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Reviews
Dressed to Kill (1980)
Message: Don't be a middle-aged woman looking for sex
If one thing is certain, Angie Dickinson didn't even have the acting chops to do bad porn. The opening shower scene was so awkward, voice overs, obvious body double and all, that it ended up being laughable. Brian De Palma is also to blame for that.
But now that Ms. Dickinson's boobs and vagina have got your attention, there's some tedious cat and mousing through an art museum which culminates in our sexually frustrated, unhappily married old gal getting some from a handsome stranger in the back of a yellow cab and then in his nicely appointed penthouse apartment. Afterglow doesn't fully set in until she finds his membership card to an exclusive club while rummaging around for some paper to write him a little goodbye note of appreciation. Aawwww! :-)
But, of course, a woman going after good sex and getting it has to pay the price. 1) She also finds a doctor's record showing that loverboy has contracted a venereal disease. 2) In her haste to leave her diseased lover's abode (I assume with the intention of running home and showering in bleach) she remembers that she left her wedding ring in his apartment. 3) On the return trip in the elevator, she is joined by a mother and little daughter. The daughter keeps staring at her because ...even small children know a freshly diseased whore when they see one? 4) She never makes it out of the elevator because she is then stabbed to death in the elevator by a tall blonde woman.
Bear in mind that her dead body is to be found sans underpants (they were forgotten in the cab), no wedding ring, covered in blood and containing traces of diseased semen not belonging to her husband. If all this doesn't send every unfulfilled wife running back to the apathetic arms of their betrothed, I don't know what will.
The rest of the movie is some half-baked nonsense about schizophrenic transexuality which is as equally grounded in maintaining the patriarchal status quo as this movie's take on women passed a certain age being sexual beings.
There is also a splash of racism as a group of young (jive talking', of course) black men chase one of the main characters (a young, white prostitute) through a subway train with the intention of raping and beating her... just because.
3 stars for at least being stylish.
Man v. Food (2008)
Great Host - Bad Show
I'm a Food Network junkie, so I'll try any food-related show once. So, when I saw the Travel Channels Man v. Food promos, I was dubious but knew I had to give it it's day in court.
First of all, I was prepared to hate the show and it's pudgy host. There's something so sadly pathetic about trying to present an over-weight man who gorges himself at food eating challenges as macho.
However, I like the host. Adam Richman is a very personable, charming individual. Which makes me dislike the show even more because it's all about this guy slowly killing himself by gorging on pounds and pounds of the most craptastic food America has to offer. Frankly, I think he's better than this and I hope his agent can swing a better deal for him fairly soon.
As for the type of food culture this show glorifies, is this really what the 2nd fattest country (Go Mexico!) in the world needs to be watching? Worse yet, MvF is shown in other countries. Yet another reason for the world to poke us in our flabby sides and laugh at us. Judging by this show, gone are the days when Americans used to have pride in themselves and a bit of self-discipline.
Man v. Food, much like Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives and that Paula Dean "cooking" show, is just food porn. How many different ways can meat, cheese, fries and bread be prepared? And why do people care after the first 2 episodes?
Hiccups (2010)
Corner Gas is OVER - Move On Already, People
Yes, I was a Corner Gas fan, too and yes I was not ready for Hiccups. I needed time to heal and blah, blah, blah.
But, come on, this is a really good show. The over-the-top main character, Millie Upton, is a joy to watch and Nancy Robertson delivers in every episode. Since the genre of man-child movies and sitcoms (commercials, etc.) has forever been (obviously) a No Girls Allowed Club, it's great to see a woman take on a "chronic child" character and nail it.
The supporting characters that orbit around Millie's planet are well-developed and likable. Yes, the stories are sometimes far-fetched and unbelievable but so were the story lines on Curb Your Enthusiasm (yet another man-child show) and it didn't stop that show from being a huge hit.
The writing and comedy style still has notes of the wry, understated nature that was common on Corner Gas. But even though this is not Corner Gas, it's still a good watch.
I'm hoping for a Season 3!
Fetishes (1996)
Nick Broomfield was the wrong man for this job
I'm a huge fan of documentaries... when they're done right. How a documentary about dominatrices and fetishes could be somewhat boring takes a certain level of incompetence. But in spite of itself, this film did have its informative moments.
About 4 or 5 dominatrices from the same 'house' in Manhattan are featured. They are, supposedly, the best and most expensive in their field. I found them awkward and completely unintimidating. Scenes of them 'at work' looked like embarrassingly bad dinner theater or a high school play where the kids didn't learn their lines properly and are doing some very cringe-worthy ad libbing. None of them had a very commanding presence. They all looked like weak, underfed women to me. But the 'clients' seemed completely engaged and taken in with the scenarios or fantasies. I was amazed.
