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Reviews
13B: Fear Has a New Address (2009)
Indie India Makes Haloween Hollywood Look Like a Nursery Rhyme
One chilling fact of nature that has stayed with me for years was the notion we will take for granted the importance of oxygen until there is a lack of it. We never really pay heed to something that is in our lives everyday, and therefore is relatively ignored. As such, our dependency on technology has grown to such extent that, without it, mankind would quickly crumble as a civilization.
A breed of horror has arisen prominently in the new millennium that exploits this very idea, and in rather creative ways: What if basic living was suddenly turned against us? When there is no place like home, do you really own it? Or does it own you? When I watched this film through I couldn't help but realize I witnessed a subtler adaptation of Mikael Håfström's "1408". But this was certainly not a bad thing. Oh no, not at all. 13B expands past 1408's borders quite brilliantly. With it, blending in the elements of The Ring, Final Destination, and Poltergeist (with a sprinkling of quirky humor) to a delectable mix of "that inanimate object has the ability to kill you in 150 ways" paranormal paranoia. The majority of the dialog is Hindi but coherency isn't an issue for 13B, as the tone-sensitive visuals tell the tale just as effectively. The acting and score also carries the plot well.
I had a few minor qualms with 13B. The dialog at times seemed unnatural, almost forced. Camera movement was also a problem. Some scenes had the camera volatile to enhance suspense but for me it did the opposite.
13B is a fine example of intellectual horror. It does not force feed the suspense, but allows the viewer to build their own overtime as the protagonist becomes aware of the unnatural forces manipulating his and his family's mentality to the breaking point.
The Terminators (2009)
Thoth Thipth Are Filled With Hundredth of Thouthanth of Thee-Arth
I tried. Honestly I did. I did sit down - try to fight this thing to the end so I could stand in front of my computer screen with a pointed finger shouting "HYPOCRITES! YOU ALL ARE ROBOTS!" through gritted teeth when the credits rolled. Alas, I could not. With a plot as slow as a constantly complaining prepubescent white man carrying a constantly complaining injured black girl 200 feet back to the van she somehow fell out of, out of the way of the superhuman hunky death machine following suit at full sprint that actually couldn't catch up, my desire to verbally bash this movie down to a Windows ME TR-1 was silhouetted by the overwhelming challenge to repel me from it.
Although there were tough times, however, there were the good times. From the over-amplified, unmotivated gasps of air, to the brief tour of where to have sex in an industrialized building, to cigar-sucking old guy's "We got guns", to unnamed and untalented spaceship worker's "Not a problem. Watch and learn, gentlemen. Watch and learn.", to the futuristic attack warship being outmaneuvered by a path-abiding, big, slow, bright white van (which happens to hold our aforementioned constantly complaining protagonists), to Kurt's "War's a-comin' soon", to, uh... well I couldn't stand watching it at this point. I skipped forward to the end and, huzzah, learned I didn't miss out on much.
Oh by the way, should a cyborg mutiny ever should break out and computers start blocking access to their mainframe, take a pointer from this movie and be sure to include a giant 'power to all functional terminators' on/off switch in a random location on your spaceship for good measure, although I'm sure many immature janitors will be subsequently fired because of it.
In good fairness, I do give credit to Paul Logan. He kept his mouth shut, gave intimidating furrow-my-brow-and-protrude-my-jawline expressions, and just looked damn good in that outfit - and that's all he needed. Besides, would you rather have Arnold chasing people around while his saggy man-breasts smack his face around? I would too. Laura Walsh also successfully used her cute looks as s crutch and gave a decent performance as well, at least in contrast to the other actors.
If you happen to be drunk, a deeply regretful fan of the Terminator franchise, or are just looking for a reason to despise the moral conscious of The Asylum (you only need to go ankle-deep, I assure you), this will give you an entertaining Sunday night.
Orphan (2009)
The Conclusive Twist - Untwisted Before I Got Comfortable In My Chair
Firstly I don't mean to shun any other good viewer who saw this film to the end and were left dumbstruck. The unspoken twist is a great element directors use to immerse the viewer, and it works most of the time, but when it comes to certain themes (a la murderous knife-wielding youngsters), there are not many plausible hooks available to keep those who are guessing still guessing to the end. While this was indeed an original idea, I am one (and undoubtedly not the only one) who saw through the ruse before the first 20 minutes. When it was finally revealed I threw my arms up, decried "Holy ****, I knew it" and slouched back into my couch in disappointment.
Otherwise, despite the unneeded and constant use of false alarms and blatant unadaptive stupidity (I'm looking at you, Daddy) I am not one to rag on this film. The deviousness out of our brilliantly-talented Esther is ingenuitive enough to keep her innocence at bay, and with the mounting personal troubles of our protagonists making it all the more easier (at times, too easy) to manipulate, made for an entertaining and somewhat bloody hour.
I did notice plot holes (e.g. Esther's implausible travels around the world) and areas that should have been elaborated further. These are included into my final rating.