derekph-1 Reviews

How It Ends (2021)

SPOILER ALERT: They all die.

[5/10 · 11 January 2022]

I found this mostly depressing. Lots of self-indulgent BS, easy targets, clichéd psycho-babble, "We're bored because of the pandemic so let's make a home movie with all our famous friends, oh boy!" How much did they spend? - Like, $10,000? Not much, right?

I watched the first 20 minutes maybe, then fast-forwarded through the rest with closed captioning turned on so I could speed-read the dialogue and know when to stop and watch a scene, took another thirty minutes for that. Mostly boring, a few grins, fun trying to name the actors, the cameo bits, but it did make me think about myself. I'm 80, and every day is like that for me, waiting for the end, agonizing about how I effed-up, how I might have done better, what a loser I am, how pathetic, arguing with all my Younger Selves. She has just one? If only.

Couldn't they afford shampoo for the lead? Her hair looks like she just got out of bed after a two-week bout of COVID-19. Greasy, scraggly, dull. I don't think it's been combed in a year. I'm gay, so maybe that's some breeder thing I don't get - do straight guys really like that look? Tie it back, puff it out, trim it, anything! And that lipstick! Looks like it was spread on with a paint roller.

Still, I give it a sold 5/10, which means for idiots like me it's not a total waste of time, if you fast-forward a lot.

City of Fear (1959)

Really?

[3/10 · 8 October 2017]

Barely watchable nourish radiation-fear exploitation thriller about escaped convict (Vince Edwards) who is carrying a canister of radioactive Cobalt 60 that he thinks is heroin. Hilarity ensues. But really. If cops were this stupid, no crooks would ever get caught. ** SPOILER ALERT *** First, no photo of him? A convicted criminal? Really? Second, don't tell any of his accomplices how dangerous the canister is – they may not believe you, but so what? You have a chance, at least. Really. Third, don't bother to follow his accomplices, they might lead you to him! Really. Fourth, radiation from the canister would not leave the surroundings radioactive if none of the contents escaped. Really. Fifth, what the F is that canister made of? They said it was some sort of steel, but he can't dent it with chisels and sledge-hammers. Really? Sixth, after three days in direct contact with that canister, he should be totally helpless, not beating up his buddy and running around the streets. Really. Seventh, these cops are the worst interrogators in the world, they never ask a useful question. Really. 3/10 for the cool 50's cars and views of LA. And Edwards is eye candy. But really.

Korla (2015)

I'm not making this up

[8/10 · 8 March 2017]

This film popped up on one of my local (SF Bay Area) PBS stations, and the name was odd enough to catch my eye, so I DVR'd it, and eventually, because it was taking up a lot of space, I watched it, not expecting much. Silly me. It's a delight. First, the story it tells is fascinating, about a man who creates, and lives for fifty years, an imaginary character, in order to have a career that would otherwise be impossible. Second, the archival footage and commentary are enthralling, especially to a Californian. There are scenes of LA in the forties and fifties that are to die for, and if you don't wish you could visit Kelbo's Restaurant on Pico (Google it, I dare you) after watching this, you're on the wrong planet. How did I not know about this guy before? There's a dark side to the story that emerges in the final third - and in these early days of the Trump-Bannon era, are a bit chilling - but still, if you don't laugh and cheer at this, you need new batteries in your pace-maker. I seldom award more than seven stars to a movie, but this one is a solid eight!

Scorpion (2014–2018)

Beneath contempt

[1/10 · 7 October 2014]

Here's what I don't get. Scorpion, total garbage, with deplorably bad writing, a terrible cast, and a mindlessly dumb and unbelievable plot - gets a rating here on IMDb of 7.3 from 4400 voters, while Madam Secretary, with top-notch writing, actors and production - a real gem - gets 7.1, from 1500 voters?

Oh, and over 2,000 of the Scorpion votes are 8 or higher.

Hmmm.

I think IMDb needs to improve its voting screening system, there cannot be 2000 people stupid enough to think Scorpion is that good. My opinion of the American viewer just isn't that low.

