the series ended left us with our imaginations to see what would happen to us. Would Ari do this, would Vincent be this expert at love after somehow banging half of Hollywood? It was for the fans to decide. But just like Kevin Dillon (Johnny) acting teacher(s) would later find out this movie is a lost cause as is Kevin's acting which we'll tear apart after. The only person who stayed the way they were was Turtle....TURTLE. There is about as many A list celebrities in this movie as laughs (not many). Some familiar and or washed up faces but the thing is they say so little or are in the shots for only seconds so you got to watch this atrocity two or three times to go tee hee look guys there's mike Tyson. It can be part of the charm of the show like metalocalypse but still it got a little annoying. For a movie that Vincent was directing they didn't show him working on the movie once. Just it was great and his buddies agreed
Johnny cannot act to save his life. There is a reason why we all probably had to google him. Liam Neeson out did him in regards to acting with his brief appearance in it. The fat rich kid who I couldn't take seriously... I mean this kid was in the sixth sense, how is he doing such a terrible role now! I'd just spend my millions and get a hobby or something instead of that dumb of a role. I'm sure that situation has been a FEW times but how cliché it is I can't believe it got past the drawing board.. ohh boo hoo I wanted some girl. At least washed up sixth sense kid was totally right about how awful Johnny's acting is, he was one of the few people who said straight up how bad he was. The only person who can act worst than him is Andrew Dice Clay but then again Andrew is a washed up stand up comedian so it's fine. His obnoxiously strong new yorker accent and underdog persona that some people may find charming or inspiring for the washed up actors or kids trying to "make it" in the industry as that's the easiest way they can fathom to stay home and play xbox and drink cold ones with their high school buddies instead of going to college. but seriously if it wasn't for that show Johnny would be lucky to be an extra in an independent movie, what's that a lazy eyed bald janitor with no eyebrows! he's in! In fact there is one Johnny who can act twice as good as him; that Johnny is Tommy Wiseau in the room. The only scene that I liked was when Johnny (the one in entourage) was on that mr. skin website from that viral video but besides that he contributed about as much to the movie as Mark Wahlberg did to the movie with his acting in it in that probably one scene or the guy with the tattoo on his back billy or whatever. I guess Mark thinks he's Alfred Hitchcock now being in his own shows yet before the show was popular he wouldn't be caught dead in it. Ronda Rousey being given as many lines as she was, was astonishing. She's just a bad ass fighter, she isn't hot unless you're into bondage or something. Her manly facial features and all the testosterone pumping through her veins she could sprout a penis at any second but I guess she's the first remotely pretty fighter in the MMA world. There is a reason Adrian Grenier isn't on top in Hollywood legitimately he can only act to a certain extent but even after a hit series and a cash in straight to DVD movie in a few months of being in the theaters I can't take him seriously. There is a reason he isn't on the silver screen with Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp or anyone. I mean if James Spader (Blacklist as Reddington) can be in the Avengers and then fly across the world and do blacklist for a second season why can't this guy and seriously have we seen Adrian in anything else with serious box office numbers.. no.
there is PLENTY more for me to say mean about this "movie" but I only have a 1000 character limit.
Swearnet (2014)
watch this movie backwards
If you watch this movie backwards it's the way the careers of our three "heroes" really is. The longer john, mike and rob make stuff the worst it gets and not in a good way like say the room by Tommy Wiseau is bad but in an entertaining way. I was a fan of the trailer park boys so I get their humor and all, it's the only reason I gave this "movie" a shot. Based on my review you can tell it was out of boredom too as this movie came out like last year or so.
I'm OK with actors trying other things, they don't have to stick being Ricky, Bubbles and Julian for me to flap my arms like a seal and make noises. The cursing in this movie didn't bother me but everything went down hill since the 6th or 7th season. For example where is Lucy's baby from when Randy got her pregnant which that scene caused me to give up this show for years. When this show was funny they weren't trying to be. when "drunk and on drugs happy fun time hour" came out it was a dead giveaway that these guys lost it. Maybe it was Mike Clattenburg keeping the show funny but now since these three guys are running it, it's really gone down hill like their egos think anything they release will be gold and they need to be back down to earth and stop asking their drinking buddies what they think. The time they spent away from the trailer park concept though which was easily 6 years they could have paid writers to help them out how cheap are these 3 guys. I know they bought the rights to their stupidity and that wasn't cheap but still..
if you think about it John , Robb and Mike (Smith) paid Mike Clattenburg to stay employed buying the rights to their crap. They didn't create it, maybe they helped write it a bit but if it wasn't for them they would not be where they are. I suppose they also did it to shut all their remaining fans up. If that was the case I'd hide in libraries and places where they use more than 2 sylable words. So thinking of things in that perspective If that isn't sad or depressing to look at for them I don't know what is. Again Hollywood isn't knocking on their doors or they are winning awards for a reason. Is it strange that I feel sorry for them?
