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Da Vinci's Demons (2013)
Leo McGyver and the medieval babes from hell
I can imagine the producers of this piece of crap counting the money, everything in DVDs has only one purpose: get a lot of money! So, let's make a fantasy about a real genius like Leonardo Da Vinci, who lived in Europe and was a great artist! the way to do it, just follow a couple of rules: - Real history is boring, so he has to be a good looking guy, women are crazy for him, and he is a superhero - The story takes place in Medieval Europe so let's add some magic, church guys that torture people, and everybody talks like in a Shakespearean play - Our guy must be fearless, super smart and a stud, he should get laid with many beautiful babes -big boobs better- add some nudity and the boys in the audience got interested - His family and past must have secrets to reveal, so we have soap drama for the women - The scenario must look dark and dirty -that's how medieval times are, right?- but the characters and SPECIALLY our hero and eye candy babes must look perfectly clean and handsome, nobody likes a hobo as a hero or a girl with missing teeth, yikes! - All of this with action, action, and... more action!! people these days get bored so easily, so who cares about real Da Vinci as an artist, let's have Leo McGyver and the Medieval Babes from Hell, oh yeah!
Cichonga (2013)
Poor attempt of grotesque
When I went to BARS festival in Buenos Aires to see this movie, a few minutes before the beginning the Director (one of them) Esteban Rojas said ¨this movie was made in a few days, between takes from another movie, just for the BARS festival and basically for fun¨ enough said, because the results are really lame, a simple and almost childish story - nothing wrong with that - told without any trace of even remote creativity or laughing moments, trying desperately to be fun and stealing almost everything from the Tarantino and Rodriguez movies, but failing miserably... Overacting as a standard, the cast of "actors" try to get over with a script full of eructs, farts, vomit, urine, one location more dirty and grouse than the other, but all of this i'ts so funny, right? like the rival of Cichonga: Mr Pancho... because he likes to eat panchos!!! so funny!!! and Dr Loco... my God this is so smart!! Anyway, this piece of garbage last 65 minutes and believe me it was soo long and boring, please Esteban Rojas hide this pile of crap that you and your drunk partners did in your spare time and pay a little respect to the BARS festival...
El día trajo la oscuridad (2013)
Good looking movie, but...
Yesterday a saw EDTO in BARS festival, and it's a nicely done movie, with great visuals and atmosphere, but without any passion at all; maybe it's because of the wooden acting from the two girls and specially from the two males characters that are so bad! they speak as kids from a school play, telling their lines with no emotion and almost in a robotic way... so you have a great location near the sea, a beautiful house with a somber forest nearby, excellent visual and audio effects, and a very interesting story: a girl living with her father in this country house receive an unexpected guest: her ill cousin, a gorgeous brunette that, as she gets better, escape to the forest every night and... I'm not gonna tell you but there will be blood, dark secrets, girls play... all these promising ideas go away because of the wooden acting, the lack of passion or chemistry between the two girls (specially a key scene in the film, that involve the two girls kissing each other, my god I kiss my mother in the cheek with more passion!) and a poor ending; so this is a 5 mostly for the atmosphere and visuals...
Burden of Evil (2012)
Sooo bad...
OK this movie is so bad!! Natalie Zea is a detective that has her boyfriend (detective like her) killed by a serial killer that she has been hunting...then the guy is in jail for like 5 minutes until he escapes so easily that you couldn't believe it, and kidnapped the daughter of a powerful senator!! the acting is so terrible, this girl Natalie is like a supermodel trying so hard to act like a tough cop girl, but of course she poses for the camera all the time, and the tight shirts and pants, high heels...she moans for her beloved boyfriend for like 2 minutes and then she looks perfect! there are so many ridiculous situations in this movie, let's name a few of them
- the serial killer is so miscast, it's like a high school dude trying to act and look bad but failing so miserably! - the senator's girl kidnapped is suppose to be a sport multi-medalist boat rower, but the girl look chubby and no sign of an athletic body at all, wtf!!! - the mother of the kidnapper ask Natalie not to kill her son, and she mentions the issue to his partners... and no one understands why this woman want to protect this serial killer!!! well, maybe because is HIS MF MOM you morons!!!!! - Our cop girl gets her head smashed with a large glass vase and then shot twice from a very short distance, but she escapes almost harmless!! wtf is she robocop or what? - the kidnapper is caught by our girl, she crawls at him BUT...instead of put the gun in his head, she prefer to yell at him from a distance pointing the gun at him, BUT... while she point the gun at him, he release the chains of the kidnapped girl, take his gun out and place behind her pointing the gun at her head!!!!!!! and she does nothing!!! and the cherry on top, her partner came to the scene also pointing a gun at the killer but from a different angle, so they have the guy absolutely trapped OK? no, because our girl decide to throw her gun to the floor to persuade the killer to release the girl!!!!!!
Guys please avoid this piece of crap!!
