tonygillan Reviews

If.... (1968)

Overrated? Very!

[5/10 · 23 June 2009]

This is a film that you are supposed to like. If you don't then you are somewhat lacking. Apparently.

It is a well acted, well made film but very pretentious. Nothing of any great interest happens, all of which is supposed to build up the "tension" to the ridiculous shoot out.

The arty bits are rather dreary, although they are probably supposed to be metaphors for something or other that the Philistines won't get.

In 2004, Total Film magazine named it as the 16th best British film of all time.

They can't have seen more than 20.

The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle (1980)

A tissue of lies

[3/10 · 5 December 2006]

To this day, Malcolm McLaren is telling anyone daft enough to believe him that the Sex Pistols were his idea and that the band members were his puppets to be used to make him money. There is a good reason for him doing this, namely that he is a liar.

Here are some real facts.

* McLaren was actually approached by the band to be manager, not the other way round.

* The Pistols were a proper, organic band and not created by McLaren or anyone else. Jones and Cook were childhood friends. Rotten and Vicious went back a long way too. This is something that has led to unfair criticism of the Pistols down the years as they have been likened to manufactured boy bands.

* The band and no one else wrote the songs, recorded them, played live, created the publicity and gave the interviews.

* McLaren did not instigate the Bill Grundy incident. The Pistols only appeared on the programme because Queen had pulled out. According to the band, McLaren was cowering in the back in case arrests were about to be made.

* Johnny Rotten walked out of the band. He was not sacked.

* Far from outwitting the Sex Pistols, John Lydon (Rotten) actually successfully sued him in the 1980s for control and a considerable sum of money. Some of the evidence used by Lydon's lawyers was from McLaren's boasting in 'The Great Rock & Roll Swindle'. This would suggest that McLaren is none too bright despite his affectations.

* The sackings and subsequent pay offs from A & M and EMI were, again, not engineered, it was merely the way things panned out.

* McLaren boasts about the money he made from the band. If he had been competent, he could have made a great deal more. It seems he coudn't even organise gigs properly.

* McLaren's claim at the start of the film that he invented punk rock can be disproved in about ten seconds. The Pistols were not the first punk band, merely the most high profile.

This is a terrible film. The only parts worth watching are the genuine footage of the band, later put to much better use in 'The Filth And The Fury'.

Mind Your Language (1977–1986)

Utter crap!

[2/10 · 11 January 2006]

Don't watch this, not because it is racist (it isn't, although the characters are stupidly drawn national stereotypes), but because it is so unbelievably bad.

Here is an example of a "joke".

Teacher (taking register): "Juan" Juan: "Present"

Teacher: "Ingrid".

Ingird: "Present".

Teacher: "Rita".

Rita: "Present".

Teacher: "Rajeet".

Rajeet: "Gift".

Teacher: "Pardon".

Rajeet: "Gift means the same as present". (Huge burst of canned laughter, there may as well have been a cymbal clash)

It didn't get any better than this. Please remember, the 1970s wasn't all Fawlty Towers and Porridge. There were plenty of feeble shows like this too.

A Tribute to the Likely Lads (2002 TV Movie)

Almost unbelievably bad.

[1/10 · 30 December 2004]

The most overrated pair on British television team up to prove that they have every bit as much to offer the world of 'acting' as they do for 'comedy'.

If this is a tribute, I would hate to see them remake a programme that they didn't like.

The lads should stick to what they are good at, whatever that might be and leave this type of thing to people who actually have talent.

Just show the original and get these two off the television.

This is a disgraceful waste of money and the thought that they were paid for it makes it all the less palatable. Next time they turn up at a television studio, give them a mop apiece and get some use out of them.

55 Degrees North (2004–2005)

Cliches galore.

[8 July 2004]

The hero in this is frankly too good to be true.

He is bringing up someone else's child. Is a model police officer.

I have only seen one episode and it is already obvious that he is going to get together with the lawyer after he (surprise surprise) got off on the wrong foot with her.

I also have doubts as to whether he will ever fail to solve the crime and bring the baddies to book.

As always with any drama set in Newcastle, every opportunity is taken for a backdrop of the Tyne Bridge.

In short, an abundance of cliches.

Fantasy Football League (1994–2004)

An embarrassment.

[3/10 · 30 June 2004]

The joke is long over, such as it was in the first place. They are doing the same things they were doing ten years ago when they at least had novelty value.

EVERY show begins with the boys saying 'hello' to somebody (apparently a comedy staple too good to be parted with), audience chants 'Statto!, Statto!' for a bit, two celebrities arrive and engage in some cheery 'banter', 'Phoenix From the Flames' a never-funny segment in which old football moments are recreated with some 'comic' touches, then some old footballer comes on and sings, the big joke being that he never can. All this and swearing too. Controversial or what?

Frank Skinner has let himself down by plodding on with this rubbish. David Baddiel, on the other hand, has never said anything amusing in his entire career and is thereby doing as well as a man with no talent possibly could.