OK so anyways what's wrong with this movie? even with "Swearnet" they are still using netflix to broadcast their atrocities so even without watching this movie it could be fantasy or not but it's a really stupid concept. I haven't been on their site in a good while but I can imagine not much has changed it feels like one of Ricky's dumb ideas that get him thrown in jail. In the end I didn't want to see "Randy's" penis, I had a hard enough watching him in the first few episodes of the 2015 season. No matter how much they swear in the movie won't make it any better if the story is garbage. In My final thoughts there is a reason these three guys haven't been approached by any serious Hollywood movies or television series. No matter how many crappy shows they try to make or movies where they are trying way too hard to be funny. The only bragging rights this piece of trash which is going right in my computers recycle bin after I write this is that it has the current world record for cursing. I'm going to put some music on and watch this movie backwards and laugh because I know that is how their careers are really like.
American Horror Story (2011)
at first...
At first I didn't care for the show but it grew on me. Everyone will say season 1 / 2 are the best. I didn't care for season 1 too much. I showed it to a few friends and they surprisingly all liked it. I did get into it near the end but season 2 was 10x better. Loved when the man was Santa, the special effects. The story was much better than the old as time boy meets girl story. Jessica Lange had a much better role and the ending of season 2 you go from hating someone (sister Jude) to feeling sad about her. It's great they use the same/similar actors in this series as well. and before I forget for season 2 bloody face and the opening were excellently done where you don't expect any of it.
Season 3 - the witches season was their worst. They had an amazing concept but it was as if the writers got too head strong or felt they were untouchable. Liked the voodoo aspect. Some cool 3d effects but they were running out of ideas. The supreme witch thing was annoying. Dare I say it was too girly. I know how dare I lets dislike my review! The flash backs to the simpler time and the voodoo man which IMDb won't let me spell properly were great how/why this or that happened but still I couldn't wait for the last episode to be over and move onto something else on netflix.
season 4 - again, an AMAZING concept where anything could happen to a certain degree. It really felt like the 1950s as well. The cars, the clothes everything looked good. The main story could have been better. The clown and little Indian girl were the two highlights to most. Elsa Mars back story was interesting but I felt they could have done way, way better on this season. The ending was interesting though how they tried to tie some aspects of it together with season 2 that everyone goes nuts for. I can imagine the freaks were about as wild as freaks really were back then as we're more desensitized now but I would have exaggerated it a bit to get people enticed. Something dark like maybe Elsa would kidnap people and turn them into freaks with magic or something would have been interesting. But they aren't canceled yet so I can't wait to see the idea of season 5 even though Jessica is done. Her German accent was poor it sounded more french and what the "heck" was the bearded ladies accent. Irish? Scottish?
Metallica Through the Never (2013)
why was this made
This isn't a movie. It's a live concert marketed in a quick money grubbing way to screw what is left of their fans who are mostly 14 year old kids taking their allowance money the first few years they are into metallic as guitar hero is obsolete. Everything hateful said about this movie is true and more. After lulu, some kind of monster and so forth I'd be ashamed to say I'm a metallic fan. When we are that age and getting into metal they are great but it's like looking back at cartoons we thought were bad ass when we were kids and now laugh at.
real bands have made films and they were successful. The wall, anvils documentary, even spinal tap or mark W... (guy in Ted who smokes pot with the bear) movie rock star which is loosely based on Tim ripper owners joining Judas priest. I mean they could have done a story about how they got famous instead of a crappy MTV/VH1 documentary where Scott Ian of anthrax praises you and a bunch of nobodies/rehashed interviews spliced together. But NOPE lets put a live show on and put some useless dialog in that makes no sense. It could have been a never give up and follow your dreams or be yourself sort of story with some loss like cliff which every idiot will mention and focus on their glory days. But nope, lets put a live show in with recent I can't sing any more , i can't drum, i can't solo and who the heck is on bass abilities from the most over rated band in the world that you are ashamed to say that you were a fan of to people if you are over 20-30.
so if I was to shoot a movie about metallic. Focus on how they met, hire some actors, write a script.. you know.. a REAL movie. Get some kids who look like early Dave Mustaine , James, Kirk , Lars and Cliff and talk about Dave's departure. Cliffs death and how they persevered (god a metallic fan using 3 syllable word) and finish with Metallica today and some voice over work or whatever. They set the bar Olympic high with some kind of monster so they could have made anything better without trying but NOPE. Please fire kirk, buy James a shopping cart full of booze, get a drum machine and make them all have a tearful apology for releasing load if people go past the credits that will shut the fans up who hate it and st. anger which aren't mentioned in that atrocity.
