elmerflp Reviews

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2024– )

Incomprehensible, slow, stupid

[1/10 · 5 February 2024]

Watched one hour of the first episode - suffered through it is a better description. Incomprehensible because so much is not explained. Some sort of super secret spy agency is signing these two up for really cool incomprehensible missions to do really mysterious stuff running around New Yawk City. Why anyone would want to suffer wandering around New York is beyond me. Anyway, the very brief action sequences are punctuated by long, slow, boring sequences where the two look at each other and make irritatingly stupid small talk, or sometimes stare at each other and say nothing. James Bond type action and thrills this is definitely NOT. This is the video equivalent of the fatal radio mistake known as "dead air." The one hour show could have been edited down to about 15 minutes.

Prescription: Murder (1968 TV Movie)

Glorious Old LA and Columbo

[8/10 · 5 January 2022]

A wonderful beginning to the Columbo tradition. The most remarkable aspect of this first episode was the house where the red-headed fling of Gene Barry's character lives: she has a jaw-droppingly gorgeous view of LA from her immense pool, obviously high above the actual city of LA. The hilarious part is that the woman who supposedly lives in this house, which would probably sell for 10 million easily in the current LA market, is cast as a "struggling actress."

Rubber (2010)

No, don't do it!

[1/10 · 8 August 2021]

Don't waste your precious time on this turkey. One of the worst films I have ever wasted time on. Might be good if you are stoned out of your mind, just before you pass out. Otherwise this film qualifies as audience abuse. Pretentious. Idiotic. Boring.

Last Year at Marienbad (1961)

You've got to be kidding me at 7.8

[1/10 · 8 August 2021]

"Polarizing" is an apt description. "Last Year Boring Land" would be a better movie title. So much boring, mindless dialogue. Wandering around, striking poses. Pretentious. God-awful. A waste of time for everyone involved, from actors to producers to editors to audience. Horrifically bad, in case you didn't get my drift. Your limited time on this earth is too precious to waste a second of it on this film. Alternatively, may be good if you're stoned out of your mind and about to pass out.

Afternoon Delight (2013)

Free on Pluto, yet overpriced

[1/10 · 14 February 2021]

By that I mean the time you waste watching this pretentious soft-core dreck is far too precious to waste, considering the number of brain cells it kills. I watched part of it since Pluto had it classified as "Comedy," but "Angsty, Cliched Softcore Porn" would be more accurate. A disjointed series of softcore sex scenes with zero humor. The obligatory homosexual is jammed into the plot - in this case a lesbian psychotherapist who breaks down crying at the loss of her lover and seeks comfort from the film's main character, for whom she is supposedly providing therapy - this would be 11/10 on the "unprofessional conduct" scale in real life, so I guess the creators of this awful film considered that "comedy." It gets worse when the four main female characters (excluding the hooker who's plying her trade throughout the movie) get together over wine to discuss their abortions. That's right - the hilarious comedic potential of infanticide! This is the ideal film for a horny adolescent boy, or an angst-ridden female college sophomore.

The Addams Family (2019)

A sorry dud

[2/10 · 18 October 2019]

How anybody could attempt another mining of the rich Addams Family comic vein and come up with something this boring and pathetic is beyond me. Gomez strikes out. Morticia strikes out. Pugsley is mildly funny. Wednesday not so much. The interior-designer villain (Margaux Needler) is dumb. I don't think I got one chuckle from the whole film. Sad.

John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017)

Gruesome, incomprehensible, time-wasting gore-fest

[1/10 · 21 April 2019]

This movie doesn't seem like a movie. It's more like an AVI file created from some stoner playing an assassin video game for two hours. The plot is incomprehensible and poorly explained by the script. Waves and waves of assailants get their brains splattered out the back of their heads by John Wick. There's an occasional knife-fight and stabbing to break the monotony of the brain-splattering bullets. The dog was the most sympathetic and understandable character in the film, and he, of course, has no speaking role. Please don't punish yourself and waste your precious moment of life with this movie. Read a good book instead - preferably with much less brain-splattering

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)

Standard modern rubbish

[2/10 · 21 November 2018]

Well, this is the standard modern special-effects extravaganza, with little else to recommend it. Oodles of characters appear, all without any sort of comprehensible introduction. Or if there is an introduction, it's obliterated by the distraction of the special effects. Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) has mastered the sidelong glance (as opposed to the direct look in the face of the other characters), like Caine (David Caruso) in CSI Miami. None of the characters are as engaging or memorable as those in the original Harry Potter series. JK Rowling has cranked own another lucrative yawner.

