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Reviews
Glorious (2022)
Fun and Quirky, plus a lot of Blood
This was an interesting movie, especially for a "single-location" type of film.
J. K. Simmons did an amazing job for never actually appearing on the screen. Another review said the dialogue was bad, but I found Simmons' role to be one of the carrying elements of the film. He goes from nonchalant to terrifying in the same beat, without ever overselling the role of an all-powerful being.
Ryan Kwanten also did a great job, although I'm still not convince that he's not secretly Daniel Tosh. It was honestly distracting, but that's more me than his performance in the film. He played a sympathetic but yet not entirely likeable character, which I suppose is perfectly appropriate given the ending.
Honestly, the thing I found most unbelievable in the whole film is how Sylvia Grace Crim's character was the love interest that caused him to arrive at the point that was the catalyst for the film in the first place.
I'm sure I'm just being superficial, but every flashback feels like some SNL skit with Rachel Dratch, versus an actual revealing point of the film.
IDK, I'd find it a lot more plausible if it were revealed that their relationship were just a cover for whatever else he had going on, and the 'breakup' was him freaking out over the potential at Tosh.0 finally being held accountable for his misdeeds.
Still, definitely an interesting movie to watch. I might even watch it again sometime...
Cherrypicker (2020)
Not the worst film ever...but fails to stick the landing.
*Incredibly mild spoilers*
Is the whole premise of the movie a little thin? Sure. But I've also seen multiple films about a kid's toy possessed by a serial killer, so I can let that slide.
The character development is far stronger than a lot of films of late. The little girls are both adorable and at times, pure evil. And, given that all four young actresses are siblings, there's a very real chemistry amongst them that a lot of child actors lack.
Sean, the protagonist, comes across as a great guy with a slightly checkered past...but I still wind up feeling worse and worse for him by the end of the film. Most of the other characters we see get at least enough screen time where they're not entirely one-dimensional.
Overall, I thought it was a very engaging film. Definitely gory, but left me wanting to see how thing panned out after the inevitable happens.
And that, unfortunately, is where I find the most fault with the film. Given the premise, half the movie is waiting to see how things happen...and finally getting to that point felt very...unsatisfying.
There were so many opportunities to make Sean's death look accidental, but instead, we're left with a crime scene where even the most hapless of police officers would have to consider the girls as suspects.
And, in the final scene of the film where some justice could be had...the writers instead take the ending into a complete nosedive of "WTF was that?".
Overall, it's not a complete waste of time...but if there were an alternate ending out there that made more sense...I'd definitely think more favorably about it.
Keep Watching (2017)
I've Taken Craps With Better Writing
My god. Apparently, nobody writing, starring, directing, or in any other way involved in making this film has any concept of what actual, rational people would do in a situation like this.
The "jigsaw" person in this film should probably stop making internet torture-porn, and switch to playing the lottery or inventing tech, because they would literally have to be both psychic and a Tony Stark-level of electrical engineer to make anything that happens in this film even remotely feasible.
I mean, this person has somehow figured out how to hide cameras in alarm clocks, tazers, flashlights, and basically every other electronic device known to man, without any signs of added electronics or tampering. Either that, or these people are just really, really, really effing stupid...which is also probably true.
In addition to mad electrical skills, this person has somehow figured out how to anticipate every single stupid move of every single stupid person in this film, from the role-model uncle just magically showing up in the middle of the night within minutes of the family returning from vacation - with a few joints already twisted up, despite having apparently just gotten into a fight with his wife?
Or the idiot boyfriend who just happens to show up while they're all in the basement and gets himself waxed in the precise spot the killer anticipated.
And what the hell is going on where they finally find an open window in the basement? "Yeah kids, here, you stay in the basement with the murderer who can basically teleport around the house without ever making a sound.
Another great example is the part where the two kids suddenly realize they can just break down the gates over the doors because...fire?
Or earlier in the film, where they're screaming out the window for help, and just give up after 30 seconds because they saw a dead body? Hey, howabout tie some bedsheets together and climb down? Have the kid use his zippo and throw some burning stuff outside, maybe people will notice?
Honestly, I wanted to turn it off after the first 20 minutes, but I "kept watching" simply because I wanted to make sure all the cast died. Nope, we don't even get that closure, because the pregnant teenage girl now has to put on a mask and learn to teleport so some hollywood idiot can try milking out this premise for at least 2 or three more sequels.
Save yourself the time...don't watch this god-awful movie. It's bad, and not like a fun bad. The protagonists are stupid, the antagonists are utterly implausible, and there is literally not one plot beat that actually made any kind of rational sense.