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Oblivion (2013)
Lessons learned
For $4.99 I learned that Joseph Kosinski is a bad writer and a bad director. I still wasted 2 hours of my life on this movie, so that's still not much of a bargain, everything considered.
Visually, the movie has its highs, some of the sets are nicely done, the drones look very drone-y, Tom Cruise is very futuristic and there's Morgan Freeman with his freckles to top it all off.
Unfortunately, this movie has a bland, unimaginative story that doesn't make much sense and is very boring. It also features Olga Kurylenko who is not a great actress (in fact, she's awful) and - I realize this is very much personal preference - not very attractive. She has about one facial expression that she utilizes in every movie she appears in. Her inclusion in this movie should've been a huge red flag but I didn't pay attention.
If you read this far, learn from my mistake and use your money / time for better things.
Dear Dictator (2017)
Trashy comedy that's low on funny
I got this on Amazon during a sale and I can say I regret that I bought it. I can't believe Michael Caine accepted this role (or that Jason Biggs or Seth Green did).
Other than Caine, acting is mediocre at best - suffering through scenes that Katie Holmes appeared in was a punishment. A broom has better acting skills than Holmes and likely would've asked for a smaller paycheck.
The basic idea behind the story could've worked with different (much better) writers but as it is, it's just awful. The dictator of a small island showing up at a private residence could've been a funny story but this movie is not that story. Maybe there's something funny in it that I missed but much of the movie is awkward, boring and not engaging.
Avoid.
Criminal Law (1988)
Terribly boring mess
The story is a boring, confusing, over-complicated mess. I think the writer / director may have tried to go for a psychological thriller but they failed completely - the result is nearly unwatchable.
Kevin Bacon is a poor actor even on his best day so that doesn't help and Gary Oldman's talent was just wasted in this.
If you want more detail on why this is so bad, read the low reviews, they explain it well - there's no point in wasting any more effort here. Avoid this movie as much as you can.
The Complex (2020)
Utter garbage
Don't waste your life / money on this one. As a game, the technical implementation is all right - it doesn't crash, I didn't encounter bugs and was able to complete the game. It's not possible to pause the movie portions and there's no save option so if you want to see all endings, you'll have to replay from the beginning. (You won't want to, trust me.)
Movie quality is decent and the music is passable.
Now for the negatives:
- Incompetent, idiotic writing. Kindergarten plays have more coherent, thought-out stories with fewer cliches. The whole thing is just so, so very stupid, it's really hard to describe it.
- There are more plot holes than story.
- The "science" is just... moronic. This goes hand-in-hand with the bad writing but as a sci-fi story (heavily focused on science), this is criminally bad.
- Acting ranges from mediocre to poor; I'd really prefer not seeing any of these actors in movies in the future. Everyone would be better off if they switched to other professions.
I liked the X-Files Game and Gabriel Knight: The Beast Within so it's not the genre (FMV game) that is the problem - this one is just really poorly done.
I could keep going but you probably see the pattern already. Do yourself a favor and avoid it.
Raising Arizona (1987)
Cliched, boring and not funny; a waste of time
Seeing the reviews and the high average rating, I had high expectations and I tried hard to like this movie; the actors aren't bad and I like most of them (in other movies).
Unfortunately, there isn't a single funny scene in the movie - the whole thing is just a low-quality flick with a boring, over-the-top and cliched story about a bunch of stupid hillbillies (or rednecks?) screaming all the time and running around Roadrunner style. The characters have absolutely no redeeming qualities and at no point during the movie had I any sort of compassion for any of these worthless losers.
I'm not sure what those who voted 7 and up watched to put this awful thing on the same level as Gattaca, A Fish Called Wanda or Rain Man. I think giving 3 stars out of 10 is already generous. I cannot recommend this movie - if you haven't seen it already use your time for something better.
