oz_13_was_taken Reviews

Backwoods (1988)

Really Quite Tragic

[5/10 · 31 December 2023]

A movie about two backpackers who cross paths with a hillbilly man, Evan, after saving his daughter from a life-threatening injury in the woods. Evan invites them both to stay at his house for a few days. While the woman is swimming naked in a nearby lake, she spots a bearded man drooling and staring at her through the trees. After running back to Evan's house, we learn that the bearded man is actually Evan's severely mentally disabled son, William.

I really so badly for William. He had severe mental development issues and this movie treats him like a monster. He clearly showed remorse when he lashed out. He just didn't know his own strength. It was sort of an "Of Mice and Men" situation, only if Lenny were more feral.

After the protagonists murder both Evan AND (accidentally) the little girl they saved at the beginning, William is PISSED. He has every right to be... his father and younger sister were just killed. The movie's final 20 minutes devolve into an overlong final girl chase where the real antagonist ends up winning. Poor guy. I was rooting for you, William.

Hotel Inferno (2013)

Really Bad

[1/10 · 8 December 2023]

One of the worst movies I've ever seen. Bad dialogue, bad acting, repetitive and a dumb ending. There are sequels but I'm not going to bother watching. I would suggest saving your money or finding... other means... to watch Necrostorm's movies.

Now, to meet the minimum character requirement, I will recite from Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky":

'Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe. All mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!

The Last of Sheila (1973)

Runs Out Of Steam

[5/10 · 27 September 2023]

I hate movies with big exposition dumps of either: 1.) The villain explaining their entire evil deed(s) and how they did it, or 2.) The protagonist giving a step-by-step replay of how the villain did it... to the villain. It's lazy. Show, don't tell! I realize this was made 50 years ago and was far from the first movie to use this trope, but it's just disappointing because this movie showed so much promise until about halfway through.

The acting was decent enough. I wanted more of the "game" that Clinton was setting up for them. What a huge disappointment this was. I wanted to love it so much more.

Contracted: Phase II (2015)

Totally Destroys What Made The First Movie Scary

[1/10 · 21 July 2023]

The first "Contracted," though definitely flawed, was entertaining. After a woman is raped at a party by a stranger who happens to enjoy necrophilia, she begins to suffer from grotesque body horrors. What made the barely-seen antagonist so scary was that he was a depraved predator who KNOWINGLY gave her an STD. He is never clearly seen, only slightly blurred and darkly lit.

Women are attacked every day. Some are knowingly given diseases by their rapists. This guy could be any predator on the street. That's what was so terrifying.

In this, the realistic stranger from the first film is made into a cartoonish over-the-top villain who wants to bring forth a zombie apocalypse. Totally ruined the subtlety and nuance of the first movie so they could make a zombie schlock you'd see in a Walmart dollar bin. There is a ridiculous mid-credits "twist" that was also bafflingly stupid and sets up a third movie, which I hope never happens. This was a dud.

Song of the Loon (1970)

Just Because It's "Important" Doesn't Mean It's Good

[2/10 · 1 July 2023]

Was told to watch this because it's a classic and important piece of gay cinema. Some cowboys fall in love, one of them spends some time with some offensive Native American stereotypes. One closeted guy gets outed at the end, I was only sort of still following the movie at that point, I was so bored. I was able to sit through it but my GOD what a boring slog! This thing could've been about 20 minutes but was long and drawn out with not much happening. Plenty of eye candy, though, I guess. Pretty soft core. I'm a gay man myself, so I can understand the significance of having a movie like this back in the 70s, but just because it was important doesn't make it good. Not entertaining.

Home on the Range (2004)

Really Don't Get The Hate

[7/10 · 24 May 2023]

Sure, it wasn't Disney's best but it was CUTE. I loved the reveal of Alameda Slim's hypnotic yodeling. It subverted expectations and made me laugh. The 3 nephews were funny, too. I died at the sheer absurdist gag of Patch of Heaven on the map being shaped just like the nephew's head. The cow puns made me chuckle. The story will be totally predictable to adults, as will one of the "twists" towards the end, but it's still good if you're not expecting another Lion King or Little Mermaid. Like others have said, this was a pretty bad era for Disney films (try watching Chicken Little), and this one stood out as being worth the time, in my opinion.

