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Reviews
Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012)
The end of a successful saga
First of all, if you are like me, and were disappointed with this movie, you may be surprised at the ratings on IMDb. For example- The gem of British comedy, Flushed Away, was ranked worse than this. Both Madagascar movies, were ranked worse than this. The third Ice Age installment, was ranked one point off this.
Really? Folks, I'm not going to sugar coat this thing. It was a awful end to a great saga. With the Ice Age movies, I notice each one of them seems to slip deeper and deeper into unrealistic expectations, making it almost impossible for children to believe what is on the screen, as I was doing with the children I had taken with me. First Ice Age - Animals return child to parent. Quite simple, sweet. Second- World is melting, somehow a giant boat will save them all. Pretty weird, but watchable. Third- Dinosaurs under the ice. Right, that's going off the mark. But the character Buck saved the movie with brilliant British comedy and writing.
And then there's this trainwreck. Sid, Manny and Diego, and a Granny of Sids, find themselves battling a ship full of pirates who enjoy singing and bossing little furry creatures around. My god.
I don't even know where to start with this thing. First off, Manny has had the ol 'Disney parent syndrome' slapped on him, and he is dangerously worried about his teenager daughter, Peaches, constantly. We've seen it done in every single daddy-daughter movie. They even had the gall to send Crash and Eddie to watch her frequently. It's like they had just watched Lion King 2, swapped some characters around, then claimed it original.
Peaches problem is just about the most predictable teenage story in the book. > Girl finds cool group. > Ditches lame friends, becomes popular > Regrets it later. Yeah, it's pretty lame. But thats just the start of this...analysis.
Right, so they get separated as continents are drifting at a alarming rate, complete with a pop culture reference about each one which was clearly existent back in the BC. Sid gets dumped with this god awful Granny relative, who is stealing screen time as Sid's side comic relief. She is not funny. Sid is funny. Do not add TWO funny characters in a troupe, it never works. They come across this-ugh, pirate ship, run by a monkey, an elephant seal, a kangaroo, and a predictably female saber tooth tiger. It is awful from there.
This installment even has a song, too. The song itself actually wasn't so bad, but it is SO not in an Ice Age nature to do so, as no other movies did it, that people just kinda were confused as to whether it was a musical. There's a lovely cheesy song at the end too, don't worry. It'll suck any remaining dignity out of the movie.
I'm not even sure if Ice Age 2 or this one is worse. Probably this one, because everything is just so unrealistic. Kids in the audience were even realizing it. It's just a load of action, clichés, corny family messages, and very very predictable rubbish. Keep your money.
Jack and Jill (2011)
Awful....Beyond reason.
Seriously, this movie is so bad, even Nostalgia Critic wouldn't touch it.
I cannot express the stupidity in words. It began on a sunny afternoon at my local mall Christmas shopping - a tradition between me and my friends. In this tradition, we always saw a movie afterwards. Unable to decide, we let our newcomer friend pick one at random- Jack and Jill. I knew even from the moronic poster it would be a flop- but rumor had it, sweetheart Johnny Depp was in it, so off we went- $11.50 down the drain as we entered the theater.
So many things are wrong with this movie, I don't even know where to begin. I guess the first point would be the totally confusing audience range Sandler tries to aim for. If he was trying for a children's movie- he sadly failed, as there is sexual innuendo, swearing, and all sorts of disastrous adult jokes which screech off the rails. If he was trying for an adults movie- he also failed, with the fact no adult in their right mind set would enjoy Sandler dressing in drag and farting, scratching his genitals, talking in a nails-down-a-chalkboard voice, and just being a frustration for the ninety minutes.
The other point that really frustrated me throughout this movie, is the jokes. Nobody laughed in the theater. Actually, there is one humorous part in the beginning, during a montage of twins, talking about their relationship with one another, and one twin claims to talk to his twin in 'whale' language. Kudos, whale man, for the only laugh of the afternoon. The jokes aren't funny. Things are seemingly thrown in at random for laughs, like a hobo joining their Thanksgiving (??!). It is almost insulting to think we would find the humor funny. This frustrating feeling will last with you throughout the movie.
Another strange fact is the celebrities. My poor, sweet, Johnny Depp. Perhaps you are a friend of Adam, perhaps you were looking to pay off something, because I can't believe you would appear in such a movie. I know why the movie hired you of course- I went in with the high hope of seeing Depp, unable to believe he would act in such a disaster. So in reality, Depp's five minute role as himself was what lured in most of the movie's profit. Johnny Depp, it's alright, Im sure its not your fault, you may weep on Mr Burton's shoulder, vowing to never leave his side again.
Al Pachino is also in this movie (confused yet?) as he is pretty much a big part of the story, because Jack wants him to do a commercial for a new brand of coffee (chino...gettit? Aha..ha) and Pachino is struck by Jill and is in love with her, who does not return his affections.
