kumanoken Reviews

New Fist of the North Star (2003–2004)

THE GODAWFUL FINAL CHAPTER

[14 November 2004]

The third and final chapter of the new Hokuto No Ken is a crushing bore and a staggering disappointment for fans. The one thing that you could always depend on the '80's original for was a ton of ultra-violent martial arts action in each installment, and those responsible for the current version have completely forgotten forgotten that golden rule. The final hour-long segment is virtually nothing but a festival of talking heads engaged in uninvolving and boring dialogue, and the raison d'etre of the series, the fighting, does not turn up until the last five minutes, by which time the audience has lost both patience and interest. Adding insult to injury is the fact that the battle that is supposed to offer a satisfying climax is a stone-cold dud in which the villain is no challenge for Kenshiro whatsoever.

The bottom line on this one is that even if you, like me, are a hardcore North Star fan you should avoid this DVD at all costs; by the end of this installment my eyes were fighting to stay open (a far more compelling fight than anything found in the story) and when it was over I napped out for a couple of hours despite having had a full night of sleep. If this crap is what may await fans in future entries, I sincerely hope that just let Kenshiro stay dormant until someone has a decent idea for any continuations.

Seriously, folks, SHIN HOKUTO NO KEN is a massive failure all around; from the ugly character designs and dearth of action to the awful soundtrack and sheer boredom of the plot, this just plain sucks. Next to the obscure Chinese live action version from the late 1980's (not the version where Gary Daniels plays Kenshiro and Malcolm McDowell whores himself out yet again), this is the darkest chapter in the history of HOKUTO NO KEN adaptations. AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

THE FUTURE AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE

[17 September 2004]

WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

I'll get right to the point: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow is a film best enjoyed on the big screen for its spectacularly realized world and effects. Other than that it is an odd duck indeed, and while by no means a bad movie, it is not for all tastes; if you're going to it expecting thrills you just may be disappointed.

Now that I have that out of the way here are the reasons for my opinion, but be warned for HERE THERE BE SPOILERS.

Let's break it down, plot first and then individual points of interest. The story is set in a color/sepia-toned 1939 that evokes the look and feel of classic movie serials and involves relentless gal reporter Polly Perkins' (Gwyneth Paltrow, looking incredibly old-school movie starrish in her late-1930's couture and Veronica Lake-esque hair) investigation into the mysterious disappearances of several renowned German scientists, an investigation that hands her more than she ever bargained for when eighty-foot robots show up in midtown Manhattan to cause massive destruction. To quell this mechanical invasion, H. Joe 'Sky Captain' Sullivan (Jude Law) is called into action and he arrives tearing out of the clouds in his kickass fighter plane. It is soon revealed that Joe and Polly once had a thing going and neither fully trusts the other, but they nonetheless team up to find out what's up with the giant robots. It all hits the fan when Sky Captain's base (which is apparently off the coast of Manhattan somewhere) is decimated by yet more robots who abduct Joe's resident engineer/mechanical genius, Dex (Giovanni Ribisi), and the trail leads to an international chase fraught with carnage, hidden civilizations, cool gadgets, dinosaurs, old friends and a mad scientist's bonkers master plan to save the world from itself, a plan that will incidentally destroy the world.

If handled with some real verve this could have been the best modern 'serial' movie since Raiders of the Lost Ark, which this film is being inaccurately compared to, since it in no way delivers thrills like that film did. But enough of that, here are some points of interest, both good and bad:

• Sky Captain is presented as a Blackhawk-like leader of a mercenary air force for hire, yet there is no explanation of how he's able to do what he does and why. He's basically a good guy, but it's hinted at that he has engaged in international activities of a somewhat questionable nature. There's little to his character other than the fact that he's the required serial-type hero who needs to look good and doggedly pursue the bad guys and save the day, and that's a shame; you will not be able to say anything about this guy after the movie is over other than the fact that he can fly a plane and is handsome.