Inside (I) (2023)

Pretty On The Outside, Nothing On The... Inside

[3/10 · 17 May 2023]

An art thief gets trapped inside the house he was robbing. I was so excited to see this. The premise sounded interesting and I love Willem Dafoe. While the movie does have some good things going for it (cinematography, art direction, acting), it thinks it is so much more clever than it really is. I kept hanging on thinking something, ANYTHING interesting would happen. At one point he discovers something like a secret passageway. I thought FINALLY, maybe something was coming. Maybe he was going to find something sinister about the house's owner. But, nope, that led nowhere. A very slow, boring waste of Willem Dafoe's talent. A better movie with a similar plot is the 1991 film "Scissors." Give that a watch instead.

Roseanne Barr: Cancel This! (2023 TV Special)

Cancel This? Gladly!

[1/10 · 23 March 2023]

Roseanne Barr has had some troubles, and by troubles I mean consequences of her own actions. But, of course, this wasn't her fault, it was "woke cancel culture." This special is absolutely terrible, and not because it's offensive, it's because it's so unfunny and there are so few actual jokes that it is painful to watch. It's rather sad seeing her fall from her 'Roseanne' show, which had an amazing first few seasons. That was comedy GOLD. Actual jokes and characters that were relatable. This is just Roseanne standing on a stage and making statements that she knows will get responses from the republican crowd. Most of the raucous audience reactions were clearly edited onto the end of "jokes" that most likely got small pity laughs. Not worth the time at all.

Doritos: Hotel 626 (2008 Video)

Glad I Checked In

[10/10 · 10 March 2023]

Even if it's just for a limited time, Doritos needs to bring Hotel 626 back from the dead. This was incredibly well-made and a pretty groundbreaking piece of promotion... I can't think of any other snack food brands that have created a fully playable game of this magnitude as advertising. Not only that, but if you had a webcam, your photo was taken and featured in one of the game's levels. At one point in the game, if you submitted your phone number, a mysterious stranger would call you and give you directions to navigate the labyrinthine hallways in the game. This made the experience feel so much more... real? You weren't just looking at a screen, now the game was reaching out. Contacting you directly. It was magnificent, cool, and there was nothing like it. If anyone at Doritos is reading this, I implore you, PLEASE bring this back. There's somewhat of a cult following that misses this game.

Skinamarink (2022)

All Style, No Substance or Scares

[2/10 · 31 December 2022]

If you like looking at boring shots of the tops of doorways, T. V. screens, and kids toys for 100 minutes, this movie is for you! It's incredibly dull. It also ends in a very unsatisfying conclusion. Now, I don't mind ambiguous endings at all, but after the long, bloated time it took to get there, it was not worth it. Only reason I gave this more than one star was because there is a very effective scene involving one of the children in his parents' room, but that's about it. I feel like the director is just throwing stuff at the wall to see what would stick (wink, wink). Go watch the trailer and imagine watching it over and over again for over an hour and a half. That's the movie.

A Christmas Karen (2022)

Slightly Better Than Expected

[6/10 · 17 December 2022]

I hit play on my TV expecting to watch 5 minutes of this and turn it off. Surprisingly there were a few really funny parts that kept me watching, mainly Jackie, Karen's deceased best friend. She was the best character. I was expecting some Christian garbage that you see on Pureflix but it had a lot of dirty jokes and it wasn't overly preachy. The actors do a decent job, which is uncommon for a low-budget movie. I really hope more "Karens" watch this so they can learn to mind their own business and not call the police over minor inconveniences. It's not a classic, but I'm not angry I watched it. Maybe I'll watch it again in a few years during the holiday season.

Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin (2022– )

We get it. You know movies

[4/10 · 10 September 2022]

This show likes to throw in as many movie references as possible to the point of obnoxiousness.