What results is a very predictable and unfunny climax which tries to shadow the climax of Mrs Doubtfire but is so insulting it is hard to watch, and some lovey family stuff is thrown in as well, which confuses me whether this movie was intended for children. Jill gets with the guy we knew from the first moment we saw would end up with her, and everything is happy and gay.
THEN we get the most god-awful scene in cinema history. A rapping Al Pachino. Rapping. Yes, you read that correctly. About coffee. Doesn't that just make you feel all dead inside? For the love of god, do not see this movie. Make no attempt to see this movie. Don't even rent it. It is a disaster.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Ugh
To be frank, this movie was awful. Don't get me wrong, I love the Simpsons. Im a HUGE Simpsons kid. So when I saw this coming out in the movies, I was pretty darn excited.
And then I saw it.
Spiderpig? Really? The pig wasn't funny. Homer just kept renaming the damn pig he adopted to various pop-culture characters, which I suppose kept the more easily pleased members of the theater happy. But not me, I was hoping for the original wit and humor of the Simpsons to build this movie. No such chance.
The plot- terrible. A giant dome put over Springefield? Gimme a break. You know what this movie SHOULD have been about? SIDESHOW BOB! He's my favorite character, and he didn't appear once! The Simpsons Movie could have been so much better if it was about his murderous revenge on Bart, not the damn pig and EPA. (Oh, and another thing, Mr Burns makes a minute cameo...that's right, pretty much 60 seconds)
There is some really weird personality shifts too, most noticeably in Bart. He goes through a strange phase of wanting fatherly guidance, whereas in the series he seems fine with it, and turns to Flanders for support. Oh yes, may I mention he also has a whiskey drinking problem? A 10 year old boy? (Ha..ha...not)
The stuff is unfunny. It's really all slapstick. REPEATED slapstick. If I remember correctly there is about three times Homer hurts himself on the roof. Whats worse is the lack of violence on the beginning of the Itchy and Stratchy cartoon- there's no blood!
There's also some little romance between Lisa and this boy called Colin, that doesn't last all that long and just kinda moves the plot along. It's pretty pointless, and is quite dull.
Don't see it if you're a simpsons fan.
Hop (2011)
Weak....Contains spoilers
What can I say about children's films? Some are brilliant, some are rubbish, and some are just okay. This film, slides into the 'rubbish' genre.
Hop was terrible. Total garbage. It may be able to keep tiny ones happy, but to other kids? They wont like it. The reason why, is that the story is VERY undeveloped. We know EB wants to drum- but he never really has a strong hatred for being the easter bunny. He leaves for Hollywood- but in the conversation he has beforehand (or argument, if you can call it that) makes it seem like they have had the conversation many times before.
At the beginning when I went and sat down to see this movie- I thought the first ten minutes were quite good. Good effects, cutesy bunnies, candy...I thought 'hey, this can't be that terrible' and settled in. But after that ten minutes, it got bad.
There is a subplot about a young man trying to find a job. This is usually the case with talking animal movies (Alvin and the Chipmunks, anyone?) and of course, Hop appears when he seems to be getting his life together. I waited for something funny, but my god, the humor is as dry as yesterday's cornbread. The only thing that was slightly humorous was Russel Brand's job - He did very well in his role, if only they had given him a better script!
There is a very forced together relationship between EB and the man who is so plain I have forgotten his name already. Like all talking animal meets human movies, he makes some attempt to hate him. The thing that really got me was the fact that he jumped between hating him to liking him in a matter of minutes. There was no meaningful conversation, no big event. In fact if I remember correctly, he only starts to like him once he learns that EB is the easter bunny.
There are also an array of pointless scenes. One with the mans sister coming over to check on the house, one with the man attending his little sisters concert which turns into EB singing 'I want candy' which was painful to watch, and another with a talent show - Hop nails it...But in the end, it is forgotten anyway.
The villain is a huge letdown. Very undeveloped. He is a chick named Carlo's I think, who wants to be the easter bunny.We all knew who he was from the first ten minutes, and throughout the movie kept hinting that he wanted to be the easter bunny. But he NEVER did anything evil before this! He would mutter something in a evil voice now and then, but nothing that terrible! There should have been a scene at least explaining his plan (which he didn't have, by the way) or making some sort of resentment to rabbits. His part was sloppy and not well done. He literally got rid of all his foes in around ten seconds.
The climax of the movie was awful. EB watches as the chick starts up the machine to start delivering easter, and one of the chicks is in charge of starting the engine off (which doesn't actually have an engine, chicks are pulling it) with red paddles to indicate where to fly. EB distracts him by drumming, which makes him dance and leads him to crashing the vehicle.