Personal Shopper (2016)

Personal Time-Waster

[1/10 · 11 September 2018]

Oh dear, another time-wasting dud of a movie. The sound quality at the beginning of the movie was so bad I though it was a foreign language film at first, and it was all downhill from there. The script operates at a preschool level. There are long stretches where we just see Kristen Stewart floating around, dressed or undressed, staring off into space, riding a scooter, riding on a train, trying on clothes, taking off clothes, etc., etc. I'm still not sure what the point of the movie is. It reminds me of another vapid letdown of a movie from the 60's, Blow-Up. Please, don't inflict this pretentious inanity on your suffering psyche.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

I wish I could give negative stars

[1/10 · 12 August 2018]

The simplest description of this movie would be a live, closed-circuit feed from Hell. There are absolutely no redeeming features to the acting or plot. Just unremitting gross-out butchery. 90 minutes of your life that you can't get back. This far outdoes any other awful movie I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot. It's not even charmingly awful, like Plan Nine From Outer Space. It's just soul-crushingly awful.

Blade Runner 2049 (2017)

Another beautiful but empty movie

[2/10 · 15 October 2017]

This film is like a girl I once dated - a 10 visually, but a 1 for content and meaning. If only I could have understood the plot and the background. If only I could have understood what the actors were saying half the time. It's sad when so much effort (and money) has obviously been expended to create such a beautiful dystopian world. This film was far less comprehensible than the original Blade Runner, and that movie was problematic at best. The whole premise of androids indistinguishable from humans is a bad joke. Humans at their most brilliant will never, ever be able to create something as complex as a real human being. The premise goes downhill from there. One of the central questions in this movie was "Who's a real human and who's an android?" You've got to be kidding me. No android will ever come close to humanity. The human creation will NEVER come close to the work of the Creator. Don't waste your time on this mess.

American Assassin (2017)

Gruesome

[1/10 · 9 October 2017]

Sigh. I was hoping for cool James Bond type spy flick with intrigue and suave repartee between charming protagonists and evil villains. What I got instead was gruesome torture porn, with arms being crushed in vices, fingernails torn out, ears bitten off, electrocution, drowning, beating, etc. Do not take your girl to this movie. She will throw up on your sneakers.

The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)

Not recommended - 11/10 for filthy language

[2/10 · 9 September 2017]

Felt like I needed a good shower after this one. Over the top filthy language, sexual innuendo, torture scenes, etc. The only redeeming feature was the neat chase sequence in Amsterdam (like a Bond flick). Moral relativism. Good villains. Cute bus ride with nuns. Don't waste your time and money.

Prometheus (I) (2012)

Incomprehensible rubbish

[1/10 · 30 July 2017]

Yet another movie that leaves you scratching your head and saying "So?" at the end of the film. Incomprehensible from the get-go, where some alien drinks what appears to be poison and rots away rapidly. What does it mean? If it's that abstruse, what's the message? Is this hinting at the goofy theory of panspermia (life on Earth was seeded by aliens)? So who created the aliens who created life on Earth? Like I say, goofy. Then there's every radical feminist's dream, the scene with the self- administered abortion. Oy Gevalt! What a dog's breakfast.

Into the Woods (2014)

My new awful favorite!

[1/10 · 27 July 2017]

This is refreshing. I now have a new awful "favorite," so awful that at the end of the movie you blink, scratch your head and say "that's it?" This is a movie without a point, a wandering post-modern walkabout in the land of dramatic entropy. No, I did not mean irony, I meant entropy. The movie runs downhill and out of energy like the Heat Death of the universe predicted by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, only you don't have to wait eons of time to witness this entropic death, you get to see it after you have wasted about two hours of your time. The singing is awful, to boot. Truly cringe-worthy. Now I can finally sympathize with my kill-joy father. When my Mom would drag him off to the latest musical, he had a sixth sense about when the singing would start, and he would whisper "Oh no, I think they're about to sing." My reaction exactly to this movie. This movie outdoes many of the great turkeys like Cleopatra and Plan Nine From Outer Space.

