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Civil War (2024)
The Walking Press
Who are we supposed to root for? I believe that is the point.
Sure, this movie is about neutral journalists. So, maybe that contributes to not knowing which side is correct. (I ASSUME it's against the President's America, but that might be a misdirect.)
Hard not to compare this with the current America. Truly, this fictional President is supposed to be Trump. And to be frank, this does seem like a likely outcome if he regains the White House this November. (Please don't let him have this shot.)
Said journalist (a legend, the comic relief sidekick, the older/wiser Gent and the newbie/All-About-Eve Not-Juno) are headed from the Civil War-torn NYC to DC for a Presidential interview. Their path will progressively challenge them. Will it be worth it?
There are things I loved/admired about this experience. And there are some criticisms as well. Let's start with the bad so we can end on a positive note.
This has to be the slowest war movie I've seen. True, this led to some highly intense scenes due to the pacing, but overall, it did drag. Some people's reactions/emotions seemed to get turned on and off like a switch and some scenes were, sadly, unintentionally hilarious. And the choice in music was...questionable at times.
This was beautifully shot and felt pretty darn real. For once it was nice to see what would happen if we did break out into this conflict and not expect the living dead at every turn. The acting was pretty real, score decent and it did keep me on edge for the most part.
While I felt this screamed more TV mini-series, and I kinda wish it had so I can learn more about the two sides, I enjoyed it. It did its job. This could happen.
***
Final Thoughts: I know this movie has a very serious tone throughout, sans that comic relief, I seriously couldn't get that Rush Hour scene/dialogue out of my head...
War, huh, yeah
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing, uhh.
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (2024)
Ran Out of Juice
I would've rather seen Beetlejuice go to Hawaii.
Took 'em 36-years to come up with this crud? Was anyone screaming "We Need a Beetlejuice sequel Right Now" or could we have waited another year or so for them to write a second draft to this sequel?
This has to be Tim Burton's worst movie. By a landslide. Of course, I haven't seen all of his films and I really have very little negative to say about most of them. This...mess of a movie...I have plenty to say.
Hard to do a synopsis since there are literally 26-subplots here, but suffice to say...wait. There actually is no main plot. This is just equal parts of all said multi-mini-diversions. I am sure of one thing: This "Comedy" is absolutely not funny. I smirked twice, both from Catherine O'Hara and she was playing more of her Schitt's Creek character than the one from the 80s.
I guess it is funny I can't think of what this is about. Maybe the most through-line was centered around the death of Charles (the father from part one, and this ain't a spoiler as the entire movie kickstarts because of this character's off-screen death) and how that brings the whole family with new members back to the world's largest small town. Problem is, they kept celebrating him and I have nothing but contempt for the real-life sex offender. It's hard enough to see him in some of the greats (the original Beetlejuice, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, The Hunt for Red October, The Devil's Advocate to name a few.) I certainly don't wish to "celebrate" him, fictional character or not.
Not really sure why this was about so many things. It was so unfocused it was as if people kept shouting ideas they wanted for the sequel and the writers didn't want to make enemies so they agreed to all of them. Oh, and really none of the subplots worked. It just gave the dozen or so main characters something to do with their arc.
And very surprisingly, the title character is so wasted, so unlike his original take and so...very...dull. He wasn't given one funny line and he resembled so little from the first movie, this seemed like more of a paycheck than his return as the Dark Knight in The Flash.
While there were plenty of plot holes, the biggest involved one character's loooong journey to find Beetlejuice. She's so incredibly invested to find him - and she does ask a dozen characters where he is, she seemingly forgets the ONE RULE Beetlejuice is constantly reminding people for how to summon him. Seriously. It's like them making a Legacy sequel to Gremlins and Billy immediately feeds Gizmo after midnight upon their reunion.
This movie didn't resemble the original in the slightest. It barely tried. It overdid small gags from the original and underdid what made the 1988 classic so timeless. And awesome, and hilarious, and creative.
Please don't say his name even once. This long-overdue sequel is this year's Independence Day: Resurgence and is just as forgettable.
***
Final Thoughts: I will give this movie one credit - the only thing it improved upon was the graphics from the outer desert scenes. I just can't get past how bad that looked in the original and here, it was competently presented.
Borderlands (2024)
Cloudy Atlas
I'm honestly not sure if they meant to do these incredibly cheap special effects for "style" or they were trying to play homage to the late 90s/early 2000s low-budget "epics."
Either way, this Syfy version of The Guardians of the Lost Star Wars Ark's only best qualities were a 34/66 ratio of a very funny to extremely annoying sidekick robot and Cate Blanchett's look. Oh, and that I prayed that the last 10 minutes would be credits so this would be even shorter and my prayer was answered.
A band of outlaw misfits are after one MacGuffin to next one until they Lara Croft their way to the hidden treasure. And you won't ever believe how this ends!
Just kidding. You should know 3-4 minutes in.
Some people hate Director/Writer/Etc Eli Roth. I actually like a ton of his movies. Unfortunately, this clichéd, predictable and tired attempt to capitalize on MUCH better movies and sagas is probably his all-time worst. Yeah, he's known for horror and to be frank, most scary movies mirror this movie's flaws. He probably should just stick to his own lane, though. THAT, I feel, he excels at.
I mean, I guess, if you're nostalgic for harmless, early 2000s, Syfy cash-grab rip-offs, here you go. There has to be a market for these or no one would ever watch those Lifetime/Hallmark holiday replicas.
***
Final Thoughts: And wow. While am NOT a Kevin Hart fan, I do believe can be funny at times. Here, he was so unbelievably miscast, I also believe he really brought this movie down many notches.
Alien: Romulus (2024)
Alien's Greatest Hits
If you wanted to love 1979's Alien, but it was too slow for you...here you go.
While 1986's Aliens remains both my favorite film in this series and my all-time favorite action movie, this comes VERY close to matching the action in that first sequel. After the obligatory world-building and character development, this is all-but non-stop action.
And I'm really digging this interquel (Prequel/Half-Sequels) trend. Starting with 2016's incredible Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and continuing with the great Saw X from 2023, 2024's Alien: Romulus is an absolute perfect match/follow-up to the original 45-years-ago.
