Change Your Image
Kung_Fu_VooDoo
Reviews
Tank 432 (2015)
Dear IMDb,
Please go directly to hell for doing away with the comments section. Three or four genuine discussions relating to this film would have saved me an hour and a half that I could have spent in far more productive manners, such as burning myself with a hot iron, throwing cards at a hat or perhaps lodging carrots in my eyes to improve my eyesight. But, decorum and rules dictate I review this movie, hence, I will. Something barely logical happens to people we can not relate to in a situation so contrived it borders on a Sesame Street cartoon only to be resolved by an ending so preposterous that only a cinematic sadist could enjoy it and nothing is resolved. There ya' go. Let me answer your most important question first: Rupert Evans does NOT save this film. God bless his heart, he tries, but he is unable to pull this sinking disaster from the cold abyss of stupidity. Do I blame the director? Some. Do I blame the script writer? Some. (They are the same person, go figure.) Mostly though, I blame IMDb for taking away the comment section and saving me from 90 minutes of cinematic purgatory.
Abe's Tomb (2007)
Cinematic Avante Garde that flaunts traditional 'Movie Status Quo'.
This movie hits you hard. Like, in the kidneys. Or maybe the cojones. With all of mainstream Hollywood totally committed to such outdated principles as "Don't look at the camera!" and "Deliver your lines smoothly and with a contextual emotional response appropriate for the scene" this movie literally SHATTERS all of these conventions. The fourth wall? WHAT fourth wall? Camera glances abound. While most movies rely on continuity in order for the viewer to understand what is taking place, "Abe's Tomb" does away with such outdated modalities and simply labels all the characters. How do we know he's Police? Because he has a hat and a shirt that says, POLICE. How do we know she's a vampire hunter? She carries the most versatile of personal protection weaponry, a claymore. How do we know that girl is a vampire? She hisses. A LOT. And she fights her battles in a skin tight black dress and thigh high leather boots. But, it doesn't stop with mere nomenclature of characters. What truly propels this movie over the top is the writing. Oh dear GOD the writing. It's all unconventional, however, some lines deserve special attention, which I will relate directly: "Explain your existence." "Come on now, show yourself. I know you're here and you were reported to be here in the last thirty minutes." My personal favorite: "One thing I want to tell you, you stink." "Yea, well, so does life."
There is a supernatural creature named Abe that does something fairly important to the loosely assembled series of events that make up the "plot". You'll recognize him as the character you want to give extra candy to at Halloween time so he doesn't feel bad about having a really bad costume.
One final note: The redheaded chick. You think her acting was a bit off? Well when you consider how badly she wanted me the entire time they were filming, you can understand why she might be having a bit of a difficult time acting. Poor girl.
To wrap up, I just want to add, I saw on the the IMDb web page for this piece of sheer genius that the estimated budget was $100,000 which begs the question, what did they do with the other $98,000?
The Fields (2011)
A Movie...With a Beginning, a Middle and an End....
A movie like no other....Something mundane happens to somebody platitudinous. It goes on for a bit, then it stops. You'll yawn. You'll blink. You'll wonder what Redbox did with your $1.28. The complete and total absence of action is over shadowed only by the loosely grouped events that struggle to make up a plot. The best thing that can be said for this movie is that the Director and Producers of "The English Patient" rejoiced and threw a party when it was learned their movie was no longer the single most boring piece of cinematic doldrums ever conceived. Perhaps the best review of this movie came from Leo Tolstoy, who upon viewing it said, "My God, does this EVER end?"