If "metallic" wanted to rob us of our hard earned money bad enough they should have wore ski masks and robbed us instead of spending a multimillion dollar budget.
I hate IMDb spell check for not letting me put the bands name so when you see metallic it is that over rated band only kids listen to
Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
I'd gve it a 0 / 10 .. but..
Congratulations people who got out of the house and paid people money for this. This is a watered down kiddie rip off of James Bond movies you could get in the bargain bin of a walmart.
The visual effects were good, the gadgets and to some degree the scenes like escaping out of the water to test the "agents" or driving backwards flipping the cops off was the only interesting parts. This movie tries to be edgy. Any other training place I can imagine if he didn't shoot the puppy he would have been kicked out. During World War 2 in 1933 to get your stripes you had to break a German sheppard dogs neck in front of your superior officer. Not all nazi solders had to do this but it raises a good point. This movie at first has the atmosphere or feeling of the first harry potter movie or a crappy spy kid like movie and it fails miserably at being edgy like the boy and the princess near the end but it doesn't save this movie much. The visuals and a few scenes save this from a 1 star. I think the best actor was Samuel L. Jackson as only him and knife foot girl were the only two I'll remember years from now as you can't get any more unoriginal than our hero and the guy who gets shot in the face by Samuel L. Jackson. God I suck with names.
I Saw this on the weekend and didn't know anything about it. So no WOWWW hype to get an honest opinion. The script was so predictable and unoriginal it makes you wonder if they should have paid people to write this.
ways for this movie to improve .. it's hopeless we needed cellphones and internet to be what would kill us? whats next a movie about how facebook becomes a serial killer and causes our monitor to eat us? The people who wrote this movie I'd blacklist from Hollywood production teams and hire some people who are older than 23 to write this. This shouldn't have been made. Ian Flemming (James Bond creator) would be spinning in his grave over this steaming pile of dog crap. I'm not a hardcore james bond fan boy I've seen 4 or 5 of the movies tops but forgetful kids like the buster brady (mrs browns boys) rip off that kid was, was about as likable or I got about as emotionally involved with him as I did with the abusive father in this movie, the baby acted better too.
Don't spend people money on this atrocity.
American Crime (2015)
wow a 7,7? did we watch the same pilot?
How to get away with murder (the 2014 series)recommended we check this out on their facebook page and the trailer looked pretty good so I downloaded the pilot episode and my god it was awful. The acting in Arrow on FX or the kid who does Norman Bates in Bates Motel could win Oscars and other prestigious awards compared to Timothy Hutton "Crying" in the bathroom.
Watched 15 minutes of it before I couldn't take any more. It jumped from a story about ... thank you IMDb for the names.. it jumped from character to character like the video editing was done by a high school student in their presentation or the director/editors had ADD. It went from a story about Russ finding out one of his kids is dead, jumps to another scene, some junkie white girl getting jumped in some washroom and some other crap. I am so sick of this black vs white sort of shows to promote segregation which is getting sickly. I'd rather watch The Room (2003) or Birdemic 1 or 2 again before watching this piece of garbage all the way through. Tommy Wiseau's ICONIC "I did not hit her" speech has 10x the acting ability of this piece of trash. I was looking forward to something new and exciting and watch a lot of crime shows but I don't see this show lasting more than the pilot season. All of the characters are boring and predictable where we will not get emotionally involved where we talk about them after the shows over.
Ways to improve #1 - space the stories out more #2 - re-cast some if not all of the D list actors they found at gas stations and truck stops
The Angry Video Game Nerd (2004)
at first..
At first he was funny. Original as no one else did stuff like this and it's admirable for him to get to where he is thanks to youtube. But but now that he has begged what is left of his fans to kick start (donate money) to support his wet dream of making a crappy Hollywood movie independently he's lost anything I enjoyed about his videos in the past as when I started watching him top gun or something along those lines JUST came out so this is almost 10 years ago. I know it's extremely tedious to make a 2 hour movie but hire writers or submit what you're proud of. Quality over quantity. He's nothing but a pretentious parasite.
To be fair after 100+ videos whatever he's up to he's practically running on fumes for bad games. It's to the point he has to talk about spooky books and all his horror movie garbage to get some youtube money in his wallet to stay from starving and moving back in with his parents.