Hawaii (I) (2013)

The Emperor's New Clothes

[1/10 · 18 July 2014]

I watched this because it was rated so high here on IMDb, and because I'm gay and like gay-positive films. I'm writing this review because I hated this film, and think someone has to say this – it's long, tedious, boring, amateurish – like watching paint dry. If it were a short – 30 minutes long, tops – it might work. Most of the film is just repetitive shots of one or the other of the two protagonists in extreme close-up, gazing longingly at something or other. Those close-ups are a mystery, like the film maker was so in love with either his actors (neither of which is that attractive, frankly) or his camera that he couldn't pick which shots to use, so he threw them all in. I found myself asking "Why this shot? What's he looking at? Why show me this?" That's a bad sign, when the way the film is made overpowers the story. But what story? Two guys want each other, but neither is willing to make the first move, so they both send signals, and nothing happens. Then one of them gets the courage to make a move, and the other rebuffs it! WHY? Eventually he gets a clue, and they kiss, and that's the end. What, they live happily ever after? Like I say, 20 or 30 minutes of this would have been plenty. Skip it.

Free Fall (I) (2013)

Full of lies

[1/10 · 16 July 2014]

The message of this movie seems to be that gay men are predatory stalkers who pursue straight men so they can convert them to a life of drugs and unfaithfulness and debauchery. Kay stalks Marc and by kissing him impregnates him with the gay sickness, so that he abandons his female partner (with whom he has a child, but they are not married – what's that about?), and loves gay sex, and goes to discos --- I think. The filmmakers have not bothered to give us any background or insight about either character, so we just have to guess. But at the beginning Marc certainly seems a happy hetero. Then Kay kisses him and he can't resist. Really? No. I've never known that to be the case. One either has feelings for one's own sex, or one does not. Those feelings do not, suddenly, with no prior warning, appear. And people do not cheat on their partners unless their relationship is wrong, or they - the cheaters - are scum. So movies like Brokeback Mountain (which this is supposed to resemble – no, not at all) and Making Love (an excellent early gay film about an adult man coming to terms with the urges he has tried to ignore) are reasonably honest. But this one is not. Instead it panders to straight stereotypes about evil homosexuals and their agenda to make the world gay. If a kiss were all it took, we'd have converted you all (well, the cute ones, at least) long ago. The moral: If you're a good-looking straight man, don't let another man kiss you, he might be gay, and then you're doomed!

Shanghai Calling (2012)

A waste of time

[1/10 · 23 December 2013]

I wanted to like this. I thought it would be interesting to see what modern Shanghai is like, and how an American would adapt to life there. And the lead is cute.

Unfortunately, this was written by a ten-year old. I watched the first 40 minutes, trying to give it a chance, and every scene made me groan. The lead, Sam, supposedly a brilliant, successful lawyer, is sent to Shanghai to run his law firm's new office, apparently simply because he has some Chinese ancestry. He doesn't speak Chinese, he doesn't know the culture, and he doesn't want the job. Never mind, they pick him. So he accepts, with ill grace, and makes no effort at all to prepare for the assignment. No language lessons, no acquaintance with local law or culture, nothing. He'll just wing it. Really? So he walks in and offends everyone and makes a mess of everything he touches. What a shock.

I had to stop at the second mention of Awesome Wang. The joke is bad enough, but Sam's puerile reaction is much worse. Nothing he does seems to be guided by intelligence or logic, he always reacts like a Disney sitcom ten-year old boy.

So I gave up, and if I can save you from wasting time trying to watch this, my pain has served a purpose. Unless you like Disney-channel sitcoms. In that case, go for it.

By the way, Shanghai in this movie looks like every other modern metropolis. If there's any local charm, it's not shown. Visit Chinatown in San Francisco and you'll see more traditional Chinese culture.

On the Spot (2011– )

If they can't do basic math, can they be trusted on ANYTHING!?

[1/10 · 10 December 2013]

I ran across this show recently while channel surfing, and found it entertaining. Yes, the format is a bit hectic, but I got used to that. I watch and read a lot of science and history and technology, so I found the show interesting and informative. It provided the sort of material I like to slip into conversations at parties and bars and such - little tidbits of unusual information to get conversations started.