Rain, her brother and others are desperate to leave the mining planet they're contracted on and when an opportunity arises in the shape of an outer-space ship, they high tail it there. I can't lie to you about their chances, but... they have my sympathies.
While 2018's Halloween wasn't an interquel, it must've been an inspiration to these creators. You should be able to find an entire series worth of Alien Eggs (formally known as Easter Eggs) in this movie. And even though it's been a long time since I've seen any of the Alien films, I recognized the multiple nods/nostalgia to the franchise. They were awesome.
It wasn't perfect, nor groundbreaking, but if you are a fan, this IS the movie for you. It's a ton of fun, straight-forward and you feel every bit of the tension/stakes. Unfortunately, not anyone here could match Sigourney Weaver or Ripley and one familiar character was pretty badly CGI'd (and luckily, that's the ONLY bad effect in this entire movie.) Still, the characters, at least half of them, were good. It just isn't about the characters this time.
This is a major love letter to the original, modernized with creative and fresh ideas to truly kickstart this beloved series again. I'm very much looking forward to more to come.
***
Final Thoughts: From memory, here's my Alien Franchise ranking:
1. Aliens (1986)
2. Alien (1979)
3. Alien: Romulus (2024)
4. Prometheus (2012)
5. Alien vs. Predator (2004)
6. Alien 3 (1992)
7. Alien Resurrection (1997)
8. Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
9. Alien: Covenant (2017)
Possum (2018)
Basket Carry-On
While spiders are Tight! These days, this one might be the weirdest web.
Judging from the poster, my arachnophobia immediately kicked in and I had to watch this. Well, this really isn't a spider-horror, unfortunately, but it IS one of the strangest and eeriest films I've seen in a while. In so many more ways than one. NOTE: those Borrowed-Babadook poems.
Instead of being an "official" spider-horror, the story revolves around an incredibly creepy male who I instantly pegged as an unreliable narrator. He carries around this bag with him everywhere and he keeps trying to get rid of the (ABSOLUTELY hideous) contents...and keeps getting drawn back to it in a seemingly endless and destructive loop.
I kept thinking throughout the many reasons he was attached to this bag and its immoral inhabitant. Like this was a fable or parable of sorts. I kinda did figure out very early on what this was all about. And yet, still, this very slow-burn of a thriller is increasingly creepy and uneasy to witness. ESPECIALLY if you know what they're trying to say.
There's this scene early on (no spoilers) but it involves the lead, Phillip (played by Sean Harris) on a train and what he does was probably THEE scariest, most realistic and horrifying move in one of these kinds of acts. Sorry, trying to be vague, but you'll know it when you see it.
If you dare, however. This movie isn't for everyone and even though I compared it (very loosely) to 1982's Basket Case, it's nothing like it outside the lead carrying around a monster. It's very slow and if you can bear through it, it'll give you the horror-high we horror enthusiasts crave.
***
Final Thoughts: Who knew Sean Harris (From Mission: Impossible 5-6) had this much range? Well, okay, probably many more people who've seen his performances and I've only (now) seen 3: the M:I movies and this one. And he's vastly different here from his villain role opposite Ethan Hunt.
(By the way, I LOVED his portrayal of Solomon Lane in the M:I adventures. He's definitely a tremendous nemesis of Hunt's. He's just vastly different here.)
The Voyeurs (2021)
Rears Window
The poster states: "Amazon Original Movie." Um, "Original" is not very accurate when 3 minutes in and you're already thinking of "Rear Window" references. (And then never stop comparing them.)
I will give this one unbroken foot over the Hitchcock classic: nudity. So...much...nudity. To the point of me thinking: So, was this the equivalent of Cinemax After Dark? (I'm sincerely asking since I never had access to that.)
A couple moves into what appears to be a four-million-dollar apartment downtown and who'd guess it? There are views across the way to a sexy-sexy couple who are apparently shameless. When the GenZ couple initially scoffs at voyeurism, one half becomes obsessed...to a fatal attraction.
While I guessed one of the major twists, thankfully, there are about four, maybe more, twists following. It just keeps twisting and turning and eventually settles on a satisfying, yet VERY made-for-Lifetime, finale.
I liked it, but it was a bit long and very one-sided with the nudity, sadly. You'd have to pause to see any male bits whereas there is absolutely no need to pause for any female nudity for the extreme amount of screentime it takes up.
If you're into this kind of sexystery, with surprisingly very good acting, you're a voyeur, too. And, believe me: no shaming here, whatsoever.
***
Final Thoughts: One thing I could NOT stand...her name. The lead's name is "Pippa." I don't know why, but this bothered me so much. I've never heard of such a name. Plus, it was worse since we had the close captioning on for my father and I had to keep seeing her name in print.
(No offense against anyone here named Pippa. I'm sure you're a fine person and people like you. Despite your name, of course.)
The Seeding (2023)
Children of the Canyon
This Maze Runner Without a Maze, Hills Have Eyes without Hills wants to be both Midsommar and way smarter than it ever was.
And that said, I didn't hate the experience. It was a slightly original take on referenced movies. The real problem is the characters.
The world's dumbest hiker gets lured far from his car and ultimately gets trapped in a desert canyon. There he meets the canyon's only other year-round resident, the oddest female. Eventually he learns of a disgusting, desert-dwelling pack of kids who torment the couple stuck below.
If you don't know where this is going, SEE: the Title.
I'm afraid I cannot recommend because just about everyone annoyed me and they acted unlike any human would. For instance, one character is "trapped" in a steal cage that doesn't have a bottom cage floor. It's sitting on dirt so our "hero" could've/should've either dug his way out if the cage was too heavy, or just lift it above his head and step out.
Also, this was just plain weird at times with such a predictable ending, it had zero impact. Just don't plant this seed.
***
Final Thoughts: There are similar movies of this nature I liked way more: Open Water 2 and 2018's The Pool. Totally recommend those and once you watch them, you'll know how much more horror they were comparatively speaking.
