Change Your Image
Arisdoddle
Reviews
The Stand (2020)
LOL! Whaaaat...is going on in this world??
Ummm...yeah it was OK. It's probably I bit early to judge, but it's certainly not a 1/10. I give it a solid 6/10, based on what I've seen so far(It was the grey dreadlocks on Whoopi that annoyed me the most. WHHHHYYYYY...not just rap 'em in a rag or something?).
And YES! I've read...pretty much all of Stephen King's books, and seen the original mini series...more than thrice. Never got around to buying the t-shirt though.
Whaaaaaaat...is wrong with people???
Gokseong (2016)
This film has more loose threads than a five dollar t-shirt.
Don't do it! I did and I'm kicking myself. Every single scene is overly drawn out. I suppose that's meant to somehow build suspense, or atmosphere... or something. It doesn't. It just means more waiting for the "denouement" to arrive. And it never does! The only reason I didn't skip through it is because it was hard enough to follow at normal speed, and in a foreign language to boot!
I DESPISE cowardly film makers who can't commit to a coherent ending. You're in the wrong field, ya time wasting losers. Either grow a pair or GTHO of the biz.
If you decide to watch it anyway, at least put on some soft footwear beforehand, because you WILL kick yourself after sitting through this 60 minute horror "episode"(at best) stretched out to over two and a half hours.
You have been warned.
The Invisible Man (2020)
Laughably nonsensical.
A room full of monkeys randomly tapping on keyboards for 1000 minutes could produce a more compelling and suspenseful plot. A warehouse full of snails randomly... slithering around could scribe, in slime, less offensively simplistic characters. A... a... nope, I've already devoted too much of my neuronal activity to this jumped up cartoon.
Good day sir and/or madam. I said good day!
Countdown (2019)
Meh. I've seen worse.
It's... not great, but it's certainly not "so bad it's bad.. or good". It's a perfectly servicable low budget horror movie, with lots of jump-scares.
Worth watching once, if for no other reason than to be able to tell your horror movie buff friends you've "seen the one about the countdown app".
A sober 4/10.
I would've given it a solid 5/10, if not for its endorsement of the summary execution of MINOR... as well. I quite liked that character, FYI! Yep. You somehow managed to snatch a fail from the jaws of a pass mark, so to say, with your... your... end credit manhateyness!
LOL! Rookies...
Once Upon a Time in... Hollywood (2019)
Wow! What a twist! M Night Tarantino has done it again!
It's Brad Pitt's film, and one of his finer performances, in my opinion. DiCaprio's character was almost completely superfluous to the "plot".
Do this: Get a digital copy of the movie, get some editing software, keep all of the scenes that Brad Pitt appears in and cut out as many of DiCaprio's, and any other's, non Pitt scenes as you deem unnecessary(to the... Pitt plot). Et voila! A story!
You're welcome.
I give it an honest 5/10, primarily because it's unnecessarily long. I should give it a 1/10, for balance, but I... just couldn't do that... to the lovely Margot. :-)
I'd quite comfortably give the "Pitt plot edit" version, that exists only in my head... for now, a minimum of 7/10.
Of course... there are those who would argue that the whole "Helter Skelter" business was but one act in the ongoing live action roleplay known as Project Fear and/or Chaos, and nobody really died that day.
Not me though. Heaven forfend!
Art of the Dead (2019)
Nice house!
That's about as much as can be said about this movie. Whoever owns it, good for you! You've done well for yourself there.
The actual film? Well let's just say most of the rest of the cast members make Greco and Reid look like Olivier and Streep by comparison. Even the running looked like "acting".
Having said that, there's a... greater than 50% chance I'll be viewing one or two of Mrs Milfson's other films in the not too distant future.
2-3/10, if I'm honest, 4/10 if I was drunk, 5/10 if I was nigh on legless... and the sound was down.
3 from Hell (2019)
Yeah, it was good.
If you're a fan, you'll probably enjoy it. If you're expecting the movie to actually change your life, and you're a fan, just relax and enjoy the (admittedly slow, at times) ride. If you're not a fan... how on Earth did you end up here?? :-)
What more can I say? Oh! I really wish the little dude had... and possibly even... nevermind. That dude's aaaaaaaaalrite.