Then a recent episode claimed that a googol is 1 to the 100th power. No, a googol is TEN to the hundredth power. One to ANY power is still one. So I stopped watching - if they can't get something as basic as that right, they can't be trusted on anything else. If I have to go verify everything they say, it's not worth the trouble to watch. Too bad.

BTW, I'm talking about a newer version than the one described here - it was episode 302, and was not man-on-the-street Q&A (which would not interest me - I know that most people are stupid) - instead it just feeds the factoids rapid-fire with supporting stories.

Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage (2008)

Pure Schlock

[2/10 · 23 November 2013]

Like some other reviewers here, I was lured into watching this by Peter O'Toole's participation. But the name in the title - Thomas Kinkade - and the channel I saw it on - Hallmark - say it all. It's pure schlock - trite, hackneyed, predictable, blatantly sentimental, ponderously slow, heavy-handed, and manipulative. If you like Kinkade's paintings, you'll probably love this show. If, like me, you consider Kinkade's paintings trash, you should avoid this program.

I watched the first twenty minutes, and was astounded how bad it was - the mournful voice-over narration telegraphed sadness ahead, the characters and dialogue were clichéd, the story was so blatantly obvious I knew how it would end at once. The script was dreadful, the acting wooden. I fast forwarded, stopping to watch short segments, and it got worse. I watched the ending, just to assure myself I hadn't underestimated the show - alas, it was even worse than I expected, an ending so sappy and morose it was pathetic. O'Toole's performance is really no worse than anyone else's, but I expect a lot of him, so it was really embarrassing to watch him humiliate himself and let his fans down this way.

Don't get me wrong - I like a bit of cheap sentimentality now and then, especially this time of year. I enjoy a good tear-jerker, if it's well done. I like A Miracle on 34th Street, and It's a Wonderful Life, and White Christmas, and A Christmas Carol, and especially Bad Santa. I just like it done with a little skill, not cranked out like cotton candy.

BTW, one of my favorite Christmas tear-jerkers is The Christmas Tree (1969), with William Holden and Virna Lisi. They used to run it on TV every Christmas, but I guess it's too old now. If you can find it, and like a good cry, give it a try. I still get teary-eyed when I hear the guitar theme - "Romance" by Narciso Yepes, composed originally for the film "Jeux Interdits."

The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2001)

For children only

[1/10 · 2 February 2013]

If I had read the other reviews here before DVRing this, I would not have bothered. I was able to stomach fifteen minutes of it before I checked these reviews - and the overall rating - and realized I'd made a mistake. It is definitely for children, there's absolutely nothing to hold an adult's interest. Not that I don't enjoy a kid movie now and then - the Nicholas Cage film with the same name as this one was worth watching. I like stories about Merlin and magic, when they are intelligently handled and well produced. I found the first Potter film only mildly entertaining. And this film is not nearly as well written or acted - and certainly not nearly as well produced as those. It feels made-for-TV, very low budget. So if you are looking for something to keep your four-year old occupied for a while, this might work. Just don't expect to enjoy sharing the experience.

Maigret: La maison de Félicie (2002) Season 11, Episode 4

One of the weaker Maigret episodes

[4/10 · 29 January 2013]

The Bruno Cremer versions of the Maigret stories work for me - when they do - by creating an atmosphere, a nostalgia. It is less the stories I like than the characters and scenery, the evocation of the post-WWII era in France, eccentric people in sheltered, often delusional situations, and Maigret scowling and tsk-ing at their foolishness. He is wise, world-weary, cynical, never surprised by the weaknesses of his fellow human beings, but still hoping to find innocence or truth or honesty. When all of that clicks for me, I am entranced. But occasionally it does not, and this is one of the failures. I found it one of the weakest of the Maigret dramatizations I've seen. Its atmosphere borders on the surreal, with children and animals wandering pointlessly through the village scenes as though it were all a dream - they show up everywhere, serve no purpose, and for me interfere with the story. The players are mostly caricatures, reciting their lines in stylized fashion. The girl's behaviour borders on lunacy, and even when her foolishness nearly gets both her and her love-object killed, and it should be obvious he is not the culprit, she persists in hiding what she knows. Maigret, meanwhile, wanders about aimlessly as usual, finding the truth at last more by tenacity than deduction. I had a hard time watching it to the end, it just annoyed me.

