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The Long Ride Home (2003)
Really Really Bad
I clicked the "SPOILER" but trust me, this thing stunk so bad, it's already spoiled. But if you happen to be a masochist and want to punish yourself with a really bad movie, have at it, AND DON'T READ ANY FARTHER!!!!
I watched this on TV and was wishing I would have rented it so I could FWD through the slow parts, which was the entire movie. So much disconnected, drawn out junk, I thought I was watching a mystery. The flashback shooting in the beginning had no meaning, until the movie was almost over. I still don't know what the guy on the hill taking a pot shot at Randy was about. Garry Marshall and the store bit was in there for what?? I got the plot, I just couldn't understand why it took so long to get there.
I guess if you're standing in front of a camera and speaking lines from a script, technically, it is acting but it doesn't make you an actor. I'm sure everyone will recognize the 3 bona-fide actors, and then there is,, everyone else. I didn't think anything could be worse than Randy Travis singing,, I was wrong. And with a head twice the size of a normal human, it makes his "acting" appear twice as bad. The little kid and Ernie Borgnine's two sons were so bad, they must be related to Randy. In fact, I think the entire cast and crew were related.
Randy falls from his horse and 3 seconds later the kid looks at his holster and knows it's Jack Cole?? He's spent 8 years not wanting to be Jack Cole and what,, he got Jack Cole engraved on his holster?? Oh,,, and a holster that looks like it just came out of the showroom window?? He almost bleeds to death from a scratch on his deltoid?? Randy, the wife and kid are in the garden, Randy and the wife go to the barn,, and somehow the kid beats them to the hay loft; how does that happen?? The baddest man in the world,, killed countless innocents and a 12 year old boy but lets the hostage wife ride off on his horse?? She rides off, finds Randy, but rather then continue to look for the boy or ride back to the house, they camp out in the woods?? Ernie and the 2 sons rescue the boy, and he gets back home how?? If Ernie took him home, he never thought to look in the house, to see if the owner of the 2 foot lock of hair was OK?? And for the first time in movie history, Eric, a cowboy sheriff, is riding a white Arabian,, with a bareback saddle?? One of Ernie's sons is riding a white horse with a bareback saddle,, possibly the same Arabian?? Randy gives the rifle to the wife and enters,, unarmed, a house where the baddest man alive is?? The last straw was, Ernie's two boys, who couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a handful of rice, put 4 into the chest of the bad guy, nice as you please, only after Ernie takes one in the pumper?? Maybe the first 8 or 10 were sight adjusters?? Too bad for Ernie.
It says the budget was $3.5 million. A good cowboy movie must cost billions...
The Legend of Hell's Gate: An American Conspiracy (2011)
What the,,,,???
Sadly the least I could give this (film?) was one star. Had there been anything less, I'd have clicked it. I've seen every cowboy ever made and this is right up there with the worst.
The best part of the movie was that a lot of it was so dark that I couldn't see what was happening. I understand that dimming the lights is supposed to set the mood but,,,, total darkness??? It was so dark that the plot was also hidden from view. I've seen the sepia thing done before, especially interior shots, to try to give the film a period, old time, down and out, depressed look but in this case, it came off as if it was a copycat move and pressing to make up for a lack of,,, everything a good movie should have. There may have been some good scenery shots but any parts of the movie that you could actually see, looked as if they were all shot on a foggy day, 10 minutes before sundown. The scenes jumped around so much that I couldn't make any connection. And the individual scenes were filled with,,,, filler; unrelated, irrelevant, clock eating junk. In all honesty, I watched only 45 minutes and I had absolutely no idea what it was about. There was no suspense, no drama, no continuity, no plot, nothing to keep me watching.
I know nothing at all about anyone connected with this movie, except Buck Taylor, so they may all be first timers. The production quality, sets and costumes were all pretty good. The acting, direction, editing and camera could use a bit of work but wasn't bad. It was easy to see that there was a lot of effort but,,, without light bulbs and a story,,, it was all for naught. I think they all should give it another try, but for God's sake,, next time,, wait for a story. See: Shane, High Noon, Unforgiven, The Tall T, Hondo.....
Gunman's Walk (1958)
More Than a Cowboy Movie
I've seen this movie more than a few times and it never gets old. Like Col. Potter said,, "All a good movie needs is horses, cowboys and horses." But this story goes beyond your typical oater of black hats and white hats; cowboys and Indians. It's the story of a slightly dysfunctional family that could take place in any era,, and I'm sure it has (been done before/since). What I particularly like about this movie is it is nonstop. I tend to get bored by flash-backs, flash-forwards, flash-sideways, endless chase scenes and lengthy shootouts. There was also one musical scene,, another thing I'm not fond of,, but I think it was done well and it worked for me.
