Elvis returns, this time he is slightly weathered, quite a bit more lethargic, and desperate to escape his captors. But, his captors are not the oil paint smeared Arabs, nor the fairly innocuous women that surround him. His captors are much bigger than one motion picture could possibly describe. They are the entire industry he has found himself immersed in. They are the money-hungry culture vultures that readily devour a popular figure like him until he is but a bloated pasty corpse. This film shows them as they are through their sinister machinations. They can be seen with invisible marionette string as they force Elvis to march around in costume, as they prod him with sharp knives into doing little lackluster dances that turn into morose forced marches across the barren tundra of his once mighty career. This is not the Elvis of folklore, nor is it the Elvis that will return one day and save us from mediocrity. This is the dry Elvis, milked fully, udders raw, yet ever sedated. The Elvis that might have died on the screen in front of your eyes and you might have not even noticed it. Don't let the bright lights and forced smile fool you. It is your duty to lament this vision before you, because it is an ugly one.
Reviews
3 Reviews
The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour
(2004 TV Special)
Nick and Jessica, new American Prom King and Queen.
17 April 2006
Warning: Spoilers
Nick and Jessicas Variety Hour.
For real, these self-obsessed, obscene excuses for human beings, made a 60's style song and dance Variety Hour with skits and guest stars like Mr. T., Kit, Jewel, Johnny Bench and The Muppets. Now, there were a few moments in this episode that transcended the ridiculously awful and became sublimely entertaining. These moments are as follows: 1. The Duet with Jewel and Jessica singing Who Will Save your soul? Indeed, who would dare save their souls? The overly-exaggerated body jerking that Jessica does while she sings her spot on rendition of the song is absolutely surreal. And the vague pathetic smile on Jewels face as she sees this slaughter of her creation, is equally exhilarating. Is Jewel actually contemplating ending it all? It must feel like a pretty insane moment of existential turpitude. If she ever believed in her art, watching Jessica Simpson mock it perfectly must have destroyed that.
2. Nick Lachey,(ex-boy band member) and Kit(talking car from Knight Rider) sing... a duet.... And the car CRIES... Seriously.
3. "My name is Nick Lachey and I want to shave you." Some kind of bizarre skit that is supposed to be a commercial, in which Nick Lachey offers to shave you at home, for a price. Seriously.
4. Finally, the only acceptable and truly enjoyable ten seconds of this show came in the form of "Ten Seconds of Uncomfortable Silence With Mr. T." Aside from these moments. Nick and Jessica's Variety Hour was one of the worst television viewing experiences of my life.
May God have mercy on our souls.
For real, these self-obsessed, obscene excuses for human beings, made a 60's style song and dance Variety Hour with skits and guest stars like Mr. T., Kit, Jewel, Johnny Bench and The Muppets. Now, there were a few moments in this episode that transcended the ridiculously awful and became sublimely entertaining. These moments are as follows: 1. The Duet with Jewel and Jessica singing Who Will Save your soul? Indeed, who would dare save their souls? The overly-exaggerated body jerking that Jessica does while she sings her spot on rendition of the song is absolutely surreal. And the vague pathetic smile on Jewels face as she sees this slaughter of her creation, is equally exhilarating. Is Jewel actually contemplating ending it all? It must feel like a pretty insane moment of existential turpitude. If she ever believed in her art, watching Jessica Simpson mock it perfectly must have destroyed that.
2. Nick Lachey,(ex-boy band member) and Kit(talking car from Knight Rider) sing... a duet.... And the car CRIES... Seriously.
3. "My name is Nick Lachey and I want to shave you." Some kind of bizarre skit that is supposed to be a commercial, in which Nick Lachey offers to shave you at home, for a price. Seriously.
4. Finally, the only acceptable and truly enjoyable ten seconds of this show came in the form of "Ten Seconds of Uncomfortable Silence With Mr. T." Aside from these moments. Nick and Jessica's Variety Hour was one of the worst television viewing experiences of my life.
May God have mercy on our souls.
Cool as Ice
(1991)
The greatest movie of all time
7 February 2003
This movie is a gem. It has every cinematic achievement possible. Bright primary colors abound. Valiant hero, brilliant young damsel, bad cops, a steamy bedroom scene Vanilla is the classic hero in a small town, he blows the competition away. When he meets Kathy he knows, "yep yep she likes me." and later on when she tell shim her name he smiles and says, "Kathy? hmm?... Kat!" Thereby bestowing his awesomeness upon her and christening her Kat. This movie is da bomb. If you don't like it, that is because you fail to accept the amazing power of Vanilla Ice. Brick patterns and lightning bolts shaved into his head.
The Ice man says it best when he raps, as if by the grace of God,
"Dirty words / cuz you're a nerd / on first and third / it's absurd / to think that you've heard / better rhymes than these" and if you think that you've seen a better movie than this than you don't no Ice, you don't know Ice at All!
The Ice man says it best when he raps, as if by the grace of God,
"Dirty words / cuz you're a nerd / on first and third / it's absurd / to think that you've heard / better rhymes than these" and if you think that you've seen a better movie than this than you don't no Ice, you don't know Ice at All!
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