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Reviews
Bridge to Terabithia (2007)
This is no children's story. This is a serious drama.
I watched this, expecting the usual "magical fantasy land", like Narnia or Neverending Story. I expected an enchanting, lightweight, properly told fairytale. Instead, it turned out to be a very much adult drama, realistic to a fault, to which no usual "proper storytelling" mechanisms apply.
The story starts off as any young teen friendship novel: boy goes to school, boy is bullied, boy meets girl, girl has no friends and neither does he, boy and girl team up. And this is where the classic story lines usually begin: either one of the duo has problems that the other helps them overcome, or something happens that sends our heroes into a magical world, or magic starts to blend with reality, cue well-known "believe and you'll make fantasy a reality" mechanisms...
Sorry, none of that in Terabithia. None whatsoever. Welcome to a story about a magical land without any magic to it.
Here come massive spoilers.
The fantasy land stays a fantasy land and never serves any purpose other than allowing oneself to fantasize. Fantastic dangers are just a game and everyone involved knows that. Trying to get back at bullies, foreshadowed by humorous finding a tree troll's weak spot, ends up in non-funny ruining their school lives. Trying to befriend bullies, in turn, digs up some dirt that is "fixed" in a mind-bogglingly bad way (a girl beaten by her father so much that neighbours call the police is given "wise friendly advice" to pretend that everything is fine). Allowing himself to get invited on a field trip results in the hero not only getting scolded, but the heroine dying all of a sudden because she went to the "fantasy area" alone. The boy dreams of being the fastest runner, but is only really fast in the fantasy land, school races cease to matter after the first one. The boy's artistic talent never finds any use other than getting him praised by his music teacher. The only person that ever really enjoys the fantasy land is the boy's younger sister, who's been little more than a nuisance so far.
If you ask me, none of the usual plot elements are tied together to form any coherent plot. Sure, you can cut out a realistic "slice of life" of a handful of persons, let important things be forgotten, let little details or accidents change everything, distribute wins and losses unevenly, break off story lines, introduce new events totally out of the blue, just like in real life - but then you don't get a plot for a children's story; you get an adult drama.
Perhaps the whole movie was tragically mismarketed? Perhaps it was supposed to be a soft-core Tideland, but the whole magical land concept got over-sweetened and school life sequences turned it too much into a children's story which it initially wasn't to be?
All in all, if you want to expose your kid to deceivingly lighthearted but actually serious drama, it's your call, but the life lessons given by this movie are not very good ones. And if you want to see a fairytale, stay away from this booby trap of a movie.
Dog Soldiers (2002)
Fun, but hardly great.
This is the classic example of a movie fun because of its sheer fun factor. The visual effects are mostly very badly done and consist of dozens of "hairy clawed arm sticking out from a hole in the wall" type shots, the "villains" prosthetics are clichéd through the roof, blood spatters around like ketchup from a bottle someone stepped on, tension and possible scare points are so typically placed that an avid horror fan could well guess them in advance... So, if not for the "other ingredients", the movie would be a very, very bad example of how a horror movie should not be done.
And yet, this movie manages to somehow redeem itself... with true, classic, flawless British humour. There are multiple crowd-laughing-in-fits one-liners and numerous comic scenes almost bordering on slapstick. This movie is not a comedy, mind you, and yet these points add some undeniable flavour to the overall experience. How about newspaper cutouts reporting the movie story on the ending credits? Or, a character valiantly nailing a door shut, interrupted by a supposedly scary clawed arm entering through the mail hole, never breaking his hammering pace and just moving to bang on the arm instead of the nails? Oh, oh, and how about Matrix or Star Trek references?
All in all - if you expect a good, scary werewolf horror movie, get "The Wolf". If you want a shallow teen slasher werewolf movie, get "Cursed". However, if you're out for a movie that may be mediocre, but needs to be well done in the tongue-in-cheek department, for a late night beer-and-popcorn couch session, "Dog Soldiers" is there for you.