The real reason I was interested in this film was to know why anyone would pay for these services. And to Mr. Bloomfield's credit, he does have a good amount of client interviews that shed some light on that subject. I found the clients were far more varied and interesting than the rather predictable and clichéd 'mistresses'.
Mr. Broomfield maintained his distance at all times, even when he was offered a free 'session' to further his knowledge of the experience. I think he should have taken it and evolved from a vaguely judgmental voyeur to (possibly) a better film maker.
All in all, if you're into documentaries, there are loads of them much better than this. If you're curious about the world of fetishes, doms & subs, etc. give it a try but keep your expectations low. If you just want to see naked people getting spanked, there is a bit of that but, strange as it may seem, this isn't a terribly sexy documentary. In fact, most of it looks very unpleasant and anti-sexy.
Deadgirl (2008)
A Rape Movie w/ Very Little Zombie Thrown In
I think a zombie movie should have more than one zombie in it. That's the whole crux of zombie movies - so many of them, so few of us, whatever shall we do? Deadgirl has one zombie, a young woman tied to a gurney who occasionally does zombie-like things (like obliterating a ferocious dog with only her bare teeth), but mostly she just passively lies there and gets raped (alot), sodomized, beaten, etc.
But that's okay because we have this in-depth study of the teenage boy psyche to compensate for the total lack of zombie-ness. And here it is in a nutshell; whether he's a jock, a rebel, a nerd, a loser, or a stoner - the teenage boy is perfectly fine with sticking his penis in a zombie he's found tied up in a basement. It doesn't matter that she smells from festering bullet wounds, or that his friends have already dumped multiple loads in her and there's not a shower or garden hose to be found, or that... she's a zombie.
Additionally, teenage boys have no moral compass. Teenage boys have minimal problem solving skills. Teenage boys lack the ability to articulate any thoughts more complex than "F_ck you, homo!" or whatever. Essentially, teenage boys have only slightly more brain activity than the zombies they're raping.
Now, back to how much this movie sucks as a zombie movie. JT, the lead rapist, proves how deadgirl can't die by beating her, shooting her, etc. Near the end of the movie, however, he casually thrusts a machete into her skull. That should have killed her, but it doesn't.
There's a clip showing how one of deadgirl's bullet wounds is oozing pus. She would have to be alive to generate pus.
JT gets scratched by deadgirl, two jocks get bitten by deadgirl and none of them turn into zombies. A girl gets bitten and she does become a zombie. Why? So, the circle of deadgirl rape can continue, of course.
The only high point of this movie was when a would be victim of two of the rapists soundly beats the crap out of them in a gas station parking lot.
BOTTOM LINE: Basically, this movie is a misogynistic rape fantasy fest for emotionally stunted teenage boys and men.
The Banger Sisters (2002)
A Waste of an All-Star Cast
Two stars for Geoffrey Rush (as Harry Plumber) and a star for Eva Martino (as Ginger). Otherwise, what pointless waste of time this movie was.
Let's start with Goldie Hahn as Suzette. For a woman who has been living hard for over 20 years, she looks unbelievably good. No woman who has been chain smoking, heavily drinking, and partying into her late forties is going to retain the obvious sex appeal that Goldie Hahn has.
Yet somehow, not only has Suzette's lifestyle not put a line on her face, it has also imbued her with all manner of wisdom and authenticity. So, no - Suzette is not a sad excuse for an adult with barely the resources to keep mind and body together - she's enlightened. I'm sure this will be a huge comfort to all the broke, middle-aged, chain-smoking, alcoholic women out there.
Susan Sarandon's character, Vinni, is the stereotypical repressed, uptight, suburban housewife. Her family doesn't know the "real her" until throws a chicken breast at her husband during a family dinner, very briefly shares some common knowledge about Jim Morrison with her daughters, borrows some of Suzette's garish clothes, gives herself a bad haircut, goes to a club with Suzette to dance, and is caught by her husband and older daughter looking at Polaroids of penises from her glory days.
Now, that we've plumbed the shallow depths of Vinni, we can sit through a painfully corny graduation speech given by her over-achieving older daughter. She actually says "live true" about three times as if hearing it once wasn't enough for the audience's popcorn to come back up.
One glimmer of entertainment came from Geoffrey Rush's character, Harry Plummer, as a miserable, uptight, sexually repressed, OCD man who returns to Phoenix, AZ as a failed writer. He deserved more film time.
The other glimmer was from Eva Martino as Ginger - Vinni's spoiled, underachieving, screw-up of a daughter.
