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House of the Dragon: The Queen Who Ever Was (2024)
Sara Hess and Geeta Patel: Thumbs Down
There is no worse feeling for me when preparing to watch a new episode of House of the Dragon than to read in the opening credits the words: "written by Sara Hess and directed by Geeta Vansant Patel."
When I read this, I know I'll be in for an episode of side stares, emotional showdowns, courtyard discussions, and dresses pulled up to the ankles as queens march angrily through their castles. In other words, a big-budget episode of a daytime soap series not unlike "One Life to Live."
George Martin has said this: "Everywhere you look, there are more screenwriters and producers eager to take great stories and "make them their own." "The book is the book, the film is the film," they will tell you, as if they were saying something profound. Then they make the story their own.
They never make it better, though. Nine hundred ninety-nine times out of a thousand, they make it worse." End quote.
The Starling Girl (2023)
Soulless Ennui. Frustrated Incorporated
First, the story line of Starling Girl lacks any real surprise. What you see is what you get. And because of this, throughout this film you are merely waiting for the other shoe to drop. But maybe because we're all cynically desensitized with the depiction of power imbalances that the premise alone doesn't surprise you. Secondly, if a filmmaker is really trying to say something unique about America's sacred traditions like what happens in a church, if it's not to grab a headline and be scandalous about teen sex, organized religion and the dastardly deeds of the patriarchy of men, please...please..please tell it creatively, in a unique way, with a unique voice. With a unique way all your own.
Here's a film set in a remote Kentucky community. This community's whole life revolves around their church. And if one does anything unbecoming in this community, everyone will know about it and will judge you and ostracize you.
Starling's particular focus is on a 17 year girl well into puberty who's discovering her "sexuality." She wants to lead a dance at the church and show off her talent. The people at the church don't want this. But of course, there's a "young, gorgeous, youth pastor, who's done missionary work in Puerto Rico," and has just come home. They meet and the 17 year old heroine's hormones start exploding. The "hunky, soulful" youth pastor's hormones explode as well. Of course, to add to the scandal, the youth pastor also has a wife. Scandal! Sex! Power! Control!
The story of Starling Girl touches on this communities' belief's and how it is not supposedly in step with those around them this movie depicts this community as rigid and strict. If you want to do something out of the ordinary, they won't allow it.
And here's the bigger metaphor and irony with Starling Girl...the bigger picture: The sentiments of this film is not an outlier but rather another indictment on Sundance on who they've become, a community entity that only allows the voices within thier own narrow scope of what they see as worthy storytelling. Remember when Sundance was edgy and home grown? Now it is corporate and has been taken over by brands. It's what Soul Asylum called: Frustrated Incorporated. Starling Girl feels branded and, like its progenitor, Sundance, it is inspired by brand marketers trying to reach a demographic, and is soulless in its output. Like the Starling Girl director, they seek "new voices" but much of these voices seem to have very little NEW to say and very little talent.
Movies like this used to feel like little touch stones. Now they are given that Sundance polish of soulless ennui. Dear Sundance, when you look for "fresh voices" look for voices with something actual to say.
The Last of Us: Look for the Light (2023)
Online Blogger Criticism
The first 30 minutes of The Last of Us, episode one was actually very good. It set up a tone and atmosphere that created anticipation and dread. However, I struggled through most of the series because, in reality, we're talking about zombies and "Fireflies" vs. "Fedra." I continued on because the show was buoyed by decent performances and high production value. I have played the video game as well and prefer it. I prefer it mostly because of the action in the game.
How has this show made it through national criticism, unscathed? I'm embarrassed for the country as a whole for those who take shows like this so seriously. People who take video game maker, Neil Drunkmann seriously speaks VOLUMES and volumes.
The nature of pop culture film reviews and criticism has forever changed at the advent of online blogging.
One of the commenters mentioned how this show helps us to talk about something other than what's happening globally. The real horror in that statement is the ironic truth of that statement. Geeeek culture has taken over the internet and has, in some ways, helped dumbed down society and taken our focus away from real-world issues.
As a whole, we've been infantilised by our own tastes.
I know there will be a fury of negative blowback from my comment, and the people I'm talking about won't even read this entire review. Because, frankly, geeek culture has never been any good at taking criticism.
Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities: The Outside (2022)
Pandering Poop
This director truly sucks. And this film is the weakest of all of them. Weak as it was, it made its point 10 minutes into its laborious hour.
The issue is how the beauty industry preys on a subset of society, women. Yes, in the hands of someone with talent, a lot can be made of such an issue and can be turned into great art. Even have a powerful message.
This movie panders and hammers its one note point to ad nauseam.
At the midpoint of the story, it repeated the same motifs over and over, and you know why? Because the film and Lily Amiripour has nothing to say. The director is a copy and paste, derivative version of her betters. You can always expect a regurgitation of pop culture aesthetics and pastiche with this complete hack. Privilege drives a lot of mediocrity in pop culture.
At least the lens cap was taken off and it was in focus. She should try to focus on having something unique or individual to say.
Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022)
ROTTEN TOE MATOES
The fact that "critics" on rottentomatoes gave this obnoxious, infantile dookie of a movie a 90 PERCENT RATING tells you all you need to know about the state of affairs of online movie critics. They're a bunch of movie fans with an internet connection and online blog. The art of movie criticism is over. It's everyone for themselves.
Irma Vep (2022)
A Peek Behind the Curtain of Pop Culture
The Horror in this show is not vampires! It's the overpaid, self important vanity of actors in todays show business!
The FIRST 15 MINUTES OF EPISODE ONE set the tone. And it gets worse from there.
THINGS TO HATE: 1.) An absolutely annoying, monotone, HIPSTER, NERD ASSISTANT
2.) It is jam-packed with lesbianism (look how Hollywood is trying to normalize it)!
3.) It celebrates, celebrity obsessive culture
Episode 2:
4.) Carrie Brownstein (who told her she can act?).
And on and on and on. Et. Al.
Ironic how the writer, director, Oliver Assayas, lampoons the superficiality of obsessive fans and the smug, ego-driven, superficiality of OVER-PAID ACTORS, yet, he himself is as complicit to its implications as much as he is a part of it. He puts a magnifying glass to it, but also deconstructs it by making that wretched, very thing!
One positive note: This mini series does give insight into how absolutely hollow and bloated the modern entertainment business is. It shows the overly indulged, lifestyle of the people in this business. Billions of dollars are spent to support these manufactured narcissists called actors, who's only contribution in the world is pretending to be someone else and playing make believe for a living. So much for the real auteurs and artists out there who are overshadowed by all of this.
NOTE: Check the demographics stats here on IMDB to see who actually likes this mess. Americans lead the world in celebrity obsessed, youth obsessed, consumer culture. To the ones out there that are over 15 years old, it's ironic that you like this series because IT'S AN INDICTMENT.
Irma Vep: The Thunder Master (2022)
Hipsters, Celebrity Culture and Narcissism
The assistant to the actress is on my last nerve. Too much of that hipster, awkward , nerd vibe going on and its all too real and all too annoying. How much of it is the character and not the actress? Do they offer social skill classes like they did in the 40's and 50's anymore?
Anyways, there's some light humorous jokes - dark humor and no Carrie Brownstein, so that's the bright side. The German actor, Lars Edinger, playing Gottfried is absolutely brilliant.
And I do like the show's sentiments on the desire to generally produce great art that adds something to the world, despite the indulgences of the medium and how pop culture swallows up true beauty and spits it out into crass, throw away noise.
But the neurotic, obsessive indulgence of director Assayas, and the celebration of celebrity culture is definitely on maximum display in episode 6.
The Old Man: V (2022)
Great idea, Great Character. NO to whoever directed this one.
By far the worse episode of the series.
The director of this installment is H. O. R. R. I. B. L. E.
And the story is becoming a winding, soapy mess. For those of you who like endless backstory, you got it. This particular episode feels like I was witnessing a theater play in slow motion. Lots of grand dialogue and no real meat. Sure, this issue rests on the shoulders of the writers but the handling of this is entirely on the show runners and the director.
