acerbic-1 Reviews

The Chalet (2017–2018)

Moderately predictable, no suspence.

[5/10 · 18 April 2018]

Its story about a pair of psychopaths executing a somewhat contrived plan to put an innocent man in jail. Well, more or less.

OK, jokes aside, you can expect some solid drama and good acting. By "good" I mean there's no over the top screaming and running around, no bland heroic stoicism either. You will get no jump scares, no artificial suspense builders (like squeaky door handles turning slowly) - no usual "scary film" buffoonery.

As far as visuals go, the movie is well-made but that's it. There's zero explosions and no gore, so if you are into the stuff, this is not that kind of thriller.

There's a story that motivates the murder spree, all well explained. Its not too complicated and we get enough clues to figure out at least one of the murderers by ep 2. All there is to mystery here - is in what order the corpses will fall.

I personally disliked the ending. An innocent man got jail time by conspiracy of silence of survivors, while murderers walked away. But that's me.

Aimy in a Cage (2015)

Don't watch.

[2/10 · 27 August 2016]

If you started watching the movie, got confused and irritated and then decided to check IMDb for reviews, just in case you are missing something.

Some puzzle piece that will make this mess into a coherent experience - well, I hate to break it to you, but there isn't one.

The only way for this film to be perceived as "good" is if you genuinely want to take a dive into a delirium.

Summary: It's bad, it doesn't get better to the end, no answers or 'endings' will be happening.

P.S. I hate "10 lines minimum" policy. This sht shtick doesn't deserve 10 lines.

Nocturna (2015)

Not great but not terrible either

[6/10 · 9 October 2015]

Some films are terrible, some are hilariously bad, some are plain unwatchable, but this one is just... meh. It's not driving you up the wall with curses to the creators, mind you, its just not very good.

Overall - watch this flick if you are a dedicated vamp fan or have an hour to spend, but don't expect quality much higher than of a film and arts student's work.

For some reviews its a good taste to list different aspects of a movie - story, sound, effects, acting, etc. and evaluate them independently, but this one is a very leveled piece - everything is mediocre, from setting and costumes to cast and acting. No component is particularly good or bad. Just meh.

Now will be heavy spoilers with story details.

1. Prologue

Prologue shows us some vampires killing a man and looking for a girl. It was overdrawn - too much attention to a guy who will be dead and irrelevant for the rest of the film. Explicitly showing us what happened there kills all the suspense and mysticism for the following cops-on-a-crime-scene sequence.

2. Introductions

Two police detective paired - a novice and a veteran, both very archetypal. The novice is all do-good and aspiring to help innocents no matter what, the veteran is tainted by darker aspects of the job and suffered a personal touch with the supernatural community in the past. Their first case puts them in the middle of an ancient intrigue between two clans of vampires.

This part I liked the most - the interaction of two main characters, the creepy derelict out-of-time charm of vampires' parlour... all nice even if bit over-the-top, which could be forgiven as stylistic choice of the film's director.

3. Hospital scene

That jarred me. For supposedly secretive types vampires attack very publicly and with collateral damage - the other cop guard died, I think. Hundreds of years of experience supposedly teach you to approach things with more strategic patience, even if you are on a more vicious part of the spectrum.

4. The deal

Fairly OK, though I'd expect to hear much more questions asked by the detectives and more of setting's exposition from vampires. But apparently some details were revealed behind the scenes, because the next day, with no explanation to the viewer, the cops start investigating into a ..

5. A car's previous owner.

For a reason that will become apparent only after they find him. The guy's suicide was a great move, it added much required grit to the story. One of the strong moments.

Unfortunately, after this the writing goes rapidly downhill. I won't even bother to list the disappointments, only one good thing is worth mentioning - vamp blood toxicity. I liked it as a counter to "vampire is your best medkit" trope some shows fall to.

Asteroid vs Earth (2014 TV Movie)

Bad

[5/10 · 8 November 2014]

Very bad, but not outright unwatchable.

Contrary to other reviews I found that gay lieutenant to be the ONLY plausible story element.

If you love physics or science in general - do not watch this movie.

Otherwise if you are able to suspend your disbelief so much it floats into outer space at warp speed - you can give it a try.

I enjoyed it *kinda*. It was so bad, it was almost good, but not really. It is definitely above Asylum "average" quality, but I must agree that "it could be worse" is an adequate assessment here, and not a very encouraging one. Maybe it would go better after few beers.

After Earth (2013)

Totally watchable.

[6/10 · 12 October 2013]

I don't know why so much negativity? The movie is by no means "unwatchable".