• For all intents and purposes Polly Perkins is Lois Lane with a bleach job, very much modeled after Lois in the 1940's Fleischer Brothers Superman cartoons, and she hits all the right notes for such a character. And speaking of the old Superman cartoons, the robots are clearly a love letter to Max Fleischer's second short in that celebrated series, 'The Mechanical Monsters.'

• Dex is arguably the most fun character in the film and the fact that he has relatively little screen time and actual involvement in the story is lamentable. He also comes up with a ray gun that is everything that an old-school sci-fi ray should be; when you see it you'll know what I mean. I want one!

• The mysterious villain Dr. Totenkopf (break out your German-to-English dictionaries, kiddies) is brought to life through archival footage of Sir Laurence Olivier, a move that will be fun for film geeks but will go over the heads of younger filmgoers. It's also a move that makes me wonder about its implications: what's next, John Wayne's new Western? Abbott and Costello teaming up with Cheech and Chong? In other words, 'Eff you, Screen Actor's Guild!' I've heard tell of a rumored CGI Bruce Lee movie, a thought that makes me cringe, so we'll see if Olivier-from-beyond-the-grave launches a trend that is tantamount to cinematic necrophilia.

• A couple of interesting bits for giant monster fans: we get a glimpse of a Japanese front page newspaper headline that includes a picture of what appears to be Godzilla, and as Sky Captain and Polly make their way to Dr. Totenkopf's uncharted island we see the underwater wreckage of a freighter named the Venture, complete with a gigantic wrecked cage on its deck; this is the boat that hauled King Kong's hairy butt to new York, so one can conclude that the lost Island was once the mighty ape's home. Joe and Polly even encounter a number of prehistoric critters and cross the fallen tree bridge over the precipice into which Kong shook those unfortunate sailors to their horrifying deaths.

• Angelina Jolie shows up as Captain Francesca 'Franky' Cook, who is for all intents and purposes Marvel Comics hero Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. as a hot chick in a fetching fascist uniform, complete with eye patch and 1939 version of the flying helicarrier base (whose on screen look also owes a considerable debt to Cloudbase from Gerry Anderson's Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons). Much like Dex, Franky is incredibly cool and fun yet she has very limited time on screen.

• The visuals are absolutely incredible and really will not survive the transition to the small screen. All things on display here are writ large and the whole thing has a seriously epic scope, so if you intend to see this film do not wait for DVD.

• Epic scope notwithstanding, the film is curiously disconnected from its own material; sequences which have all the elements for slam-bang entertainment, such as cool dogfights with vast squadrons of all manner of aircraft seem uninvolving and cold, even when coupled with a score that is designed to get your adrenaline going just are not the exciting roller coaster ride that writer/director Kerry Conran was striving to achieve. It isn't boring, but it has an odd dreamlike feel, almost like the viewer is walking through a hazy dreamscape, and due to the lack of much real info as to who exactly these characters are it's like coming in on chapter eight of a thirteen part serial.

• The 'world of tomorrow' of the title does not refer to the story's environment, but rather the cockamamie plan of Dr. Totenkopf, a plan that makes no sense whatsoever. The guy has built a space ark that contains two of every animal in the world and he intends to send it into outer space, presumably to another planet on which he would build a new world. The snag here is that exactly where this new planet would be is never mentioned, and for some unexplained reason when the ark breaks through the stratosphere it will cause a chain reaction that cause the Earth to perish in a fiery holocaust. Why?

• The key to all of this, and the catalyst for all the abductions and giant robot carnage are two vials that are described as 'Adam and Eve,' but exactly what that means is not explained. This is also somewhat amusing since the robots are destroying everything in sight for what appear to be a couple of silver gentle-glide tampon applicators (I wasn't alone in thinking this as was evidenced by the titters of other audience members, most of whom were women).

Bottom line: there are far worse ways to kill an afternoon than Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and we can only hope that if the film does well enough to warrant a sequel they will delve once more into Buck Rogers territory but with a firmer finger on the pulse of what makes a film of this type exciting.