On the positive side, the whole debacle has moved from BBC to ITV, so none of my license fee is not going into Baddiel's pocket.

The Comedians (1971–1993)

Please. NEVER again.

[28 June 2004]

This show is NOT a victim of political correctness, it was just rubbish. It was dated before it began. It began years after Monty Python, Beyond the Fringe, the Goons and Hancock.

The defence is that it had more gags in a half hour than any other show on television before or since.

The downside is that none of them were funny.

It is squarely to blame for bringing some notably untalented people to the fore. This is nothing to do with the type of jokes involved, Les Dawson was as much of the old school of wives and mothers-in-law as anyone else and he was brilliant. The exception that proves the rule.

Please, NEVER let this be seen again.

Loose Women (1999– )

Drivel

[1/10 · 4 January 2004]

Actually it just lacks a little wit. And intelligence. Perhaps also some charm, screen presence, decent guests, competent presenters, talent and imagination. In fact there is an absence of anything that would make anyone want to watch a television programme.

Are ITV trying to offend us with this rubbish or do they think that it is what the public want? Everyone I have discussed this fiasco with would prefer to watch adverts.

East Is East (1999)

An enjoyable slice of life

[8/10 · 20 November 2003]

This film is a comedy drama that actually succeeds in both. This is in stark contrast to the dreadful 'Bend It Like Beckham' which manages neither.

This is quirky and amusing without being patronising or politically correct.

Watch! Enjoy! Don't be put off if you have seen B.I.L.B.

1984 (1984)

Decent adaptation.

[7/10 · 20 November 2003]

This is a well made and well acted version of '1984'. It is faithful to the book. Very faithful. One flaw is that anyone watching who hasn't read the book, is unlikely to completely understand everything that is going on. For instance, the scene when Winston Smith sees an enormously fat woman, singing happily as she hangs out her washing and declares 'She's beautiful', can not be seen in its proper context on screen without a narrative.

Grease 2 (1982)

Its not often you get the chance to see something as bad as this.

[13 November 2003]

What were they thinking of? The original 'Grease' is a pretty bad film, but they got away with it. It was a box office smash. The luck ran out with this dismal sequel.

I remember when it was released. The makers came out with comments along the lines of 'Well they said the original would fail, but they were wrong'. On this occasion however, 'they' were spot on.

'Grease 2' is one of those films that is entertainingly dreadful. Look out for the particularly laughable numbers 'Cool Rider' and 'Score! Score! Score!', then remind yourself that they aren't actually supposed to be funny.

QI (2003– )

Very good

[6 November 2003]

I have often heard Stephen Fry accused of being pleased with himself for being so clever. This implies that there is something intrinsically wrong with being clever.

QI is a perfect vehicle for Fry and others to show how clever and witty they are. And why not?

You know, if I was as clever and witty as Stephen Fry. I would be pleased with myself too.

As for the complaints about the intelligence and wit being sullied by smut, remember that many of us LIKE smut. The difference between fans and opponents of smut, is that you are unlikely to hear comments on 'Points Of View' complaining about a paucity of dirty jokes. So keep the smut forthcoming please.

There should be enough facts in the world to keep this show going for a while yet.

My Blue Heaven (I) (1990)

Nearly a good film

[25 September 2003]

This is an engaging and funny film. Steve Martin is excellent, particularly on stage as the cynical evangelist.

However, the love interest is unconvincing, as is Liam Neeson's accent. But what really lets it down is the ending. I was left with the impression that the producers demanded a happy ending, which was the exact opposite of what it should have been.

The Secret Policeman's Ball (1979 TV Movie)

Still funny all these years later

[8/10 · 25 September 2003]

The best bits of this show are still excellent, particularly the Cleese, Cook, Palin and Billy Connolly contributions. There is some fine music too from Pete Townshend and Tom Robinson.

Peter Cook's judge sketch is a notable highlight, although some of it may be lost on people unfamiliar with the Jeremy Thorpe trial (Thorpe was a British politician who was acquitted of murder after the judge had led the jury to an outrageous degree in his summing up. 'Now go and consider your verdict....of not guilty').

The 'Interesting Facts' sketch with Cook and Cleese is an all time classic, up there with anything by Monty Python, Harry Enfield, Marty Feldman, Saturday Night Live or anyone.

One note of caution. I bought the DVD box set and both of Billy Connolly's routines have been excluded. I have no idea why, but it is a pity as he is in top form on this show.

Top of the Pops 2 (1994– )

Great, apart from Steve Wright

[17 September 2003]

This is a great programme. The songs seem to be selected pretty much at random, which means that they may play one of your all time favourites or something you truly detest. This is all part of the fun.

I like the trivia that pops up at the bottom of the screen. What I don't like is the tedious and unfunny comments that Steve Wright comes up with on every show.

