Change Your Image
kcwells
Reviews
Forbidden Secrets (2001)
Totally and amazingly weird show...
I was flipping through the channels the other night when I stumbled upon this show. I couldn't stop laughing, even though there is nothing joke-related about it. This show is one of the strangest things I've seen put on television. It is almost a cross between Martha Sewart and Real TV. It is called "Forbidden Secrets" because most of the show is based about revealing information, but the information "revealed" is so random that it is hilarious. In the episode I watched, they "revealed" everything from helpful tips about what to pack on a vacation and a recipe for some sort of chicken dinner to a detailed look into the underground bomb shelter built for the president and an expose on Bigfoot! Before every commercial break they ask a question about some random, completely useless bit of information (like "Why are the majority of houses in the United States painted white? Find out, when Forbidden Secrets returns"), the answer to which they reveal after the break. Plus, between each segment they cut to this clip of some model-looking woman's face half hidden behind white silk who whispers "Forbidden... Secrets" in a British accent. And to top it all off, Lee Majors is the host! Ah, I loved it and couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous it all was.
A Guy Thing (2003)
don't be fooled by bad reviews, this movie is fun, silly, and entertaining
I just watched this movie for the first time and decided to check out what others thought. I was SOMEWHAT surprised by the 5.3 user rating (what it is at the time I'm writing this), but I was even more surprised by the number of awful reviews people have written for it! Seriously, at least half of them on here are ones saying it is "the worst movie" or some nonsense like that. That is highly untrue. Granted, as with almost every other romantic comedy bar a select few, the plot of this movie isn't the most original ever written. However, this movie is quite fun and entertaining. It was silly and cute, and made me laugh a lot. The acting is all pretty decent, and Jason Lee does an excellent job in his role. I'm not saying this is the best movie ever invented, but it was definitely a fun, cute, funny and entertaining movie that I would recommend to anyone in need of an hour and forty minutes of entertainment. The only thing I hate about the plot (and other movies like this) is that the innocent fiance gets mildly screwed over. I hate when that happens in movies. Poor girl. Haha, anyway, rent this movie for a laugh and a fun time. Enjoy! 6.5/10, 7/10 maybe
Alien Cargo (1999)
pretty decent, under-rated sci-fi movie
I just watched this movie again, this time on the Sci-Fi channel, and I came on here to see what others thought. Frankly, I'm surprised it has such a low rating on here. It's certainly not flawless, but I think it's actually pretty darn good. There really wasn't anything BAD about it, either--nothing really to complain about at all. The acting was all pretty well done; perhaps not Oscar-winning, but not unbelievable at all. The plot, dialogue, and story all made sense too. The special effects--though there weren't really much of these to comment on--were all better than you'd expect for a movie you'd see on TV, and even the prop corpses looked reasonably as you'd expect them to look. I was impressed at how logical they made it all: the way the cargo system on the ship worked, the way the ship computer interacted with them, the way they moved around outside the ship (it didn't look like they were on strings when they were slightly hovering around), the way they realistically handled all of the situations, everything. Seriously, this movie isn't bad at all. It's certainly not the MOST creative or original movie out there, but I really don't understand why anyone would give it a 4.8/10 (which is the user rating on here at the time of me writing this). Although I would find it hard for someone to say this is their FAVORITE movie, it certainly shouldn't get anything lower than a 6. Personally, I'm giving it a 7. It's entertaining, pretty well acted and written, and it doesn't contain any gratuitous gore, nudity, or foul language either to bring down its quality level. Heck, it's even thought-provoking. *shrugs* I like it, and if you like sci-fi movies (or even if you don't), I bet you'd probably like it too. Don't let the abnormally low user rating scare you, this is a good movie. Oh, and it's not a creature flick either--there are no monsters or aliens or anything to make it hokey. It's a pretty good movie, try it out for yourself.
Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)
One of the most blatantly bad movies I've ever seen.
*** Warning - this review contains "plot spoilers," though nothing could "spoil" this movie any more than it already is. It really IS that bad. ***
Before I begin, I'd like to let everyone know that this definitely is one of those so-incredibly-bad-that-you-fall-over-laughing movies. If you're in a lighthearted mood and need a very hearty laugh, this is the movie for you. Now without further ado, my review:
This movie was found in a bargain bin at Wal-Mart. That should be the first clue as to how good of a movie it is. Secondly, it stars the lame action-star Dolph Lundgren. That should be the second clue as to how good of a movie it is. I'm still shocked that it was even put on DVD (who would waste their money doing such a thing?), though as you might imagine, there aren't any extras or bonus footage on the DVD. In fact, there's not even a menu; the movie just starts playing.