EuroTrip (2004)
Uber-primitive non-comedy
I like raunchy, silly comedies like American Pie, Dude Where's My Car, Road Trip, etc. When I watch something like this, I know not to expect a deep story or Oscar-worthy acting but EuroTrip is just utterly primitive in comparison. I know those other movies are juvenile, sometimes crass but they have a kind of sweet innocence to them that make me like them. EuroTrip has none of that.
The chicks look hot but that's pretty much the only positive I can think of - the movie is unfunny, there's no coherent story to speak of and the acting never surpasses the level of cheap TV ads.
I'm quite surprised by the number of reviews that praise this movie; it definitely doesn't deserve it. I only rated this 3 because of the song performed early on by one of the cameos.
Ghostbusters (2016)
Incerdibly bad
Amateurish acting, bad / non-existent story, incompetent directing, laughable special effects make up this unfunny money-grab that tries to rip off the original Ghostbusters.
I had very low expectations based on trailers but it managed to be even worse. Don't waste your life on this.
Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Boring, unfunny and inappropriate
I haven't read the book that this movie is supposedly based on but I was looking for a family movie and the many highly rated reviews convinced me to try this. The animation is well done; it's a pity that the rest of the movie isn't very good.
The story is an Americanized run-of-the-mill heist story, pretty dull and uninspiring. It's hard to understand who the target audience was; the story is made up of (among other things): marriage problems, references to Mrs. Fox's mating behavior, planning a heist, and other adult topics. The characters cuss by using the word "cuss" that seems innocent on the surface but once "cuss" is being used in the context of cuss words, it just becomes a cuss word itself. Definitely not something that I'd want my kid to watch but it's also boring and uninteresting to me - if I want to watch an action movie, I won't reach for this one.
I like George Clooney in general but his bored "Ocean's Eleven" voice is badly miscast and is a net negative for the movie. The other voices aren't significantly better even though the voice case is decent.
The whole thing is unremarkable - the animation style could've been used to make an interesting, funny movie but this one isn't it. I'd suggest looking for something else.
Tom and Jerry (2021)
Unfunny, dull, bizarre trainwreck
TL; DR: Avoid this garbage at all costs.
I'm taking 2 stars off because of Chloë Grace Moretz - I will never watch any movie with this inept, incompetent monkey in it.
Another 2 stars off because Tom and Jerry are nothing but an afterthought in this movie - it's a Tom & Jerry movie and they barely appear at all and when they do, the animation is mediocre, uninspired and their scenes are just clones from the classic Tom & Jerry cartoons.
I decided to take off 2 stars for the movie style - mixing animation and real footage might have worked if the makers of this movie made the smallest of efforts to make it work. (It did work well for Roger Rabbit well before the 3D special effect age.) They clearly couldn't care less and the visual end result is an insult.
I took another star for the general "acting": the performances in this movie wouldn't qualify the actors to appear in low-grade commercials, much less in a proper movie. Pena's performance is the best of all (that I've seen; I gave up watching after about 50 minutes.) I can't imagine what Pena thought when he signed up for this garbage - he's a decent actor. The rest don't qualify to be called actors / actresses.
A Tom & Jerry movie should be entertaining - it'd be Ok if the story is simple (assuming there's one) but this one couldn't even pass the incredibly low bar for that - I couldn't even force myself to finish watching it. I'm taking another 2 stars off for that.
There are many more stars I could take off (music, editing, etc.) but IMDB only allows 1 as the lowest rating, there isn't much point to it. Filth like this movie shouldn't be allowed to exist and I sincerely hope that this review contributes to the end of the careers of the people that made it. Avoid at all cost.
The Expanse (2015)
"Looks like the protomolecule is back at it again..."
The title should tell you everything about how brain-dead this show is: I was watching season 4 and one of the characters uttered this garbage with a straight face.
Visually well done (nice CGI) with a somewhat interesting backdrop, but ultimately a massive failure. The story, the dialogues, the acting are all terrible.
(As a baseline, I thought Firefly was a very good series. This one has similar high-quality visuals but everything else is inferior.)