And Mrs Moon Zombie appears to have gotten prettier with age, unless mine treacherous eyes doth deceive me.
The Lover in the Attic: A True Story (2018)
Hubba hubba!
I watched it with the sound down while listening to Youtube podcasts. It looks like a nice little made for TV period piece... but that's not why I gave it six stars. I gave it six stars because I'm in love. Not with the actress who played the role(necessarily), nor the person the character is based on. I'm in love with the character in the movie. There, I said it!
Perhaps I'll acquire it in the near future and watch (and listen to) it commercial free(without having to be on "advertisement mute alert"). I sure hope she has a reasonably sultry voice, and not an annoying high pitched modern American... squeak(?)... squawk(?). I... I... don't think my heart could take that kind of disappointment. :(
Oh look! Here comes the nurse with my brain medicine. Yippeeee! Gotta go...
Dracula (1931)
More ham than a delicatessen.
The defintive... NAH!
A tour de... NAH!
Lugosi IS Drac... NAH!
Hollow-wood hype is not a recent phenomenon. YEAH!!
I'll take Lee and Cushing over this claptrap any day of the week.
Lugosi looked like he was severely constipated, more than anything else.
The emperor is clearly naked. DUH!
Pick-up (1975)
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.
This looks like the sort of thing horny pre-internet(and pre VCR, for that matter) teenagers who couldn't access real pr0n might use for "inspiration". That's entirely the long and short of it.
The people who are proclaimng this "The best movie evah!" WERE those teenagers.
End-of-story!
Tomb Raider (2018)
They didn't do bubkus!
This isn't a "faithful adaptation" of squat. The original Jolie Tomb Raiders were a helluva lot closer to the spirit of the game than this could ever hope to be. This movie is a by-the-numbers cookie-cutter adventure movie with ZERO soul. They could've called it "Poor little rich girl goes bushwackin" and it wouldn't have made any difference.
Aforementioned PLRG gets tossed, tumbled and battered around "Hollywood mystical tropical island No. 5"(with trademark cloudy peak), all the while squealing like a stuck pig, and then arbitrarily stages a "workers revolt", with a bow and arrow, BEFORE asking the poor slaves, many of whom were subsequently SHOT DEAD, whether they were up for it.
She's also stupid!
Hint: If you and your adversary are standing on a ladder-bridge over the chasm of lost souls(or whatever) and you're on the SAFE side of the ladder, YA DON'T TUSSLE YOUR WAY BACK ONTO THE UNSAFE SIDE AND KICK THE LADDER AWAY, DUMMY. Ya hightail it to the SAFE side and THEN kick the ladder away. What a monumental eejit!
Bright (2017)
I can standz no more!
I knew it! I knew it!! These scripts are being churned out by a complex algorithm of some sort, possibly called...Scriptmagic...for beginners(limited trial version).
A bunch of elves, orcs and fairies live among humans...for no discernible reason. Orcs are considered lesser beings, Elves are magical, mystical and powerful and Fairies buzz around like annoying blowflies...all for no discernible reason. There's also a dragon that likes to fly above the city, but is otherwise unconcerned with events on terra firma(typical dragon). Oh! And some hothead cop hates Orcs...because(?) his ancestors killed millions of 'em back in ye olden days...in Russia(???).
What the actual...fudge???
Psssst. I've a sneaking suspicion Orcs are supposed to be Turks(more broadly backward hot-headed "tribalists"...if ya know what I mean), a-la Lord Of The Rings. ;-)
Subtle...really really subtle...LIKE A SLEDGEHAMMER TO THE FACE!
Can you dejooce who the Elves are supposed to represent, grasshopper?
Love (2016)
Oh my. That was quite silly.
I just watched the entire series(In 4K no less - free first month Netflix re-subscription dontchaknow), and I audibly tittered or laughed maybe...five times.