Always more than capable Van Heflin did a great job. Tab Hunter was a real surprise. I haven't seen all of his work,, "They Came to Cordura",, and maybe I'm biased by years of the pretty boy, can't act label but I though he turned in a journeyman performance this time. James Darren,, as always,, was a bit stiff and understated but being the shy, reserved, younger brother,, I believe understated was called for; stiff wasn't. In support there is Mickey Shaughnessy, Robert F. Simon, Edward Platt, Ray Teal, Will Wright and Paul Birch. Not that any of these guys ever mailed in a performance but Simon and Teal were very good.
When I watch a movie I'm not looking to be edified, enlightened, educated, illuminated or inspired. I'm not looking for political statements or correctness (I like "Green Acres" and "The Honeymooners"). I don't delve into the mind of the character and dissect their psyche. I couldn't care less what motivates them. I have neither the time nor the inclination to do any digging. I want to be entertained and this movie did just that. I thought this was a good movie, good story and good acting.
The Pride and the Passion (1957)
Love Those 3 Big Guns
So,,, you have 1000 people and countless mules dragging a giant sized cannon,,, up hill, down hill, side hill,, literally all over the Spanish countryside,,, leaving a trail that Helen Keller could follow??? But 10 citizens a day will be executed until the cannon is found,,,, because the entire French army is unable to locate this thing??? A 1000 kilometer trek that must have taken months????? I don't mean to nit pick but this seems to be a "bit" of a flaw to me.
Frank Sinatra as a Spanish patriot???? Maybe,, if not for the fact that every time he opened his mouth,, that phony Spanish accent made my stomach lurch.
There is a song and dance number in the movie the features Sophia Loren's two big guns that is worth watching,,, if you love big guns. Her performance seemed to have the same effect on Cary Grant as it did on me,,,, major wood... Stiff and emotionless as I've ever seen him.. The only spark in the entire movie is when the cannon is fired..
So,,, what you have here is a 132 minute movie with 2 minutes of dance,, 5 minutes of battle scenes,,, 10 minutes meaningless dialogue and 115 ponderous minutes of cannon dragging.... If you happen to be into cannon dragging,,, this is a must see.....
Return to Lonesome Dove (1993)
Waste 30 minutes and see...
Lonesome Dove was one of he greatest cowboy movies ever made.. Pulitzer Prize winning novel, 17 nominations, 15 awards... Return to Lonesome Dove,,, hmmmm??? I'm sure I could have watched this (I watched Bad Girls) had it not had Lonesome Dove in the title but I was expecting to see "something" like Lonesome Dove.. This ain't it....
The original,,, LD,,, was written in Pulitzer Prize winning language.. RTLD was written by the same people who brought you "Spencer for Hire". The original had a dark, serious, no nonsense feel.. RTLD had the made for TV,, let's get the 18 to 45 crowd,, don't want to confuse anyone,, PC, touchy, feely, family entertainment feel..
And by all means,, start the movie with (eye candy) a beautiful,, young,,, female,, pistolero,, in form fitting clothes,, blowing holes in Gus McCrae's grave marker... What could this possibly mean???? Dah...
And by all means,, change the laconic Capt Call character,,, completely.. Make him more like Gus this time.. Lots of body language, jovial, friendly, more smiles,,, an all around more likable guy... And by all means,,, make sure he is inebriated with verbosity... Looks alone don't do it anymore,, people may be given to thought if a character isn't moving his lips... All "seemingly" empty spaces must be filled with dialogue,,,, or music..
I could go on and on about the shallow, generic characters, weak acting and the unbelievability of the situations but,,,, I watched only 30 minutes of the first installment... My time would have been better spent watching paint dry....
This Mesterpiece is proof that diamonds can indeed be turned back into coal....
Shiloh Falls (2007)
Close-ups!!!!!!!
I love cowboy movies. From Gene Autry to Clint Eastwood. I'll even watch bad cowboy movies, but this has to be the worst cowboy movie ever made. Maybe even the worst movie ever made. I'm not sure what it's really about because I got sea sick after the first 15 minutes. The action is a bit hard to follow when you have one, 2 second long shot of a group of 6 men; 3 on each team, then, when they get into their verbal assaults, it's nothing but a series of 87 (very tight) close-ups, it's a bit difficult to tell who is on which team.
I'm no camera expert but from what I can see, one actor came to the set, stood under a tree and went through every line in his script (in close-up)and then they repeated this procedure with the other actors. Then they cut and spliced until it resembled a moving picture. I would think that if the weather Gods were with them, this movie could have been shot in one day. The editing may have take 2 or 3 years.
I realize and appreciate that close-ups are necessary and do enhance the final product but but after 632, 2 second close-ups in the first 15 minutes,,, pass me the bucket..... Had there been a warning at the beginning that Dramamine was required, I may have been able to do 30 minutes. But being a cowboy at heart and not an old sea salt, motion sickness is something I am unable to deal with. But hey,,,, if you've got a strong stomach, loads of Dramamine, been around the Horn a few times and sailed the Seven Seas,,,,, go for it.....
I must admit that this movie does have one redeeming quality, it serves as a "How To Not" make a movie. And I know for a fact there are lots better ways to waste money..