The Beekeeper (2024)
Bee All That You Can Bee
If this Bee-Movie came out in the late 90s as it appeared, I would actually probably call this movie too clichéd and completely unoriginal. Thank goodness it's 2024.
Sometimes we just need to see another movie about a mortal superman who has as much of a heart of gold as he does warrior skills. Aside from the endless bee-puns and wiki insight into the hive, this John Wick-Bourne/Taken action-revenge tale was most entertaining. Helps the enemy is one of the vilest humans on Earth...
Lowlife phishing scammers take everything from the landlord of a retired (when are they not retired in these movies?) special-ops/off-the-grid beekeeper. Jason Statham must Wick himself right up to the top for beengeance.
Lucky for the title character, the scammer's offices are just down the street from where he lives instead of, oh I don't know, ANYWHERE 7,000 miles away like most fraud companies. But, this is the main definition of a popcorn movie so leave your brain at the door and just have fun. These 90s throwbacks aren't as common so it's a nice homage.
So great to see Statham still has it. I've loved him and his brand of action since the original Transporter. I even really liked Transporter 2, despite the lazy and terrible CGI/green screens. Not so much his Crank movies and the Expendables have a 50/50 chance of being decent.
I digress. If you'd love to revisit the 90s without another nostalgia-bait film, this'll do just fine.
***
Final Thoughts: Maybe they saved the infamous "Oh, no, not the bees! Not the bees! They're in my eyes!" reference for the sequel.
Humane (2024)
Bodies Bodies
Enlist today! Aren't you ready to die for your country?
While it's nowhere near as good as its dysfunctional family/friends counterparts: You're Next, Ready or Not, The Collector, and Bodies Bodies Bodies, it would fit right in with a home-invasion marathon with these. And that's nowhere near what I expected, from the poster anyways.
I succeeded in going in cold for this one, sans the poster of a masked man standing at a doorway while holding a syringe. This is my preferred method; I absolutely love being surprised throughout the experience, like with this movie. I *thought* this was a slasher with a medical nutjob. Well, kinda, I guess?
Humane is definitely inhumane, obviously. In the near, and possible future, global warming has Day After Tomorrowed and people are now forced to both use umbrellas whenever in the sun and do whatever it takes to decrease the population. Enter rich, snobbish, opinionated and divided family X of the central plot and get ready to root for the bad guy.
I like movies like these. Movies that start of humorous/hilarious and fun-horror/suspense and eventually and progressively gets dark. Like really dark. And gruesome. Well-done practical gore. (Or at least it appeared practical.)
I also liked the commentary that's incredibly relevant today. We are most certainly a divided (by design) country and this movie is every Thanksgiving meal when the guests have courage.
Plus, I did favor all the backgrounds and the director/writer allowing time for each character to shine leaving really only one that dominated and stole every scene: Bob, the collector. He was definitely my favorite character, even though his slight revelation of who he really is was kinda disappointing. I preferred him indifferent.
I wish this movie was broader, but maybe like The Purge, this'll need a sequel or franchise to break free from the house setting. While I liked what I got in exposition/news clips, I was still a bit confused on the worldbuilding outside of the single-place location.
Still, I definitely recommend this fun and sometimes brutal romp that shouldn't be taken too seriously. A scary popcorn flick, indeed.
***
Final Thoughts: My headline was gonna be "Starship Bloopers" with reference to enlisting to a propaganda-soaked government, but thought that would reference more sci-fi/alien invasion movies more. Though, I'd love to see the bloopers for this movie.
These Final Hours (2013)
This Isn't Gonna End Well
I thought The Last of Us *was* the last of us but actually, these two similar plots literally came out within weeks of each other in 2013: 6/14/13 for Last and 8/2/13 for Final (in Australia, that is.)
Unfortunately, the similarities don't go beyond the "End of the World" scenario and an older man escorting a young girl. These Final Hours suffers from an enormously unlikeable male lead and an extremely dull young protagonist. In fact, there really isn't anyone at all interesting or favorable in this flick.
That's not to say it wasn't enjoyable...barely, though. I LOVED the premise: an Earth-Ending Asteroid hits somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean destroying most of the Western Hemisphere first. Slowly, but absolutely surely, the obliviating everything blast wave makes its way to our "heroes" in Australia. So, what would people do? Party, drugs, sex, alcohol, get scared and a lot of people un-aliving themselves.
The entire movie is tense because we all know what's coming, especially thanks to the enjoyable, though implausible, commentary from the Radio Talk Show host. What's coming is foretold in the opening and unfortunately there were no astronauts around to train drilling experts how to be astronauts for them to drill a nuke into the asteroid. Instead, there was a Deep Impact to cause Armageddon.
I did want to like this movie more and I think the movie DID like itself a little too much. It's just that the entire movie was shot basically orange/brown. While I'm not 100% sure that meant the atmosphere was already orange from the impact, I doubted that feeling this was the Director's choice. Also, I just hated everyone. Well, maybe not Girlfriend #1, but she was still wildly flawed. And I REALLY wish this movie had a budget.
Sometimes low-budget films for the End of the World plots can be very effective. I mean, you still REALLY need great special effects even if used sparingly. I NEED to see a great money-shot, like the pending doom. Once we get to zero hour, it wasn't too bad. Could've been better. I do wish this would be remade with a higher budget and tons of more extras. It's been 10+ years. High time for one.
Extremely loose recommendation and still, I do have questions:
Why does practically everyone leave the keys in their vehicles when they exit them in the middle of an apocalypse and why more people weren't out and about playing the Purge games during their final 12 remaining hours they had? At very least, they never played the "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" song. Totally overused in disaster flicks.
(I'll allow it in Independence Day since that is the Grandaddy of ALL disaster movies.)
***
Final Thoughts: While this would be a good double-feature with Melancholia, just note, they are vastly and tonally different. Only the basic set up is the same and is predicted in Scene One. Both tell you the world's about to end - get used to it.
Deadpool & Wolverine (2024)
Made Avengers Great Again
If this is the last DP, they sincerely went out on a bang. No Theory; it was a Big Bang.