To be perfectly honest I only watched it for Gillian Jacobs...coz she so puuurdy. If she wasn't in it I probably would've stopped watching midway through season 1. Gus is not only physically...quite plain looking(that's being generous), and would never even get a look in with those sorts of women...unless he was already "someone" in Hollywood, he's also completely unfunny and uncharismatic, like some sort of demented lovechild of Woody Allen and Larry David.
And what mainstream production would be complete without multiple references to "crazy truthers" and how crazy they are? Edgy A F!
The series should've been called "Awkward Unfunny Nerd's Extended Wet Dream". Totally unrealistic and, frankly, quite insulting.
And Gillian...if you're so easily compelled to slobber all over THAT dude...maybe you and I should have a little talk some time. I'll make you a STAAAAAAH! Honest!
Call me - 555 LURV. :-)
Kill the Messenger (2014)
This film is a limited hangout.
The entire film is a limited hangout.
The butler didn't do it.
It wasn't Colonel Mustard with the candlestick in the conservatory.
The Communist Revolution was merely one act in the ongoing play called "official history".
You're still in the matrix Neo.
This SOCIETY has too many people who consistently make OF THEmselves a SPECTACLE.
Pacific Rim (2013)
That...was...awesome!
First this thing goes WOOSH, and then this other thing goes BLAM, and then this guy goes BROOD, and this Japanese chick goes SWOON, and then this robot goes KAPOW, and then this monster goes SCREECH, and then this Australian guy goes "G'Doy Moit"(it was a TOTALLY convincing accent), and then this scientist goes AAAGGGHHH, and then this smarter scientist goes PISH TOSH, and then wotsizname...Hellboy goes I'M TOUGH AS NAILS, and then...something happens to him and he don't seem so tough no more(AWESOME plot twist!), and then this black British guy goes GRRRR, and then this hole opens up and everyone goes OH NO! - not necessarily in THAT order, and then...and then...I can't remember anything else coz...mommy said I passed out from too much sugar.
My rating - 11 out of Chocolate.
Deliver Us from Evil (2014)
Deliver us from Catholic propaganda
The power of Socrates compels you! The power of Aristotle compels you! The power of REASON compels you! The power of PHILOSOPHY compels you! The power of SCIENCE compels you! The power to read a book, ANY BOOK(besides the Bible) compels you! The 21st century beckons! The wide and wonderful universe awaits!
Enter reality now...or be left behind.
Movie was crap...BTW.
Oh! In case anyone's wondering, I believe the demon's name was Jongler.
Etymology - Old French jangler: to entertain. Modern English - Catholic Priest: one who titillates with fear porn.
If you're gonna be a religious nutter, LEARN HOW TO RECOGNIZE REAL "DEMONS"!
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
I started a joke....my review of 'Targetted Bill-dividual'.
(Only mild, kinda vague spoilers so...be brave and read!)
Gooooood gooooogly mooooooogly people!
It's a psychological mind game! And everyone's in on the joke but Bill, and possibly his wife, or else she's the mastermind.(remember, we didn't see the film Kubrick intended)
At no stage during the film is Bill in control of his destiny. It's likely Kubrick's attempt to reveal a pervasive, insidious modern phenomenon known as Gangstalking(I call it the modern inquisition. You can call it 'The Guilt Game', if you like)
Watch it again and take note of the facial expressions of seeming 'bit players', like the hotel attendant and the diner waitress(and Bill suspected EVERYONE...eventually, including his wife).
The hooker didn't have AIDS. Her room mate told Bill that to chip away at his sanity, and to further emasculate him, which is why she rubbed up against him to begin with - to get his 'fires' started.(The sexiest scene in the film for my money...which is saying something, since they were both fully clothed)
Hooker 1 couldn't reveal that she didn't have sex with Bill to her masters, for fear of displeasing them(the explanatory scene was probably ALSO cut from the film). As far as all the other 'players' were concerned, they had sex...so the 'game' was still on. But Bill's suspicions were raised because learning of her AIDS diagnosis was essentially irrelevant to him, since he didn't have sex with her, which the room-mate should've known.
Remember the newspaper Bill picks up late at night? What does it say? What are the odds that Bill would pick up that newspaper at that time and read that headline?
