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Handarazuur
Reviews
The Cave (2005)
Another Ten Little Indians Movie
Cole Hauser has starred in two movies featuring a bag of mixed talent stumbling through dark places with hordes of toothy flying monsters in hot pursuit. In the first he played second banana to Vin Diesel and died halfway through. In 'The Cave' he is top dog, which alone should throw up alarm bells in your mind.
Just once, someone should make one of these movies, where the Monster of the Week plays Ten Little Indians with whoever they can find, and cast only actors who have survived similar situations in other movies. You wouldn't know who was next on the jugular-slashing list, unlike this movie which features ... well, a bunch of people who've appeared on TV and in bit parts.
'The Cave' lies in the habitable zone between good films and bad films. There's some very nice scenery on display here, and I applaud the cinematographer for going to all the trouble to film in these beautiful Romanian caves. The monsters themselves, while implausible and borrowing elements from at least three earlier and better ones, were convincing in the way they were shot, with a combination of CGI and puppetry/animatronics creating a fearsome atmosphere.
And that's as nice as I'm going to get. The acting and the screenplay were the kind of thing we've seen so many times it's cliché. The action sequences were so jumpy I had no idea what was going on, and I ultimately couldn't care less if they had all died in that cave network. Characterisation was non-existent, personalities were interchangeable, and while the foley artist gets cookie points for some unnerving monster sounds, the soundtrack guy was trying too hard to emulate 'Psycho'.
Add a superfluous "Gosh darnit I hope we get to make a sequel!" ending, and we have a film that's middle-of-the-road watchable. For fans of the genre only.
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002)
Smarter than your average dumb comedy
Occasionally, you come across a film that you know won't appeal to everyone. Take 'South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut' and 'Yentl' as examples. Both seem to divide viewers into two groups; the group that thinks the film is the greatest thing ever committed to celluloid, and the group that thinks the film is a great way to torture prisoners before execution.
'Kung Pow: Enter the Fist' is an incredibly entertaining film, if you know what you're seeing. The film has been shredded by film reviewers that saw its ultra-lowbrow humour and nothing else. Truth is, this one of the smarter dumb comedies floating around Hollywood.
The premise of the film is extraordinarily simple, as was the style of 70s martial arts films. A man (dubbed the Chosen One, and dubbed by Steve Oedekerk) seeks revenge on an evil villain (dubbed Betty, aka Master Pain, and also dubbed by Steve Oedekerk). With the plot being so simple, more jokes can be crammed in.
Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of the film is the fact that, with the exception of a small handful of scenes, the whole film is actually a 1978 flick titled 'Tiger and Crane Fists', with the soundtrack and voices removed, and replaced by Steve Oedekerk. The guy's voicebox must have looked like a haemorrhoid on an elephant by the end, because with the exception of Jennifer Tung's Whoa (aka The One-Boob Chick), Oedekerk dubs the whole film.
The result is a dumb comedy that reinvents the dumb comedy genre in a way that very few dumb comedies are capable of. It pokes fun of a genre, not by creating a new film, but by using an old film in the new way. Think 'Mystery Science Theatre 3000' but with new actors and scenes in the film itself, and you have what 'Kung Pow: Enter the Fist' is.
While it's a hilarious film, some parts do tend to drag on a little, and a few of the jokes don't quite hit the mark that makes people laugh. Still, it's a good way to spend 85 minutes.
--Hand
8/10
Murder by Death (1976)
Moose, moose you imbecile!
It would be an understatement to say that this is a great comedy.
No, seriously.
The plot itself is simple. The five greatest detectives in the world (parodies of other fictional ones), and their trusty sidekicks, are invited to the home of Lionel Twain for dinner and a murder. He knows who is going to die, he knows who the murderer is, and he knows the exact time when the murder will take place. Whoever solves the mystery gets a million bucks. Easy!
Unfortunately, Twain's the murder victim.