The ending was by far the worst thing of the movie. Carlo's is not jailed, neither are the other chicks, but they are back to working again. That is one thing that makes no sense. Secondly, when Carlo's touched the 'egg of power' staff, he turned into a bunny as 'only the easter bunny can wield its power' but however towards the end of the movie, EB's father makes EB and the man BOTH the easter bunny, the man does not turn into the easter bunny. There's another. A third is the reaction from the mans family- who throughout the ENTIRE movie, have been pestering for him to get a job. They are suddenly hugely proud of him. How is he supposed to earn a living being the easter bunny? Plenty of other things don't make sense, but I'll let you see the movie to find out. It looks like they pasted the end together very quickly to be in time for easter.
Trust me on this, it's not fantastic.
Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp's Adventure (2001)
It's alright. Just alright.
Lady and the Tramp II is one of the Disney sequels which I keep as "okay" in my books. They could have done a lot worse (like what they did with The Little Mermaid sequel..horrible!) and this one stands as being a pretty okay sequel.
Some problems about this sequel are the totally rushed and not needed romance between Angel and Scamp. It was tasteless and bland, the duet they share was sweet but did not compare to Bella Notte from the first film.
I also did not like what they did with Tramps character development. Like Simba in Lion King 2, they turned him from a fun loving adult to a cold, serious parent. Tramp used to be a very lovable character in the first film, chasing chickens and avoiding dogcatchers. But what does he say when Scamp runs through the lounge with a pillow in his jaws? "Now come on son, you're gonna make a mess!'
It's just unfamiliar of our old Disney characters to change personality so quickly. Lady had little to no dialogue, which is a sad change from the first film where we learned so much about her.
But all in all, it's an alright sequel. Learning about Tramp's past was interesting and the film still kept some of the old settings from the original. Disney fans should see, but if you are not a Lady and the Tramp fan, this may not appeal to you.
The Lion King (1994)
A milestone in animation!
The Lion King was one of the biggest box office hits of 1994, and still today holds the World Record for the most tapes sold for a cartoon.
But what touched everyone, particularly myself, with this movie? Was it the score's of Elton John, was it the humor of Timon and Pumba? or the moment of grief we all shared as a child as we watched young simba lie weeping next to his dead father, surrounded with guilt? The Lion King focuses on life. Life that began in the pride lands, when the first score "the circle of life" lit up the screen in magnificent color and sound, with the new infant Simba being welcomed into the kingdom with the mark on his forehead (which could possibly be a mirrored mimic to baptism) and being raised over the ruling domain of pride rock for the animals to welcome their new prince.
The movie is just teeming with color and emotion, and the songs and scores hold many memories in our hearts, such as the chills that ran up our spines in the dramatic scene where Simba runs for his life as wildebeest chase him through a gorge, to the award winning song "Can you feel the love tonight?" By Elton John. The cast is stunning, and there is an element to this film that everyone can enjoy.
I cant even say how much this film means to me. The Lion King WILL and ALWAYS will be one of the greatest films in history and of all time. It shows life in all its grief and joy, and manages to fit it all into a around a hour and a half time frame. I love it.
Tom and Jerry: The Movie (1992)
A dark day in Tom and Jerry history.
Now, as a enthusiastic kids movie watcher, I had already seen some very terrible things in my time. I had seen the tragic fall of Lilo and Stitch for example, that one magical movie had thousands of spin offs and TV shows, until the movie had been so milked out, Old MacDonald would have been satisfied for years.
THIS particular movie however, was probably one of the worst things that I ever had the displeasure of gazing upon. Tom and Jerry, our lovable characters from TV who enjoy nothing more than winding each other up with their many plans and schemes, suddenly find themselves alone in the city together.
But dear ones, fate had a funny way of turning this movie foul in less than 5 minutes. I saw it coming right when I saw the big, streetwise dog smiling stupidly with a FLEA sitting on its shoulder. A corny musical number follows about how Tom and Jerry should be "friends to the end!" and by then, I was shaking my head in disbelief.
Tom and Jerry also talk for the first time, which was a painful thing to watch. Jerry sounds like a hormonal 16 year old girl going through a rebellious stage, and Toms voice sounds like the type of man you would find desperately trying to sell second hand furniture in New York while living in a cardboard box.
But wait- there's more! Tom and Jerry meet a cute little blond orphan on the run from her evil aunt and obese dog on a skateboard, and a man named Lickboot (Oh seriously?! LICKBOOT?!) who are after her father's money, since he is believed to be dead...but hey, communication must've been pretty shoddy back then because he turns out to be alive and well! So basically Tom and Jerry go along with the cute little orphan, meeting friends along the way and doing absolutely NOTHING that tom and jerry stood for. No gags, no fighting each other. Heck, I didn't even giggle once. This was NOT a good movie. Not to mention the fact that the orphan's father (who by the way, she cried and sung about for around 5 minutes) looked suspiciously like Indiana Jones..
Don't watch it, unless you really want to watch a happy little film about an orphan who isn't really an orphan finding her long lost father, along with the help of the ruined, washed out characters from one of the most classic cartoon series of all time.