The Challenge of the Lady Ninja (1983)

Sheer ridiculous fun

[16 August 2004]

As a rule, even though I am a dyed-in-the-wool hardcore fan of martial arts films, I have to go on record and state that I have a blazing hatred for ninja movies. Good movies about ninjas are few and far between, such as Super Ninjas, the Kozure Okami (Lone Wolf and Cub) series and the outstanding Challenge of the Ninja (aka Shaolin Challenges Ninja), so when you find a good one, cherish it. Most of the others are simply mediocre like the suckass Sho Kosugi flicks of the 1980's (Revenge of the Ninja, Enter the Ninja and others), or else just awful like the Swedish-made Ninja Mission, one of the handful of films that I have walked out on. Then there are films like Challenge of the Lady Ninja. This film is an unmitigated turdstorm, replete with horrid dubbing, a ridiculous plot, martial skills that veer toward the superhuman, and camera-work that makes one ask if it was lensed by Stevie Wonder. That said, it stars Chia Ling as a Chinese woman who somehow joins a clan of Japanese ninja and masters their skills. Chia Ling can throw down with the best of them (as seen in the unjustly ignored classic 13 Evil Bandits, aka Against the Drunken Cat Paws), looks terrific in a red ninja outfit, and is lots of fun to watch here, but the real selling point here is the fact that Challenge of the Lady Ninja is the martial arts film that Ed Wood might have made if he were still alive. This is in many ways the Plan Nine from Outer Space of kung fu films (and there are a lot of strong contenders for that dubious honor), what with a painful script, terrible acting and my favorite element: despite the fact that the story takes place in World War II, we see 1970's Cadillacs as period automobiles. The plot is utterly beside the point; just sit there in amazement as the film unfolds and realize that it is practically impossible to intentionally make a bad movie that is as entertaining as this one.

The Butterfly Effect (2004)

Ignore the critics!!!

[12 July 2004]

I just sat through the DVD of THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT and have to say that the critics can kiss my beige ass. I know that those f**kheads jumped all over Ashton Kutcher's performance - and to be fair, I ragged on him without having seen the film - , and while he's no Olivier that ain't the point. The story is what reigns here, and it comes off as an R-rated "Twilight Zone" story. I don't love the film, but I do really like it a lot, and I urge you to give it a chance.

Yeah, there's the whole skewed time travel angle of the story in which the protagonist attempts to correct some very dark crap that happened in his past (and, more importantly, the past of a couple of his friends), but what really grabbed me was the utter horror of the childhood experiences that scarred the hero and his friends; growing up in the suburbs is a frightening experience for some kids, and for a locale that parents bring children to for potential family safety they really have no clue as to what kinds of adventures their kids can have, either at home, at friend's houses or through mischief of their own device. The events that shape the pre-altered realities of the main characters are balls-out awful and I don't recommend the film to all audiences, but at least the worst bits are mostly strongly implied rather than explicitly shown; trust me, when kids are involved that's a good thing, because the crap really is that bad.

So the bottom line is that you should check it out, and after you see it flip the DVD and watch the director's cut with commentary from the writer and director. If you come away from the theatrical release a little cold, the director's cut/commentary version will majorly sway you like it did me. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Kill Bill: Vol. 2 (2004)

OH, THERE'S THE PLOT!

[15 April 2004]

Let's cut right to the chase: Kill Bill Vol. 2 effin' rocks so I suggest that you stop shooing the flies away from your greasy grand-pappy, get off of your ass and storm the local multiplex right now. This flick delivers the goods in spades and you won't find a more entertaining film out at the moment. So here come the spoilers, kiddies!

For those of you who may have missed the first film, the story involves the quest for vengeance by the Bride (Uma Thurman) against a group of international assassins - lead by the nefarious Bill (David Carradine) - who brutally murdered her entire wedding party yet failed to kill her knocked-up ass and ended up plunging her into a four-year coma. Upon waking, our heroine is understandably unamused by this turn of events and proceeds to get herself back into fighting shape, obtains a forged-by-a-master samurai sword that makes weapons aficionados go weak in the knees, and hands out bloody ass-whuppings like they were complementary after-dinner mints. During the course of the over-abundantly film-referenced bloodshed she dispatches two of the five scumbags who conspired to make her take the premature dirt nap (namely Viveca A. Fox and Lucy Liu) along with a small sword-wielding army of yakuza cannon fodder, and does this without much benefit from a plot - but what the hey; when you have such a surplus of bloodshed and action, to say nothing of appearances by beloved grindhouse stars from days gone by, you're bound to make all of the old-school exploitation/martial arts film junkies happy anyway. At the end of the first installment, the audience is let in on a vital piece of information that our blonde warrior doesn't have: her presumed-dead daughter is still alive.

