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Reviews
12 Days with God (2019)
Rotten story, rotten acting
Three minutes in and you just know this is a D grade movie filled with D grade acting, and probably voted up by the religious lobby. There are only so many words in the dictionary to describe this religious trash; pap, pulp, slop, slush, swill, mash, gloop, glop, refuse, garbage, train wreck, junk, dross, detritus and dregs just about cover it, and that applies to the story line, the rotten, unconvincing acting, and the pointless closeups of alleged actors. Not even the doctors or surgeons can work up a convincing stare.
Avoid this poor excuse for a movie. It isn't even worth stealing. Seriously, it's that bad. Avoid it like it will give you the plague.
Witches of Amityville Academy (2020)
Run away! Run away!
Avoid this poor excuse for complete and utter rubbish. The real horror in this video is the acting, the dialog and the camera work. The acting is wooden and woeful. The complete range of facial expressions of the entire cast consists of catatonic stares occasionally interspersed with some kind of wry smile. The dialog is utterly lame. The camera work is atrocious. If you have the time to watch this garbage, you've got far too much time on your hands and ought to consider going outside to watch rocks grow instead. At least the time spent doing that will be more productive.
Wish Man (2019)
Yet another cast and crew up-vote
This movie is, in a word, rubbish. In more words, the acting is woeful and the camera work even worse. Don't bother seeing this, instead do something for your fellow human and donate to charity. You'll be doing yourself and someone else a huge favour.
Warfighter (2018)
Don't believe the positive reviews
Nonsensical rubbish, rotten acting and actors that simply don't fit in many of the scenes. It simply is unconvincing. Sad to say, this movie's current 8.7 rating appears to be yet another colossal up-vote by cast, crew and all their extended families.
The Way We Weren't (2019)
Here's the real joke "Genres: Comedy"
Rotten acting, terrible camera work, and not a funny line in sight. I gave this rubbish a 1/10 in the hope of balancing the current 6.9. I'll be very surprised if this ends up with better than 4.5 when real voters start voting it down instead of the cast voting it up.
Encounter (2018)
Yet another upvote by cast and crew
This movie is completely rotten. The acting is woeful and there doesn't seem to be a coherent story line at all. The props and scenes are reminiscent of a truly ancient Dr Who episode. There are things going on in the movie that simply wouldn't happen in a real situation like that portrayed. I'd say what they are but then I'd have to mark this as a spoiler.
In the end, the ten 10/10 scores for this rubbish can't possibly be genuine. Give this trash a wide berth and instead of spending money on it, give a donation to your favourite charity.
UFO (2018)
This isn't Sci-Fi, it's just a drama
The summary at the top of the page plainly states, "A college student, who sees a UFO, uses his exceptional math skills to investigate the sighting with his friends while the FBI follows closely behind. "
Well, after watching this painful excuse for science fiction, I can say with 100% certainty that this movie is about a college student who uses math skills to investigate a UFO sighting.
Really, that's all there is to it. Nothing more, nothing less. This movie is not worth it's current 6+ rating. It's a drama, and while the acting isn't second-rate, it doesn't come close to any kind of sci-fi. You could replace the UFO with a sighting of a gnome, goblin, troll, faerie, pixie or Elvis Presley and not a single thing in the movie would change.
If you've got an hour and a half to spare watching this movie, consider going outside to watch the grass grow instead.
Native (2016)
Complete and utter rubbish
There are three reviews rating this absolute trash at 9/10, 10/10 and 10/10. Either the reviewers reviewed the wrong video or, well, I'll leave that to you to decide. Seriously, at ten minutes in you'll be scratching your head wondering what the movie is actually about. if you're still trying to figure out what this movie is about at the one hour mark, you can rest assured that you're not alone.
The set, if it can be called that, is woeful. Some of the CGI isn't bad but if you watch closely what the actors are doing with their hands while the CGI is played then, like me, you might be at a loss to make sense of it all. In fact, nothing in this movie, even the ending, made any sense. The entire plot was hidden for a full hour, and when it's revealed, you'll wonder how it got there.
If you can afford to pay to watch this then I urge you to skip it entirely and donate the money to a worthy charity. The movie really is that bad, despite the three top reviews dishonestly attempting to talk this trash up.
Higher Power (2018)
Nonsensical, unconvincing, rotten, boring
Nonsensical story line.
Unconvincing acting.
Rotten, last century computer graphics.
