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eirecat
Reviews
Come Back to Me (2014)
I guess, if anything, I will be known for *Spoilers: This sucks* So...Spoilers: this sucks. Now, here's why
Ugh. Just...ugh. The conventions of B grade horror are not difficult. That's why we're all so forgiving. We love to see it. Even when the acting is bad and the effects are laughable. But god...the worst part of this joke of a movie...
Moloch, this is the paste-eating kid of the horror genre when his proud Non-bi-lateral chromosomal gene donor goes on about how he'll probably be president some day. Woof. I'm too mad to sound reasonable.
I am so mad at the time I lost on this movie that I have to force myself to bring it down to two terse notes.
Alright. #1: Making the poor, emotionally abused small human thing who grew up to be a slightly awkward adult human thing the abject villain is just...terrible. Don't do that. Spoilers: That's what happens.
#2 I find it almost helplessly hilarious that a movie available through a certain company that starts with "N" maybe has pretty much the same "Baby through 'having loving intercourse with someone that does not want you to have loving intercourse with them' that I didn't know about because ghosts or something!" that is kind of...a huge plot point in two out of the three current big original series of a certain company that may or may not provide direct to download services and start with an N!. Seriously, Netflix, dude. Just write some hot and heavy wife swapping fan fiction or wallaby off. It's getting creepy.
((*sigh* Guys, it would really help if you would highlight the problem words and not just tell me that something is vaguely wrong. I sound like a tin skeleton.))
Twixt (2011)
It's....Kind of Pretty?
Anyone who is confused about what this film is about is an idiot. I said it. You heard me. It's pasted all over the dang film, no matter how many dutch angles Coppola wants to throw in to try and upset easily frightened people.
It's revealed in a very early line from Val "Unfortunately Fat in His Later Years" Kilmer's character Baltimore. He's talking to his wife through Skype. Because apparently he can afford a Macbook but not a cellphone. And he says he wants to write a book for himself. Not the crap witch bidness he's been pretending to know about for the last ten (?) years. Dear old Frankie wanted to make a movie for himself and it's going to be weird as heck and Eff yoo, A-hole.
This movie is about an author who wants to separate himself from the "Death of the Author" idea but still make a paycheck. Heckadawsh, Val even has Sheriff "I don't need the paycheck but I love it" Berns call him out as a "Third tier Steven King". He knows he is and he don't give a flying dookie at least not yet.
This movie is entirely about the creative process. How an author creates a story largely independent of a profit-driven business. For whatever weird reason, it also has some beautiful cinematography. The pale shots of Virginia in her taffeta, the stark reds of the carpets in the hotel, the weird changing of colors for the whiskey, the odd illumination affects in anything that was a light source...beautiful.
...but also left me thinking Kyle MacLachlan was about to saunter out and ask about the coffee.
Sometimes they tie his arms back, I hear. But the coffee is damn good. And hot!!
The Reeds (2010)
There's a Reason Some Clichés are Clichés
**Massive spoiler warning, because I'm about to lay some science down on y'all** I'm gonna get verbose in this, so for you tl;dr (too long, didn't read)folks out there, I'm going to start with this: are you a fan of classic horror films? This one is worth a shot. Not great, but eminently watchable for a lazy Sunday or a super drunk Saturday. That's all you need to know. The end.
Still with me? I doubt it. But in case you are, I'm going to tell you why a horror snob such as myself actually found a lot to enjoy in this one.
To begin with, the setup is incredibly stock. Six Londoner friends (and initially I was confused because I didn't remember Bill Pullman ever starring in a British film, but then I remembered that he was actually in the other movie I was considering watching and not this one), evenly divided between three girls and three guys: two couples and an 'oooh are they going to be a couple?? teehee!' set out on a weekend getaway in the Norfolk Sounds. Yaaaaay swampy rivers and reeds and...well, who am I to judge. Booze makes everything better I guess.
And then the buildup is incredibly stock. You have the spoooky harbinger who makes sure to mention that some lousy Gypo (I swear I'm not racist, that's the word he uses, oh god I'm so sorry)kids messed up the boat the couples were renting, so he has nothing for them. Except maybe this one boat way out at his other rental place in the middle of nowhere! *dun dun dun* And so on the common structure of such a movie unfolds. The asshole is an asshole, the long-suffering girlfriend is long-suffering, the virgin couple with chemistry is...chemistry...ish. Strange things start to happen. Visions without clear meaning, spooky sounds and then people start dying. In gory, messy ways. The asshole is first. Spoilers.
And don't get me wrong. There's something a little tired about most of these deaths for a horror buff, but bear with me. A mystery starts unfolding and honestly, if you're still reading, you've seen this mystery before. I've seen it at least six or seven times. It's not all that hard to figure out. So, why did I like it? Let me bring you back. Every trope we have in writing, in drama, in poetry, in song, comes from somewhere. And there is a reason they were influential in their times. Everything from the 17th century Germanic Romantic hero to Joseph Campbell's Hero With a Thousand Faces were influential not just because their ideas were sound, but also because their ideas resonated with their audiences.