When Vol. 2 starts off, the Bride is en route to stuff her trusty sword where the sun don't shine in Bill's alcoholic redneck loser of a brother, Budd (Michael Madsen), make monocular blonde bombshell Elle Driver (Daryl Hannah) deader than Steven Seagal's career, and settle Bill's evil hash once and for all. Yet in a surprising turn of events, whereas one might have been lead to believe that this half of the film would be nothing more than another, non-stop stream of beheadings, limb-removals and whatnot, Quentin Tarantino returns to form not seen since the criminally-underrated Jackie Brown and provides us with a seriously character-driven story full of fascinating looks into the heads of the remaining players. To reveal more of the plot would be as criminal as Bill himself, so I'll leave you with a few thoughts:

-Uma Thurman's performance intensifies with each encounter, and the final half hour is enough to test even a badass like the Bride (who is finally called by name).

-Old-school Shaw Brothers kung fu movie addicts will be happier than Liza Minelli at singles night at the Stage Door Canteen when they witness `The Cruel Tutelage of Pai Mei.' I herewith beg Quentin to expand on his use of the legendary character of Pai Mei in a future film since Gordon Liu completely steals this sequence NOTE: if you are unfamiliar with Liu's impressive body of work in Shaw Brothers kung fu epics of the seventies and eighties allow me to recommend Shaolin Master Killer, Shaolin Challenges Ninja and The Pole Fighters. Winners all, and not hard to find at rental stores, although you may want to look them up on the IMDB since they go by a number of titles.

-Fair warning: claustrophobics beware!

-The battle between the Bride and Elle Driver (Darryl Hannah) is the most violent, jaw-droppingly ass-kicking throwdown I've seen in a long time and instantly joins the ranks of the best cat-fights in film history; it had an audience full of hardened New York City exploitation movie veterans jumping out of their seats, cringing from blows that you practically feel and shouting out every shocked expletive known to man.

-Bill may be a murdering son of a bitch, but he has his reasons for what he did to the Bride.

-Stay through the end credits for a little behind-the-scenes fun.

Whereas the first Kill Bill was Tarantino shamelessly shoving his world-class film geekery down our throats and basically indulging in what amounted to a cavalcade of directorial masturbation, Vol. 2 is a lot more sure of itself and stands as a solid piece of storytelling. The fact that Miramax saw fit to halve the film is proof that there are still occasional examples of sound thinking from a major film studio; if released as a whole work, Kill Bill would have clocked in at close to four-and-a-half hours and been examined to death with a probable diagnosis as a schizophrenic piece, unsure of whether it wanted to be a mindlessly violent thrill ride or a well-written action film with a lot more surprising depth than one would expect. Few directors can make such a lengthy film work, and Tarantino sure as hell is not Kurosawa, so as two volumes it works quite well, with Vol. 1 being the full-length setup and Vol. 2 serving as the extremely satisfying payoff to the origin of a character who may go on to become one of the defining female heroes in cinema. Well done, Q.T., and though the two films may be the most blatant love letter to a favorite leading lady (and her feet) ever released, your love for Uma sure as hell ain't sappy. Let's see what you've got for us next, you crescent-moon-faced lunatic!

Prince Planet (1965–1966)

FROM THE EARLY DAYS OF IMPORTED ANIME

[31 March 2004]

Unlike most of the anime that made its way to the states back in the 1960's, I never saw this one as a kid. I first saw it via a terrible quality VHS tape obtained at a convention in the 1990's and finally saw decent prints of it recently since a couple of episodes are included on the Something Weird Video STARMAN discs. Basically the adventures of a benevolent teen alien hero who has come to Earth to pretty much save us from ourselves, this series has a real charm which is sorely lacking in most cartoons produced nowadays. However, I have found that most of the old anime shows that we used to watch back in the days are simply too primitive to hold the interest of most contemporary children. Oh well, it's fun stuff, and now you know where to find a couple of episodes.