Still, I cannot fathom how this movie managed to get such ridiculously high ratings. It's a fun movie, true, but that's all it is - it's not too well acted, its visuals stink, its scenario is laughably bad, it's just "fun" and that's all there is to it. It shouldn't get past 4.5, and yet there it is in the almost-seven zone... One of the mysteries of the universe, I guess.
Numb3rs (2005)
Entertaining and fun, but... fake.
So far all the possible highlights of the show have been commented on multiple times, therefore I'll not cover them again. Instead, I feel I have to emphasize a hard-to-swallow problem with this show: far-fetchedness.
Come on. If the main point of the show is to show maths as a new, fresh, interesting manner of approaching crime-solving - why did it have to insult mathematicians? As much as most "hacker movies" tend to send any even moderately computer-savvy person rolling on the floor laughing (visual programs operated using long sequences of keystrokes instead of a mouse, typing "OVERRIDE" to override a password, hacking depicted as a sequence of random digits accepted one-by-one, absurd internet address formatting, huge data transfers taking seconds instead of hours, tiny data transfers taking seconds or minutes instead of being almost instant, etc, etc) - this show tries to show mathematicians as "number wizards" while the manner mathematics is depicted is often absurd or intentionally obfuscated. Following the old Latin notion, "quidquid latine dictum sit altum videtur", anything said in Latin sounds wise, this show has characters often speak out long wise-sounding sequences of mathematical lingo meaning nothing at all. This is not a direct quote, but think along the lines of "Let's try to use a stochastic algorithm to split the data into discrete subsets, which we will analyze using a probabilistic equation to determine the likelihood of occurrence of the data in the original set", hearing which another character makes a wise nod and everything is clear... Except that what was just said is little more than "we'll try to see if the data appeared in itself", which is plainly silly.
There is a quote of another kind in the quotes list for this show, as I see now (just follow the Memorable Quotes link and search for "Heisenberg"). One character explains the whole Heisenberg electron-locating theory... only to brilliantly point out to the other, that if he was seen by the criminals, they might act upon it - take retaliatory actions or extra effort to conceal their tracks. How something so obvious needed getting poor ol' Heisenberg involved is beyond me.
As much as the CSI series is sometimes criticised for distorting the accuracy of the forensic analysis process, but most of the time keeps it believable even if slightly exaggerated, Numb3rs presents methods either absurdly effective (resulting in perfect guesses using almost no data at all) or involving huge amounts of calculation where the answer is in plain sight requiring a kindergarten-level of deduction.
In other words - watch it if you're treating it lightly and don't try to believe it.
The Descent (2005)
Interesting for the first 15 minutes.
This movie apparently can not decide what type of suspense and/or surprises to throw at the audience - and ends up throwing everything possible in a random sequence, and multiple times. Usually that would mean "you never know what's going to happen" - but not this time, sorry.
For the first several minutes, when the action still starts to build up - after the initial surprise, largely off-the-bat and failing to have any reasonable explanation for such a peculiar chain of events - it is interesting, creepy, claustrophobic, unsettling and even leaving some people that are not very fond of closed spaces a little short of breath. But then? Then the main attraction enters, and from that point the movie goes downwards. Every corner the same surprise. Every over-the-shoulder glance the same surprise. Every flickering of light the same surprise.
See, master Hitchcock brewed up a recipe for a good scary movie - start off with an earthquake and then start building the suspense. This movie's creators took a different turn: start off with pointless gore for a kick start and just keep it steady until the end. Too bad that after some time the constant suspense wears off - more enemies, even more enemies, oh, one more enemy, and how about yet one more for good measure, as in a badly paced video game.
All in all - if a movie has about three or four good jumper scares, but the audience starts chatting during the rest, making funny remarks "where is the next enemy going to jump out from and how will they glare point-blank into the camera lens, as if could be scary twice", it means failure at capturing and holding their attention.
Additionally, beware the Signs syndrome: this movie used most, if not all, of its good shots in the trailers.
Watch it only with a scaredy-cat girl you're trying to pick up, perhaps you'll get a few hugs. But don't count on more. From the movie, that is.