First, the writer for this movie deserves to be tortured and killed. It has one of the worst scripts ever written and is plagued with terrible one-liners; remarkably unbelievable, fake dialogue; and inappropriate comments (like Lee's comment on Lundgren's. err. manhood, which I'll mention later). There isn't one single sincere sounding line in the entire movie. The dialogue and plot go hand-in-hand, as the script and plot both progress in an entirely nonsensical fashion. The two cops hate each other for no apparent reason at the beginning, and then for again no reason at all, Lee's character pulls over to the side of the road, runs around to the other side of the car, and says `I'm not going to let you go alone, 'cause despite myself, I like you! And I don't want to see you get killed!' . or something to that extent, anyhow. There are disgusting one-liners, mostly said by Lee. For instance, when duking it out with a bad guy, Lee says `You have the right to remain silent . You have the right to be dead!' Lastly, I'll mention the entirely inappropriate and nonsensical comment that Lee makes about Lundgren's nether-regions. When bad guys start to attack after a seemingly random love scene between Lundgren and Carrere, and Lundgren decides to fight them off in his underwear, Lee says to him: `Incase we die, I just wanted to let you know that you have the biggest dick I've ever seen on a guy.' . Yes, he actually says that. It makes no sense and isn't even possible (Lee never actually sees Lundgren naked, so how would he know?), but the writer threw it in the script anyway. The entire movie looks like some kind of action video game, and Lee even admits it. After Lee and the underwear-only Lundgren defeat all of those bad guys, Lee makes a comment that is also truly beautiful: `Wow, this is sort of like a video game; we just defeated the first wave!'
Second, the plot of this movie is despicable. It suffers, in my opinion, mainly from the fact that it just doesn't exist. The trailer for this movie - which IMDb has available for viewing, by the way - makes it sound like the movie is about two cops trying to stop the Japanese Yakuza from taking over Lost Angeles. This is extremely misleading, however, since the movie has practically nothing to do with that at all. They make very brief, vague references to the Yakuza trying to start up a methamphetamine business with local drug dealers, but the entire movie ACTUALLY revolves around a poorly-written attempt for Kenner (Lundgren's character) to revenge the death of his parents, whom the Yakuza leader (named Yoshida) killed when he was only 9 years old. The entire plot can basically be summed up like this: Yoshida wants Kenner dead, Kenner wants Yoshida dead, and the two try two kill each other. And of course all the while Kenner's sarcastic sidekick (named Johnny and played by Brandon Lee) acts like an ignorant idiot, and Tia Carrere gets naked. twice.
The acting is one of the worst parts of the entire movie. The dialogue is so unrealistic, and their entirely insincere portrayal of it emphasizes this even more. You'd expect poor acting from action stars anyway, but this movie highlights some of the most unimaginably bad acting ever recorded.
Finally we get to the heart of the movie's baseness: the flagrantly bad action. There are so many astoundingly bad, unrealistic action sequences in this movie, it's just downright impressive they managed to fit them all in. Although Lee has his fair share of bad scenes as well, most of the truly terrible action involves Lundgren. For instance, Lundgren nonchalantly takes on four or five kung fu bad guys one-handed, without spilling his tea. Then, when surprised by an oncoming speeding car, Lundgren casually leaps over it. Or how about when he reaches THROUGH a closed door, grabs the villain on the other side, pulls him back through the door, and beats him up? Or when he picks up Tia Carrere, gently walks (not runs) backward through a glass door that shatters around him, and leaps down a one-story height with Tia still in arm, only to then lift up an entire car without the slightest effort and uses it as a barricade to shield them from bullets? All of the shameless gunfights are terrible as well, with Lundgren and Lee killing every bad guy instantaneously, while the rain of bullets from their fifty attackers never seem to hit either of them. That is, of course, until the final fight scene of the movie. Lundgren gets shot point blank in his bare chest in a region that even if it did manage to miss his heart, would still immediately begin to fill lungs with blood and kill him within a matter of seconds. Despite this, Lundgren remains in top-notch condition and manages to duke it out in the middle of a parade with Yoshida, the evil super villain. And of course the passing people in the parade dressed as samurai are carrying REAL, fully sharpened katanas, which the two use to sword fight. Now in addition to his bullet wound, Lundgren gets several deep slices in his chest and arms. Does this stop him? No, of course not! In fact, a few seconds later after easily killing the evil Yoshida (who gets pinned to a dartboard-like wheel and then bursts into flames for no reason), Lundgren casually walks off with Tia and Lee as if he wasn't injured at all. God, it's terrible.
All of these factors are then mixed up with an entirely unnecessary, gratuitous nude scene every five minutes, including topless women at a party, the beheading of a topless woman, women at a strip club, nude women at a Japanese spa, and the pointless hot tub and love scene with Tia. Not to mention the trip to the bizarre sushi bar, at which rich Japanese men are eating sushi off of naked women. Which, by the way, prompts Lee to say with much fake enthusiasm that after defeating the bad guys he and Lundgren will `go eat fish off those naked chicks!' Which, of course, is followed by a disturbing high five. And we can't forget the terrible editing either, like when the villains are crushing a man trapped in a car at a junk yard, and the editors left in a really obvious glimpse of a prop dummy. The credits also list an enormous list of stunt workers, which implies that a lot of the action probably wasn't done by the movie stars after all.