As much as I try my best to avoid trailers for how spoil-rich they are, I did manage to catch a few for this movie. Holy cow...for once, they kept the 83 secrets/twists/cameos hidden. THANK YOU, Marketing team. Finally did your job right. (Though, some of the biggest jokes did lose their impact having being ruined from the previews.)
I digress. Since Mr. Pool has finally joined the MCU - and in case you didn't know that, they'll repeatedly remind you in this movie (not a complaint - each one-liner was hilarious,) it would be hard to rank this movie amongst the other 30+ films. This was wildly different than any single one of them. That said, I'd probably rank it...8th.
Not that it's a perfect movie. It's just that the majority of the MCU was merely good to meh and some terrible entries. This was a VERY entertaining film and deserves a top ten spot.
While this was out of this universe, in more ways than several, this VERY much felt like a Deadpool movie. Helps I just revisited 1 & 2 within 24 hours. Six years since the last one and it's as if they just walked off Part 2's sets.
As the title indicates, Wolverine (nice to see you back, Hugh!) & Deadpool team up, fight, unite other heroes, fight, make up, fight, swear a lot and kick some A when their worlds/universes are threatened or broken. Will Tilda "Ancient One" Swinton's twin (actually she's a twin of...joke, no spoilers here) stop them and destroy everything they love?
The jokes were good, fresh and relevant, though I can't see them aging too well for future generations. Can't say this movie was made to stand the test of time, but for now, it was a great addition and conclusion (if this is the last) to the D-P-Three.
That said, was I laughing as hard as the first two? Negative. But, I WAS laughing a lot so it definitely did its job. What I actually liked the most, and I can't believe I actually feel this way, were the cameos.
Obviously, I ain't spoiling ANY of them for you, and you should unfriend anyone who does. They were all SO good to see again. And speaking of which, definitely stay through the credits. The first clip is really touching and very fun to watch. And the second/final clip post-credits was pretty comical.
Definitely a recommend to any Deadpool fan or even of the MCU as this 100% intwined now. I do wish to see it again soon as I bet I missed a ton of the Easter Eggs, references and jokes.
***
Final Thoughts: Funny. I just rewatched 1996's Twister in anticipation of this year's long-overdue sequel, Twisters and I was thinking: "I really miss huge Event Movies (like the original Twister.) Doesn't seem like they're really made anymore." If a movie's gonna make its money, it'll be in the first two weekends and then shipped to streaming a few more weeks later. They're like quick firecrackers these days vs. The old days of Event Movies that last for months, with constant week-after-week box office profits and repeat-viewings.
Well, Deadpool & Wolverine feels like an Event Movie and while I know it's gonna make insane money this opening weekend, I hope it has longevity. I know I wanna see this again very soon.
All of Us Strangers (2023)
When Harry Met Adam...
What started as a complete melodrama that I almost turned off...ended with a bang. So to speak.
One thing that kept me going was something weird that I noticed in the beginning. It was throwing me way off, so I was intrigued. That's a good sign for any movie, especially when you initially misread the experience.
Loner Andrew finds himself more alone than he imagined while living in a high rise in London with only one neighbor, down a few floors. Once they meet, sparks slowly begin to fly until Andrew's dependence on his parents gets in the way...will the two make it?
Oh, there's MUCH more than that to the story. I just fed you the melodramatic bits. What I loved more was where the story evolved into and those twists, while somewhat predictable, really made this much more emotional and stand out.
The two twists to this, again, are telegraphed, and honestly, I barely caught onto the first one. The second one I did guess. That said, it's okay if you guess. It's still a well-made movie with a sad but lovely finale.
And it was hard to believe they nabbed an Oscar-nominated actor to play the secondary character/neighbor. I thought he was incredible in this movie and nice my read was correct as he was JUST nominated that year (2023) for the year before's Aftersun movie. (Haven't seen that and now I'm really interested.)
As I thoroughly recommend this movie, it was my straight friend who recommended this to me and weird he knew about/saw it before I even knew this existed. He even liked Bros and got me to see/buy that. NO, he's not even curious, he just appreciates good indie flicks no matter the sexual orientation of the characters.
And that's why he's my friend.
***
Final Thoughts: No spoilers, but the final reveal DOES make me wonder what's next, or how long can this go on? The doors it opens make me think back on this with even fonder memories.
Twisters (2024)
Twist on the Original
Despite no sharks in these them tornadoes, they still looked darn kewl!
Sorry about that. I got the lead actor's country-boy dialect stuck in my head.
I understand the original (and these are so loosely tied, blink and you might miss the scene connecting the two) is nearly 30 years old, so maturing up the "Sequel/Reboot/Remake" is probably what this Gen wants to see. And yes, this is definitely a more refined and mature version of 1996's Twister.
After a failed science experiment involving, you guessed it, twisters leaves tragedy, the enormously talented storm chaser/project lead goes recluse. Only when she's drawn back into the field from an old friend does she realize her potential to correct her mistakes and "save the world."
I LOVED the twist of the original Twister - instead of the male half of the relationship doing wrong and begging the female to give him another shot, it was gender swapped. And I really dug the twist of this movie as well. Only, I can't spoil for you. I WILL say it's fairly obvious very early on and they pretty much tell you less than an hour in, or half-way'ish.
And before you say, "well, you spoiled part one!" #1: it's 28-years-old, so the Statute of Limitations have far expired and #2: that "twist" happens in the first 20 minutes of the movie so it's more of a plot synopsis than spoiler. In Twisters, the twist is more to mind-bend the original and is too big of a plot point to spoil this early.
I will forever love the original as one of the best disaster movies of all time and still holds up today. In prep for this follow-up tonight, I watched the 1996 film this morning and I can confirm it's timeless. Plus, it has one of the all-time best soundtracks and the chemistry between Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt (not to mention the remaining cast) elevates the movie above 90% of disaster flicks.
While I believe this 2024 chapter is enormously better made, polished and much more realistic (aside from the science I believe couldn't happen - or someone most certainly would've by now) there is one thing completely separating the two: I've already seen 1996's Twister at least 20x and could possibly see it another 20x before I die. I honestly do not have a desire to see this update again. Unless, maybe if there's another movie making this an official trilogy or at least, franchise and I wanted to reconnect with the characters before seeing the third Twister.