Stalag 17 (1953)
terrible farce of a movie
I was sitting at home watching this piece of crap, wondering why on earth this unfunny, ridiculous, stupid, senseless, absolutely out of any reality about WWII movie has such a high rating and is considered a classic... I mean, the film is so moronic, try so hard to be funny failing so miserably, the Germans are portrayed incredibly bad, and the Russian girls: where the heck are they coming from? a war prisoner camp near the Danube river filled with beautiful blonde Russian girls??? and the guy from Geneva? almost surreal...Shapiro and ¨the animal¨ characters: absolutely unbearable, overacted, so unfunny and annoying!! and the plot my goodness, sooo predictable and obvious you can see it coming from miles away... I love war movie classics and certainly respect Billy Wilder direction but this is not one of the good ones of him, that's for sure...
Stake Land (2010)
A nice try...
Stakeland is a really nice vampire apocalypse movie, good acting, interesting story, cool and beautifully shot, but here and there the film drags, I mean the pace sometimes is too slow and the off voice of the kid add too much melodrama... and the Jebedia conversion in an intelligent vampire has no logic at all, why he can be a vampire and also talk and think as a human? anyway, beside some flaws this is a good horror movie, it's the scary version of The Road; both movies share a lot in common like the pace, apocalyptic future, road wandering, filthy people everywhere, off voice narration etc etc... but The Road is an excellent drama movie, and Stakeland stays in the middle between horror and taking itself too seriously sometimes.
Hobo with a Shotgun (2011)
I really want to like this movie...
Hobo with a Shotgun is a Grindhouse movie without any talent or humor; I know it's supposed to be bloody and gore, but what make the grindhouse movies so much fun to watch is the non stop action with good cheesy lines, nice cartoonish characters and a simple but enjoyable plot... Here we have no plot at all, bad taste violence just for the sake of it, actors miscast like the two morons that try-so-hard-but-fail-miserably to be the bad boys of an incoherent villain like The Drake... Rutger Hauer is a great actor and despite all the mess he does his part really well; the rest is so badly done and the script is so moronic and dull that after the first 30 minutes I started to watch my clock to see how much time should I resist such a stupidity...and to add more wrong: why all that sick violence against children? the school bus in flames, the carbonized kid brought to the TV show, the child molester dressed as Santa, a gun pointed at a baby's head, a child kidnapped, come on! is so disgusting and gratuitous, what's the point? I love b movies and specially the grindhouse type, but HWAS completely missed the point: I gave it a 3 just for Rutger, the rest is really bad ...
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (1961)
Ed Wood Fiction? No, Irwin Allen's...
What a laughable movie this is, it's so bad that makes you laugh all the way through! A mess from beginning to end, the story goes with a nuclear sub that at the first scene raises from the bottom of the sea literally like a dolphin would (you can imagine the crew jumping like tennis balls inside) , receiving civilians inside(Joan Fontaine as a doctor is one of them) and giving a tour through the sub... a submarine that looks like a five stars hotel, big rooms full of space, an admiral that is also a top scientist and an inventor (Walter Pidgeon) with an officer(Peter Lorre)always beside him that no one knows what the heck he does in the sub, except for babysit a tiny white shark that no one knows why on earth is in the sub... a romance between the captain (Robert Sterling) and the admiral's secretary (a gorgeous Barbara Eden) and Frankie Avalon to get teenage audience... suddenly the Van Allen ring is on fire (why, or better HOW a belt of radiation in the middle of the space WITHOUT OXYGEN can catch fire is, of course, never explained) and the earth temperature rises up to 70 Celsius degrees!! at that moment most of the crew appears at surface and they sweat like in a really hot day!! my god they all should die roasted... everything in this movie is laughable, like the United Nations gathering with at most 30 people, including 2 geishas, 3 African fellows, 2 Muslims, a Moroccan guy, an Hindu one... the US guy should wear a cowboy hat and side pistols, what the heck!! the admiral's plan to save the earth: nuke the ring with a missile (again no one wonder how a missile could possibly reach the space), and in the road to do the task more crazy nonsense stuff: two giants octopusses attacking for no reason, a mine field in the middle of nowhere just to create some tension, a doctor who knows how to sabotage a nuclear reactor, then go nuts and tries to murder the admiral, and ends up eaten by the white shark (that's why is in the sub!) an so on and on... Barbara Eden in her tight dress and high heels -yes, heels for women is common fashion in US nuclear subs- is the only thing worth to watch, otherwise a complete and forgettable disaster!
The Final (2010)
Don't even try it, sooo bad...
Terrible movie in every aspect, with an absolute lame plot (kids bullied at school turn into sadistic killers, soo stupid and absurd) , terrible acting, full of clichés, total absence of tension, an so on and on... this film is so moronic, trying to be ¨profound¨ with script lines so pathetic like ¨you made me a monster¨ or ridiculous moments like the lotion that the kids prepared that first feel good and then turn into acid! hahaha so idiotic, they are like chemical nerds my goodness...and the kids dresses who can be frightened with a guy dresse like an ss officer in 2011!! and the clown my god he looks like a 12 year old kid, wtf!! please avoid this piece of crap, period!