"She's crazy, like full Jawbreaker." "This is like Amityville level scary. I'm getting total Poltergeist vibes." "Let's Tracy Flick this b*tch (Election)."

Those are just a few examples of the crappy dialogue. There's also the character that cries racism where there isn't any, which is annoying af. Her teacher gives an assignment where the students have to make a short film inspired by 20 classic films on the list. She says "tHeRe'S nO pEoPLe oF cOLoR." Yeah, a lot of classic films have white directors due to the racism of the time they were made, but the fact that the teacher has none doesn't make him racist. This mentality is so dumb and annoying.

Orphan: First Kill (2022)

Meh.

[5/10 · 9 September 2022]

I won't spoil the twist, but I'll just say it ends up having Esther be blackmailed. There's a power dynamic here that is borderline comical. You know you shouldn't be rooting for Esther but you do (which seems dumb because we already know she's going to survive). The twist, while very good, felt SO rushed and was basically exposition dump. The ending is also anticlimactic too. I did enjoy the performances however. Julia Styles does well with what she's given. Isabelle Fuhrman is just irreplaceable as Esther. A big complaint is that she looks too old now to pass as a kid. While it's definitely true, I just couldn't see anyone else playing her.

Fangs (1981)

Could've Been Great Fun

[4/10 · 25 August 2022]

A live chicken's throat is cut in the opening credits so it lost points with me right there. The movie stars off like a fun and blatant Rocky Horror ripoff. Then we arrive at Dracula's castle. I had to fast forward this movie's take on the "Time Warp." A bunch of people with painted faces and rubber Halloween masks do an interpretive dance that goes on for far too long.

The movie takes a 15 minute break in the middle to make a long-winded joke about how doctors, plumbers, mechanics, tutors, contractors, etc, are vampires (haha, they take your money...) We get the joke. We don't need to see 15 minutes worth of vignettes to get it across when it was barely funny the first time.

The movie does make a hilarious Christopher Lee joke that I enjoyed.

She Will (2021)

She Will... Have No Plot

[2/10 · 26 July 2022]

This dull movie fails to deliver any chills or any story, really. We get to see the main character wander into the woods during dream sequences that grow tired by the third time we see them. All this leads to an ending that dives into overly-artsy fartsy territory. Not worth the time.

Bling Empire (2021–2022)

Who Are Shows Like This For, Exactly...?

[1/10 · 9 July 2022]

Not just this one, but the Kartrashians as well. Rich people pretending to have silly little problems that can't be solved with their immense wealth. It's disgusting. I'm sure it's SO HARD wearing $8000 dresses and not ever having to worry about rent, hunger, or going to work to earn a living. Watching these shows is like being flipped off while the TV says, "you'll never be like this!"

Bad Ronald (1974 TV Movie)

More Sad Than Scary

[6/10 · 4 July 2022]

Ronald gets pissed at this bitchy little girl who's bullying him and pushes her over, inadvertently causing her to hit her head on a cinderblock and die. I couldn't help but have a "good for him" feeling at that very moment. He seemed like a nice guy but a little weird and socially awkward. He didn't deserve that bullying and I was happy he stood up for himself. Since he did accidentally kill this little girl, his mother decides to keep him hidden in a spare room which they seal off with a false wall to protect him. I won't ruin the plot from there (it's thin enough as it is), but I'll just say I felt extremely bad for Ronald even though he does go a tad psycho towards the end. The performances are good for a 70s made-for-TV movie. It's worth a watch on a rainy day but don't spend your hard-earned money on it if you don't have to.

Quantum Leap: Sea Bride - June 3, 1954 (1990) Season 2, Episode 21

Meh. Pretty Boring Episode.

[4/10 · 27 June 2022]

He's gotta stop this bride from getting married blah blah blah. I gave it stars for the decent acting and the fun tango scene. But the real reason to watch this episode is to see the beautiful Queen Mary. It's lovely to see the ship before various owners neglected it over the years.

Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022 TV Special)

Really terrible

[2/10 · 8 June 2022]

Bill was pretty funny but some of these other comics... yeesh. Also whoever told Ronny Chieng he can sing needs to be horse-whipped. He was like a terrible singer at a karaoke bar that the crowd feels obligated to clap for.

