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The Virgin Suicides (1999)
Very disappointed
When I heard about this film I thought there's a good chance it could be well worth watching, with some good reviews and being the same director (Sofia Coppola) as for a film of which I did enjoy, Lost In Translation. However, when the film came to an end all I felt was disappointment.
Before I go into what I didn't like, I'll get the positives out the way. I DID like the soundtrack, I thought it suited the mood of the film, and the acting was mostly acceptable (apart from a few scenes, such as Kathleen Turner's pathetic reaction to seeing her youngest daughter's suicide). The cinematography was fine.. and that's it.
Now on to why I felt the film was such a let down. The biggest problem for me was that there was absolutely no way I could become emotionally connected to ANY of the characters on screen. None of the individuals were focused on in enough detail for me to care what happened to them. I couldn't feel sorry for any of the girls that ended their lives because, apart from the one played by Kirsten Dunst, we hardly saw any of them. They had very few lines and like all the other characters there was no development of who they were. Furthermore, when their youngest sister ended her life, none of them seemed to care. They just seemed to get on with their lives as if nothing had changed.
I couldn't care less what happened to the boys either. By "the boys" I mean the one's that hardly ever spoke to the girls and yet seemed mystified and infatuated with them, not the one's who went on a date with them and then strangely lost interest forever.
I didn't really understand why they had to try and 'put the pieces' together to explain the suicides of the girls, who were clearly just unhappy from obsessive and overly-strict parenting, although you would only be able to tell this from the actual suicides, as they show very little emotion throughout. It also seems strange that Kirsten Dunsts' character could sleep with multiple men on the roof without her mother realising, and yet she couldn't simply walk out the front door (the same door that these men surely entered through?). Although this doesn't make me feel sorry for her, because all I know is a name and a face, nothing more.
I couldn't sympathise with the parents either. The mother seemed unrealistically strict, while the father's character, played by James Woods, was wasted. He was rarely shown and really didn't have much of a part to play in the film.
The ending was extremely poor in my opinion as well. I was confused as to why the girls deemed it necessary to lure the boys - of whom they rarely ever spoke to - to their house, just as they all ended their lives. Following this, the neighbourhood doesn't really care what happens, which projects onto the audience. Why should we care when hardly any of the characters care about each other? And then as I explained above, there was no reason for the boys to be unable to explain why it happened. It's simple for all of us to see it, so why can't they? And that's all the 'mystery' blown out of the film. Besides, I thought that in the film the neighbours labelled this event as the start of negativity in the neighbourhood.. but apparently they didn't actually care.
I didn't find The Virgin Suicides to be all that well written either, which is why I'm unable to share any memorable quotes.. because none of them are memorable. This film just generally has very little to offer.
So eventually I was left asking myself why did I watch this? And the only reason I could come up with is that I hate not watching a film fully, because it's unfair. It's certainly not a film I'll ever voluntarily watch again though.
The Bone Collector (1999)
Massively underwhelming
With a name like the Bone Collector and the killer's trademark being taking a bone from his victims you'd think this 'interesting' plot would all tie in together to create an exciting finale. But even with Denzel Washington leading the way this is so far from what actually happens. This "thriller" isn't thrilling at all.
To start off with, Angelina Jolie's character is used to collect forensic evidence throughout the film, despite being unexperienced, but for serious murder cases you'd think they'd go for an expert rather than use the situation as training. Guided by a paraplegic detective (Denzel) they have to solve a series of murders by someone using the signature described above. Later on in the film it seems that the murderer is copying all of his acts from a book, down to the finest detail for each. With all this build-up I was there hoping it would lead to something that would actually make this film memorable for a good reason.
However, the ending is such a massive disappointment, involving someone you only saw once in the film. He reveals his reasons for the murders which all in all makes the vast majority of the rest of the movie utterly utterly pointless. The whole "bone collector" persona was crap. All it did was link the murders, nothing more. The ending is just pasted on to a fairly dull and unrelated storyline, which is so far from thrilling. The murderer is simply looking for revenge on Denzel, so why does he go through all this extra effort of murdering innocent people when he could simply walk into this guys room and kill him? I've heard people say he wanted to make him suffer, but he's already paralysed and was soon wanting to end his life, so that simply doesn't make sense. He even fails at killing him in the end with the unbelievably predictable scenario in which Jolie saves the day in the nick of time with a gunshot just before Denzel would have been killed.
There's much much more but I'm already disappointed that I've gone through the whole ending. It's the only way I can truly explain just why I found it so immensely poor though.
Much of this film is either pointless or doesn't make sense. You want a real thriller? See a film like Se7en. Don't see this.
Lik wong (1991)
Absolute classic
This really is another one of those films that you really can't praise for being well made but really have to watch for being so funny. However, as many have already stated, if you're not one for gore then this would probably be the worst film you've ever seen, especially with scenes such as a man strangling another with his own intestines.
The story follows Riki in a maximum security prison with various odd characters, many of whom for some strange reasons possess different skills and superpowers. After Riki seemingly becomes deeply attached to every single weak character that he comes into contact to he is distraught when for some reason or another they die. This makes many of the people who are in charge of the jail dislike him, making his struggle for survival an uphill task.. even though he has super-human strength and can break through many of the prison walls.