That's not knocking this movie. As stated, this is a very good, thrilling and surprisingly deep - much deeper than the original - movie. I just had much more fun with the original. Maybe because it was 10x less serious and 10x more of a popcorn event movie.
Still, like I told all my friends in 1996: this is NOT to be skipped in theatres. This NEEDS to be seen on the biggest screen, or at least Dolby - which was fantastic, by the way. Don't wait for Streaming for this gorgeous cinematography with incredible special effects (a ton, I hope, were practical.) So... SEE IT!
***
Final Thoughts: The recap I had this morning of Twister was the first time I've seen it in 14 years and I saw it a lot prior to then. Like I said, at least 20x in the 90s. The weird part I realized: the movie playing at the Drive-In was the masterpiece, The Shining. At the time, 1996, it was a mere 16-years-old. It's so hard to picture that movie only being a hair over a decade and a half old. Nowadays, it's aged 44 years which feels so much more accurate. Another observation: That was probably my favorite Helen Hunt role and I've loved her in a lot of movies. Second Best HAS to be As Good as it Gets.
Arcadian (2024)
A Not-So Quiet Place
28 Days Later and After Earth, you'll partially find out what's Happening when It Comes at Night, Earth transforms into a Battlefield and you become Legend.
I don't know what triggers Nic Cage. He's up, down and all-over-the-map in any given movie. Here, he plays a very somber, low-key Dad who sadly spends too much time horizontally than up and Crazy.
Right off the bat, I did like this movie. It wasn't perfect, by far, and absolutely not original plus the CGI/creature designs were laughable at best, but with the solid acting, mood, cinematography and chemistry between the characters who take this very seriously, it was enjoyable.
In another post-apocalypse creature-feature, a father and his two sons seemingly have a good fortress of solitude in the shape of an isolated house and this protects them from the night beasts. When one of the teens gets trapped outside at night and an accident occurs, will the distant neighbors offer to help or are they on their own?
Question: Why do most movie post-apocalypse survivors always look so pretty? Well shaved, hair perfect, clothes always clean and in shape...it's almost like the Art Department forgot this takes place when electricity, i.e. Washing/drying machines, isn't an option. Even if they had electricity, would they really waste any precious water on washing clothes/showers, etc? It always takes me out of the movie when they characters aren't dressed appropriately or at very least, pretty dirty, unshaven and with mopped hair.
I digress. I literally ONLY watched this Nic Cage movie because one of my favorite YouTube channels (Red Letter Media) covered both this and Longlegs in a single, definitely spoiler-heavy vlog - so, I had to see both first before I watched their reviews. I just saw Longlegs a couple of days ago and this was available on Shudder, so why not?
And I ended up enjoying the 92-minute monster movie. Again, far from perfect and if you're looking for another Crazy-Cage performance, you'll be disappointed. As a subdued look at survival when monsters are waiting to rapidly snap their jaws at you, you may have a fun time like I did.
***
Final Thoughts: Funny, I must not be very familiar with the title's meaning or word because I've had to look this title up via Nic Cage's filmography each time I logged this viewing, did research, remember what I just watched or wrote this review. After looking up the meaning, I truly think they could've come up with a better name. "Beauties and the Beasts" comes to mind.
Abigail (2024)
Guardians of the Gailaxy
Ready or Not, here we go again. And that's not a complaint.
I like to go in as cold as possible to any movie I'm even remotely interested in, but I did know this was about a young ballerina vamp. Unfortunately, they do try (haha, "try") to keep that as a surprise in the movie.
If you saw ANY of the marketing, you'll already know this fact. So I'm not sure why they even remotely tried. And it was painfully obvious who/what this girl was. At VERY least, she was major threat disguised as a little girl.
But, that's okay. I enjoyed the rest of the movie, sans some dumb decisions on the characters' part. Would it be a horror movie without dumb character decisions?
A specialized group of seemingly strangers kidnap the title character for a ransom. Only catch - that they know of up front, that is: they must spend the next 24-hours babysitting/protecting said child without revealing their identities. Oh, there are many more catches in store.
At first, I didn't like this band of bandits. Mercifully, immediately after the introduction and the "Getting to Know You" montages, I actually ended up liking them all. Then this reminded me of the directors' other Ready or Not film from 2019 as well as 2021's The Suicide Squad, 2017's The Babysitter, 2014's Guardians of the Galaxy, 2011's You're Next, 1992's Reservoir Dogs or ANY Saw movie, namely Parts II and V. If you liked those or even one of those, you're bound to fancy this.
The movie is ALMOST a slasher with how we witness a group of youngish adults, isolated - in this case, an extremely large mansion and they're picked off one-by-one. Heck, even the movie is on the nose with its "And Then There Was None" reference.
While I wasn't a fan of some of the CGI, the endless and sometimes pointless ballerina scenes - these did feel like deleted scenes from M3GAN's dance sequences, or for one major mistake the gang makes, many of the jump scares and twists/plot reveals really worked on me. Plus, the chemistry between the cast is so good, it's too bad they all can't return for the inevitable sequel.
I especially liked the Alien Vs. Predator finale. While two different subgenres, this would be a great double feature with said M3GAN. Or any one of those movies I listed above. Heck, have a marathon with them all. You really couldn't go wrong.
***
Final Thoughts: No spoiler, but if you've seen this, you'll know what I'm referring to. In the middle/closer to the third act, there was a time the characters could've eliminated the threat, super easy, barely an inconvenience. Instead, they locked said threat into a cage. If you have a shot, TAKE IT. This irritated me because at least half of these characters weren't that dumb.
More Final Thoughts: Oh, and I was actually saving this one until October and I figured I'd have to buy this or at least pay for a rental. I was willing to do so, but then it came available on my subscription Peacock, and I had to jump on it. I really wanted to see it anyways and who knows? They may remove this before October from being included in the subscription since they know people would pay for this in Scary-movie season.