The X-Files: Triangle (1998) Season 6, Episode 3

Fun, But Mostly Forgettable

[4/10 · 7 June 2022]

Mulder goes back in time after venturing (by himself- a choice made only to incite a plot) into the Birmuda triangle to find a WWII era luxury ship called the Queen Anne.

While this episode does have some moments that I loved (the one-take scene with Scully trying to get help from three different people at the FBI went down as one of my favorite X-Files scenes ever), the stakes never really feel that big. And then there's the aspect of familiar characters appearing in 1939-era as different people. Were these ancestors? If so, that's one hell of a coincidence that all their paths would cross in present-day. After all, this was just a time warp, not a weird dimension where all the people Mulder knew would intersect. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

There's a scene where Scully and the Lone Gunmen eventually arrive at the ship and it seems like it was a scene they had just to have it. There's no plot point that comes out of them actually boarding the ship and looking around. The ending feels extremely rushed, too. Mulder tells past-Scully "you've gotta convince them to turn this ship around!" then jumps ship. That's pretty much how it's all solved. It's a climatic part of the story where you're expecting more and it just... ends.

One of the good things the episode had going for it is location. It was filmed aboard the R. M. S. Queen Mary in Long Beach, a place I've been to countless times and adore. So that was neat. Other than that, this episode just isn't that memorable and feels like it needed to be a two-parter.

Lux Æterna (2019)

If You Find Constant Arguing and Flashing Lights Entertaining, This Is For You!

[1/10 · 27 April 2022]

A 51-minute film filled with people shouting and arguing on the set of a movie. The final 5-10 minutes contributes flashing colors and a high pitched ringing to go along with the shouting. Throw in pointless side-plots (if you can call them that, since they aren't really relevant or resolved) and you've got a movie snobs will call "high art" just because it came from Gaspar Noe. Waste of 51 minutes. Glad I didn't pay to see it. Stunning poster art, though.

Ravenous (1999)

2 Decades Later, 'Ravenous' Still Satisfies

[10/10 · 5 October 2021]

In the year 2000, little pre-teen me was able to acquire a copy of this underrated gem and watch it without my parents finding out. I instantly fell in love with the movie's music and the dark humor. Years later, I've seen it countless times and it just doesn't get old.

The absolute madness of this movie can't be described, only seen in all its gonzo glory. Way ahead of its time and panned by critics, the film has since found a cult following and still feeds a hunger that no other movie can quite satisfy.

America's Got Talent (2006– )

America's Got Sob Stories

[1/10 · 13 August 2021]

Seriously, can we just drop the sob stories and focus on talent? Too many times people have gotten through that didn't deserve it but skated by on pity from the judges. It's pathetic.

Opera Mortem (1973)

The Stereotypical Artsy Student Film

[3/10 · 19 July 2021]

First off, the story behind this movie is a hoax, sort of like how Blair Witch Project fooled millions into thinking it was real. Opera Mortem is not a Satanist's lost film from 1973. Watching the interviews on the DVD where they talk about "Uncle Dave" (the director) makes it painfully obvious that it's all made up.

As for the movie itself, it's in black and white. Dark droning music. Satan. Nudity. Blood. It's what an edgy college film student would make. It was hard to stay awake. There's a scene with the sound of gagging that goes on way too long. The screaming sound effects get tiresome instead of creepy. I almost muted my TV. Save for some neat visuals, Opera Mortem was a waste of 71 minutes.

Wrong Turn (2021)

Glad It Was Different

[7/10 · 16 February 2021]

Let's be honest here... there hasn't been a good "Wrong Turn" movie since the first one. All you fanboys just won't admit that the franchise has sucked for a long time now. I'm glad this chose to do something different instead of the tired "redneck cannibal" story. However, this one is not without its faults and contrivances. And they made the villain too attractive! An older man with a close-shaven beard? HOT! By the way.... how'd he keep that beard so short? hahaha. Anyways, give it a shot. The final scene (during the credits) had me cheering out loud.