But that doesn't ACTUALLY matter seeing as throughout the film the other little prisoners wander around and follow all the fight scenes without any supervision. At one point you actually see prisoners slide open their own cells! So much for 'maximum security'. Along with that you get a variety of stupidly pointless rooms such as one that fills up with cement and some terrible attempts at stopping/killing Riki such as chaining him up over and over even though every time he manages to break free. Very little makes sense in this film.
I don't want to drag on for much longer because there's so much to say. All I'll say is something else to look out for is the Warden's son. He's just such a hilariously pointless character. See this film for yourself, you won't regret it.
Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009)
Terrible, but a must-see
Nothing makes sense in this film. All throughout you'll be asking yourself questions such as "why can the shark barely catch up with that tiny submarine when earlier they said it was going at 500 knots?" and "why do the shark and the octopus keep eating boats and bridges? Surely that's not healthy?". That's just a taste of what's to come, along with a poor script, some excellent examples of awful acting and the constant use of a strangely distorted webcam (it's the military, you'd think they could afford good communication).
Put simply, if you're looking for a well-made film, don't watch this, but if you're looking for a laugh then this is for you. Try to stay focused on the dialogue during a certain scene made up of ridiculous facial expressions though, because I couldn't!
Neco z Alenky (1988)
Extremely unenjoyable
Rather than enjoy this film I could only endure it. And was extremely glad to see the end. I might as well get through what I DID find positive which is simply how well made this film is. The stop-motion technique is perfected by Jan Svankmajer. Right, now that's out of the way..
I just don't understand why this film is so inaccessible. The sound is what I found to be the most irritating aspect, with every single action in the film being accompanied by a massively exaggerated (and LOUD) noise. As many others have mentioned the voice-over of 'said the white rabbit' also contributes to making this film ridiculously annoying.
Away from the sound issue I just find this film stupidly pointless. You can make a film using stop-motion/surrealist techniques that is enjoyable, I'm sure, but clearly Svankmajer hasn't attempted this. There's nothing that could draw me in to watch this again. It drones on and on with the main character of Alice being someone you really can't connect with, making me wish it was actually an unhappy ending for her. While I'm not saying don't watch this film, because it certainly divides opinions from surrealist film fans, it's comfortably one of the worst I've ever had to sit through.
Julien Donkey-Boy (1999)
Probably the worst film I've ever seen.
When I think of the world of cinema, I understand that while most films are designed to entertainment or inform, others focus more on the artistic side. However, when watching Julien Donkey-Boy, all I see is an extremely dull mess, which is far from entertaining and something I'd rather label pointless than artistic. While some of what we see may be to show the world through Julien's eyes, there's so much that really doesn't seem to make any kind of statement or prove any sort of point. One of the best examples has to be a few shots of a masturbating nun.. why? It just seems like Korine is trying to add controversy for the sake of it.
And while I don't mind films that don't have a steadily progressing narrative, seeing scene after scene of awful "artistic" cinematic techniques, such as using jump-cuts and slashed up sound (thus making scenes impossible to understand..), isn't something I enjoy.
It was extremely difficult to come up with any positives.. but I have to admit that the acting is superb. Werner Herzog in particular can be very funny at times. However these are the only redeeming features in an otherwise shockingly poor film.
While I don't regret watching Julien Donkey-Boy, as I'm open to all kinds of cinema (even after watching this..), it's certainly something I will never watch again, nor recommend to a friend, and I hope I never have to endure another film that's even nearly as bad. If you want a good Dogme film, go see Festen.
Walk the Line (2005)
Fantastic
I've seriously watched this film 10 times now and I'm still not tired of it. It's a brilliant and mostly accurate portrayal of the life of Johnny Cash. It's such a shame that he wasn't alive to see it. I know many people who strangely had never heard of Johnny Cash before who managed to thoroughly enjoy this film, so even if you're not a fan I'm sure you'll love it.
Most people agree, even those who rate the film negatively, that the acting is superb. The stand out performances are obviously of the two key actors, Joaquin Phoenix and Reece Witherspoon. I was sceptical when I learned beforehand that they did all their own music but I was extremely pleased with the outcome. All the vocal training they did clearly paid off, with both actors sounding like the people they represented. Their on-stage duets are a joy to watch and hear, but it's not just about the voices and the music though. The dense chemistry between them combined with their ongoing stories of troubled love means that it's very difficult not to become connected to them.
Every other aspect of this film is beautifully done and the acting alone cannot be given all the praise though. It's a shame that I only saw it at home and never in the cinema, but it's still an excellent experience. Being a huge Johnny Cash fan combined with just how good this film is has made it my absolute favourite. I doubt many others would rate it as their number one film, but I'm sure most people who've seen it will rate it very highly and would be tempted to see it again.
Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Hilariously poor
Everything about this film is exceptionally poor, which is the reason you should see it. It took about twice the length of this film to watch it because my friends and I were rewinding it so much to see parts again and again. It has everything, including pointless scenes, terrible acting, stock footage, dub-overs and a shocking script. Very little in the film makes sense while the idea of continuity was obviously ignored. It's hard to tell whether anyone who was involved in making this film actually tried.
You simply can't get connected to any of the characters so it's quite brilliant if the shark swallows them whole (it doesn't seem to chew most of the time). Things to look out for are obviously "that line", a truly legendary actor who plays the security guard named Todd and some amazing stock footage that doesn't match what's happening at all. There's plenty more though, the film is constant comedy.
Overall, it's a shame that I haven't yet found a film so bad yet so funny. See this film and you'll be talking about it for months after.