Longlegs (2024)
Beware of Daddy
Awww, I thought this was another killer spider movie. Spoiler: It ain't.
It ain't a lot of things actually. It starts off as The Silence of the Lambs/Manhunter/Hannibal the TV Series, but it ain't. Half of this is set in reality, the other definitely ain't. SOME characters act human, MOST ain't. And of Nicolas Cage's best performances, this ain't.
To be somewhat positive, I LOVED how it was shot and the locations/locale. Set in my favorite region of the USA, the Pacific Northwest, specifically Oregon, helps. And it did resemble The Silence of the Lambs slightly with how it was shot and the lead character almost acted like Clarice Starling of both The Silence of the Lambs and Hannibal and Will Graham of the Hannibal TV Series. (Only, I loved Clarice & Will and this was only a fraction of those characters. This lead...well, you'll have to have A LOT of patience.)
I really don't know what reality this was set in. It's certainly a trip with most "humans" acting like aliens pretending to be human. Nic Cage pretty much always does, but the lead, FBI Agent Lee Harker (Maika Monroe,) is absolutely out of this world. I'm shocked she could even pass the Academy. Unfortunately, we have very few characters to latch onto since she's so off and she was either written by A. I. or is an actual Alien posing as a human.
The basic gist: there's a Saw-like serial killer who targets families from time to time and the FBI needs to catch this ghost face as the clock ticks down to the next killing. Will wet-behind-the-ears Harker help her veteran agents track down this monster?
Don't get me wrong. I didn't hate it. In fact, it has left an impression on me, a weird feeling. Probably because it was genuinely weird.
What I kinda hated was Nic's Cage's character. Or at least how Nic decided to portray him. And this is coming from a HUGE Nic Cage fan. It was very hard to narrow down his best 10 in a list. This, Longlegs, doesn't even break the top 25 for him. At least for his performance. Felt like he was in a completely different movie and even the main film when he wasn't present was off tone a lot.
I wasn't a fan of Twin Peaks, but I saw the movie and a few episodes. THIS reminded me so much of that. Like the movie is set in reality and slowly, you realize you just opened the door to The Twilight Zone.
Not sure if this would be one of those that grows on me as I certainly don't want to see it again. I just didn't like any of the characters. Not one. Well, MAYBE the third-tier FBI Agent Browning played by Michelle Choi-Lee. She was at least grounded and really only character to latch onto.
Again, didn't hate it, but I certainly wouldn't recommend it. Unless you love artsy-fartsy, dream-trip mysteries with dialed up gore from time to time.
***
Final Thoughts: Nic Cage's choices in this made me think he was getting revenge on anyone who talked down upon his Renfield movie. Nic finally got his wish to play Dracula...only, with a price: poor reviews and it was a huge flop. I am NOT one of the haters. I actually really enjoyed Renfield, well, okay, mostly the Dracula-half of the movie, not the cop side-story. Anyways, this is Nic saying bah to Renfield's critics and purposely doing poorly as payback. Heck, you could model this character off of Marlon Brando's in The Island of Dr. Moreau.
Ostatnia wieczerza (2022)
The Wicked Man
You ever wish an ending would've played-out how you thought it should, only to end up loving the actual ending all-together? No? Oh, I guess I'm alone.
I digress, this was yet another superior/low-budget supernatural film that takes me time to digest and I'm actually glad I waited until the next day to write my review. I needed that time to praise this more than my initial reaction.
And I didn't actually think I'd like it as the opening seemingly stole, shot-by-shot, The Omen's ending leading me to believe there was another Omen chapter/remake I missed. Add this to the slow (at the time) Act Two. It only gets exciting, predictably, in the third act.
Seven women are labelled missing after being sent to a monastery in the middle of nowhere for an exorcism. A new clergyman is sent there, but he may not be who he claims to be. Meanwhile, he starts seeing/experiencing some weird stuff and he might have gotten WAY over his head.
Overall, I actually REALLY liked this alternative Omen version. Not to mention, also in the same vein as Heredity, The Cabin in the Woods, and The Wicker Man (either.) If you liked any/all of those, you're bound to enjoy this as well.
To be fair, I believe I liked/loved all of those mentioned MORE than 2022's Hellhole, but that doesn't diminish how well made/written this was and would fit in perfectly with those for a mini-marathon. In the past, I've never been fully on board with religious-horror, but lately, I can't get enough of these...sans any nunsploitation. I truly, just can't get into that.
Anyhoo. Totally recommend this dark and fun ride to a loveable finale as this movie should end. See it.
***
Final Thoughts: My friend recommended me this and when I ran a search for it, 1985's unrelated Hellhole appeared alongside this one. I knew he meant the 2022 movie, but just for you know and giggles, I decided on a double Hellhole feature and watched the 1985 one first (see my review) and then this one. These two couldn't be further apart. Like aggressively distant. Not to say they're connected, aside from the title. It was just a fun experience to see two Hellhole movies at two ends of the spectrum back-to-back.
Come to think of it...This film is like the Original Wicker Man while 1985's Hellhole would be the Nick Cage-Classic Remake of The Wicker Man.
Hellhole (1985)
Holes, Indeed
Holey heck, this was released on my 11th birthday. Had I watched this then, I think this might have confused the adolescent I was even more.
Funny, I've actually never seen one of those women-in-prison/captive exploitation films. And I may not have if this horror disguised as action disguised as mystery disguised as sof+-core pourn didn't deceive me with it's scary, oh-so-80s, awesome VHS box cover.
I am literally shocked. Not because of the countless nakkid woman-on-woman, full-frontal long-shots. No, because YouTube has this all free and able to be viewed by all, including kids. But, hey, if a nood man was on a YT vid, they would ban the user and their next two lives.
And there WERE countless and random lesbeanne action scenes that never really fit any part of the plot. No need to worry, tho...the plot? It's as bad as the pourn scripts this resembles.
Anyways, in this so incredibly and unintentionally hilarious, should've been on MST3k romp, a mother and daughter, who incidentally hid some papers, get attacked sending the "young daughter" who's clearly late-20s (and was 27 at the time,) to an asylum because that's where you send all people with amnesia. So, I guess she truly lost her mind...to be sent there.