Underworld: Evolution (2006)
Disappointing.
After seeing the first Underworld movie, I thought - okay, not very deep, but nice, moody, playing on the recently popular modern-Gothic-vampire style, well-played and pleasant to watch. From its sequel, I expected nothing less.
Instead of describing the movie, perhaps I'll just describe the reactions of the audience - being fresh after watching Underworld 1, as this was a "marathon" screening. Is the audience supposed to start to giggle when quick and messy shots present a big hairy plush toy being pierced with various weaponry, never zooming out to a full set, as if it was a cheap B-movie? Is the audience expected to cringe in mock "awwww"s when a sex scene begins all of a sudden with no plot buildup leading to it, and start laughing out loud at the ridiculous positions the "lovemaking" actors assumed? Should the audience start yawning at the inside shots of a character's ribcage transformation, repeated two or three times through the movie? Should the audience almost synchronously slap their foreheads at a scene when a human-sized creature pulls a large aircraft down from the sky by just standing on the ground and yanking on a cable dangling from it? Should almost all major fight scenes end in dismemberment of the fallen, until the final "bosses" are literally shredded to pieces, having the audience cheer "shish kabob for dinner"?
See, in fact it was a triple screening: Underworld, Underworld Evolution, and John Carpenter's Vampires. Underworld is a nice modern vampire/werewolf movie with some cheesy fx, JC's Vampires is pure unrestricted B-class cheese... and, lo and behold, Underworld Evolution couldn't be placed better right between the two! Not a good way to go, I'd say.
4/10 - pros: decent acting, well-paced music, nice shots; cons: cliché script, "rubber-monster" special effects, bad creature rendering, unnecessary amounts of gore and nudity, repeated footage.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Terrific, tongue-in-cheek, almost a filmed "Secret of Monkey Island".
I had a tough choice - see an already proven but maybe repetitive "Tomb Raider" movie, or the "Pirates". I decided to try something new, for a change, somewhat prepared for lots of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley yawn romance, just spruced up with a piracy theme.
I couldn't be more wrong.
The moment I saw Jack Sparrow - excuse me: Captain Jack Sparrow - played by Johnny Depp with surprisingly well placed black eyeliner, I knew that this time a secondary character would steal - excuse me: commandeer - the screen. And a heck of a job he did at that!
Of course there's much more. Based on a Disney theme, this movie features most extraordinary swordfighting action which is... precisely timed with the music! Remember the old days when Disney movies had almost every move of every character accentuated by musical instruments? This film takes this technique a step further: it's not only separate instruments, but a wonderful full-blown orchestrated sound track keeping in sync with the clashing swords, jumps, kicks, dodges and parades. Think "Dance Dance Revolution" in swordfighting terms, if you wish.
And, there's more. Crazy dialogue lines, again mostly by Captain Jack Sparrow. Good special effects, featuring a merry skeleton crew (pardon the pun, but I'm surprised they didn't place THIS one in the movie! Or did I miss it?). Hilarious and ridiculous plot twists and quirks, ranging from loading cannons with silverware (fork missiles, anyone?) to sailing on the top of the mast (when the rest of the ship has already sunken).
That it's not very complicated? It doesn't have to, it's a family swashbuckling movie. That it has a happy ending so sappy that it oozes? So what, movies created for simple entertainment have to have happy endings. That it's full of cliches? That's the stinkin' point, ye landlubbers! Avast!
But speaking of Monkey Island in the summary above, for the non-gamers of you, there is a series of games under that title, about the adventures of a would-be pirate with a ridiculous name of Guybrush Threepwood, which alone provided tons of fun as no-one could pronounce it properly. The games are packed to the brim with piracy humour... and if I ever see any of them filmed, I definitely want it done the Black Pearl style.
It's been a long time since the last good pirate movie - which, in my opinion, was Polanski's Pirates - but it'll take even longer than that to top the "Pirates of the Caribbean". Definitely a new standard has been set.