Its very well done and everything looks awesome. Very solid visual and aural solutions.

Actors' "play" is heavily criticized for lack of "expression", BUT it seems that people forget this is demanded by the story and characters.

The father is life-long military man who does not know how to convey his feelings for his son or family, more to that - he trained himself to steel his heart, to suppress his fear or rage and employ highly rational thinking in face of crisis - a necessary part of "ghosting".

His son, while tortured with guilt, is by no means an average teen. He is a cadet (and of the top ones). He was trained in military camp for years trying to get his father's approval and be a ghost like him (that is - emotionless and calculating). Success!

I don't get the complaints. What exactly did reviewers expect to see as "good acting"? An hour long discussion about their feelings toward each other accompanied with limitless tears and nail biting? Come on, people. Them are "silent strong male" types trying to survive the f*cking crash.

1313: UFO Invasion (2012 Video)

Not worth your time

[3/10 · 10 January 2013]

The whole thing looks like a premise of a porn movie. And the premise goes on and one for more than an hour. Tedious and repetitive. We are treated with a big number of mostly naked man and too many close ups on nipples. Most of these men are only given a single line of text.

The wholesome of the story is revealed in the first and the last 5 minutes. Everything in between is a naked wet men footage.

Seriously, what the hell?

Pretty much everything about this movie was bad, but acting stands out.

I cannot recommend this to anyone. If you want to look at men bodies, go straight to porn sites, this trash is best be forgotten.

Mantera (2012)

Its like they are mocking us.

[5/10 · 16 December 2012]

I haven't encountered so much bad written cheesy dialog per minute in awhile. You can't be writing that awful unless you consciously try to replace every possible line with a cliché phrase.

I can understand medium budget CGI, I can forgive simpleton plot (yet another battle of good vs evil), but what on earth made them name prime forces "Alliance of Light" and "Legions of Darkness"??!! Those are literally the names of the two, and its not even ironic. And so on it goes all through the movie. The script is created straight out of some kid's imagination, we have savior who is a "purest soul", evil corporation, spacecraft stolen from X-Men, Star Gate-ish teleport device... heck! they even managed to clue in a martial arts training montage.

The only plus side is that global crisis does really feel global - we are shown different countries, nations, languages - and are not happening somewhere in the backyard of a typical USA small town.

Lost Woods (2012)

Not as bad as it seems.

[7/10 · 5 November 2012]

Well, OK. The movie is not going to be an award nominee. Just get it down if you are about to watch this film. Managing expectations is a point in this case. Comic-ish intro sequence is actually rather good and sets you up for something with greater production value, but it is a decoy. The intro is probably the best part of this film.

Overall, the whole thing looks like a student's work, and almost every part of it leaves you wishing for better. Better acting, better camera work, better script, better FX.... It is not horrible, its just not on the level we are taught to expect from modern-era cinema, with millions of dollars invested into the making of a single movie.

Despite all downsides, I rated it 7. I found it to have a certain... charm. When you get to the core of it, it is not your typical "picnic-in-the-woods-turn-massacre" slasher. The whole thing is a rather dull implemented plot device to tell you a story of a person's journey from being a scared boy to a man. The monster is really secondary to that. It could be as well "group-of-friends-escape-building-on-fire", or some other dramatic event. And this is what I liked, the film has a message, its not just blood! guts! gore! tits! of an average horror flick.

Life: A Civil War (2007) Season 1, Episode 7

Scenarists do really need to be more computer-literate.

[3/10 · 14 June 2008]

Pff! It pisses me off.

I thought things like computer monitors exploding from hacker's attack are all in the past.

Yet this episode shows that a beer spilled on a keyboard causes monitor's image distortion and flickering. And not only that computer's monitor, but a neighbor monitor as well! Is it a kind of "infectious malfunction"? (By the way, this kind of malfunction CAN be produced on CRT monitor, only if damage applied to monitor's internals, but definitely this cannot be happening on LCDs, not by hardware damage).

For those who don't know: keyboard to computer is like remote to TV - if you crash remote you won't be able to control your TV, but that is all, no odd image distortions!!!

The other thing of this episode - secret database hidden behind a game - it is just ridiculous! Oh, theoretically one can make this trick. If that person is a super-duper hacker/programmer. Do you imagine how much efforts it takes to actually decompose a solid application and merge into it a stand-alone commercial database engine? And every time he wants to look into his database he must spend few hours to reach level 10?

I am software engineer myself and I tell you: It is much easier to use a simple password check, than build a monstrous system which can be bypassed by just any teen around.

It seems that the scenarists were in prison for ...how many years?