Wallander: Mastermind (2005) Season 1, Episode 6

Worst of the lot

[1/10 · 2 January 2013]

I've liked all the others I've seen of this Swedish Wallander series. They're not high art, but they're serviceable cop drama. But this one had me groaning in frustration and disbelief. None of the cops has an iota of intelligence or sense, they act like puppets, doing exactly what the villain wants, never stopping to think what he might do next, or how to stop him. There's no way he could have infiltrated their department and avoided notice so completely, unless they are all incompetent boobs. And really, a few moments of standard detective work should have tracked him down in a few hours. Instead, we're subjected to a pointless series of inanities. Worthless garbage.

Maigret: Maigret et le marchand de vin (2002) Season 11, Episode 1

Creepy, atypical, disappointing

[3/10 · 2 January 2013]

I am a great fan of the Bruno Cremer Maigrets, but this is my least favorite of the twenty or so I have seen. Like most, it is very slow, which usually works for me, but in this case I found it ponderous. It also has a creepy voyeuristic style I hated. One could argue that was appropriate to the story, about a man who used his power and money to humiliate women, but I felt it went much too far, and interfered with the drama. Moreover, Maigret's treatment of his tracker, Pigou, is bizarre. He waits far too long to make any effort to apprehend him, and then simply waits for the man to come to him. I know the genre has changed a lot since Simenon wrote the novel this is based on, and it may be true to the book, but this was filmed in 2002, and today the failure to trap Pigou sooner seems bafflingly obtuse. Meanwhile Maigret's men are roughing up a couple of cheap hoods, whose story seems totally extraneous, its only function being so that at the end Maigret can tell Pigou "My inspectors...don't hit people" - even though Pigou has just witnessed them beating the two suspects. Huh? Fortunately, most of the series are much better than this one.

He's Such a Girl (2009)

Not gay.

[2/10 · 10 November 2012]

AVOID THIS MOVIE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! SPOILERS AHEAD!

I found this on Netflix online, and it seemed to have a gay theme, though that was unclear, but I'm gay and decided to try it anyway.

Just to be clear – the theme is Lesbian – sort of, though I find it hard to imagine anyone would relate to that. Whatever – not gay.

To start with, a cute cast, and lots of ambiguity and confusion, and all of that drew me in and made me overlook my serious misgivings. The first half hour was OK, but none of the characters seemed at all grounded in reality. Still, I was hoping the two male leads would find comfort in each other's arms.

But the farther it went, the clearer it was that nothing interesting would happen, and the more ridiculous it got. Elements that at first seemed humorous and engaging got really creepy and disturbing. And every character turned out to be so damaged and deluded that I hated them all.

Let's start with "Whitney," the male lead. He's adorable, but totally F'd up. He claims he had a wonderful family, but then his father died suddenly (how heartless!), and his mother's reaction was to leave town on a world tour, with a whispered plea "Don't hate me." She then torments her son with postcards from everywhere. Whitney is a wreck. Really? The guy is twenty-something, he should have some balls by now. But no. No balls – hence the title, I guess. Want a doormat? Call Whitney.

Whitney's girlfriend "Taylor," with whom he's been living for several years, is the product of a seriously dysfunctional family – fundamentalist Christians of the creepiest sort. Her father makes her take baths while he recites scripture to her, to cleanse her soul. Seriously. She leads a double – no, triple – life: dutiful saintly daughter, loving virgin-slut straight girlfriend, and (oh no!) lesbian. Which one will she choose?

Whitney, who has NO idea about Taylor's lesbian side (even though he watches her kiss her girlfriend), wants her to marry him, but she "needs more time," adding to Whitney's misery. Awww.

Trailing along after Taylor is her high school boy friend "Aldo," who knows her deep dark secrets, and makes her give him hand-jobs in return for his silence (I'm NOT making this up).

Aldo pretends to be Whitney's friend, but lies to him nonstop. And Whitney believes every word, despite Taylor's warnings.