Hellboy (2004)

FAITHFUL BUT UNINVOLVING

[27 March 2004]

Ever since I was a tiny, wee kid I have loved me some monsters. The way other kids immersed themselves in baseball statistics or worship of the Bay City Rollers I spent innumerable hours poring over mythology, folklore, horror comics and monster movies; anything, so long as it contained my beloved monsters (well, maybe not Frankenberry, Count Chocula and the now-forgotten Fruit Brute). In fact, my earliest memory of a movie is that infamous celluloid horse turd The Giant Gila Monster, and shortly after that during my fifth year I got hooked on the West coast's version of Creature Features, hosted by that friend and mentor to all of us monster kids, the late Bob Wilkins. In that magical year I was exposed to Son of Godzilla, The Killer Shrews and The Navy Versus the Night Monsters, not great cinema perhaps, but they all delivered the goods to my eagerly waiting mind. Bottom line: if a movie can hand me a healthy dose of improbable critters on the loose, I'm there. So off I went to see an advance screening of the movie adaptation of Mike Mignola's Hellboy comics, secure in the knowledge that the screen would soon be flush with fantastic beasties both opposing and defending us weak, soft humans.

The rather faithful film version begins in Scotland, 1944 as those pesky Nazis and a seemingly unkillable Russian sorcerer attempt to open a portal into our dimension, through which they hope to summon Lovecraftian elder gods who will destroy the world and lead to some sort of new Eden with the bad guys in control. A group of Allied soldiers and a British expert on the paranormal thwart the summoning, but soon come to realize that something made it through the doorway before it closed. That something is a cute little red demon that is quickly named Hellboy and raised to fight on the side of the angels.

Hellboy grows up to be one seriously ass-kicking BMF (played well by Ron Perlman of TV's Beauty and the Beast), surrounded by fellow paranormal heroes in the employ of the secret Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense, so when the unkillable sorcerer and his seig heiling cronies show up again in the present day the Earth has champions who are at the ready, highly trained, armed to the teeth with both technology and superhuman powers, and a fearlessness that enters into territory best described as suicidal. Throw in major throwdowns with tenacious man eating demons, a crazed clockwork cyborg, an irascible talking corpse, a jealousy-fueled romantic subplot and an impending apocalypse frought with Cthulhuoid wigglies and you have a recipe for a monster fan's Nirvana at the cinema, no?

No.

HELLBOY brings a lot to the plate and if taken as simply a cornucopia of monsters and neat stuff to look at it succeeds in spades; in fact there are a lot of good character bits to found here as well. However, the sum total is yet another overlong origin movie that has a certain sense of detachment from both its audience and its own material. For the most part the film comes to a dead halt when monsters aren't kicking each other's asses in an orgy of special effects and that's a real stumbling block for the first installment of a potential franchise. I'm predicting a strong opening weekend, but much like THE HULK word of mouth could prove to be lethal. But then again, special effects have become such a crowd pleaser over the years that some films have been able to rake in megabucks despite having nothing else to offer the filmgoer, with the current run of misbegotten Star Wars movies as a tragic case in point.

On the plus side, we get to see what an insecure guy Hellboy is when not out kicking ass as evidenced by his contentious relationship with his adoptive father (John Hurt) and his concerns about whether the sultry pyrokinetic whom he deeply loves (Selma Blair) is falling for the new kid from the FBI (Rupert Evans). And resident psychic gill man Abe Sapien (Doug Jones, voiced by Frasier's David Hyde Pierce) is a joy to behold in all of his amphibian glory, all huge black eyes and sweet, erudite voice. But hey, give me a gill man and you have a very happy viewer.

So my bottom line on HELLBOY is that while not bad it's not as involving as it could have been. It's worth seeing on the big screen for the abundant eye candy, but that's about it. And at two hours and twelve minutes in length it's a bit of a long haul without a few bong hits in you.