El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019)
Flat, uninteresting movie with predictable plot
I liked Breaking Bad - although I don't think it's a masterpiece, I consider it a well-made series - and I liked the main characters. When I heard about this sequel, I got excited but what got delivered is a Netflixed, just-ok movie with phoned-in writing and acting.
Technically, the movie is well done, nice camera work, good music, etc. but it adds nothing substantial to the Breaking Bad story. There were many product placements and endless flashbacks that felt mostly filler. All in all, a watchable movie but nothing more and I don't think anyone on the crew list has much to be proud of in it.
Netflix really became a thing that one doesn't discuss in polite company.
Designated Survivor (2016)
Gets worse as seasons come
I had a lot of reservations when I started watching this on Netflix - Kiefer Sutherland "acted" in "24" which I considered one of the most brain-dead, incompetent TV shows.
The first season made me reconsider - it turned out to be a mostly well-done, interesting and entertaining show and I kept watching. (I very rarely watch serials so this should say a lot.) I thought Kiefer Sutherland (and most other actors) were pretty good. By the end, even season 1 started losing quality but it was worth watching.
Season 2 is just like "24" - an incoherent, brain-dead sitcom with subpar acting, laughable storylines and high-school drama. To add insult to injury, they even pulled in one of the actresses from "24".
I haven't watched season 3 - other reviews clearly describe it far worse than season 2 and I'm willing to believe it.
I would give a somewhere around 7 or 8 to season 1, maybe a 4 to season 2. An average or 3 out of 10.
Another Life (2019)
Usual Netflix filth - Big Brother in space with Millenials
Really, the title says everything. Not one positive thing to say about this garbage: bad writing, bad acting, bad characters, mediocre special effects. Dialogue is cringe-worthy, all characters act like mentally ill teenagers, no semblance to any sort of science, etc. You've seen the other bad reviews, there's not much else to say.
Avoid at all cost.
The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (2019)
Boring, aimless sequel
I loved the first Lego Movie (and the game that was made out of it) - the story was funny, the characters lovable and the whole thing was entertaining.
Part 2 is what happens when the sales team decides they need an infusion of money and call down to accounting to hack up a movie in 5 minutes. This is definitely not a kid's movie - it's a soulless, boring hackjob that never even tried to be entertaining - it just wants your money.
I can't really say anything positive about this sequel - my 8-year old fell asleep on it, that's how bad it was. There were literally maybe 2 chuckles in the entire auditorium during the movie - the audience (kids and adults) sat through the whole thing in silence.
There's no coherent story to speak of; the jokes are lame and out of place and there were many pop culture references that were impossible to get for kids. The musinc was mostly just loud.
How the writers managed to ruin characters like Unikitty is simply beyond me - my daughter literally cried that they turned the two-hands-down-cutest-character-ever into a monstrosity.
Stick with the first Lego Movie.
IO (2019)
What an abortion of a movie....
I have a hard time describing this braindead excuse of a science fiction - there is no trace of science and one needs frontal lobotomy to enjoy the fiction that is present.
This product is an insult to anyone with an education and I simply cannot comprehend how this movie was allowed to be made. Netflix is quickly becoming synonymous with low-grade, cheap trash; it's clearly a company where quantity trumps quality.
The makers of this schlock didn't get anything right: bad story (of an otherwise important problem), bad editing / pacing, absurd pseudo-science, bad title, bad acting, etc. Several other 1-star reviews point out major problems.
I could only watch the first ~20 minutes - I had to give up after that - but I can confidently say that the actress (Sam) is totally devoid of any acting skill and should be doing something else.
What some reviewers claim is a "slow and thoughtful work of art" is really just a boring, incompetent piece of Netflix garbage.
Avoid at all cost. 0 out of 10.
Extinction (2018)
Embarrasingly bad
How this movie is over 2 or 3 is beyond me. Bad acting, mediocre visual effects, hundreds-of-times-recycled boring, unimaginative story... there's really nothing positive to say about this dead-end of movie-making. Don't waste your life on this. 1 out of 10.
Boone: The Bounty Hunter (2017)
Watchable, somewhat funny flick
There are some funny moments and the premise is funny. Some of the acting is very amateurish and the editing isn't great. The story cannot be much simpler.