You can expect a real all-star cast in this one, each one giving brilliantly funny performances. Honestly, this beats "Blazing Saddles" for madcap slapstick. If you're a fan of Mel Brooks, and you find the idea of Peter Sellers arguing with a moosehead funny, this is definitely the film for you.
5/5
Gojira vs. Kingu Gidorâ (1991)
Now that's more like it.
Beware. Spoilers lie within.
Every so often, from the bowels of Japan's film industry comes a really really good movie. More not than often, it is a kaiju movie. For the uninitiated, Kaiju is the Japanese word for "Monster". When I saw this film, I could think only one thing. Japan's film industry had released a really really good movie.
A group of men and women from the 22nd century, in a UFO that boggles the mind. Their leader is our token Caucasian man, and his name is Wilson. Wilson and Co. explain that, in the 21st century, Godzilla causes Japan to be irradiated, because his bout with New York left him really depressed. They propose that a three man and one android team be sent back to 1944, before Godzilla became irradiated and turned into our second favourite Tokyo-smushing monster (Gamera being a personal numero uno kaiju of mine). There, they will transport him under an ice shelf, therefore making it that Godzilla never existed. These "Futurians" apparently have no concept of the Temporal Prime Directive, or, in layman's terms, Why Messing Around With The Past Will Really Mess Up The Present. Oh, well, what can you do?
They do get to 1944, and, after watching the Americans take a beating from our Godzillasaurus (this consequently led to the cheesiest line in cinema history, "Take that, you dinosaur!"), the Futurians successfully beam Godzillasaurus to the Bering Sea, the mission is over, and everyone goes home to sing karaoke and eat ramen. Ha, I had you fooled, didn't I? You see, the Futurians have a little something called an Ulterior Motive. Just before they leave for the present, the woman Futurian, Emmy (or is it Bafta?) releases into the wilderness three small genetically engineered pets, which she calls "Dorats". They return to the present only to find that Japan is now under attack from our favourite three headed monster. No, I'm not talking about Cerberus, or even Fluffy. I'm talking about King Ghidorah.
That's right, the big KG is back, and he's shooting down planes, buildings and basically whatever the heck he wants to. You see, in the 22nd Century, Japan dominates the world economy, and these Futurians are actually extremists who want to level the playing field by destroying Japan. They've permanently borrowed their time-travelling UFO, and plan to reorganise the world, therefore violating the Temporal Prime Directive and causing their cause to no longer exist, meaning that they all disappear in a quantum puff of smoke.
All right, I was fooling you again. History doesn't act properly, and King Ghidorah continues knocking over city blocks. All is not lost, however. A Russian sub hits something in the Bering Sea. Three guesses as to what it is they hit. Anyway, before anyone knows what's going on, Godzilla has mutated anyway, and is off to pay Japan a visit, if you know what I mean.
Viewers can interpret this as either a good film or a bad film, depending on what they like in a film, and depending on how picky they are. Nothing's perfect (if I ever see an android really run like that, I swear...), but it's still one of the best modern slices of Kaiju to date. I recommend it for anyone who is a big fan of Kaiju, or someone who is looking for something good for a lonely Saturday. It's also a great film to watch if you're in desperate need of a laugh.
Handarazuur gave this film five stars. Not four; five!
The Adventures of Lano & Woodley (1997)
Hysterical
These two men, Colin Lane and Frank Woodley, have done something amazing for television. They have reinvented physical comedy, and in the process have created one of the greatest comedy shows on the planet. The best one I've seen so far would have to be "The Pool", but all the others are brilliant as well. I strongly suggest you watch this show.
P.S. Empty your bladder before watching. Yes, it's that funny!
Spaceballs (1987)
One of the great comedies of our time
I first saw this film nearly ten years ago, and in my eyes, it's barely aged. It still brings up huge cackling laughs. Anyone who loves science fiction, as well as Mel Brooks at his very best, should definately watch this film.
5 out of 5!