Lensman (1984)

LUSH SPACE OPERA

[27 March 2004]

I first saw LENSMAN on an untranslated VHS copy sometime around 1987 and it has been a favorite since. During the brief period in the early 1990's when Streamline films distributed several Japanese animated films theatrically (LENSMAN, THE PROFESSIONAL: GOLGO 13 and FIST OF THE NORTH STAR) I was also fortunate to see this on the big screen, and let me tell you that the visuals are spectacular when seen in the format for which they were created. The colors and early computer graphics almost leap from the screen and I can only imagine what it would have been like had I seen this during my misspent days of doing mushrooms and going to the movies (as you can pretty well imagine, seeing ALIENS on opening night in that state was quite an experience!).

Now that DVD is conquering the home video world, I not only want to see LENSMAN get an extras-loaded release, I also want to get my hands on the companion television series that aired around the time the movie came out. It isn't listed on the IMDB, but it does exist; I have only seen one episode, and that was a poor quality untranslated copy, but it was every bit as entertaining as the feature. And it had a kickass theme song, too!

Rock Follies of '77 (1977)

WHY ISN'T THIS ON DVD?

[28 February 2004]

This ran in the US as "The Rock Follies" on Public Television and is probably the best dramatic series ever made about the rock industry. It followed the rise and inevitable disintegration of a female pop trio called the Little Ladies (not the Follies as described in the previous comments) and was totally unflinching in its portrayal of the greed, sleaze, egos, illicit sex and drugs and all of the stuff that goes with rock stardom, particularly 1970's rock stardom. The songs themselves are seen in fairly elaborate production numbers and are pretty weak (except for the ass-kicking theme song found at the start of each episode and heard in its entirety at the end of the series), but if this comes on again, do not miss it. It's 13 60 minute episodes long so have the necessary number of tapes at the ready! And if you recall those ads i the late 1970's with a woman turning to the camera and proclaiming "I'm Rula Lenska," this is where you can finally answer the question "Who the #*&@ is Rula Lenska?"

New Fist of the North Star (2003–2004)

The second chapter isn't all that.

[30 October 2003]

After a brief recap of chapter one, Kenshiro's latest adventure continues: Ken must get medical supplies to save the young water-maker from death within two days, but he must take on the deadly dwellers of a forbidden mountain to get what is needed. The cliffdwellers fight with a style similar to Ken's, and they prove to be guardians of a grave secret...

Back at the city of Lastland the vanquished dictator Sanga is replaced by the bitter Seiji, a man whose evil is rooted in his tragic childhood. Sara the healer looks to be the target of rape by Seiji; will she escape his lustful clutches? And what will happen to the people of Lastland when Seiji orders his army to kill all who oppose him, in other words the entire population? TO BE CONTINUED (if you bother to stay awake.

The Great Yokai War (1968)

Japanese mythological critters on the loose!

[18 September 2003]

As a fan of world mythology and Japanese monsters/legends, this film was right up my alley. The monsters look exactly like they do in the old woodblock prints and watercolor paintings that depict them, and kids will totally dig this (if they have the patience for subtitles).

Strangely, the monsters that I'm familiar with from the old stories seem to be pretty friendly in this film. For example, the water demon-a kappa as he's known in Japan-is rather nice, but his type of demon are known for preying on people and horses. They love to eat fresh livers, which they obtain by reaching up the victim's anus and ripping out the tasty organ. Now THAT would have been interesting to see done

New Fist of the North Star (2003–2004)

Kenshiro is back, so you'd better come correct!