I guess it's OK to have it in the background while you're doing some work - it's watchable with some laughs but nothing to write home about.
5 out of 10
Security (2017)
Really, really bad
I can't believe that Antonio Banderas and Ben Kingsley accepted their roles in this cliché-ridden, laughable excuse of an action movie.
There's really not much positive to write about this wreck: I started to watch it expecting something decent from the two leads (who are both great actors) but I couldn't force myself to finish it.
Cringe-worthy dialogue, way over-the-top action, bad acting and absurdly ridiculous "tactics". This is bottom-of-the-barrel film making at its worst. I only gave 2 out of 10 for Banderas and Kingsley.
Stranger Things (2016)
Unoriginal, mediocre horror series, not sci-fi
This may contain spoilers.
For some reason I expected a sci-fi series, not a horror one. I'm sure it wasn't just me - several of my friends who were excited about this show (and told me about it) clearly said sci-fi multiple times. We were wrong.
"Stranger Things" is a mediocre, uninteresting, seen-it-a-million-times (soft-ish) horror series that tries to ride on the back of 80's nostalgia by ripping off every 80's movie you can think of.
Some reviewers compared this movie to E.T. and it is true - the cinematography strongly resembles Spielberg's work (not the quality or the story, mind you). Otherwise that comparison is very unfair: E.T. is an intelligent, charming, emotion-evoking sci-fi and none of that applies to this series. If you read comparisons to other 80's movies, they're probably partially correct because "Stranger Things" likely ripped those off, too.
The movie is frequently dark to the point where you can hardly see anything on the screen, there's a lot of screeching and screaming and some killing and blood and there's a monster in it for some reason but I don't believe much is revealed about its back-story. What story is present is nonsensical and is simply reused from other horror stories. Nothing original here.
Acting is mostly OK (the kids were over the top a few times; nothing too bad). I do feel sorry for Winona Ryder for acting in this - I haven't seen her in a role for a while but I recall her being a good actress (she was OK in this one) and I think she could do better.
If you're a horror fan, you may rate it higher but over 9? No way - that would mean this is somehow in the company of "The Shawshank Redemption" or "Schindler's List". I think this series is about 3 out of 10.
The Secret Life of Pets (2016)
Not a kids movie and not a good movie
There may be spoilers in here.
The trailer is great and gives the impression that this would be a light animated movie about pets doing "stuff". It never gives much of a glimpse as to what "stuff" and there's a good reason for that: once you get past the first 5-6 minutes of the movie (essentieally the entire trailer), you get dropped into a psychotic chase where a gang of blood-thirsty fluffy animals hunt down 2 dogs that get lost from home.
Once the hidden storyline picks up, most characters on screen hit or threaten each other, they manipulate and bully each other, lie to each other, etc. The cute-looking bunny is actually a psychotic ghetto thug that leads the gang and spends the entire movie screaming about killing humans and the 2 dogs.
Other animated movies had cartoon violence in the past (Roadrunner, Tom & Jerry, etc.) but this movie is of a creepy, dark, horror quality with the wrong message for kids. The whole movie is done in very bad taste - another reviewer used the word "schlock" and it describes this movie well.
On top of all this, this is a very mediocre movie - there were not one laugh in the theater (which was moderately full) during the whole showing.
If any sane parent saw a glimpse of this, there would be no kids at the theaters so marketing chose to lie to all the customers to lure people in.
The only reason I gave this 2 out of 10 is the animation: visually the movie is very well done. Unfortunately, the story is garbage and the visuals cannot save this stinker.
Little Princess (2006)
Utter garbage
This show is entirely inappropriate for little children.
The main character 'Little Pricess' is a spoiled, screaming, obnoxious, miserable 3- or 4-year old brat that doesn't care about anything or anyone except herself and is mean to all people around her.
She has a weak King and Queen for parents and some servants but all these people are depicted as slaves who have no opinions about anything and solely exist to cater to the little girl.