BOTTOM LINE: If you're into 'chick flicks' that have virtually nothing to do with how actual women relate to each other OR if you're into how much better it is to be a "free spirit" (aka broke with no prospects) OR if you're option is a kick in the head or watching this movie ... then go ahead and watch it.
A Fine Romance (1981)
The Difficulties of Being a Chubby Brit Bird
First off, I have to say that I'm a Judi Dench fan...and an American. Four stars for Judi's acting.
The pilot episode sends a very clear message that Judi Dench's character, Laura, is an over-weight, middle-aged, over-bearing lump who can't cook and who should, therefore, take whatever man she can get. How enlightened.
What I actually saw was an attractive, pleasantly plump adult woman who was able to support herself through her ability to translate in several languages, lived in a clean and nicely appointed apartment, got things done and done right, and had a mind and a will of her own. So, an intelligent, independent, strong-willed women with a less than perfect figure = loser. Good to know.
Season One has Laura buying Mike a new sweater, offering to lend him money for his failed business, cleaning and decorating his office with help of her (younger, thinner, unemployed, happily married) sister, kicking him in the pants to go to the bank and ask for a loan, bringing him a cake for his office tea time, etc. Season 2 first episode, she has to beg him to let her work in his office for free, while she's ironing his shirts. In the span of a day, she pulls her connections to get him considerably more paid work, wheels and deals to get him new office furniture for free, and single-handedly gets his office paperwork and typing done. Wow. If only she weren't so fat.
Now, lets talk about the drip she has settled for. Mike - an inarticulate, indecisive, professionally incompetent, unromantic, socially awkward, mealy-mouthed landscaper without a dime to his name whose home consists of a cot in the corner of his run-down, shabby shed of an office. He has to go to Laura's apartment to take showers. Great.
Season two episode one has Laura doing anything that she can to try and turn her lump of coal into a diamond and her lump of coal is fighting all they way. By the end of the the first season, I was over this show. We see Laura out in the rain trying to pull a dolly full of Mike's sod for Mike's paid landscaping job (that she got him) over cobblestones while he does nothing to assist her and sadistically smiles at her discomfort. Presumably, that's what she gets for trying to help him with his business.
I had to watch an episode of As Time Goes By to counter the effects of this craptastic show. It was such a relief to see that Judi ends up with Lionel Hardcastle after all. :-)
The Walking Dead (2010)
WAY Too Much Jesus & Childcare
I love zombie movies so I was really looking forward to this. The pilot episode was promising, if not a bit slow and soap operaesque. I stuck with it through the first season and looked forward to the second season - very disappointing. Zombie killing and creative resourcefulness gave way to talking to Jesus and caring for the kiddies.
As for the unimaginative characters... The (white) menfolk are the leaders. The womenfolk (with the exception of two) worry a lot and try to maintain domestic bliss. The Korean guy is the 'smart' one. There is a rotation of undeveloped 'big, black, guy' characters who don't say much. One 'wise, old guy' was killed off to make room for a new 'wise, old guy'. And there are a couple of good-ole-boy, redneck characters.
Michonne is the most interesting character on the show - a modern day zombie killing samurai with dreadlocks. Sadly, there's too much time devoted to everyone expressing their feelings and not enough time devoted to her hacking her way through a mess of walkers.
Daryl Dixon had the potential to be an interesting character but now he's just a redneck with a golden heart who goes all gooey around babies.
The weapons of choice are still primarily guns. I don't know where all the bullets are coming from. People are still driving cars and for a time burning dead walkers. Where is the gas coming from? At no point does anyone try to devise an efficient zombie trapping / killing apparatus or improve upon their squalor. They're all far to preoccupied worrying about their feelings and changing diapers.
American Crude (2008)
If you don't think about it too much, it's not bad...
I don't know what right-wing conservative is posting all these reviews but this movie is far tamer than some of the reviews would have you believe.
Yes, there is violence; mostly in the form of people shooting each other. But even these scenes aren't terribly graphic and often alluded to. One scene, a person fires a gun - the next scene, another person is dead with a small red splatter so we all know where they've been shot. Done.
There is very little actual sex in the movie. Again, it is mostly alluded to and it's consensual sex (or sexual contact) between adults. Although one of the threads of the movie involves one character attempting to sell a 17 year old girl to a child pornographer, there is no child nudity or sex scenes involving children and no scenes of violence against children.
Another thread involves a Cuban woman who seeks revenge against the men to gang raped her as a child and left her for dead in a dumpster. She does not go into the event in any graphic detail and the flash back scene is very brief and involves the camera pointing up to two fully dressed men looking down (presumably at the Cuban woman as a then child). This is as disturbing as the movie gets.