[28 August 2003]

If you're reading this review you are probably a fan of Fist of the North Star. Having run for two TV series (totaling 148 episodes) in the 1980's, and three feature films (one animated, two live-action; trust me and skip the little-seen Taiwanese version) it has had a strong cult following for quite some time, and a resurgence was inevitable. Shin Hokuto No Ken Chapter 1: The Cursed Street is part one of a three-part direct to DVD series that continues the adventures of Kenshiro, successor to the super-humanly lethal martial art of Hokuto Shinken. He's still wandering the post-apocalyptic wastelands and handing out ass-whuppings to evildoers while helping the downtrodden. It's anyone's guess as to how soon this is going to become readily available in an American edition (although you can find it subtitled on the Web), so without further ado: SPOILER WARNING!!! Kenshiro comes across a group of villagers who are being wiped out by the requisite biker scum who populate the series. After swiftly dispatching the bad guys (in extra-gory fashion that -unlike the animated feature-is not blurred out), he takes the lone survivor to "Miracle Village" for treatment by a beautiful healer named Sara. She can heal even the most dire of wounds using a technique similar to the healing techniques of Kenshiro's discipline, and this leads to her kidnapping by the villains from "Lastland". The ruler of Lastland, Sanga, claims that a god lives there, and the god can create uncontaminated water with a mere gesture, so having a healer of Sara's ability only puts icing on the proverbial cake. Sadly, if you want any of the holy water, you have to willing to utterly subjugate yourself to a lifetime of slavery. Needless to say, Ken decides to rescue Sara and the alleged god (a kid who is more than he seems), and more ass-whuppin' ensues. TO BE CONTINUED. Overall, not a bad first installment, but one plot point depends on the viewer's familiarity with the original comic series since it deals with material not covered in any of the previous adaptations. This has to do with the son of Kenshiro's brother/arch-rival, a boy named Ruu. Long story short: the kid may some day grow up to be the new Hokuto Shinken successor. Other than a mention of this in flashback, Ruu is nowhere to be seen in this installment, but will hopefully pop up in the subsequent chapters. The animation is better than that of the TV series (but not the animated feature), and as previously stated it delivers the gory goods in the two fight scenes.

Lessons for an Assassin (2003)

"Bruce Lee's Legacy Lives On?" Don't be fooled!!!

[7 August 2003]

This is the first movie where I have actually felt the urge to ask for

my rental money back, and those of you who know me as former IMDB poster

El Buncho know that I am no stranger to bad movies. This film was simply

that bad.

First of all, I rented this because Shannon Lee (Bruce's little girl,

who is now a serious hottie) is top billed and featured on the box.

Sure, she hasn't made any good films yet, but hope springs eternal. She

has talent, but she needs a script! And she really has very little to do

with the film. This is unfortunately a starring vehicle for Robert

Vitelli (who???), a charisma-free void of a non-actor whose martial

skills are marginal at best. Films that purport to be martial arts films

should at least be able to deliver on the butt-kicking, but this will

make the viewer want to do a bit of butt-kicking on their own (directed

at most of the people involved in this mess).

The plot is a convoluted ripoff of "La Femme Nikita" with Vitelli in the

Nikita role, and the incredibly uninvolving story just lurches along

until it reaches a ludicrous twist ending. And we also are treated to

appearances by two Star Trek actors: Michael "Worf" Dorn and the guy who

plays Dr. Phlox on "Enterprise."

And the final kick in the mouth is that this DVD bears the blasphemous

tag-line "Bruce Lee's legacy lives on." I'm not even related to the guy,

and I was offended for the entire Lee family! Avoid this at all costs;

there is simply no entertainment to be found

Atomic Rulers (1965 TV Movie)

Here comes the creature made of the strongest steel!

[7 August 2003]

Ah, Starman. Clearly influenced by the b/w "Adventures of Superman"

series, and possibly the Republic serial "The Adventures of Captain

Marvel," these flicks are good, old-fashioned fun. The only bummer is

that this first installment is very, very dull and doesn't feature the

loony aliens that would make the later entries so memorable. Instead our

hero goes up against guys in suits and fedoras.

You can afford to miss this one, but don't miss "Evil Brain From Outer

Space" and the ultra-surreal "Invaders From Space," which features

Starman thwarting the salamander-men of the planet Pulimon (you will not

believe their modern dance troupe of doom). And the DVDs are loaded with

extra goodies, including episodes of the long-forgotten b/w Japanese

cartoon "Prince Planet" which is a hell of a lot more fun than I

remembered