Strawberry syrup blood.
Boring, interminable silences.
Unbearable.
The highlight of this rubbish is the half second of black and absolute silence at the end of the credits.
If I could have given this unmitigated trash less than 1 star, I would have.
Cloverfield (2008)
Jaw-dropping garbage
How on earth this video rates a 7 is beyond comprehension. Maybe the cast and crew voted it up.
Absolutely nothing happens in the first 20 minutes. Nothing.
The dialog consists of "Oh, man!", "Jesus!", "Oh, my god!", rinse and repeat endlessly.
The special effects consist of waving the camera around and dropping it on the floor.
The finale is 11 minutes of credits. Really, it's not worth wasting your money on a cheap hire. In fact, it's not even worth stealing. It's just so much rubbish, and perhaps one of the worst movies I've ever had the displeasure to see.
The Foreigner (2017)
A spectacular performance
This has to be Jackie Chan's best ever performance. The emotion is not just incredible, the back story reveals why the protagonist (Chan as Quan) behaves as he does; this is the 'buried past' referred to in the story line above. This is quite a rare thing in the movies I've seen recently and it works well here. The acting performances of all the players will have you holding your breath from start to finish, never knowing quite what will happen next, yet nothing is lost.
The makeup is also excellent. For example, throughout the film I wasn't even aware that Pierce Brosnan was in the role of Hennessy. It must've been the beard, spectacles and Irish brogue that put me off the trail.
Political intrigue and revenge are the two closely intertwined threads that turn this film into a complex multi-level story. It's well worth watching more than once however Jacky Chan action fans may be disappointed a little because the film isn't like anything I've seen Chan do before. I'd give this film three thumbs up, but I only have two.
Ten out of ten, and it's on my "watch this film again" list.
David and Goliath (2015)
Pig swill
Simply terrible. This movie is currently sitting at a rating of 6.8. It can only have got that high by being voted up by religious friends of the producers.
There are so many things wrong with this movie that it's difficult to know where to start. The dialog is pantomime-like. The directing is pathetic, and the acting more so. Solomon's commander has a permanent silly grin on his face, Goliath is simply a big and very flabby man, superimposed soldiers hover over semi-arid ground, a Philistine leader trying, and failing miserably, to take off Emperor Palpatine, endless scenes of clouds moving across the sky at Mach 3 and a Roman forearm grasp and shake. For crying out loud, the David and Goliath story supposedly played out millennia before the Romans showed up.
On the plus side, you can always play this video in slow motion, count the sheep and get a good night's sleep.
Piercing Brightness (2013)
Complete and utter rubbish
There is absolutely no plot in this godforsaken trash. None whatsoever. Nor is there any meaningful dialog. However the wardrobe is just out of this world for sheer creativity; especially the woman with Cheerios and Froot-Loops glued to the side of her face.
The ending is just as senseless as the rest of it. This pile of junk rated at 6.2 and now it's down to 5.8.
It can only be surmised that this garbage is being voted down by people actually having viewed the movie after the cast and crew voted it up.
Avoid this moronic trash, unless severe brain pain is an uncontrollable fetish of yours. Seriously, it's bad.
Slow Action (2011)
Rubbish. Rubbish. Rubbish.
Total garbage. Give this stinking pile of trash a wide berth.
How on earth 'Slow Action' managed to rate at it's current 7.5 is beyond comprehension. Bad sound, weird noises, rotten photography, mind-numbing emptiness... It's enough to cause chronic depression.
The IMDb article says this waste of a blank DVD cost 30,000 Pounds to make, but it doesn't say if that's 30,000 Syrian Pounds (SGP), or about $US500. So yes, going by the exceedingly poor quality of this garbage movie, the article must mean the movie's budget was 30,000 Syrian Pounds.
1/10 - a total failure. Avoid at all costs.
Deadly Closure (2010)
This is baaaaaaaaad, in the rotten sense.
Someone wrote, "Bravo!!! Bravo!!! Bravo!!!" Perhaps the person who wrote that was watching a tadpole race.
At not much more than two minutes in there's the worst acting I've seen in years. Some guy playing a character named "Sergeant Carlyle" was desperately trying to put on some kind of weird accent, only he was making a complete dog's breakfast of it. Perhaps he was trying to sound like a Kiwi (New Zealander). Anyway, whatever accent it was, that scene sets the top bar for the rest of the actors in this boring tripe. Sadly, none of the large cast get close to doing any better.
