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Twilight (2008)
Not a very good film for adults. Teenage girls might like it.
Oh, to be a teenager again. I have to assume that this is the market for this film. The problem is, I ain't a teenager. This is the love story between a vampire boy and a human girl, and I imagine that if I were a 16 year old girl, I would love this. As it stands, I'm not, and I didn't. This is a ridiculous film that takes itself dead seriously. That's a shame. It could really have done with a sense of fun. I found it dull and boring, and way over-long. The lead actress takes hammy to a new level, but the other performances are adequate, I guess.
It had a few flashes of the better film it could have been, such as when vampire boy's family are on screen. They were all great, and I perked up every time they appeared. Then I settled back down for another thirty minute stretch of endless dialogue that goes nowhere. Also, the score was horrific, and the whole production felt amateurish.
The teenage angst is laid on, super thick. These characters are in PAIN! Oh, the agony. Compare this to the VASTLY superior recent vampire film "Let the Right One In", and this film is laughably bad. In that film, the characters are lonely and in emotional pain, and this is expressed with subtlety. This film hits you over the head. It's overwritten and bland. And I hate to say this, but the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer did everything this film does, and they did it way better, and ten years ago. Some scenes were actually directly lifted from very prominent episodes of that show.
And I'm no hater of this franchise. I've never read any of the books, and I actually really wanted to enjoy this film. It was even my idea! My significant other didn't want to see it, but I talked her into it. I should have listened. I honestly can't work out how any adult could be entertained by this. Bland, boring, and it's been done. I wanted a fun, maybe slightly cheesy, epic love story kind of thing, and I got a sullen, depressing, boring slog. They didn't skimp on the cheese, though. A real shame, and disappointment. Not a good film.
Cinematic Titanic: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (2008)
Better than the MST3K Episode...
But before I get to that, I think it's important to know where this review is coming from. It's coming from an obsessive MST3K fan of nearly 20 years who owns every single episode on self-made DVDs (Not counting the Rhino releases, which I bought. Support the creators!), and can quote episodes at length. Basically, I am a huge nerd and I know what I'm talking about.
I was worried to hear that Joel and his new (old?) crew were revisiting this classic, as I thought every joke that could be made about this material had been made. This seemed to be a recipe for lameness, and frankly, it seemed to me that Joel was just desperate to get the MSTies on board the Cinematic Titanic. How wrong I was. This CT release is excellent, and it stands on it's own merits. As I said, better than the original. Only just. But the riffs fly fast, they are completely on target, and they don't repeat a single joke from the MST3K episode. Even when I wanted them to. I know the original so well that I can hear the 'bots in my head, and I have to admit that there were times of silence where the CT crew had no joke to make, because MST3K nailed it perfectly the first time. In these moments of silence, my memory filled in the blanks.
As I said, the jokes are fast and funny, and it's great to see some current references in there. The funniest being an internet meme that shows up when Kimar attacks Dropo with the "Tickle Ray". The joke that was there before, "Stop! I can't fake-laugh anymore!" Has been replaced with what I thought was the funniest joke of the show.
It's also interesting to see the entire unedited film, even if it is staggeringly awful. The "Chochum" sequence is greatly extended, and it's so painful. Really deep hurting. But they make the best of it, and they turn pain to laughter, much like the magic of Santa Claus.
On a side note, Mary Jo really shines in this episode. Her laid back, almost disinterested delivery is perfect, and it's really great to hear her riffing. She has some of the best jokes of the episode. I'll be especially looking forward to her contributions in the future.
All in all, a stellar release. The MST3K version is required Christmas watching in my home, and has been for nearly 10 years.
And it has just been replaced with this version.
Great job, guys.