The purpose of a kids' cartoon would be to teach the kids about real life and to have stories with morals and to teach about desirable behavior and how to recognize and deal with undesirable behaviors. This show does none of that - actually it actively encourages anti-social, mean behavior and the adult characters support this with their own behavior and speech.
The voice acting is atrocious: the voice of the little princess is worse that nails on a chalkboard and the rest of the voices are not too much better, either.
Watching the same kid movie over and over again can be mentally tiring for parents but this show stands out in how bad it is. Avoid this at all costs and make sure you prevent your kids from watching this trailer trash.
Erased (2012)
Decent action movie
I'm not quite sure why this movie has such low rating (6 at the time of my writing).
It's true, this is a Bourne knock-off with some clichéd characters but I found the movie quite entertaining. It's not as good as the Bourne movies (the original 3) but it's still pretty decent - the acting is good, the story feels thought out and mostly believable. I couldn't immediately find any plot holes (there may be several, but at least they're not so obvious as they are with some very high-rated movies). The soundtrack went well with the movie, keeping up the tense feeling through the story.
The visual effects are nice and toned down (no constant explosions, no kung-fu fighting flying through the air, etc.) - this was a welcome change after absurd and over-done visual effects in most current (action) movies.
While this is not a masterpiece, I enjoyed watching it and I'd certainly recommend it, especially to fans of the Bourne series. 8 out of 10.
Battlestar Galactica (2004)
Absolute trash, not science fiction
I started watching the BSG series after some friends highly recommended it. The first two episodes are all right (although require a massive suspension of disbelief) so I continued with the later episodes. That's when things break down fast.
The series quickly becomes nothing but pure trash, spewing religious drivel in every other sentence. The plot line is so awful I find it hard to find English words to write about it. The underlying idea could potentially work but the massive inconsistencies make it unbearable. A "robotic race" that's capable of manufacturing human beings that are near-indistinguishable from real humans in 40 years (according to the storyline) - one would think humans'd consider it important to speed up detecting cylons yet only a single character works on it with a single device that he himself put together in a matter of days. This same character lies about the results of experiments on a regular basis yet no one ever questions any results even though no other character ever sees those results. The explanation to almost every plot twist is "God did it" or "Because I prayed to God". There are many more inconsistencies that are just too painful to overlook.
Visually the series is all right - nothing special but for a TV show, it works reasonably well.
This series is distilled, pure trash that should be forgotten. Hopefully the screenwriters will never get another chance.
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (2008)
Disappointing start....
Having seen the pilot of this series, I wonder how long it'll be before it falls totally apart. As much as I love T1 and T2 (I liked T3, too, although it was notably weaker than the original movies), this TV series has nothing to offer after the pilot and thinking about the possible story lines, there doesn't seem to be a lot of free paths to take.
I think acting in the pilot was pretty bad, the silly one-liners sounded cheesy (maybe for a younger ADD-crowd?) and the plot is already full of holes, after only one episode.
I don't want to go into more details (don't want to waste more time on it.) I admit, I'll probably watch a few more episodes to see if I'm proved wrong, but the future doesn't look bright to me for this series. It's kind of sad, it could have fair amount of potential.
Flightplan (2005)
Absolute, total trash, avoid at all costs
For starters, I cannot give a single reason for watching this movie. It should in fact be a 0 out of 10, not even 1.
1. The story is absolutely laughable, totally, unquestionably impossible and has no logic behind it at all. Full of plot holes.
2. Acting (all actors included) sucks. I actually wanted to smash Jodie Foster in the face for being an annoying, stupid bitch on the screen. (No imagine if I didn't like her!) Characters are uninteresting, boring and have no personality whatsoever.
3. Music sucks. There is nothing to add here.
4. Clichéd, boring ending; there is no suspense in this "suspense movie".
5. In at least 50% of the movie, nothing happens, just the interior of an airplane is shown in various angles.
The director should be punished for making this crap. Calling this thing a "sh*t" would be a praise.
You have been warned. 0 out of 10