And now the Zoe character is in full swing and turning out to be exactly what I was AFRAID would happen. DEAR WRITERS: please.... In your attempt in being "inclusive," and making some "strong (unnecessary) female character, you've succeeded in dismantling what could've been a very gritty, dangerous, unnerving, no-nonsense crime thriller. It's far from that now. It's a SOAP OPERA, a TELE-NOVELLA, and daytime, tv talk show: "The View."
And whomever the director, Zetna Fuentes is, Please DON'T DIRECT CRIME THRILLERS anymore! Or anything with guns or gangsters, or crime whatsoever, or danger, or, for a matter of fact, anything with a script.
Don't Look Up (2021)
Stop the celebrity cult obsession! Wow!
This film is the exact reason why Hollywood needs to re-acess it's "movie star" system. Great movies do not need popular named actors to make a film good. And popular actors CAN'T SAVE BAD MOVIES.
I present you exhibit A: Don't Look Up.
"Don't Look Up" is only occasionally, and slightly humorous but definitely doesn't warrant any real attention. The story involves a cataclysmic event involving a 10 mile wide meteor hitting earth. The result is a bunch of actors mugging the camera and not adding anything to the plot yet basically winking at the camera during their cameo. It's like thumbing through your high school year book and looking at the popular, rich kids. I was one of them, I know.
The reason why Hollywood has been slow to cease pandering to the American audience with bloated, over paid, superficial movie stars is because of America's obsession with celebrity.
It was difficult to watch this annoying movie. It's long and the comedy rarely hits. What it really is, is a SELF INDULGENT, SMARMY, HOLLYWOOD KISS A**, SMUG piece of crap. And let's not talk about the salaries these actors get paid to play make believe.
And it's also because of you, the American movie going audience, that keeps consuming these mediocre products and feeding into this MONSTROSITY.
This movie gets a hard 1 out of 10.
Synchronic (2019)
Film School Thesis Film
How absolutely banal and poor taste is it to have the black character not only go back in time to not one but TWO instances of America's wretched past, having been stuck for good in the last one. It's as if black people, for some, are too associated with the last 200 years of American history by white people, and can't be free from the depictions of that hateful time when it's written by these people. Yes, the rumination of the sins of those who proceeded Americans today bear down on this country now, but this is still a very low brow, unintelligently, badly written and concieved movie. The acting was professional but that's what they get paid to do... The production, however, feels like a high school film project or like a thesis film from a second tier film school.
Fast Color (2018)
Another trivial, silly movie helping to stunt the growth of adults & adolescents
The endless amount of ridiculous, adolescent movies being pumped out of hollywood is unbelievable. This film is a dystopian drama, a superhero film and a bit of a chase film. All sub genre's I can like.
.... But...this talentless director managed to make her superhero movie nothing more than false pretense and melodramatic family drama.
SCENES LOOK LIKE THIS:Talking and crying in the kitchen.Talking and hugging in the yard. Hugging. Talking. Crying and yelling. ETC. ETC. Which might sound like what dramas consist of but in good dramas you feel compelled by the conflicts that rise above the stuff you'd hear discussed at the round table on "The View."
And she, Julia Hart the director, has the privileged chutzpah to ride the popular, trendy wave of "calling out" hollywood for not employing females??? While offering nothing absolutely at all other than a mediocre, touchy feely snooze fest? Really? We need better directors and writers NOT just females who can't write or direct out of a paper bag. Current movie critics are comprised of online bloggers and comic book nerds who's frame of reference are video games and the cartoon network. Enriching books as reference points to these critics are graphic novels. A "CLASSIC" WOULD BE something like the graphic book Akira. People giving this mediocre movie a pass or even loving it, says more about the painful immaturity of the fan base for these films than even what this trite film has to offer.
Haywire (2011)
Can't suspend belief enough for this woman
Here's the real deal, in a room full of bad guys, no matter
how trained a government agent can be, it is damn near and I mean pretty damn near a impossible that a secret agent woman will emerge out of all those bad guys. I don't care how much "MMA," she can muster up. It's not happening. Blame physics not anything from some "boys club."
This film has a lot going for it retro feel, espionage, cars, Euro cache, world smarts, and martial arts. The cast is pretty good. But this main hero and wayward plot....ruined any sort of suspension of belief. It just can't hold under any kind of scrutiny. Storyline aside, Carrano's acting is horrible. I just don't believe her . Even when she's simply standing looking off camera. It went from potential to light entertaint, to whimsical farce to silly crap.