The rest of the "movie" is her trying to escape some nasty orderlies and the inmates finding excuses to have group/individual sex. Frankly, since I'm not interested in any of that, I found this rather boring and I tuned most of it out.
What I didn't tune out was the head doctor, Dr. Fletcher and the actress, Mary Woronov, chewing up and clearly stealing every scene she was in. I loooved her and quickly recalled her from Night of the Comet. She was so mesmerizing and over-the-top, it really made this worth watching.
Well, that and how funny this was (again, unintentionally) and so many LOL moments you can add your own MST3k commentary. I certainly did.
***
Final Thoughts: Just an observation, and coming from someone who hasn't seen too many nood ladies...I don't think shaving/trimming was common in 1985 if this movie represented the mid-80s. Some of them were so big and oddly square, I'd swear they were little cut-outs of carpet and glued on.
Color Out of Space (2019)
Far Out, Man
Not sure if someone has Cabin Fever or I need to be on some kind of narcotic. I really don't know what I just watched.
Admittedly, I'm not verse on the H. P. Lovecraftiverse. Is all his work this psychedelic? I did just learn he died on my Birthday, well, 37 years before I was born. I digress, they did hire the right actor to play the lead: Nic Cage.
This film is WEIRD, but it is unique and has a ton of practical effects which I will prefer 8 days a week over CGI. To be fair, I'm sure there is a ton of CGI here. It just felt a lot more body-horror made from humans.
The Gardner family are adjusting to the forest/farm life from the big city when all of a sudden, a pink meteorite disrupts their bickering. (Mind you, only for a bit.) Now that said Color Out of Space is spreading its pink-madness and there may not be any escape for...their Alpacas! Or, okay, any of us.
Undeniably, it's a well-made movie. It's super weird and too many people make too many dumb decisions. Wouldn't be a horror movie without them and they were probably under the pink-influence. It's not one I'll seek out again. Unless I do find myself under the influence.
And if I were, I'd much rather rewatch Cage's Mandy, instead. Still within his mouth of madness, but much more grounded.
***
Final Thoughts: Just looked through the adaptations of his work and I'm truly not familiar with Lovecraft's work outside the Re-Animator series (which I loved the first one,) and maybe 1987's The Curse and I just recognize the cover art. I may/may not have seen that.
MaXXXine (2024)
X-Woman: Her Last Stand
NO ONE should complain about not getting original movies/horror movies when Ti West writes/directs/edits movies.
Typically, I don't like it when franchises sway from their origins and not stick with the feel, tone and look of its chapters. Not with X. After rewatching Pearl and X (both 2022) this week, I relished with how incredibly different they are in ALL aspects, with the exception of cast/crew/locales. And now West has hit another homer in a completely different ballpark.
I really didn't know what to expect coming into this third chapter and what I got matched ZERO of any possible expectation I had. This movie, which I think will grow on me much like what Pearl had to do for me, was so wildly different than I've seen before.
It's a period piece movie (something, yes, the X-trilogy has in common) set in 1985, but it doesn't at all feel like all the other nostalgia-bait 80s movies/shows these days. West doesn't throw it in your face like Captain Marvel's first movie did repeatedly. It's 1985 and anyone who lived then will know this was true-1985 and that's all you need to know.
(On a side note, I did VERY much appreciate the setting and look of X set in 1979 and I think West did the very same here for the 6-year time jump.)
Maxine has moved on since the Texas slaughter from X, but not everyone has. While she's truly trying to make a star out of herself in Hollywood, you will feel every bit of stress she experiences while she juggles multiple jobs, friends, a new movie role and a serial killer who's pretty focused on her.
This movie is brutal and I meant what I said in the synopsis: while you may/may not like the character of Maxine, you'll truly feel the weight that's on her shoulders throughout this entire movie. I can't imagine going through all she had to without all the coke, of course. It was the 80s Hollywood, after all.
There are a few things that go beyond the suspension of disbelief and I simply couldn't accept. But, for the most part, I truly enjoyed the ride and occasional eXXXtreme carnage that accompanied her quest. The balls scene...may make most men cringe.
This isn't a movie to start the franchise with. In fact, it's best to watch them in their given order: X, Pearl and MaXXXine. In fact, I can't wait to do this again once all are available on streaming.
So, if you're a fan of the series, Ti West, Mia Goth or an ORIGINAL movie (even for a part III,) see this movie. Again, after seeing the other two great films, of course.
***
Final Thoughts: I am NOT one to encourage milking franchises, especially expanding on the traditional and usually final threesome: The Trilogy. Ah-hem, look at what happened to the perfect Bourne, original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. BUUUUT, I would really love to see a Peal 2.0 or Peal 3.0 set in the 40s, 50s or 60s. I can see so much more to Pearl's character and all we got was her as a young lady and the most extreme aged woman. There has to been some gross misadventures during any of those decades and I cannot accept she literally only killed in the Pearl prequel and right before/during X.
The First Omen (2024)
The First Bored
ANOTHER example of a prequel that didn't need to exist.
The original Omen from 1976 was enough. Damien: Part II, eh, okay fine. The Final Conflict, while not perfect, was a nice end to the saga. Oh wait, there's MORE...
Admittedly, I've not seen the TV movie, Omen IV: The Awakening, so no opinion here. But, then fast forward - past the remake from 2006 - to 2024 and they just wanna show how Damien was born.
Why? Again, the actual first was enough. This was overkill with very little kills.
There is absolutely no reason to watch this movie. I was literally bored throughout this movie. And to be frank, I played my phone games for the bulk of this as it never kept my interest. I did, however, pay attention to the climax and wondered how any of the first couple of acts meant anything.
Maybe I need to see this again to understand an ounce of reasoning to make this prequel. This may be on me, but I honestly saw no reason for this to exist and for the most part...I was unbelievably bored. If you saw something different, more power to you. Hopefully this led you to enjoy the original from the 70s more.
I just didn't believe this was AT ALL necessary.