The reason the movie doesn't make sense is because it was de-sense-itized.
'The Cabin In The Woods'(the start at least) is another example of this 'game', and how it might work.
Know Thy Self, or place your destiny in other people's hands! Free will is...being eroded and...I lament for future generations.
Oh! You were probably after a written review...
The film(in its current form) is all foreplay and no pay-off, metaphorically speaking. I give it...meh...stars.
X: First Class (2011)
Why would u shapeshift into a fat chick?
Let me preface what Im about to say by admitting that I myself am mildly overweight(so it's not an insult, just an observation):
There are 3.5 Billion women(give or take) on the planet and not one of them, I repeat, not one of them would willingly choose to be overweight! So why does a women who has the ability to choose any form she likes deliberately choose to be a fatty. Silly silly silly.
After I saw the shapshifter(as an adult) shift into a chunker, or vice versa, I found it hard to take the movie seriously at all. In fact I was insulted, and subsequently lost all interest in the creator's vision.
The movie is about a 5/10 but I gave it one star for balance.
See it once(and only once), laugh at the ineptitude of the script writers, director and supporting cast and move on.
Salò o le 120 giornate di Sodoma (1975)
Goo-goo, gaa-gaa. Where's my pacifier?
Poo, pee, porn, gay porn, rape, torture, degradation! There! Now you don't have to watch it!
This film perfectly illustrates what happens to a person(or culture) that co-opts deeply profound insights from intellectual giants (upon whose shoulders they've undeservedly scrambled) without fully understanding them.
They are consequently overwhelmed! (the film makers, de-Sade, Dante and Neitszche included)
Children attempting to explain childish acts to other children.
It started with the Renaissance and nothing has changed: "We have translated the 'classics', now we have the tools required to understand everything" Therefore: "God is dead, we are God"
Nearly 2500 years have passed and still they don't understand what they've been gifted.
Sad.........little........children.
Devil (2010)
Perfectly adequate horror movie
I'm struggling to understand what the nay-sayers find so wrong with this movie.
I can only surmise that they use IMDb reviews to showcase their critical technique and convince themselves that they're oh so clever in their condescension.
This is a good(not great) movie that is definitely worth a watch, at least once.
It may be predictable and preachy at times, but it delivers enough scares and suspense to warrant the price of admission.
Compared to some of the tripe that's dished out these days, this was a masterpiece(relatively speaking).
I liked it!
The Expendables (2010)
I Be A Moovey Revyewer
Poorly written, poorly directed, poorly edited, poorly acted. It's just a disjointed collection of silly action and comedy scenes that were cobbled together and eventually given the title of "movie".
Anyone who gave this pile of poop more than 2 stars is obviously an industry shill, because anyone who finds it anything less than an insult:
a) Can't count to three b) Can't form coherent sentences c) Can't pronounce "computer" let alone figure out how to work one well enough to submit an online review d) Is confined to an institution that doesn't allow access to the outside (or online) world.
Just....so very sad. Nothing to see here. Move along please.
The Casino Job (2009)
It's really not a bad movie. Honestly.
I can't believe I signed up for IMDb after watching The Casino Job but I felt compelled to let the world know that they shouldn't overlook any movie based on budget, hype, or "production values".
I almost stopped watching early on in the movie due to the "soft-core porn" feel of it but decided to stick at it just to see what happens and, blow me down, the movie grew on me and I was ultimately rewarded.
Let's be clear - the movie ain't winning any awards any time soon but......the plot was interesting, the girls are sexy, the attempt was heartfelt and honest and the people involved at no time take themselves too seriously.
Sure it looks amateurish, the dialogue is simplistic and the performances are as wooden as the Amazon rain forest but it's still an entertaining movie and better than 90% of the tripe that's churned out by Hollywood.
In fact, if you replaced all the actors with "real" Hollywood actors and jazzed up the dialogue you could quite easily turn this into a Hollywood blockbuster.
I really feel the people involved deserve credit for a decent effort at movie-making on what was obviously a shoe-string budget.
Well done!