Change Your Image
houndra
Reviews
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (2000)
Horrid.
Horrid...Truly horrid. The movie revolves around some kid who, by then SHOULD HAVE outgrown Santa. His personality is completely one-dimensional and his catchphrase is "yeeeeeasssssssss!!!". his family isn't much better. Granny has an irritating voice and at least is mildly entertaining (but not much). The evil salesman and his ugly sidekick are both as cookie-cutter as you can get. Santa's nothing new, and grandpa looks like some ripoff of the Disney Gepetto. With that out of the way, I'll go on about the story.
Once again, Christmas is just some big spend-fest. Religion isn't mentioned ONCE. I grew up in a Christain family and went to a Christain school, and I can tell you, I do NOT like ChristiansBut I still respect them. You know why? Because they're just living the way that they see as right. Christmas is not about giving. It's not about getting. It's about the birth of Jesus and that is the way it is. Giving is just a tradition that commemorates the 3 gifts presented on that holy day. Santa thinks he can cancel a holiday just because some people don't acknowledge him. When he's found to be real, you'd think people would've been more surprised. So Christmas is portrayed as "Santa Day", celebrating some guy that doesn't exist.
The songs are bad. Too bad to talk even more about. And the acting is even worse. I don't even know how they got a few pros to do this chunk of crap. The story is just completely unoriginal and the jokes...That was the ONE THING that got unjust treatment. Had the jokes been in a different movie, they would've been pretty good. The animation...If you can call it that, looks like it wasn't even drawn by hand. The character's chins wouldn't move when speaking, the tongues looked terrible, it wasn't inbetweened. They didn't even get good artists! I could do better...And that's no exaggeration. I mean it. I'm 14 an I could draw AT LEAST 10 times better.Really. Stay away from this, at all costs.
The Cobweb Hotel (1936)
different
Here's a good one. While the flies are hideously irritating and drawings are pretty ugly, the theme provides something interesting for a kid. I was about 3 when I first saw it, and it could beat Pocahontas any day. The freakish spider would give me a thrill as well as the fact that this one features a nonstereotypical female heroine. Consider how old this is and it'll hit your top ten. In the cartoon are. that is. Why doesn't anyone make cartoons like these anymore? Other hits you'll love are those WWII cartoons, and I believe Cobweb Hotel is a spoof on Hitler (Death camps, posing as a nice guy). I pity the kids growing up on Yugioh and Pokemon, these things are worth watching.
Brother Bear (2003)
Have they considered Alaskans might be viewing this?
Nothing absolutely remarkable here, and me and my fellow Alaskans find it barfingly lame (You DON'T see the aurora, which is green 80% of the time, in summer, bears are NOT social, if the Aurora touched earth, it would be in Antarctica, bears have TERRIBLE vision.) Lamest of all are those wimpy names (Tanana-a village, Kenai-a town, Sitka-another town, D'nahi-an Inuit tribe, etc.) So the wimpiness and inaccuracy is appalling as well as the obscenely lame "Humour" sequences (The goats, for instance) and the lack of diversity and, of course considering this is an animated film, the big missing gap in the story (HOW does Kenai come to love Koda?)as well as the crappy acting. It's a bit Lion King-ish (Simba-Lion, Rafiki-friend, etc...And Scar. Now what the hell is a name like "Scar"?His mama psychic or something?) However, (Sorry, I'm kinda in the mood for a crap-rant)It had VERY good animation and actually a pretty decent (albeit weak) plot. However, it's going against the story's message the way right after Kenai gets transformed he AUTOMATICALLY sees things clearer because "Bears respect the earth more than humans". Not so. If bears were on our level, the earth would've ended years ago. Besides, at the time man and bear both had EQUAL respect for the earth.
plot:7/10 acting:7/10 anim:9.5/10 CGI:6/10 Overall 3/10 for the excessive lameness.
Malibu's Most Wanted (2003)
Why didn't they give out barfbags at the theater?
Here's a movie that'll have you on your knees barfing and puking and spewing chunks across the room. The story of a rapper wannabe aided only by his rapper friends and his hideous whiney voice. A pothead teen may drop by the video store and laugh drunkly over this and even do impressions later on. Some of us teens have slightly higher standards and would prefer something we'd have to do some thinking over. This movie was just a bad attempt at making a teenager's top ten movie list. I used to be a major rap fan but now...Well, let's just say I won't be going near that section in the music store anytime soon. Plot-6/10 acting-5/10 Was it supposed to be a comedy?