In the end, this movie repeatedly outdoes it self with brazen badness. It is illogical and impossible, and as a result, remarkably entertaining. If you're looking for any kind of thoughtful cinema, this movie will make you want to die. If you're looking for a good laugh and a good time mocking bad movie making, this movie will delight you. As an actual movie, I'll merit this movie a 0.5 out of 10. As an entertaining way to waste an hour and eighteen minutes, however, this beauty takes the cake.
Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
beautifully crap... honest...
ok ok, i know several other people have mentioned that this movie is horribly illogical... but everyone seems to forget one very important and obvious proof of this. ok, here's the scene. seagal is standing somewhere on the outside of the train, between two different cars. one of the terrorists, a sniper lady, gets out a sniper gun with a scope, aims, and shoots seagal in the heart. you watch him get shot... he falls over, like any dead guy would, and falls between the two cars, assumably getting run over.... but is he dead? no. worse off, is he shot? no! ok, so somehow he manages to hang onto the bottom of the train, get back up, appear back inside one of the train cars, and is now talking to the black guy person... and this is where the worste part comes in. the black guy (who is DEFINATELY the "token black guy" in the movie) mentions to seagal that he just saw him get shot, seagal points to where the bullet hit him, and actually says "you see this? no bullet went in this"... and for the entire rest of the movie, they just completely ignore the fact that he was shot... i suppose you just have to accept the fact that he's... umm... bulletproof? yeah, that's it......... oh oh, there's another really bad scene that nobody else has mentioned. ok, so the train is going along the side of a big cliff... somehow seagal manages to find himself hanging off the side of this cliff. well of course that happens, every action star has to have a scene where he's hanging by his finger tips off the sid of a cliff.. duh... but ok, so they stop the train and send guys out to get him. one of the guy magically has rock climbing propelling equimpent, hooks up a rope, and propells himself over the side of the cliff down towards seagal. seagal again is hanging entirely by his finger tips, and appears to be struggling not to fall. however, whenever this nice guy with the rope comes down to kill him, suddenly seagal apparently is able to defy gravity. he takes one of his hands off the cliff, turns entirely around (somehow) and starts to talk to the guy... picture it... he's hanging there, facing away from the cliff, hanging on by only the finger tips of one hand... and it doesnt even look like he's hanging on with that hand. he just looks like he's standing there, leaning up against a wall or something... but last time i checked, it's pretty hard to stand on AIR. anyways, using that one mighty hand of his, he pushes up off the cliff and lunges towards the guy on the rope... when's the last time you had the strength in one arm (that you're using to barely hang on to the side of a cliff, mind you) to just launch yourself 10 feet towards a guy on a rope? oh yeah, i forgot. you're not an action hero... ok ok ok, i know i said i'd only rant about one at the beginning and i've already mentioned two, but there is a third i just have to mention. which one? the whole making-a-bomb scene. at one point he walks into one of the train cars, which for some reason is stocked with food items (it's NOT the kitchen), and starts fiddling around with stuff. since there is no logical explination for what he's doing, he decides to explain it himself. he turns to the camera and says "oh, so you want to know what i'm doing? i'm making a bomb"... and with that, he takes a scoop of what appears to be either crisco, ice cream or something of that sort and some ice cubes, and mixes it all up in one of those bar tender drink mixer things... he straps his beeper onto the side (which somehow works as a timer? maybe?) and declares it now a bomb. well, it explodes alright, so i guess he was right. anyway, now he casually walks into the main room where all the bad guys are, throws it in, and it explodes... now mind you, all of the fancy equipment that the bad guys were using to try and blow up things was in that room... and he just threw a bomb in there... now despite the fact that all of the equipment assumably just got blown up (and you actually see it on fire), it is in perfect condition later on, and working perfectly fine... hmm, maybe they had a few more lying around in storage just in case.... of course there is the really bad scene that was already mentioned where he runs faster than a 200mph train crash... but that's beside the point... of course there are all of the other things about this movie that just p*** me off... like how his little Apple palm-pilot dohicky has to wait 30 seconds before it can redial... why? because Apple likes to add suspense to everything. argh. ok, ok, i'll stop complaining about specific scenes and just give you all a summary. the movie was terrible. the acting was horrible, though what else would you suspect from steven seagal? i swear its in his contract to act poorly or something. the story plot was extremely predictable.. well, as long as you think seagal is invincable.. otherwise you'd have predicted his death many times throughout the movie (especialy when he got shot! agh!) but yeah... this movie is only worth watching if you're the type of person who enjoys laughing at how increadably bad a movie is.. and even then, it's still pretty terrible... i'd give it... 0.25 stars as a movie over all... but i'll add two to that just for making me laugh at how stupid it was... but then i have to subtract 1.5 just for p***ing me off.. overall? 0.75 stars out of 10. hey, thats pretty good for this movie...