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The Substance (2024)
Need More Like This
I really, really appreciate how hard this movie goes for it. I realize it's not the recipe for massive commercial success, but I am thankful that there are filmmakers who are willing to pile on the crazy. And what's great about The Substance is that it starts off wild, but still continues to build. The final sequences go further off the rails than anything I've seen since Malignant, so they didn't run out of steam too early. I did have a problem with some parts of this story; I thought it was a bit padded, for one. There were definitely moments that went on too long. Also, there was a scene when the main character, Elisabeth, is angrily doing things with food that felt to me like it wasn't quite hitting the right tone. I also didn't like anything about how Dennis Quaid's character was filmed or presented, but I am sure I will be in the minority on that one. I realize that the film had a very over-the-top tone to it, but that doesn't mean that every wacky thing will work. Quaid just kept reminding me too much of Sean Hayes' character in Cat In The Hat. But those are just my nitpicks; the bottom line is that I will recommend this to most people I know, and I will try to get them to watch it with me as soon as I can. So I am thankful that we got a movie this year that can rank up there with Alucarda for off-the-rails lunacy.
Speak No Evil (2024)
I wasn't into it
I feel like I would not have enjoyed this movie even if I hadn't seen the original version first. The 2022 Dutch/Danish film was a slower-than-slow burn, but it took me on a journey I hadn't been on before. This English language remake is just predictable formula from start to finish. James McAvoy is one of my biggest favorites, but I just didn't feel like this role required much from him. To me, the first two acts didn't really build much interest or tension. Then, the story jumps into a Hollywood climax that feels like every thriller every made. This version didn't have any of the impact that the first one had for me. I am probably in the minority, because I think most people who watch this 2024 Speak No Evil will say they enjoy it. I wish I could too, but I just didn't think there was anything special about it.
The Well (2023)
Lower Your Expectations
I didn't know anything about The Well before watching. I expected a very low-effort, straight-to-streaming horror movie that would be instantly forgettable. As it turned out, I was surprised at how much this film had going on.
First of all, I thought the story was plotted better than the average direct-to-video dissapointment. It mostly follows the main character, Lisa, who has a difficult task to complete. She's basically being haunted while staying in a mansion where she has an important job to finish. Even though she has some distressing experiences, we are given a good reason why she can't just up and leave. The movie also cuts back and forth between another set of characters who are being held captive, and for most of the movie, I was worried that the two plotlines might not fully interesect. However, everything eventually ties together, and we get a full resolution to all of the different elements that the movie introduced. That doesn't always happen in low-budget films. However, just because we aren't left hanging doesn't mean the story is necessarily all that great. I think a better director could have made something people would remember and tell others about. Even so, The Well is worth a watch if you're in the mood for a briskly paced supernatural horror film--as long as you aren't expecting anything above average.
In a Violent Nature (2024)
Not much of a story
This movie follows a killer around as he walks around. When he comes upon a person, he kills them. A couple of the kills are pretty unique. There isn't much story to it. You do learn a little bit about this character, but he never speaks. A lot of the film has no dialog as the killer walks in real time from one location to another. By showing the action from the point of view of the killer, it removes a lot of the tension from what would otherwise be a typical slasher film. There is a sequence at the end of the movie where the POV switches to a woman who escapes the killer, and that part of the movie then because very anxious. I thought it was worth watching, but nothing I would give more than a mild recommendation.
Sex-Positive (2024)
As unfunny as a movie could ever be
Don't ever seek this film out. Don't finish reading my review. Navigate away from this part of the internet and move on to something else.
This has to be one of the worst written pieces of media I have ever seen. Ever. In my entire life. This is on par with Busted, which was a movie directed by Corey Feldman--in fact, both movies play out like there only made so that someone could have an excuse to get a lot of people naked.
Sex-Positive--a title that doesn't actually need to be hypenated--is a comedy that never remotely approaches having a single moment of genuine humor. Sometimes when a script is so bad, I will complain that it seems like it was written by a middle school student. This movie makes me take back every other instance that I've ever made that allegation, because even the worst pieces of soggy garbage feel sophisticated compared to this. It is one of those movies where NONE of the characters behave at all like actual people. Every technical aspect of the film is distractingly inept, from the insipid compositions to the amateurish audio, right down to the unlistenable score.