***
Final Thoughts: Just from memory:
1. The Omen (1976)
2. Damien - Omen II (1978)
3. The Final Conflict (1981)
4. The Omen (2006)
5. The First Omen (2024)
6. (Only because I didn't see it) Omen IV: The Awakening.
Immaculate (2024)
Rosemary's Baby: Resurrection
I'm so removed from the Catholic religion, the plot had to literally spell everything out before the title clicked for me.
Yep, when the main character gets pregnant out of nowhere - no spoiler, again, see the title, I was OHHH, I forgot about that. LOL.
Immaculate is really a simple story of a superiorly young Nun moving to an Italian convent decades ago and trying to fit in when BAM! That virgin gets preggers. Then things get odd for her and how everyone treats her.
The biggest problem I had with this movie was how it was lit. Or, well, lack of light. This movie is beyond dark. I watched it during the day in a somewhat bright living room and I could barely see it. I wondered if I need to see this at night - which, of course, is my preferred method of horror movie viewings.
And so, I did, just now. All lights/night light things off, and it's much easier to see, but still horribly dark. I even adjusted my TV settings to make it brighter. That only helped a bit. Not sure why they made this choice.
I probably wouldn't have seen this movie as I'm not really into Nunsploitation films. I haven't even seen The Nun 1 or 2. It's just that my favorite reviewer/vlogger, James A. Janisse of Dead Meat fame, is covering this next weekend, so I figured I'd give it a shot. He rarely features movies he hates.
It reminded me of a Cross between Suspiria, Rosemary's Baby, The Omen and oddly, Alien: Resurrection. I am a fan of all of those, and yes, even Alien Part 4. So, I was okay here. Admittedly, there's not much to the story once the title issue is presented about one-third of the way in, but it does have a very effective opening and finale. And more than a few jump scares were effective.
Recommended, especially for Conjuring Universe fans.
***
Final Thoughts: "I can't believe anybody would want to be a Nun. I mean, 'Nun' - the word says it." ~ Blanche Devereaux. One of my favorite ever Golden Girls lines from my all-time favorite TV show.
St. Elmo's Fire (1985)
Fizzled
How was this not a soap opera with its 170 different characters?
St. Elmo's Fire IS responsible for giving us one of the GREATEST SONGS OF ALL TIME. Plus, the score is pretty darn good, to boot. But, that SONG. Grew up in the 80s, sure, but it's Iconic no matter what Gen you belong to.
Also, this is the movie with a thousand stars. I haven't seen so many stars since an Oscar presentation. If you're into the Brat Pack + 20, this is THEE 80s nostalgia movie for you. But, call me old, by now - despite growing up then...this was too much to keep up with.
In a group of 20something 20somethings, there's love lost and gained between a variety of chain-smoking alcoholics. Who will acquire whom and will you remember a single character from scene to scene?
I remember seeing this once, like 20 years ago. I wasn't a fan, but somehow this has come back into the spotlight recently. And not in a good light. I guess people are turning against this.
I absolutely didn't hate it, or even dislike it. It's absolutely an 80's capsule. I just could never get invested in the 203-storylines and who likes whom and for whatever reason. Me guess you have to see this 20x to really get the relationships between these aimless post-graduates.
***
Final Thoughts: I did like how they handled a potential gay character in the mid-80s WITHOUT prejudice or homophobia. Honestly, for 1985, that's pretty amazing and refreshing.
Baghead (2023)
Talk to Me Again
Here is a great example of nothing wrong with your movie, except the average/unoriginal premise. As long as you don't expect much from your next 90 minutes, here's a fun film to watch.
I did love the worldbuilding and setting. Characters and intrigue to begin the 1st half. But, then it settled into the same ole horror tropes of "be careful for what you wish for"/Talk to Me fare. It actually felt more like an anthology TV Series episode, but stretched to an hour and a half.
People will come from all-around to see the title character in the basement. But, when the pub that contains the secret changes hands, the curse continues. Hopefully this doesn't Ex Machina its way into the world...
This wasn't my favorite, but I didn't hate it or dislike it at all. It's just there. You can tell ALL involved put their absolute heart into this horror tale. The special effects were good, the acting and locales solid. I grant this an extra-star above average only because NO ONE did a bad job here...except the three writers.
Sorry, this was anything but original. And there are so many better movies, such as the aforementioned Talk to Me and Ex Machina. To be fair, this would be a nice mini-marathon with the three. Just make sure you place this first so it can only get better from here.
***
Final Thoughts: I would say one thing tho...I'm really tired of the knuckle-cracking, fingers bending movements of the supernatural. Once you see it, you know what I'm referring to. It couldn't have started with The Ring or Ringu, but, that's the gist. This usually follows with a creek in the neck and disjointed movements of the body as the "entity" gets closer to the victim. COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL, please.
Madame Web (2024)
Madame Dread
I wish I had seen into the future and saved myself the 2-hours.
Actually, pretty much everyone on the Web advised against seeing this. So, naturally, I had to. I just love so-bad-it's-good or unintentionally hilarious cinema. Hint: it's not the former and every bit the latter.
A horrible human being is sucked into a tangled web of three boring teens when she gets the super-sight of future events. Will she suddenly learn martial arts to defeat an unscripted Spidey-villain?
Poor Dakota Johnson. Much like Kristen Stewart, I see more potential than their Fifty Shades of Twilight days. But DJ isn't doing much to prove me right. Eh, she's still got time.
This entire movie seemed like a prequel to a MUCH better movie with far better action and suspense. They literally kept showing us a better movie (basically what happens to the main characters in the future) and that's one of the number one movie rules...
Never show a better movie within your crappy one.
The best I could say about this poorly edited, badly dubbed, boring origin story is...it's not the worst I've seen. 2015's Fant4stic reminded me of this, but was far worse. I most certainly wouldn't recommend it as I can't think of many more redeeming qualities about it. It's really just dull and much too long.
***
Final Thoughts: For just the 4 Sony Spider-Man Spinoffs, their quality ranks perfectly chronologically:
1. Venom (2018)
2. Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021)
3. Morbius (2022)
4. Madame Web (2024)