One True Loves (2018)
Twee
Everything is very polished here, very neat and tucked with that "indie" feeling. "Indie," is no longer cutting edge. "indie," is just another brand. The film definitely feels very "L.A," where you can find your run of the mill, decent child and adult actors around every corner.
This movie: Sweet, twee and unbearable. Another in a long, long, long, loooong line of cutesy indie films... featuring awkward "relationships." Of course from a girls perspective. How is it that romantic relationships always manage to find its way into scripts helmed by American women? That's probably for another discussion but at least the character here... isn't a lesbian, which is also very trendy and indie too...at least right now. Maybe in part 2 or 3 if the writer/director/producer feel that they have a hit with this short film that maybe the character will toy with the idea of being a lesbian. Because this kind of indie, twee, cutesy, did I say "indie?" type of film is wholly original, right?
F*ck Yes (2016)
TRASH
This is what happens when you just let anyone write a movie and make it just because they are a woman. Complete P.O.S.
Clementine (2019)
No on every level
Please put the camera away and don't make anything anymore remotely resembling a movie...please.
Buzzcut (2016)
Take the camera away from these people and "actors"
The example of why the explosion of digital cameras is contributing to the deluge of 1,000's of extremely CRAPPY, PAINFULLY DUMB, TRITE digital movies being made in the last 10 years. The guys involved in this piece of doo doo wouldn't stick it out if it were not for a handful of people encouraging them and the relatively low cost of digital camera rentals.
I know that the word "Trash" is a compliment to these guys but somebody close to them please tell them to find another field.
The rolfish chicks in this film also look, and act as nauseating as the putridness depicted in the film.
The putrid effects shouldn't be blamed for any of the trash you would have to wade through by watching all 8 or so minutes of this circus crap.
Tijuana (2019)
What in the?
Who in the world pushed this through? We are experiencing an indulgent of mediocrity to promote political agendas. The victims of are average, movie going American's and their taste. The rallying cry from Hollywood should not be: "we need more women directors (which often has turned out to be white, American - caucasion, women)!" The rallying cry should be: we need more talented people behind the camera with different perspectives. And they need to be TALENTED. Not just women, not just because they're of color. Tijuana the movie feels extremely episodic, and melodramatic in the worse sense of the word. The more stuff like this that gets pushed through gatekeeper festivals like slamdance, sundance et. al. the less these festival organizations will be taken seriously.
A Quiet Place (2018)
Siskel and Ebert
The premise works. And the execution does not. For a film that had an innovative idea, the very production of it stripped it from a uniqueness of form and function to the hum drum hollywood trappings that hollywood itself relies on to generate artificial responses. I.e. A music soundtrack to invoke fear, sadness, calm, tension...
While the lack of sound is the motif that could have been used to amazing effect in the hands of an artist and or innovator, here it worked more as a gimmick and at times, failed its own inner universe due to implausibilities.
Music, as already stated, unfortunately, is used as the usual standard in this movie, and it is disappointing. Can you imagine a horror film WITHOUT a soundtrack??? The possibilities are astounding. Lots of other decisions within the plot are incongruous but that would be to pick apart the story which should be approached at face value and in a film like this, some of the inconsistent internalized logic must be overlooked to sustain believability. And, in the right mood, it can. Ultimately, the movie is entertaining. But not great. Its barely "good." The "rave" reviews out there - from "critics" are falsely at it again.
All in all, this is yet another movie that benefits by the absolute vacuum of good online film criticism which is de rigor nowadays. Film criticism is now regulated to online bloggers who are more fanboy / fangirls than deeply read, literate, surveyors of art history. The death of Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert marked the true beginning of the end to reliable movie criticism and now, as consumers, WE ARE ALL, TRULY, ON OUR OWN.