If you want to completely waste one hour and forty minutes of your life then this movie is for you. But mark my words; at three minutes in you'll be hoping that Corporal Janis McKenzie clambers aboard a military aircraft and jumps out from a great height... with a concrete parachute.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011)
Move along! Nothing funny to be seen here! Move along!
Someone wrote, "This is not one to miss."
Oh, yes it is. The bestial opening scene says it all. Give this drivel a wide berth. It's not even worth stealing from a warez site, let alone spending a penny on.
Someone else wrote, "if you don't know how to be goofy and fun then stay away." This movie is neither goofy nor funny. There is goofy and funny, and there's stupid and funny, but this load of bunkum is just stupid, period. Humour is scarcer than rocking-horse droppings. Watching the south end of a north-bound cow in motion is funnier.
Whoever chose to label this godforsaken trash as a comedy needs far more than a sense of humour transplant. I mean, really, what kind of self-respecting person would consider putting their name to this total wreck?
Don't answer that. Just know that P.T. Barnum was right; "There's a sucker born every minute." One or more suckers sank ten million bucks into this dogs' breakfast.
On the plus side, watching the movie is better than getting a slap in the face with a wet fish.
1/10 - Double fail. Not funny. Not goofy. Just downright pathetic.
Dreams Awake (2011)
Seriously Low-budget Garbage
A girl with an inexplicably large chip on her shoulder and a rotten attitude to match, a geeky boy who could pass for solid oak in the wooden-acting stakes, a totally nonsensical story line, gobbledegook dialog, atrocious camera work, utterly inexplicable goings on, with, of all things, a ninja hobo popping in and out of scenes that is reminiscent of a demented Toshiro Mifune on methamphetamine.
The storyline for this offal says "A family drama... a mystical adventure... intense possibilities of the human spirit... magical lore... reality and illusions... life and immortality." Well, truth be told, it's not about any of those things, not by a long shot. But it gets worse. It isn't actually possible to say what this poor excuse for a movie is about, period.
It is beyond all reasonable comprehension to understand how on earth this disjointed rubbish managed to get rated above 2, let alone how it got it's current 7.8. Honestly, with this absolute drivel rating so high on IMDb, I'm inclined to suspect that nefarious doings may have been perpetrated to fudge the numbers; Voting manipulation on a scale to match a Russian election.
Give this complete and utter trash a wide berth. There's more "family drama", "mystical adventure", "intense possibilities of the human spirit", "magical lore", "life" and "immortality" in an I Love Lucy re-run.
1 out of 10, and that's only because the system won't let me rate this effluent any lower.
Aliens vs. Avatars (2011)
How many ways to say rubbish?
Bad, crummy, lousy, bilge, garbage, hogwash, and still there isn't a single word in the English language to describe this badly-acted tripe. Mumbling, squeaks, squeals, blank stares and stupid grins are passed off as dialog. The *cough* "actors" outdo Pinocchio in the wooden acting stakes.
I give this waste of an otherwise perfectly good blank DVD 1/10. If not for the bizarre record attempt to get bare breasts, gross misogyny, references to incest, a person attacked by an alien, a muscled, slow-talking jock professing to be the best friend of a weakling Übergeek, lewd suggestions, virginity-fixation and sexism into the first ten minutes, it would have scored half out of ten. The half being given to the director for having the nerve to actually publish this offal.
If, within fifteen minutes of commencing to view, you don't get the urge to bleach your brain to a crisp or don't feel like running around in demented circles, beating yourself upside the skull with a heavy bat, then please, seek immediate psychiatric intervention.
Warrior (2011)
Nine out of Ten
Normally I reserve my reviews for caustic comment on the fodder churned out by the film industry, but the quality of Warrior has forced me to make an exception.
Not being given to regularly watching violence, I had expected a gratuitously violent movie with shades of Rambo and Rocky but found quite the opposite. The action was very well balanced within the plot; there were no fight scenes just for the sake of having fight scenes. Nevertheless there is sufficient action for those who like to watch a good, gut-churning fight.
The movie isn't about physical strength, it's about our strength, the strength of human nature, and how we deal with life's lessons as individuals to overcome the trials and adversity that life often brings.
The story is so well told that you can feel and understand the emotional pain of the three protagonists.