Need it laid out? A lot of the horror tropes of our time: haunted pasts, sins of the father, vengeful ghosts, hell, even jump scares, came about because they had impact. What this film does, low budget and dime-a-dozen as it may seem, is take those tropes and use them effectively. It might not make them new again, but honestly it does them so well that I didn't care that they weren't new. And for B grade horror...that's pretty impressive.
I've seen this story a million times, but I was still interested...if not precisely on the edge of my seat. This movie takes some old and tired tropes and makes them work, almost like they were still at the apex of their inspiration. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and you'll have an entirely different experience from me, but I honestly believe this film deserves a see from people who love the genre. You won't see anything new, but you may see something worth seeing in something considered 'old hat'.
Oh. One more thing. You goobers who found the ending too 'ambiguous'...the flash of black over a living character's eyes represents the force of Gnosis. Duh.
Rites of Spring (2011)
Don't Bother if You Have a Brain in Your Head
*SPOILERS FOLLOW!* *THIS MOVIE SUCKS!* *THAT'S THE SPOILER!* A lot of the reviews I've read here have made a big deal about the fact that this movie is about two seemingly utterly different plot lines that converge and WACKINESS ENSUES!...or I guess it's supposed to be terror ensuing. Not sure. Not sure the filmmakers knew either. I don't know where these reviewers are coming from, but seriously...two seemingly disparaging plot lines coming together in unexpected ways is old hat in the real world that I live in and it's nothing worth popping a monocle out over.
Real talk. If you don't immediately see the connection between the two WILDLY DIFFERENT plots five minutes into this movie...you are officially not the brightest crayon in the box. Honestly, you don't even make burnt umber. Sorry.
This is a dumb movie that doesn't know where it wants to go. The few bright points it has, that being the occasional brilliant and believable performance of AJ Bowen, are either killed off with no explanation or killed off in a very tired manner. Also with no explanation.
And that's honestly its worst sin. There's no given reason for anything. No given reason why the monster exists,no given reason why one man is trying to stop it from awakening, no given reason why stopping it from awakening requires him to do the disgusting things we see him do. This movie could be tag-lined "Crying and Moaning 'Why Are You Doing This??'" and no answer will apparently ever be given.
Horror fans aren't idiots and honestly, when you prove that you can do better, we deserve to actually see it. I give it eight gorilla anuses out of ten. And I'm being generous.
Damned by Dawn (2009)
Not enough cheap whiskey in the world to make this a good movie
There are three things I really love in life: a few whiskey sours, a good low-budget horror movie, and being lazy. I notate this because watching Damned By Dawn deprived me of two of these three on a rare evening off and I'm pretty steamed. I had the whiskey sours, but Damned By Dawn was so unforgivably not a "good" low-budget horror movie that it made me so angry I had to stop being lazy long enough to go through the whole process of registering to this site so I could write a vitriolic review.
Maybe "angry" isn't the right word, though. I think it actually comes much closer to "annoyed". This is through and through an annoying movie. Don't get me wrong, there are some very prominent good things about the movie. The actors all seem to be having a good time and deliver enjoyable performances, and the atmosphere of the setting is delightfully sinister. But smearing strawberry icing over a road-apple does not a cupcake make, and the good parts of the movie just made me all the more irritated that the glaring faults were bad enough to overpower them.
Between laughable undead effects (made all the more glaring by the genuinely good effects work elsewhere), an incomprehensible ending (Seriously. I will give 100 internet nerd points to whoever can tell me what the HELL happened. The Banshee's wound closes up...for some reason...a baby cries...the Banshee pukes up some blood...???...profit?), and the niggling voice in the back of my head screaming "Why? WHY is a movie about Banshee set in Australia!?!", it would be enough to turn me off this movie. But then there's the unfortunate fact that it's also so cliché ridden and logically unsound that I honestly wouldn't be surprised if someone told me it was actually supposed to be a parody.
First of all, Nana (Dawn Klingberg), if you know that a scary ghost lady is going to come and scream bloody murder outside the house on the night of your death, *and* it's very important for the good of your eternal soul that said blood-soaked screaming nightmare woman not be interrupted...it might be a good idea to tell more than one person about it. And if you can only tell the one, you might want to be a *little* bit less vague and cryptic. Oh, the dead will come back to life and murder everyone in shrieking distance (which, it turns out, is quite a ways) if you aren't cremated and put in a special urn? That seems like some important info right there. Might not want to play your canasta cards so close to your vest on that one. And, while Claire (Renee Willner) starts out as a likable enough protagonist, she eventually falls drastically into what's essentially a whimpering mannequin as she watches curled up against a far wall while three of the people closest to her are brutally murdered. Claire, honey, I know you're not Van Helsing or anything but for the love of god, if my undead boyfriend was bludgeoning my father to death, I sure as Sidhe would at least try to do a little more then whine about it.
Enjoy visual mood effects? Give this movie a once-over with liberal use of the fast forward button. Enjoy movies where you *don't* root for the heroine's head to explode via Banshee wail just so the interminable thing is over? I'd suggest giving Damned By Dawn a pass.