He's very talented at video editing like the NES accessories video was a personal favorite but the anger is put on and not legitimate. It's the same old choice of words "i mean i mean i mean"... conjugation of "crud" as I can't swear on here. Look at the background of this stage it looks like "crud".. heh .. the bricks in Mario look like crud too. COME ON WHY CANT THIS GAME BE LIKE SUPER MARIO 3!! and then he drinks water out of a beer bottle when he pretends to be angry. At least he's insightful not like iRate gamer and beat a few difficult games. Where as... you've got rooster teeth gamer Michael who legitimately gets angry and frustrated what he says is funnier and I'm sure there are other youtubers playing games but who has the time. The surgeon simulator one I actually burst out laughing watching the steam version.
the only way for AVGN to stay relevant is if he FINALLY invest in some more N64 games and of course venture into the strong hold of sony PS1, PS2 and regular Xbox to Gamecube games so it's still somewhat nostalgic and he can make money. But if he doesn't I'm staying unsubscribed. The only reason I came across this looking for new shows to watch and he doesn't even deserve a 6 / 10. Re-runs of the simpsons are more entertaining.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
same old junk
visually this movie was amazing. The little raccoon guy and groot looked very real and i laughed a few times. It was interesting for the movie score they used of all these 1970s-ish funk tunes when the guy put his Walkman on.
BUT............We get a "Star" studded cast of C and D list actors/actresses oh and Vin diesel we're in for a treat he should go back to racing cars in the fast and the furious franchise. Sure Tom Cruise or someone every drooling idiot knows has to be in a movie to be good. BUT It's too long the story is the same old crap year after year as if we're renting our movie tickets. Seriously why not be the bad guy and destroy a galaxy or two and watch him slaughter a bunch of people and focus on that.
I wouldn't give this movie past a 4 star. It doesn't deserve the current 8.9 though. 5 is watchable and if it wasn't for who I went with I would have walked out. I barely watch TV so this is an honest without any brainwashing hype review.
Metalocalypse: The Doomstar Requiem - A Klok Opera (2013)
0 / 10
I'm a HUGE Metalocalypse fan, don't care for their records at all. I honestly think it's one of the best shows that's been on TV in a very long time but this was a huge disappointment. Every breath they take is singing which I didn't like. This should have been an idea that didn't make it past the board room , something laughed at and never taken seriously. If I was to describe the experience to really get my idea across it's like when Metallica did kill'em all to and the self titled "black album" than load. It felt as if Brandon small wasn't involved with this at all and let some other people who should be nowhere near that project ruin it.
Loved the visuals , the background music and atmosphere but everything else was disappointing. Season 4 was disappointing in my opinion too , I liked the 30 minute episodes of season 3 and found it hysterical especially the Christmas special but this feels like Brandon is letting others do everything.
How could this improve? subtitles perhaps even for a guy like me who speaks perfect English sometimes it can get so muddy for their voices that I missed jokes. Granted I could have hit rewind if I wanted to but I didn't care for this at all. If I was in charge I'd just make this into a season or a TV movie where they talk and their music in it. Guess it's true fans don't like change. We did get some information like how this spoiler or that spoiler happened but all in all I couldn't wait for it to finish.
from one Metalocalypse fan to another skip this , let your friends ruin it
Suits (2011)
meh..
saw two episodes of this and didn't care for it at all , a show like weeds , dexter , ray Donovan , boardwalk empire, prison break or the following at the end of every episode at least there was something to come back to. Characters you can relate to and cliffhangers this show it didn't do much for me. I'm not one of those people who only watch say action movies or sitcoms either I'll give everything a chance.
The episodes drag on to the point where I multi tasked and played guitar it was as boring as the first 4 episodes of Hannibal which for whatever reason people are going nuts for. Seriously save yourself the time , this show looks good on paper ...but... it isn't , I can't take the genius kid seriously this should have been some B listed movie and that's it.
just see the movie Limitless instead the one about the pills that make the guy use 100% of his brain it's a similar concept but more believable concept. If there should be anything on TV it should be a show about assassins or something , this show tried to be original but it failed miserable in my eyes. Perhaps it's the writing , who cares. If you can sit through this check out the house of lies.
The Last Exorcism (2010)
horrible movie
had a few friends over and we wanted to watch a scary movie so we watched this atrocity it was so bad one friend was like "are we going to watch a real movie next" it's slow , boring , nothing pops out and scares you. If you hated the blair witch project this is almost as bad.
don't waste your money , seriously go out and buy a Mac/apple product , cup of starbucks or some dre beat headphones instead or see some rapper play live.
