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Helen of Troy (2003)
Slightly less fun than slitting your own throat and jumping in a pool of vinegar.
Here's the thing. The production value was not too shabby. Sure, the budget wasn't up there with Troy but you could tell that decent efforts were made by the CGI guys. And that's where the decency stops.
It's just sad that Homer's epic Iliad hasn't been told yet. Not just properly but, at all.
I've read reviewers talking about various interpretations and different points of view.
Bull. Crap. The book is there. It's clear as daylight. And yet, still no decent portrayal of Homer's 3.000 old writings.
This is not bad just as far as accuracy goes. 300 for example was as accurate as an 80 year old man, trying to shoot a humming bird with a weakly stringed bow from a 2000 yard distance while wearing a blindfold, but still it was fun and well filmed with a high re- watching value.
But this? Dear Zeus. Poor Gimli was trying to save the day, but the rest were overacting like Calculon from Futurama. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Achilles. I was expecting Vince McMahon to jump at the roidraged monster and yell "Y'er fired" when he got lanced, something that finally ended his WWE rantings. Hell, he should have his own theme and Titantron whenever he showed up.
I definitely did laugh at the part where they find the Trojan horse and someone is supposed to tell them in ancient fluent "Greek" that this is an offering to the goddess Athena. Too bad he was speaking a mix of Italian and Southparkish derka derka and not a single word was actual Greek. Not even Athena. Which in ancient Greek it's.... well... Athena. Watching Homer's Iliad being violated in such a way, is like giving Michael Bay to do his own rendition of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
I do get the ones who liked or even loved it, if they recently discovered Western Civilization (like the week before they watched it) and this was the second movie they watched in their life, right after Miami Connection.
Another prerequisite to really enjoy this movie is that the only Homer you know, is the beloved character by Matt Groening.
The rape at the ending is yet another thing that was never in the book. It's just a subtle metaphor from the director and screenwriter that this is what they did to our precious time which we'll never get back.
Froutopia (1985)
The best comic adaptation happened in the mid 80's. Its name: Froutopia.
Evgenios Trivizas and Nikos Maroulakis created a 50 issue comic book, named "Froutopia" in 1983. It was about a country where walking and talking actual fruits and vegetables lived in, some humans trying to take over their country and some other humans, like Pikos Apikos the journalist helping them out.
The comic was converted into a series by the extremely talented Sofianos family in 1985 for the Greek public television as a puppet show.
This is not your ordinary puppet show. The best the Greek TV and theater had to offer lend their voices. The settings were full of detail and life. The script and dialogue is extremely smart and mature, full of comedy, plot twists, drama, dealing with war, life and death. Character development is top notch and you forget that you're watching puppets after a few minutes.
On the down side, you have to understand Greek fluently and have a good understanding of Greek culture to get all the clever jokes.
If you do, this is one of the best series ever made, in any language. Watching it again, 30 years after its premiere, its still fresh, timeless and amazing.
It really is one of the things where the stars aligned properly, the right people got together and created a once in a lifetime masterpiece.
Thank you for gracing our childhood with such an amazing, influential piece of art.
Fantastic Four (2005)
A huge disappointment unless this is the first movie you watch. Ever.
The reason that I just had to write my own review was all these 10 star reviews that plague the comments area, leading the unsuspected viewer to think that this is a new movies classic, able to surpass the Godfather or Ran. If you are a teen who thinks that Dumb and Dumber 2 had an interesting plot and Jessica Alba and Julian McMahon are enough to make you pay a ticket for this movie, then you might actually enjoy this. Being a FF and comic heroes/scifi fan in general, I joined the rest of the herd into the cinema to see one of the worst, if not THE worst movie with the "Marvel Comics" logo showing at the beginning of it. The plot has more holes than swiss cheese. The jokes are boring and are thrown to our faces way too often just in case you missed them the previous 20 times they were used. Yes Torch boy, you're hot, we get it, ha ha. The Thing carries the burden of a comic relief and you find yourself laughing at a slapstick comedy, only that the Three Stooges did it much better.