Then there's "Tara," Taylor's real soul-mate, her lesbian lover, who pops up periodically demanding that Taylor make a choice.

Whitney is so brainless and puppy-dog faithful and trusting that it's hard to believe ANYONE could want to spend five minutes with him. His mother tries to come home, but takes one look at his desperate face and turns around and flees again – who can blame her?

Taylor is so damaged and deceitful it's hard to believe anyone would want her either.

Aldo is just desperate. And totally creepy.

The whole mess drags on and on and on, with complications so absurd they would be funny if any of it were less brainless. As it is, I just kept gaping in amazement and disgust.

Tara finally forces Taylor to make a choice, and the two walk off hand-in-hand into the sunset.

Blech!

Please save yourself the time you will waste watching this piece of garbage. You WILL regret it.

August (III) (2011)

Avoid - a waste of time

[1/10 · 1 September 2012]

I saw the short this is based on, and thought it was mediocre. The full-length version is just a stretched-to-death version of the short, and not worth watching. I was bored twenty minutes in, but decided to hang on, and wish I has stopped. The story is minimal, and the writing is terrible - long silences, followed by awkward conversations that reveal little about the characters. The camera work is dreadful - lots of shaky hand-held-camera closeups that wandered around aimlessly and left me totally confused about what was happening or why it mattered. The editing just confused things further - jumpy and jerky, with scenes out of sequence - why? The guys are attractive, but there's nothing I found erotic, so it's not worth watching for the eye candy. If you want an enjoyable gay love story, try Big Eden, or Grande École, or Heights, or Luster, or Making Love, or The Object of My Affection, or Sasha, or Shelter, or A Very Natural Thing.

Zerophilia (2005)

Totally NOT gay

[1/10 · 14 March 2012]

Awful. Somehow this got onto my list of gay-themed movies (I'm gay), so that's why I watched it. Let me say this right away - this is NOT a gay movie. Not even close. A few of the guys are moderately cute, but the situations are not erotic, so that doesn't amount to much. The idea for the story has some potential, it could have been interesting, but the way it's developed is so labored and boring that any potential is totally lost. The characters are all total hetero Neanderthals, both male and female. So it's a boring straight film, told in a boring manner. No humor, no intelligence, no imagination. I had to force myself to watch the last half, just so I could write this review and feel confident I was not selling it short. There wasn't a single moment in the entire film when I thought "Wow, that's clever." Instead, watching scene after scene, I was groaning in pain and disappointment. An idea with potential was totally squandered. Everything is after-school-special level insight and execution. Trust me, it's boring. And NOT gay.

The Big Bang (2010)

Blechh! But how does it end?

[1/10 · 10 January 2012]

First, read the other reviews that rate this lowest - no need to repeat what they say, yes, this is a total piece of garbage. Banderas is awful, the script is pathetic, everyone involved should be ashamed. But in case you are wondering how it ends (yes, I actually watched it all, I was curious) - the letters were written by a cross-dressing physicist (I'm not kidding), the cops turn out to be the villains (Oh No!), Banderas manages to kill all three of them (shocker!), the Big Bang experiment just blows up and leaves a huge crater (whew!), Banderas gets away with the two girls and the diamonds, which they find in the gecko's tank. So now you don't need to waste your time watching to the end, stop wherever you are, it does NOT get better.

Plan B (I) (2009)

A failed experiment...

[3/10 · 4 September 2011]

About the first half of this had me intrigued. I found the pace too slow, the long stares got tiresome – way overdone – and the inertness of the characters was really annoying. But the concept was interesting – what if? But who are these people? We learn nothing at all about them, they're apparently just slackers who smoke pot and have sex and moon about. So they're just boring. I liked that it was treated seriously – here in the States it would be played as the broadest possible slapstick comedy, Three Stooges level, with lots of fart jokes, and it would end with both guys getting married – to girls – and doing a high five to cement their new - very straight, very "normal" - friendship. So this approach was refreshing – is Argentina really that accepting of gays? The thing is, the farther it went, the less believable it was, and the ending felt like a silly fantasy. I just don't believe these two guys would hop into bed together. I didn't believe they were really in love, it felt forced. The scene where they first almost get it on ended believably – Pablo realized he wasn't into guys, and that should have been that. From there on it felt contrived and forced and wrong. And I'm gay, by the way, that's why I watched this, it supposedly had a gay theme. But it's not a gay story. Two straight guys deciding to try kissing and whatever isn't gay, it's just weird.