Annihilation (2018)
5 Females? Really? This Ruined the believability big time and marked the end.
First: The pros to this film,
1. The sense of unknown
2. The production value feels up to par
3. Natalie Portman is a good actress
4. Tessa Thompson is gorgeous and also a good actor
The cons:
1. This film is completely unbelievable in its lack of urgency toward something that is supposedly engulfing the planet.
2. If a group of Marines or expert soldiers are constantly sent out and continuously never come back, WHY ARE WE THINKING 5 WOMEN not necessarily trained, including 2 scientists, 1 paramedic (?) can get the job done? This absolutely SANK this movie. It's impossible to overlook though I tried and tried.
3. Some of the things these characters did were simply ridiculous. No one on the planet is that brave. One takes "watch" at night alone, while others sleep....really??? This isn't Platoon and the jungle vs the Viet Cong. They not too earlier had already seen a GIANT ALLIGATOR with an insane row of vicious teeth.
One disappears into the forest, taken, screaming in agony, by another ferocious creature, and one later goes looking for her, again....ALONE.
Listen, women as like men, are capable of doing heroic feats in the face of life threatening, dangerous circumstances but the government, desperate for answers and results would train and deploy teams better than this. These women are not "badasses," heck, most men wouldn't do the things these characters in this movie does.
4. The LAW OF ECONOMY OF CHARACTERS. You know, watching this, that all 5 will not survive, and just like any slasher film, one by one, each one gets taken.
This ruins suspense and the overall uniqueness.
5. Credit needs to BE GIVEN TO TARKOVSKY'S beautiful and superior "STALKERS."
As one poster here already has mentioned, even the water motifs in this film is borrowing from Tarkovsky's masterpiece. Which is fine, just give it credit.
We, as artists, all steal from our heroes, and Tarkovsky is the best.
Summary:
THE over HYPE IS REAL again with yet another mediocre film. This isn't an awful movie its just not great by absolutely any standards.
Rachel Getting Married (2008)
2 hour movie about a female Narcissistic Addict? BADDD!
There is nothing noble, empowering nor transcendent about watching the drama unfold of a female, American addict. There is nothing complex. If you think the self indulgent, self obsessed, sociopath behavior of a typical American woman who feels she didn't get hugged enough is worth watching a film about, here you go. Having met enough of these type of ladies and believe me, they're everywhere, there is no way I can stomach watching a film where actually one is starring in it. Although, because of their narcissism, this makes perfect sense for these characters. They believe that they are the star of the worlds narrative. People go on about Hathaway's performance. Are you kidding? This is an actress just simply being. Any actor will tell you this. Put this in the pile with 'gangsters,' 'coke dealers,' 'professors,' etc. This isn't a grand look at a tour de force role of anything new. Actors riff stuff like this as a warm up exercise in an acting class. Believe it.
To those that this description fits. Know this: It must be great being a young woman in the western world nowadays: More education than young men, complete freedom to have sex whenever you want, huge pool of men to choose from, a whole culture watching after your psychological and physical well-being even if you do mistakes and make wrong life-choices. I would be a huge narcissist too, thinking my life is one big movie starring ME as the main role of this epic, beautiful, emotional and deep minded story, that is also wealthy and romantic. Until you wake up and realize you AGE. You will get older every day. And somewhere around 30 years old, you will realize that everybody ages, work and money and good looking tall men are not everything - and might even be a huge exception. Then you realize having children and having a stable loving family might just be the most important thing after all - because as you age, you will also see that a lot of your feminist "sisters" simply went the comfortable way in the end, just getting a normal man as a husband and father, suddenly don't wanna go out with you anymore, because they have to pay bills and care for their children. At this moment, since you realize that no one is paying attention to your putrid, wreck of a life - you have only two choices left: be nicer and shut up or be alone like a whole list of older, bitter women who have lied to you.
Sugar Babies (2016)
Glamorizing the f'd up lifestyle of sugar baby prostitutes
If these guys are glamorizing the dubious world of sugar babies and girls who "date, (euphemism)," men for money and gifts and "mentorship (euphemism)," then I, like many others, will loathe & despise fully hate this movie. It's funny how things cycle through civilizations. Sub societies grab hold of something like its new and indulge never thinking of the consequences. Sugar babies with daddy issues who use names like suzienymph or hazeleyes, or dolly haze are a dime a dozen...funny but sadly, pathetically funny....'nuff said.