Wonder Woman (2017)

A letdown for two reasons

[3/10 · 5 June 2017]

This was an entertaining movie, but I don't think I would recommend it to anyone else, for two reasons. First, the issue of Wonder Woman's powers is very confusing and inconsistent. In this movie, she seemingly starts out as just another Amazonian chick, but ends up flying through the air like Superman. This seems to follow a pattern in her previous comic book and TV incarnations. In some cases, she had to have the glass (invisible) plane to fly, but at other times she could fly alone, like Superman. Secondly, I was disappointed to learn that Wonder Woman's creator, William Moulton Marston, was a seedy, loathsome character (see Wikipedia for the details on his menage a trois and fondness for eugenicist Margaret Sanger). Hopefully this excellent actress, Gal Gadot, will find a better vehicle for her talents in the future.

Hail, Caesar! (2016)

In a class all its own - profound, magnificent and yet funny - one of my all time top ten films!

[10/10 · 21 February 2016]

This movie is a success on so many levels that it is hard to do it justice in a short review, but here goes. Superficially, the film is a light-hearted comedy about the foibles of people in the 1950s Hollywood film industry, which are just glamorized, larger-than-life sins and failings of humans in general - immorality, stupidity, intoxication and the like - magnified by dramatic nature of the movie trade and the secondary, parasitic gossip-publication industry. The real genius of "Hail, Caesar," however, is the way the surface narrative is intricately and artfully interwoven with one of the central struggles of 20th Century history, in a way that is subtle yet deeply moving. This struggle, which continues today, is the battle for the hearts and minds of mankind, a battle between the god of the Almighty Secular State (in this movie, Soviet Communism) and the God of the Bible. The protagonist, Baird Whitlock (played by George Clooney), is an actor kidnapped by a communist cell and held for ransom. He is almost swayed to the communist cause by the persuasive rants of the various cell members (including the detestable Professor Herbert Marcuse, who was a real-life American professor with an incredibly potent, destructive legacy). The "fixer" who works for Whitlock's studio (Eddie Mannix, played brilliantly by Josh Brolin) recovers Whitlock and literally slaps the commie nonsense out of him, restoring him to productive sanity. The three minutes in the movie where a rabbi, a Catholic priest, an Eastern Orthodox priest, and a Protestant minister debate the acceptability of the movie studio's depiction of Christ is comedy gold. Do not miss this movie, especially if you were born after 1970!

Interstellar (2014)

"2001: A Space Odyssey" meets "The Waltons." UGH!

[2/10 · 8 November 2014]

The hype was monumental, so I just had to go see it. Oh the humanity! Oh the Humanism! Oh the special effects! My boy and I left the theater blinking and scratching our heads over the loose ends and the heavy slathering of deep inner meaning which, unfortunately, proved largely incomprehensible for our plebeian minds. Oh well. The similarities to Stanley Kubrick's "2001" were embarrassing at some points, although I assume most current movie goers have not seen this 46-year-old film. Throughout Interstellar, there was a lot of weepy overacting in various attempts to dramatize the effects of relativity on time and the resulting differences in human aging. Then there was the subtle, underlying message that humans are the gods who will rescue humanity. I prefer the capital-g God as my rescuer, thank you. This film was a special-effects extravaganza, but, ultimately, pretty lame.

The Equalizer (2014)

Grisly patchwork of tired themes

[3/10 · 8 November 2014]

This film is not for the faint of heart, due to an unbelievable amount of ultra-violence. For example, Kubrick's "Clockwork Orange" seems like a Disney movie by comparison. Sometimes creativity can be a bad thing, when it documents, in graphic detail, all sorts of choking, pummeling, corkscrew-throat-impaling, shooting, nail-gun killing and the like. Underlying all this creative carnage and dismemberment are many of the tired old themes we have seen before, such as the "peaceful" and contemplative man whipped up into an orgy of blood-letting (Denzel Washington's character), the hooker with a heart of gold (Chloe Grace Moretz's character) and the psychotic Russian mobster (Marton Csokas's character). This is not, I repeat NOT, a good date movie. Consider yourself warned.

Dracula Untold (2014)

Best.Dracula.Movie.Ever!