The Topp Twins: Untouchable Girls (2009)

I guess you have to be a Kiwi?

[2/10 · 24 May 2011]

I'm gay, and the friend I went to see this with is a lesbian, and we like gay-positive films, and the New York Times review of this was VERY positive, so we went, expecting to have a good time. Not so much. The accents are almost impenetrable (and we both thought we understood folks from Down Under pretty well), the sound quality in general is awful (at least at the Shattuck Cinema in Berkeley), and the "story" is pretty thin and repetitive. The stereotypes they are poking fun at must be local ones, as we found the songs and skits pointless, silly, and way out of date. SO unless you are already a fan of the Topps, and speak Kiwi, don't expect much from this.

The Wonder of it All (2007)

Disappointing...

[5/10 · 24 September 2010]

I was expecting to like this more than I did. I was born in 1943, so I lived through all of the events chronicled in this film as an adult, and have seen lots of documentary coverage of those events. The subject is one that always inspires and moves me, so it seemed foolproof.

But the way this film was constructed and edited did not work for me. I found the lack of narration or exposition a drawback. Even knowing as much as I do about the events, I did not realize that only twelve men have stepped onto the moon, from 1969 through 1972 (the film tells us all of that only at the end), and at the time this was made, only nine of them were still alive (that is never mentioned). Knowing those facts up front would have enhanced my appreciation of what I was seeing. Other statistics about the program would have been useful too - cost, number of people involved, etc. Those would help put it all in perspective more.

Seven faces are a lot to keep track of, especially in the first part of the film, and especially when the editing cuts from one to another so quickly. Focusing on each of them separately, at least at first, would have been easier to follow, and to me more effective. Or the film should have used some device to identify them more clearly each time they appeared.

Nor did I learn anything surprising about the subject, but it was interesting to find out what each of the seven men has done since, and how it affected them.

I found the Columbus segment a waste of time. With some narrative background, or opinions of historians, it might have been interesting, but as presented it was just pointless.

Eugene Cernan says we should have a permanent base on the moon - "It really is the key to our future." Why? More explanation of that would have been interesting to me, as well as what each of the other men thinks about that, or where he thinks the space program should go.

Buzz Aldrin mentions that even right after the first landing, some Americans disapproved of the program. Further exploration of that would have been welcome. Not everyone (including me) thinks that the "benefits" of our space program have justified the cost, or that it makes sense to try to go back to the moon, or to Mars. In 1958, Nobel-prize winning physicist and mathematician Max Born called the space program "A triumph of the intellect, but a tragic failure of reason." I think that applies even more now.

The title tells us that the makers of this film were trying to create an emotional experience, of course, not an intellectual one, and perhaps that is the problem. The emotion should grow out of an honest description of the events, not a contrived exploitation of them. For example, I thought the music was a bit manipulative.

All in all, not a waste of time, but - at least for someone who already knows the subject pretty well - not a must-see.

From Beginning to End (2009)

Like watching paint dry...

[1/10 · 22 September 2010]

I thank the negative reviewers here for saving me 45 minutes of tedium. Halfway into this turkey, I was bored and annoyed. All the film had told me so far was that these two young brothers were very close, and some of the adults in their lives thought they were "too close." That could have been established much more effectively in about five minutes.

Fast forward fifteen years, the boys are in their early twenties, their mother dies, and they decide that is the excuse they have been waiting for to have sex. Really?

I stopped watching and came here to see if anyone else shared my impression, and found a few who did. And even the praise of the reviewers who loved it confirmed my sense that this is not worth watching. The dialogue and music are slow and dreamy, the photography misty and glowing, the acting solemn and earnest. And nothing happens.