On top of all that, this movie also somehow feels like it was made in 1995--and not in a good way. Unless Anarchy TV was your favorite movie of all time. I'm also going to toss in a really low blow and point out that the cast is probably one of the most unappealing groups of people that has ever been filmed, with the exception of Katherine Ellis. As a person who has shown that they can actually be entertaining, it's really too bad that she agreed to be in this movie. If she had written her own story, it would no doubt by light years better than this.
To finish, please re-read the first paragraph of this review.
The Crow (2024)
I wanted to like it
I am one of the fans of the original Crow who doesn't immediately hate any effort to bring back the franchise. When I hear that someone is working on a new version, I get hopeful. I don't know why I keep doing that to myself.
The bottom line is that this is not a well-written story. I don't care if any of the technical aspects turned out well. I don't care if there were some good performances. I'm not zeroing in on the score or the cinematography. This assignment was pass/fail, and they gave us an enourmous, pear-shaped suckfest. Did they get the tone wrong? I don't give a rat's. Did they write interesting characters? Blow it out your rear. This was a total waste. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't try another Crow movie again until I'm too old to enjoy anything except archived episodes of The Prarie Home Companion. Thanks for nothing, dinglefritz.
Just Before Dawn (1981)
First documented use of The Mandible Claw
Slasher movies from the early 80s are not exactly known for their masterful storytelling. Even so, I would say Just Before Dawn has even less reason to recommend it than than the average effort. Either because of nostalgia, or the woodsy setting, some reviewers are fond of this film. I did not care for it. I did not experience the sense of "atmosphere" that others have noted. Usually, a backwoods setting goes a long way towards elevating an otherwise average effort; for example, the movie Gator Bait had the swampy Everglades backdrop to keep things visually engaging. This movie just felt dull and uninspired. Some young campers settle into the one spot in the state where danger is unavoidable, and blandly go through the motions of ignoring all the warning signs until it's too late. Everything is drawn out for maximum boredom as we wait endlessly for something to happen. We spend so much time with these uninteresting people frolicking in the least interesting ways, that I couldn't help but not care by the time the generic murderers made their move. The one thing I will remember about this movie is that Mick Foley's finishing manuever was used on film decades before he popularized it. However, I doubt I will be able to tell you the title of the film I saw it in by next month. I will not watch it again, and I do not recommend it to anyone looking for an entertaining horror movie.
Blackwater Lane (2024)
Amazing Accomplishment
This breathtaking new film from director Jeff Celantio needs to be on everyone's "must watch" list. You will remember Mr. Celantivo from his previous work such as Moscow Mule and Under The Half Moon. Well, he has drawn upon all his experience and worked from a script adapted by Elizabeth Flower and B. A. Madrid to deliver his greatest accomplishment yet: BLACKWATER LANE. It tells the story of a graceful, refined woman named Cass who wants nothing more than to finish her criminal justice degree--just as soon as she finishes overseeing renovations to the beautiful home she shares with her husband, Matthew. There are many conflicts woven throughout this narrative, some of which stem from the relationship she had with her recently deceased mother. Luckily, she has her close friend, Rachel to help her with lesson planning and classroom management.
One of the greatest strengths of this story is the sense of realism that pours out of every frame. Thanks to the contributions of crew members like Ana Izquierdo, this is a movie you will remember the rest of your life. And it is one that Academy members are sure to remember next awards season when they will no doubt recognize Ana Izquierdo for the incredible effort she put into this timeless treasure. Do NOT miss BLACKWATER LANE; your friends will be wanting it to discuss for weeks afterwards!!!