*********** spoilers ***********
I mean seriously, let's just think of the scene at the bridge. Everyone just happened to be on that bridge at the same time. Thing's mates were there just when he needed them and guess what, his wife too! How convenient. One would believe that everyone lives and works at the bridge. The firemen acted like stupid rag dolls and when the firetruck was hanging on the edge of the bridge, everyone rushed towards the wrong part, probably thinking "the weird rock-skin fella will save us". And the stupidity just went on. "Become invisible and go help him.". A few moments later our heroes find themselves close to him. "It's a good think you became invisible and we got here". So, in a nutshell, she became invisible, pushed aside a couple of cops saying "coming through, excuse me", they all walked there and she became visible again. Yyyyeah. The story between Reed and Sue is cheesy, boring and half the movie revolves around it. It's like a soap opera with a really weird couple. Johnny is a silly guy who's on a quest to become famous the easy way and he's a character that no one really cares about. His ability to imitate a match is an endless source of supposedly funny lines repeated every now and than, like "- You're on fire. - I know. - No, you're actually on fire." Ha ha ha. But the quality humor continues. Ben's story line could be interesting but after 40 seconds of dealing with the love of his life, it's all reduced to 30 (at least) unoriginal and predictable jokes about him being too heavy and too strong. Dr.Doom is no better than the rest of the bunch. He becomes evil just because it's in the script. He loses his job, a few hair, gets a scar, superhuman strength and he decides that it's time to conquer the world using his secret weapons, ultra boredom and super whining. I was expecting to see him in a handicap match versus Ben and Reed, with Sue cheering in a bikini and Johnny holding a chair, waiting for a chance to give a sneak hit with it, but no, they just had to go for a boring 4 minute fighting scene in the end which is less exciting than watching a couple of baboons sleeping at the zoo.
********** no more spoilers :) *********
There are probably a zillion movies that you haven't seen but you need to. This is not one of them, it's a complete waste of time. It's the best example of Hollywood exploiting an idea and actors favorite to teenagers to make money. On the bright side, there's no Justin Timberlake or Jessica Simpson in it, so it could be worst. Steer away at all costs. If I saved a single soul, then I didn't type this for nothing.
Van Helsing (2004)
Battlefield Earth just lost the only reason to be memorable. Van Helsing is even worst.
First of all I'd like to clear some things up about me. I am a major sci-fi, horror and fantasy fan. I loved X-Men 1 & 2, I thought that no one could play my fave character Wolverine better than Hugh Jackman. I liked Underworld since I am a fan of Whitewolf, I love dark settings and Kate Beckinsale was out of this world. I also enjoyed both Mummies. They are fun, with a basic plot and enjoyable characters. What I call a perfect pop-corn movie. Watching the trailer of Van Helsing, I hoped that I would see another enjoyable pop-corn movie with two good actors.
DAMN I WAS WRONG.
It would take me hours to describe why this movie was the first one in lots of years that was begging me to leave the building running and screaming in agony.
The script is a big hole. It's as simple and chaotic as a bad dream you may have after eating a big steak for dinner and you haven't digested well. My best guess is that it was still being written while they were filming it and they were adding random scenes to it.
A few things I can remember. The monk Q (James Bond), part of a secret society in Vatican that shelters Buddhist explosive experts, Mormon weapon designers and Muslims testing CHAINGUNS, tours VH through the latest weaponry, showing him some cool explosive he came up with and the flash bomb he just discovered that emits sunlight but can't find a use for it (Blade and James Bond rip-off in one scene, wow).
Frankenstein is a cuddly bear with british accent (did he pick that up in Romania Cambridge school?), Dracula (or T-1000 judging from the way he walks out of fire) could as well be an American Pie character (he's THAT silly), his helpers are Ewoks/Dwarves (where is Snow-white or Luke?) with Slipknot/Sand People masks, his brides are always posing (waving their hands and bodies in a stupid way) when trying to act just like in old b/w movies with no sound, everyone has a stupid Romanian accent, everyone is acting worst than soap operas (including Jack and Kate). You'll see everyone jumping through wires and falling on the ground without a scratch (a lot like Spiderman, including the camera movement), you'll see Dracula's children straight out of Gremlins, you'll notice their hives resembling the Matrix "human batteries", you'll laugh at the 10 arrows/sec crossbow, you'll scream "yo ho ho" when the horses and carriage fly over a broken bridge and I am sure I am still forgetting lots of things. It's not bad to the point of making you laugh, it's bad to the point of making you angry.
I swear, there were people around me who fell asleep at some point.
Ed Wood would be proud of his followers (or perhaps just laugh at them). You have to see it to believe how awful it is...