Unusually, and quite unexpectedly, this is a very good movie. Provided you have a heart, not a mere house-brick swinging nonchalantly on the end of a rope inside your chest cavity, which you try pass off to unsuspecting passers-by as a heart, you'll understand, and probably thoroughly enjoy, the movie's underlying tensions. Best of all, you'll grasp it's real meaning.
I give it 9 out of 10.
Living Will... (2010)
Comedy? This trash?
Whoever decided to promote this rubbish as a comedy needs a sense of humour transplant. Seriously. This waste of an otherwise blank DVD is singularly unfunny.
I read a review on here by a guy claiming to be 'a fellow film maker'. He claims that at some point in the movie, "comedy ensues." He's wrong. There is no comedy in this rubbish. Absolutely none. Not a skerrick of it anywhere.
The same reviewer also claimed "Living Will is going to go very far... You will not be disappointed." Well, yes, I guess it went very far; to the garbage tip after I tossed it into the bin.
As for being disappointed, absolutely no disappointment here at all. In fact, turning this trash off, scouring a huge, deep scratch into the DVD's data/play side with a heavy screwdriver then cutting a pair of fatal puncture wounds into it with a hole punch and a hammer before junking it with the leftovers from dinner was very pleasurable.
I scored this at 2/10. It would have got 1/10 but the 500 millisecond shot of a printed T-shirt carrying a derogatory statement about Sarah Palin saved it.
Love (2011)
Waste of 80 minutes
Don't waste your time or your money on this stray, mangy dog of a video. It's yet another low-budget flick that dresses itself up with the title, trappings and accoutrements of sci-fi but inside there is absolutely nothing sci-fi at all.
Setting aside all the other major issues with this film, such as the long, laborious and seemingly interminable focus on maintaining a space station, and the laughable camera angles that try to simulate weightlessness but fail, there are strangely obtuse, unexplained cuts to unknown men talking. It only becomes obvious what these cuts mean when it dawns on you that you're not really watching a sci-fi video at all. You are in fact watching yet another tawdrily dressed-up drama trying to explore some aspect of human nature.
While the space station set was very good, the whole video could have been shot in a sealed coffin buried six foot under, without lighting of any kind, and still the very same meaning would have come out at the end.
Earthling (2010)
Save your money
This movie is a disjointed mishmash of things that don't make sense: a meaningless opening, constant, meaningless flashbacks and cuts so big you could sail the Queen Mary through them. Depressing background music. Pointless scenes with no rhyme or reason. Fundamental ideas that we've all seen before - obsessive drawing of pictures from Close Encounters, and symbiotes from Stargate, for example.
The holes in the dialog were so big that at one point I had to rewind to watch the run-up to one scene three times to make sure I hadn't missed something. It turns out I hadn't missed anything - it was either another gaping hole in the dialog or the editor went mad and took a meat axe to it.
If the plot got any vaguer this flick wouldn't have one. It's a low-budget, miserable failure. Save yourself the cost of the video hire. Watching paint dry is more entertaining.
Oh, and don't let the mention of Close Encounters or Stargate mislead you into believing this is actually a sci-fi flick. It isn't. It's more of a weird drama that tries to ask "what makes us human?"
Primer (2004)
How did this failure rate so high?
The very fast-paced dialog in this movie makes it extremely hard to follow. The meaningless techno-gobbledegook, surely only thrown in to make it sound like a sci-fi video, makes it even harder to follow.
On reflection, this isn't a science fiction movie. Nor is it a thriller. It's more a drama about the relationship between the two main actors. In fact, the only thrilling part is when the credits roll at the end. Well, not really a thrill, more like a huge relief.
The movie was apparently shot on a $7,000 budget, which isn't bad if you want to take home videos of two people talking to each other, which is all that this movie is, and not much more.
I give it 2 out 10 for the acting only, otherwise it'd be a complete fail. Anyone looking for a good sci-fi or thriller to watch would be advised to consider steering well clear of this garbage.
Battle: New York, Day 2 (2011)
Rubbish
Complete rubbish. Unintelligible gibberish for dialog.
Absolutely rotten acting. The lead actress has a very severe case of rising inflections.
The directing is awful. Film quality is pre-1960 - everything is either green or brown.
The 'special effects' are laughable. Blood stains from gunshots to someone's torso aren't on the torso but visibly inches in front. The blood splatters all have the same spray pattern. A five year old with PhotoShop could have done better.
The highlight of the entire movie was a two second scene of a blank screen and complete silence.