[10/10 · 31 October 2014]

How this awesome movie ever got past the Politically Correct censors is beyond me, but their blunder is our gain! This is by far the best Dracula movie ever, let alone one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. Here are some of the best features: (1) A strong, patriotic leader (who happens to be Dracula) refuses to submit to a bloodthirsty tyrant, (2) The same leader puts protecting his wife, his family and his people before all else, (3) Heterosexual marriage and family are depicted favorably (sorry, same-sex lunatics will be disappointed) (4) Christianity is depicted favorably, instead of being trashed, (5) Islam is depicted as a bloodthirsty scourge - that would be the Turks in this movie, (6) The action is intense and non-stop, (7) The special effects are terrific, (8) The lead character (Dracula) is a complex mixture of sin and virtue; he makes admirable choices under the circumstances; this is not the blood-drinking, one-dimensional, bodice-ripping monster of all the other Dracula movies; you actually end up rooting for Dracula in this movie, and he prevails! Yes, I realize this movie is NOT true to history. It's historical fiction. Deal with it and ENJOY!

Kill List (2011)

Unintelligible dog's breakfast!

[1/10 · 21 October 2014]

I heard this film was supposedly an excellent horror movie, so I gave it a try. What a mistake. Kill List is an atrocious time killer with no redeeming features. The dialog was probably the most infuriating problem. I realize the actors were talking British English, as opposed to American English, but that's supposed to be a plus. In this case, one third of the dialog was so unintelligible I needed subtitles. Another third was profanity. The final third was almost useless for plot development. The visual aspects of the film were alternately dreary (England's perpetual overcast) and gruesome (bloody torture, slashing, murder, etc.). The only horror in this film was its horrible waste of time. The coven of witches, or collection of devil worshipers, or whatever they were, at the end of the film, was unexplained and inexplicable. Don't waste your time!

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Does not age well AT ALL!

[1/10 · 11 October 2014]

I saw this movie when it first came out and thought it was hip, funny, original, quirky and cool, as did so many of the gushing reviewers who have commented already. The problem for me is that this movie is NOT classic material, because it does not age well. In fact, I could not watch more than ten minutes of it on the second attempted viewing. Perhaps the problem was the fact that I lost count of the number of F-bombs in the first few minutes. When the opening dialog would be incomprehensible if all the obscenities were bleeped, you know you have a problem. When the slutty wife of the rich Lebowski (as opposed to Jeff Bridges' character) offers a "bl*w job" for $1000, it's no longer funny to me - it just makes me squirm. Perhaps I am just becoming stuffy as I grow older, but I don't think so. I think I have a better appreciation of quality, and this movie ain't it.

Lucy (I) (2014)

Please don't waste your time and money

[1/10 · 10 August 2014]

OK, I thought this movie might turn out to be really cool, since I loved Besson's The Fifth Element, and who doesn't like Scarlet Johansson and Morgan Freeman? BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! This movie is a dog's breakfast of CGI special effects, gruesome violence, brief but raunchy animal and human sex clips, explosions, car chases, gun fights, and rehashed indoctrination about Darwinian, dead-as-a-dodo macroevolution.

I have flagged this review as a spoiler alert because I am assuming it is a spoiler to reveal this incomprehensible movie has no real message or plot, so you will be left blinking at the end of the film and saying "That's it? So what is the message?" I am on a mission to spare others from this noxious turkey of a film!

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014)

Must-see and must-buy. You will want to see it over and over!

[10/10 · 4 July 2014]

This is one of those rare movies which is so good on so many levels that the whole family can enjoy it over and over again. The villains are villainous, the heroes are believable and heroic and endearing, and the fun is non-stop. I would put this film in the same class as Matilda and It's a Wonderful Life, i.e. thrilling and uplifting entertainment for everyone, with a generous dose of humor to keep everything from getting too serious. The animation is truly remarkable and fast-paced, including the many flying sequences on the dragons. The creativity is also astounding - there is one sequence in which one animated character imitates the persona of another. Do not miss this movie!

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Jonah Jameson was right! Spiderman is a turkey!

[1/10 · 2 May 2014]

They spent a fortune and ended up with this web-slinging turkey. This is not just your average bad movie. This expensive monstrosity joins that rare club of the really, really expensive ($200 million) and really, really bad, right up there with "Cleopatra," "Pirates of the Caribbean," and "Waterworld." You know it's bad when you have an "action" movie in which the scrawny, goofy, lead actor (Andrew Garfield) spends more time sniveling and moaning and crying and blubbering than the leading lady (Emma Stone) and supporting actress (Sally Field) combined. You know it's bad when you squirm in your seat every time the lead actor contorts his face into another forced attempt to convey noble suffering. You know it's bad when the poor schmuck who's destined to become one of the lead villains climbs precariously over a tank of swarming electric eels, and you squirm in your seat again waiting for him to fall in and change into...wait for it..."Electro." A hole in the head is what you need this movie like.