Ron Schneider is his usual likable, downtrodden, long-suffering self and really adds the comic balance this movie needs. Jennifer Esposito is not entirely convincing as the revenge seeking Cuban, Carlos. Michael Clarke Duncan is the loyal but mistreated boyfriend of Carlos and does a passable job. Ron Livingston is, as always, Mr. Everyman, a flawed but (aw shucks) pretty nice guy when ya get to know him. Missi Pyle (Gigi the hooker) and Shannon Mathers (17 year old girl) lack subtlety in their performances. The two blonde women are typical of the boring sort of wives you find on TV sitcoms - pretty but not really why you tune in.
The movie is sort of everywhere and no where and you don't really get to know what makes anyone tick. Many of the plot twists are pretty predictable and some things seem to be added for shock value and don't really add to the story. Homosexuality seems to be a go to for the writers to try and keep the audience engaged. The scene with Ron Livingston in a gay bar seems to go on for a while and have no real point. Some of the writing is tired and clichéd i.e. "Money talks and bullshit walks." said with far more drama than a line like that warrants. The speech made at the end of the movie by the father standing under the US flag was silly and contrived.
Ultimately, this is decent way to kill 90 minutes and you'll grow to like most of the characters and forget them shortly after the movie is over.
Diary of a Sex Addict (2001)
A Campy Romp Through Addiction
First of all, this is not deathless art nor is it a serious delving into the roots and dangers of sex addiction.
It's a campy Michael Des Barres vehicle which he carries beautifully as the charming and universally liked (and lusted after) but deeply flawed main character. For his performance - 7 stars.
The downsides of this movie were too much Nastasja Kinski and not enough Rosanna Arquette. Kinski's whispery phone sex voice starts to wear on the nerves fairly quickly as do the close ups of her meaningful looks in Des Barres direction. While the camera (or the camera-man) may love her, I would have preferred someone capable of a more nuanced performance.
Patricia Arquette, who is the only actor in this movie with any street cred, gets stuck with the role of the insipid, clueless housewife. Frankly, she's better than that and her character should have been given more depth and complexity thus giving the movie more depth and complexity.
As for the side story of the angry ticket taker, I have no idea what the point of that was. Perhaps the producer felt a stereotypical big, angry black man character was needed to spice up the movie. It wasn't.
If you're fearing / hoping for lots of graphic sex - there really isn't much. There are boobs but most of the sex scenes are more alluded to than graphic. There are a lot of voice overs of various women having all manner of explosive orgasms but that's about it. I wouldn't recommend watching this in front of, or within earshot, of the kiddies.
Bottom line, it's a fun little train wreck but won't likely leave you anymore edified on the topic of sex addiction than you were before you watched it.
Suit Up (2012)
Bland, Not Funny
The key to quality entertainment is to take some subject matter and make people who wouldn't care about it, care about it.
This show is about football. I don't care about football. 45 minutes into this, I really didn't care about football. Nor did I care about the lead character, who has the charisma of a jar of mayonnaise. Nor, did I care about his cookie cut-out stereotype of a corporate bitch love interest. She's young and hot - he's middle aged with no discernible signs of any sex appeal. So, naturally she wants him. Nor did I care about the various man-child side characters. ...Or the strippers.
Strangely enough, there are no women writers for this show. And though I can't be bothered to check, I strongly suspect all the writers are white ... and middle aged ... with no discernible signs of any sex appeal.
The irony is, this show begins by Mr. Bad-Ass Crisis Manager walking into a boardroom meeting of banking executives and saying how they should re-brand their current image of being rich, white guys who cheat people out of their money. This show then goes on to be about a bunch of rich white guys cheating me out of 45 minutes I'll never get back. (Yawn.)
Just Add Water (2008)
Starts Off Strong but...
I'm always partial to sunny California movies because I live in a rainy climate. So, a few stars just for that...
However, while this movie started off strong - a sparse, dark comedy, engaging storyline; it ended on an altogether different and implausible note. Which is a shame because it was a movie with a lot of potential, good writing, good story, good casting and good acting.
The "romance" between the two lead characters was a snooze. For the feminists out there, if you take issue with the story of Snow White and what it implies then the love story here may also irk you. The son's romantic life, while again implausible, was more interesting.
The not-so-subtle symbolism of dry, arid land vs. fertile land practically smacks you in the face.
Basically, if you have a couple of hours to kill on a rainy day, watch it. It's mostly entertaining. If you like complex situations neatly wrapped up with a bright Hollywood bow, you're in luck. If you like movies where peace is brought when gender roles are strictly adhered to, even better.