If you read this Steve, be aware that we KNOW the fashions look funny without you pointing this out with banal comments, ALWAYS along the lines of 'she looks like she works in Boots' and 'I wonder where he bought that dressing gown' and so on. PLEASE DESIST!

This programme would be improved without any spoken word. Just the artists and the trivia.

Neighbours (1985– )

As good/bad as it ever was

[14 September 2003]

People say this show is not as good as it was. They are wrong. The standard of drama has never slipped from abysmal from day one. A sort of hybrid between 'Crossroads' and 'The Beano'.

It has always entertained me. What I like about it best, is that I get home and am not provided with any challenge to my brain whatsoever. Good. Who ever got anywhere by being forced to think?

The only regression is the theme song. Bring back the cheesy pub piano and the even cheesier line 'Next door is only a footstep away'. That's poetry that is.

Girls! Girls! Girls! (1962)

A bad movie, even for Elvis Presley

[4/10 · 14 September 2003]

About the only positive recommendation I can make for this film is the unintentionally amusing opening scene.

An oldish man is struggling from the back of a boat to land a fish. Hardly surprising, as it is a huge marlin, twelve feet in length and weighing about half a ton.

Elvis steps in and lands the thing in about eight seconds flat, although he does have to turn the reel three times.

What a man!

Maybe Baby (2000)

Come on. Its not that bad.

[11 September 2003]

Of course, Ben Elton can and has done much better, but some of the postings below are way over the top.

It is hardly a classic, but if you have nothing better to do next time this is on television, give it a whirl. It is quite amusing, but forgettable.

If you truly think that this is an all time stinker, then you can't have seen as many films as me.

Thompson (1988)

Dreadful

[11 September 2003]

Emma Thompson's career in the years following this series rightly cemented her reputation as a performer and writer. This, however, was not a good start.

Quite how someone as talented as Miss Thompson could come up with something as godawful as this is a mystery.

Thompson fans who have never seen this show, do yourselves a favour and avoid ever watching it. It can only spoil the magic.

Tommy (1975)

Oliver Reed singing?

[6/10 · 8 September 2003]

Ken Russell introduced Oliver Reed to Pete Townshend. Townshend sat at piano and told Reed he would accompany him on any song he knew. Whatever the song was, Townshend stopped playing after one line, turned to Russell and said 'You're f****** joking aren't you', such was the ineptitude of Olly's singing. In fairness to Reed, he would readily admit that he couldn't sing to save his life.

Therefore, it seems incredible that he should be cast in a musical. 'Tommy' is a musical with no dialogue, unlike 'Oliver' in which Reed was excellent.

This sort of sets the tone for a pretty bad film.

Buy the original album by The Who instead. A classic. No film was ever likely to do justice to it, even so, this fails by an uncomfortably large margin.

Premier Passions (1998– )

As it is

[7 September 2003]

I used to work at Sunderland AFC and can confirm that none of the ranting was for the benefit of the camera.

Peter Reid behaved like this at every game.

His language was fantastically foul.

I can also confirm that he is not alone among football managers and coaches in this. In fact he was not the worst offender. I am sworn to secrecy as to who the worst ranter and swearer is.

Oh alright then, it's f*****g Phil Thompson.

For more background, I recommend the excellent book 'Let There Be Light - Sunderland AFC'. a superb read.

Fifteen to One (1988–2003)

Best quiz show on British television

[7 September 2003]

The best quiz show, as opposed to game show, on television.

No time wasting with contestants hobbies or anecdotes. No specialised subjects on Victorian egg timers or the history of nasal hair to bore the viewers. Just general knowledge questions. Why didn't somebody think of it sooner?

It should really go out later in the evening to suit people who are not keen on soaps.

The Girl on the Boat (1962)

Wodehouse deserves better than Wisdom

[2/10 · 7 September 2003]

Although this was not one of PG Wodehouse's better novels, it still deserves better than the terminally irritating, never funny, ridiculously overrated comedy pygmy that is Norman Wisdom.

Wodehouse was a genius, a description that has often been applied to Wisdom, the difference being that Wisdom is anything but.

Ferien in Lipizza (1966–1967)

Cheesiest theme song of all time.

[6 September 2003]

Ah yes. School holidays always became boring in the end and 'White Horses' certainly contributed to this.

It was black and white and dubbed into English having been made in Germany or maybe Switzerland. I'm not sure now.

Utterly tedious. Please do not allow this show to ever surface again. Even 'Salty the Seal' was better than this.

Bottom (1991–1995)

Crude, dirty, juvenile slapstick. Hurrah!

[6 September 2003]

'Bottom' is one of those programmes whereby you know what it will be like before you watch it. If you like crude, dirty, juvenile slapstick then watch and enjoy. If you don't, then don't.

Edmundson and Mayall have been long famous for this type of comedy, so to watch it then complain about, it is rather like buying the Beano then moaning about it being childish.

Both are clever men and capable of doing more cerebral stuff than this. They just don't want to.

Long may this continue.