Busted (1997)
Hateful and Sickening
There can't possibly be another comedy film less entertaining than this one. You can not even categorize Busted with regular movies. The only thing it deserves to be compared to are Nintendo character fetish animations made by lonely boys living with their parents, all of whom are more capable of creative thought than Corey Feldman will ever be. Most of Busted plays out like an adult film from a bygone era. Feldman seems to have put in just enough effort to convince some women that an actual movie was being shot so that he can stage as many sex scenes with them as possible. And don't tell me it turned out this bad because everyone was on drugs. Oasis filled their themselves with as many substances as a human body can contain, and they still finished entire albums that don't sound like all they did was hit their private parts up against their guitars. Busted is the film equivelant of Corey Feldman making an album by hitting his private parts up against his guitar. Which is pretty much what his playing still sounds like today in 2024.
Longlegs (2024)
Creepy and well made
On one hand, the way this movie ended made me really mad. In terms of resovling plot points, I felt like the story needed more explaning. Then again, you get to listen to T-Rex as the credits play, so they've got that in their favor.
It's possible that some of the questions I have about this movie were addressed and I just didn't pick up on it, but my feeling is that most viewers will be wondering the same things I am. A lot of times, when a story leaves major details out, it's a signal that the writers just didn't have an idea how to explain what happened. They came up with cool ideas, but instead of deciding how it all adds up, they just film what they have and hope the shiny objects will keep viewers distracted. Longlegs doesn't feel like that. I get the impression that a lot of effort was put into this movie, which makes me trust that the writers knew what they were doing. And knowing everything about what's going on isn't the point of this story, anyways. The movie is very successful at creating a feeling. Maybe you won't be totally scared stiff watching it, but you will probably feel creeped out. And that's more than most movies can claim. So even though I felt like there were things left unresolved, I will still say this is worth seeing. I would have liked it if they could have tied everything all together neatly, but like I said, maybe they did and it will just take some more viewings to realize how.
Monsters: A Bond of Silk (1989)
Watch this one without reading anything about it first
This episode always stuck with me. There isn't much to it; it could have been 10 minutes instead of a half hour episode. Or, it could have had better writing and used that 20-some minutes more economically. When I watch the episode back while already knowing what's coming, it definitely feels like it takes forever to get going. And not only will it test your patience, but every last person who watches this will be rolling their eyes at how foolishly the characters behave. It's the kind of writing where people make the choices the plot needs them to make, not because it's what an actual person would do. But it's still worth watching just to see how it all unfolds. It's simplistic, but it has a payoff that has stuck with me most of my life.
Screen Two: Flowers of the Forest (1996)
Well done episode
I thought this was a very well written episode, and at 90 minutes, would have made a pretty good full length feature. If not for the quality of the film stock, you might not be able to tell this was a tv production. The story moved along at an excellent pace, and nearly every scene moved the plot forward with an interesting development. My only problem was with the way everything was resolved. For as much as we learned about this case, we needed to know more about how each character was affected going forward. I don't know how accurate the details were, not being from the area, so there may have been some subtler points that I didn't pick up on. Still, I would recommend Flowers in the Forest as an entertaining procedural.
Burn After Reading (2008)
Not especially memorable
I enjoyed this movie as I watched it the first time, not having any idea what it was even about. I was just in the mood for the Cohen's brand of humor. My takeaways: Number One, I did think the writing was funny, although it was more of a very subtle, smiling-inside sort of funny. Not really laugh out loud funny. Number Two, when the movie ended and I had seen where everyone ended up, I realized that mostly it was just curiosity that compelled me to stick with it. The characters were well established, the story moved along at a nice pace, and the details of the plot kept me interested. The resolution, however, did not bring me much satsifaction. So this is a story that kind of lets you down in the end--you almost feel like asking "What was the point?" or "Why did I sit through this?" And I know what most people would say--that the movie is making a comment about this or that, and that feeling of dissatisfaction is part of the pont, but it's still not how I wanted to feel from watching a Cohen Brothers comedy. I don't expect to watch it back, and I wouldn't really recommend it, either.
Snack Shack (2024)
Mannheim Steamroller...at the Orpheum???