**edit** well it looks like i got 10 lines to fill up , the biggest way it improve it needs to be a different film style instead of this bargain bin film style trying to cash in on that awful series paranormal activity which is the autotune of horror movies.
Banshee (2013)
an interesting concept
Saw all the episodes twice and it was so good I showed a few family members. I saw the trailer of this one night surfing the internet looking for new TV shows to watch as I was out of fresh new stuff as lets face it who watches TV these days.
The first episode or two are very slow and you may not really care for it so I really questioned whether or not I liked the show but by the time you see the fight scene in the casino you realize. How the series ended leaves it open for lots of stuff to go on.
How it could improve , we've established there's a love story there's some adult scenes considering it's the guy who made true blood I've been told but certain episodes or scenes in the show should have been obliterated before they made the final cut. There was some key ones really stretched out like when the two guys went in the school and saved Dava (however her name is spelled). The gay Asian guy was hilarious and so forth , the flash backs added a great element to the series but this show could have been better. It's probably going to gather dust in my collection of movies and shows. Maybe some better cliffhangers to really want us to see more episodes and some sort of mystery to really keep us guessing like they did in the following or Dexter.
it's not the worst show I've seen this year but clearly not the best. It could be worse like Bates motel or Hannibal!
Transporter: The Series (2012)
could have been better
stunning visuals and so forth but I could never take this show seriously. It seemed an incredible idea on paper that it would be as "badass" as say the following or whatever but by the second or third episode I saw before it made it's way to HBO it seemed kind of "babyish" compared to all the other stuff I've been watching on TV.
SEEMED like a different story every time , no cliffhangers to keep you interested, the fights where well choreographed and the occasional nudity which was far from adult movie stars so although you got that signature suit , the rules and all that it hardly holds up to the Jason Statham name especially since I can't take the guy who did Whistler in Prison Break (who does Frank Martin) seriously. Maybe someone will catch a glance of it and think it's a B-list Hollywood movie but that's about it.
better shows out around the same time I've seen so far this year.. The Following or Arrow which is new on my radar , I don't care for super hero stuff but this was good
Bates Motel (2013)
terrible
As boring and awkward as Norman Bates. He is in town for a few minutes and the hottest and most popular girls after him... sounds just like twilight in a sense as a girl like that wouldn't give him the time of day. In the first 7 episodes the show struggles to keep going with a direction as if the script writers are all arguing about stuff to write about how the series will go.
so OK this hotel has a dark side and so does this kid which takes forever to establish this which they should have earlier in the episodes so more people would watch this atrocity. 17 year olds going on a quest to find those Asian girls I find extremely far-fetched especially when one has C.F. and all the stuff about the hotel like how they murder the guy , the evidence gets tampered and everything in episode 6 which is some of the stuff that will happen and we're left with hardly any reason to watch this second rate show. They make the show seem so action packed in the advertisements before the credits to see more of it but seriously by the 7th episode other than a gun fight and a stabbing or running some junkie over this show is as boring and the cast is all boring 2 dimensional characters you cannot picture yourself being from the 21 year old brother to whatever character comes to mind. A great example of how bad the characters are is a show made in 1999 by MTV called downtown.
I will not be finishing this show. The only thing good on A&E is intervention , my strange addiction or something along those lines this show fails miserably. If you watch this be intoxicated it drags on and on this shows concept with a crazy son could have went in a million better directions but all we get is this weird kid who is smothered by his mother.
Hannibal (2013)
am I watching the same show as you guys
Nothing keeps you watching this show episode to episode and it just drags on, no huge cliff hangers and it just feels like another watered down second rate cop show. Maybe fans of the book will appreciate it more but a couple of big words and long speeches about psychology from dr. Lecter and a little bit of cooking like he does doesn't mean sophisticated or classy for me.
I was expecting some deranged psychopath or something along those lines eating people. Kind of like Dexter x10. The special effects really wow you in the 5 episodes I've seen when it comes to the murders and it's cool seeing Will go into the killers shoes. The first episode had some promise but this is a show I'm not the least bit excited for to finish. The guy they got to play Will I would have got someone else I cannot take him seriously either. I see such a high rating on this show and I'm really scratching my head why. The Following was 100x better than this. The only thing going for this show is you can turn on pretty much any episode like say the simpsons gets the point across easily or some sitcom and you can watch really any episode without having to catch up.
great visual effects , great scenery in some of the episodes , acting is good except for Will I guess I just hate his actor and the story I don't care for at all. Just watch Dexter , The Following , The Mentalist or anything along those lines.