Bowling for Columbine (2002)
shocking mind candy
At last, someone tackled the subject on gun violence! Michael Moore leads this eye-opening and genius documentary, laying bare a highly delicate topic honestly and un-sugar coated. He interviews Marilyn Manson, headbanger public scapegoat, on the Columbine incident, Matt Stone, South park co-creator, and attempts to question highanmighty Dick Clark who is hopefully having a nervous breakdown and will continue to suffer from deep humiliation for the rest of his miserable life. Some things covered in BfC you never would have DREAMED of and attempts to answer the unanswerable question: Are we a bunch of gun nuts or are we just nuts? Everyone, at some point, NEEDS to view this dark yet clever mind-blowing documentary. A absolute 10/10. Hell, give it a 20!
All Dogs Go to Heaven (1989)
Cartoon Noir
All Dogs was marketed towards children and the box just RADIATES cuteness and Oh-my-God you just HAVE to show it to Junior. But don't be fooled. It doesn't matter WHO a G-rated cartoon is intended for, it's always gonna be marketed towards children. All Dogs is a clever film directed by Don Bluth (NIMH, Rockadoodle, Land before Time) but is NOT for kids. You wanna show your kids a film involving murder, greed, theft and a villain coming across some people as a pedophile? The drawings aren't that great, the way their mouths keep changing shape, but it's nonetheless a good film and should be added to your collection. Just don't show Junior. It might mess him up. Plot-8/10 anim-8.5/10 acting-8.5/10
The Lion King 1½ (2004)
Big fat Fart joke
Upon watching this film, one can only assume the following: Disney STILL isn't sorry, Ei$ner STILL thinks they can make a good spin off, Nathan Lane has NO pride, and 13-year-old boys LOVE fart jokes and puns. The animation and colouration are surprisingly good for a Disney prequel, but this li'l stinker has what it takes to categorize it as "Ren and Stimpy". Like all Ei$ner ficks, This one has an all-star cast which they should've been more selective about and is therefore viewed by your typical generic American. Look, if it's got some appallingly untalented yet famous scriptsayer like Matthew Broderick, people are gonna buy it. Don't fall into the "in" crowd. Plot-2/10 anim-9/10 CGI-7/10 Acting-7/10
The Lion King II: Simba's Pride (1998)
Strange... *MILD SPOILERS*
*MILD SPOILERS* Ei$ner's famous for barfing out crap and LK2 is no exception, but in a truly strange way, it also happened to set Disney history. It's groundbreaking, even. Now how many Disney films portray a prequel hero as a racist, or have an antagonistic adolescent die before repenting? Also, those flashbacks to the first film are kinda eerie rather than lame. It's enough to not write this one off as completely retarded and may actually be worth a few views. Miss the hyenas, though. And why doesn't Simba age? Scar aged, remember? In LK part 1, his nose was brown. In part 2 it was white. plot-5/10 (another kimba ripoff) anim-7.5/10 acting-8/10
The Lion King (1994)
A ripped-off masterpiece
This wonderous 2D film filled with magnificent melodies (with some exceptions...) is, in fact, a complete ripoff story-wise. You probably haven't heard of Osamu Tezuka or Kimba (I'm 14 and I notice not many adults, much less peers, are aware of this) and Kimba's now available on DVD. But that's not a suggestion. Trust me on this. Just do some research, but don't get too judgemental. Moving on. I've always had a preference for 2D (When I was 5 I was just THRILLED about CGI...But now it sucks.) so I undoubtedly started collecting all sorts of well-made flicks (My collection's not that big yet, I just started and in fact made a mistake...Thank god Quest for camelot was only 5 bucks.) so I undoubtedly got this one. SE is certainly a real collector's piece. Ignore those retarded stereotypes about kid's movies. Here's the laws of kid's movies: It's animated. It's G. It's intended for adults. Therefore it's marketed towards children (i.e. All Dogs go to Heaven). Matthew Broderick and Moira Kelley are both appallingly untalented in here, but you hafta admit, you won't even care. And don't watch "Morning Report". Just some final words of advice. Oh, and for you 2D-lovin' fanatics out there: Mark Henn, Andreas Deja, and Ruben Aquino. Plot-1/10 animation-9/10 (Forgot to inbetween certain parts) acting-7/10
The Fox and the Hound (1981)
nice and blah
Nice animation (that's a pretty cool spiderweb in the intro) and the story's okay, but don't expect an adult to sit still through the whole thing. The songs are rather dull and tuneless, more like talking in rhyme, and the kid actors come across as too young. The vixen seems a bit too sugar-and-spice and, like all Disney female romance subjects, lifeless. And why don't the foxes bark? But apart from mute foxes, they got the anatomy down pretty good and I do believe it's done by the Nine Old Men and if I recall my history correctly, this was the last of the true Disney flicks...Or was that Sword in the Stone? Plot- 6/10 animation-10/10 acting-6/10