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badgerbadger104
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Dark Touch (2013)
....Ooooooookay.....
I gave it a six because it's not badly done. I like to check IMDb before watching a movie and if it's a five or above, I'll give it a go. This is worth a watch, albeit not without it's flaws. Plus, I am a sucker for creepy kid movies that are done well.
***SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT*** My review contains spoilers. Read no further if you haven't seen it and do not want any plot reveals.
*Ahem* Are they gone? Good.
This movie was not badly done. The acting was decent. The lighting is done with a dreary, moody, Irish countryside thing going for it. I have no problems with any of the performances or the technical aspects of the film.
HOWEVER.
What. The. Hail.
Niamh/Neve has obviously been through abuse/trauma. I personally felt it hard to muster any real sympathy for her. Thumbs up to the actress who plays her, she was creepy as all get out. You have moments when you feel a tug of sympathy for her. "What horrible parents!" I said to myself. "But she's been through so much, you can't blame her!" I reasoned. "She's doing it because she is locked in panic mode!" I cry to no one, flinging my arms into the air. "She just needs consistency, patience and a loving environment!" I decide, shaking my head.
Nope.
She's withdrawn. Got it, understandable. She doesn't like to be touched. Again, okay with this. She sometimes participates in the real world, occasionally responding to people, at other times staring off into space or just flat out not answering at all. She seems almost normal at times. It's irritatingly inconsistent. (YES, I understand that this behavior can be par for the course which children coming from such backgrounds) It never smells contrived.
...But I found myself thinking "All this kid needs is a good spanking."*
Also, what the hail was up with the lemmings scene at the school??? While I was buying the paranormal episodes up to this point, you know, a la Carrie-Stress-Induced-Panic-Freakout, this was really pushing it. But I stuck with it; I absolutely hate not finishing a movie that doesn't outright suck, and I was looking for some resolution one way or another.
Another nope. Zero resolution. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. No.
I was all "wtf?!!?" when the movie ended.
...Two last things and I will shut up. (Swear. Pinky promise!) It reminds me of two movies:
1. "Carrie" - except you just can't really feel consistent sympathy for Niamh/Neve.
B. "Joshua" - it has the same slow burning infuriating vibe.
* < rolls eyes > I hate that I even feel compelled to add this, but no, I do not advocate/defend child abuse.
Fingerprints (2006)
Meh. Had fun complaining during the movie, though.
Not a COMPLETE waste of time. It is predictable and trite, but I managed to sit through it's entirety. It is almost one of those movies that you love to hate. Almost. In this film there are a few people upon whom I wish ill, and things with which I had serious issues:
High school students? Not believable. College students would have been less of a stretch.
D-Bag kid whose uncle is the chief of police? I wish I could punch people through the internet. His D-Bag girlfriend as well. I was glad you died.
Uncle Chief of Police? Could you make me roll my eyes any harder with your over the top portrayal? I think not.
Lou Diamond Phillips? Your character deserved to die. I liked you in Young Guns and The First Power. This one, not so much.
The parents? Oh. My. God. How can one's performance be simultaneously wooden AND over acted? Think Crispin Glover in "Back to the Future": "Hey... You... ...Get... Your... Damn... Hands... Off... Her." Thanks, Mom. Dad, grow a pair. Seriously. I *did* think of a fitting demise for the pair, though. Dry well, about 40 feet deep. Spikes at the bottom. Mom and dad are tied together with about 20 feet of rope. Mom gets tossed in, and at the rate of 32.2 feet per second, Dad has a little more than a second to actually do something. Which the movie quite clearly established he won't. So, she's impaled, and he gets to die thinking about how he did nothing once again.
This was one of those movies where it is actually more fun to have these sort of discussions during and after. Watch it if you have someone who is amused by your rants.
13 Seconds (2003)
I actually tried to claw out my own eyes.
I do not do movie reviews. Ever. Before this. I am of the same camp of those that found that this movie actually made you angry. So angry that I created this account so that I might warn others away from this horrible waste of how ever many minutes long this was. The cover graphic should have those bad smell lines coming up off of it. The only enjoyable part of having seen this movie? Reading other's reviews. I know that most people end up just picking this up as a rental, having never seen it before. I'm sorry. You are now a part of the sad secret club. Those that have watched this movie. What has been seen cannot be unseen. It's akin to warning others of a pending zombie attack; you have the disbelievers ("oh really now, I'm sure that you're exaggerating"), the rubber neckers ("are you sure? let's just go have a look then."), and the survivors. Chances are, if you are here and reading this, you are one of the battle weary, slightly shell shocked survivors. Welcome, brothers. You are among friends. There will be punch and pie.
I have been sitting here for about half an hour, trying to quantify the amount of displeasure I feel for having been subjected to this movie. To do this without the use of profanity is especially challenging.
There is not a single redeeming thing about this movie.
Someone HAD to have lost a bet. This HAD to have been a wager to see who could create the most overwhelmingly awful movie, covering all aspects. Bad lighting? CHECK. Bad audio? CHECK. Crappy script? CHECK. Special effects that really suck? CHECK. Did we beat all of the cast members with the ugly stick? CHECK. Did you get the girls twice? CHECK. Did we get the dude that thinks he's Emilio Estevez? CHECK. Did all cast members destroy the part of the brain that even allows you to PRETEND to act? CHECK.
Speculation on my part, but I am guessing they blew the entire budget on the straight jacket and the corn syrup for fake blood. The horror teeth look like they came from those coin toy machines just inside the grocery store. The make up looks like papier mache and shoe polish. Or maybe oatmeal. ...And shoe polish. I can't be sure. I didn't care about it enough to look that closely.
WTF - I am really hoping that everyone in this was included because they were all friends; you don't PAY people to do this.
Seriously.
This movie made me want to punch babies. Twice. Who ever provided the funds for this needs to be relieved of all fiscal responsibility. STAT. I even can't think of a suitable punishment for those involved in this film. Something with eggs and toilet paper and warm weather comes to mind. And bitey bugs. Or maybe papier mache... And shoe polish. I can only hope that SOMEONE learned a lesson. But probably not.
To all those responsible for this horrible waste of plastic in the manufacture of this turd, please please PLEASE find something else to occupy your time. Being forced to eat a flaming pineapple with my butt while being maced repeatedly in the face would have been better use of my time. I kept waiting for someone to come up and squeeze a lemon in my eye. Seriously. My cat has taken dumps that were not only scarier, but more expressive. If you really feel the need to watch this cinematic horror, which it truly is, perhaps I can save you the rental fee in my suggesting that you simply stand next to an overfilled restaurant dumpster after a day of rain, in the summertime heat and just stomp the squishy rotting things in your socks. Or as a deterrent, hit yourself in the face with a frying pan. ...It works in cartoons.
To borrow a line from Venture Bros' Dean: "You should see a doctor, it smells like you pounded garbage into your butt!"
tldr; I wish I could unsee this.