I fast-forwarded through the second half, just to see if there was anything erotic (I'm gay), and even the "sex scenes" were boring. The guys are attractive, but again, nothing happens.

So they have a sexual relationship, so what? There's no tension, no drama, no reality. The fact that they are brothers never really seems like an issue, so they could be any two co-dependents addicted to the idea of love. They live in a dream world where no one else ages, and no one disapproves of anything. Everyone is very serious and earnest and honest and loving and it's all sickly sweet and empty.

It's a fairy tale, so if you like fairy tales about incest, you might enjoy this. Otherwise, don't waste your time.

Hamlet (2009 TV Movie)

Worst Hamlet Ever - thanks to Tennant

[1/10 · 10 May 2010]

ACTING! Tennant is so bad that the otherwise so-so production is rendered ludicrous. The CCTV touches are foolish, but only mildly annoying compared to Tennant's banal, manic interpretation of his role. He renders Hamlet a clown, a caricature, a ridiculous figure to be cringed at. No nobility, no dignity, just a mad fool. Hyper-active, ADHD-driven, he needs some Ritalin to calm him down. There's not a single scene he's in that he does not ruin with his childish antics and wild grimaces and twisted gestures. Otherwise this production is just acceptable. The supporting cast is so overshadowed by Tennant's hysteria that they seem stunned, dismayed and disbelieving. There are scenes – Hamlet absent – that work well enough, but their effect is soon lost. Embarrassingly bad.

I Dreamt Under the Water (2008)

Skip it.

[1/10 · 16 October 2009]

French film about a twenty-something guy in love with his straight best friend, who dies of a drug OD. Guy supports himself as a rent boy for a while, then falls for a girl, and tries to go straight. She turns out to be another drug addict, tragedy ensues. Amateurish, tedious, self-indulgent and boring. The first half hour is unbearable – impressionistic and silly. Improves a little once it changes to a more conventional narrative style. The photography is awful – long shaky hand-held camera shots, dark red lenses, silly games. Lots of full frontal nudity and some hardcore sex, but not erotic, it's filmed in a gritty, unpleasant way to tell us it's just desperate and sick. These are ugly, worthless people, with not an iota of interest. We learn so little about them that it's impossible to care what happens to them. Who are they? Who cares? Not I. Skip it. (Based on a short film, seldom a good sign.)

Virtuality (2009 TV Movie)

Please, no more!

[1/10 · 27 June 2009]

A real turkey. Please don't extend it into a series, have mercy on the American viewer.

--- SPOILER ALERT ---

Either, as another reviewer here has suggested, the WHOLE THING is a simulation - and I think that's dumb, but I hope it's right, because otherwise this space voyage is doomed, as whoever chose this group of misfits and lunatics was an idiot. I mean, come on, when you invest $200 Billion (that's 2150 dollars, so maybe just $10 Billion in 2009 dollars?), don't you want people who are at least compatible? Cooperative? Stable? Sane?

I won't bother to critique the "science" of their mission, it's too ludicrous, but just for starters, How could anything held together with toothpicks like their enormous space station survive that sort of acceleration? Unless they've invented a means of transferring the acceleration uniformly to every atom of the structure (including the inhabitants) - but then they wouldn't feel anything, so all the drama of their reactions wouldn't make sense. But none of it makes any sense, it's just a deep space soap opera, the setting is irrelevant.

Blecchhh!

12:01 (1993 TV Movie)

Poorly plotted, poorly scripted, poorly acted

[1/10 · 8 June 2009]

It's not a bad concept, it could have been pretty good, but – poorly plotted, poorly scripted, poorly acted. The lead is just chanting his lines, the only actor with any believability is the always amazing Jeremy Piven. Too many places where I groaned and thought "Oh no!" Every time he connects with a previous day, you see it coming - the jail scenes, for example. Pathetic. Too predictable, too unimaginative – I mean this guy is so obsessed with the girl - he never considers the other possibilities. If you knew you would be living the same day over and over until you found a way out, wouldn't you look for a way to profit? There's obviously no reason to hurry. Too made-for-TV. It focuses entirely on the love story, never on the philosophical and intellectual implications. A total let-down. Skip it.