I want more movies like this. This is what I would call a "Good Story." I put this on in the background to make myself feel like I was multitasking while I worked on other stuff, but this movie demanded my attention. Is Snack Shack just another teen-focused coming of age story about some suburban middle-class kids? Okay, yes, but it's written better than the average teen comedy. In fact, my opinion is that it's written better than 95% of films getting made today. It's fun and irreverant, but it has other things to offer, too--for viewers who are able to connect with it, Snack Shack can take them on an emotional journey. Probably not one they've never been on before, but still. This is one I will watch back multiple times, and my instinct is that I will continue to enjoy it with each viewing.
Atlas (2024)
Nothing Special
I actually decided to watch Atlas because of the reviews that made it seem like this was one of the worst movies of the last few years. Sometimes I just can't help but be curious to see for myself what made people hate something so much. In this case, I think it's mostly just that Jennifer Lopez played the main character. If not for that, I'm guessing some of those reviewers would have rated it as derivative, middle-of-the road sci-fi. Not terrible, but unnecessary and forgettable. Which is accurate. It's written well enough that you can get through it if you don't nitpick. It's also pretty well-paced; things happen often enough that I never completely tuned out, even if I wasn't giving it my full attention. My biggest criticism is that they missed a prime opportunity to get Flight of the Conchords on the soundtrack to update "The Humans Are Dead." Well, that and the fact that they ripped off the ending to Big Hero 6. I have no reason to recommend Atlas to anyone, but I don't think it's a total suckfest either.
Back to Black (2024)
It just can't be done
I think I'm going to only say things about this movie that have been written thousands of times already. It doesn't feel like I'm watching Amy Winehouse AT ALL, and I never felt like there was a moment when I was seeing anything that resembled what actually happened. If you watch the movie with no context, there are things you could probably enjoy--there are some good performances that bring characters to life, and you can probably get caught up in the story. The person they created onscreen IS someone fairly compelling; it just doesn't feel anything like watching Amy. So if you don't mind a work of pure fiction, this might go down fine. Personally, I don't believe Amy is someone you can ever dramatize, and no one else should ever try.
Cade: The Tortured Crossing (2023)
It's torturous all right...
This was my first Neil Breen film. I knew what I was getting into, so I wasn't shocked by how inept it was--I doubt anyone who chooses to watch it would be surprised about that. Most folks who seek this out will be wanting laugh at how bad it turned out. Well, it's hard to imagine a movie could be any worse. The story is so poorly told, it makes The Room look well-structured. The basic plot is simple enough, but the way it unfolds is very hard to follow along with. There are absolutely no filmmaking techniques that will help the viewer understand anything that is happening. And the performances are so poor that unless someone states something implicitly, you don't know what they are doing or thinking. Neil might have had it worked out in his head, but he has no ability to communicate his intentions. I really beleive that for a person to put in the time, money, and effort to produce something like this, they must have some kind of impairment. I don't know if it was a brain injury, a developmental delay, or some other form of neurodivergence, but not only is Neil afflicted, I think that anyone who appears in his films must be, too. I can't think of any other reason a person would allow themself to perform the way these people do--not for money, not for acting experience--not even if they were being blackmailed. I haven't even gotten into how visually assaultive this movie is. Anyone who rates this higher than a 1 is only doing so to be funny. There is nothing to appreciate about any moment of Cade, except for fans of bad movies. Those are the only people I would ever hope will sit through this.
Challengers (2024)
A story that keeps you guessing
When you are deciding if you want to watch a movie devoted to a particular sport, it is helpful to know if the filmmaker was able to show the subject in a way that is interesting even to people who aren't fans. I think most viewers will enjoy the way the tennis is filmed in Challengers. I also think that as the details of the story unfolds, it will be easy to get caught up in the tension of wanting to see how it all turns out. There are three central characters, and the plot hinges on their relationships to each other, as well as what they want from competing in tennis. You may have heard something or other about how the film ends; what I will say is that up until the final moments, you might not be sure what these three people are actually working towards. The ending does answer this, and I believe it gives a worthy resolution. In that sense, I would say Challengers offers an emotional journey that many will enjoy going on.
Pignorant (2024)
Not an easy watch if you are bothered by animals in pain
This documentary has some upsetting content. The filmmakers explore a farm and a factory where pigs are raised and slaughtered. Not only are there graphic images, but there are some descriptions of what goes on that are hard to hear. The goal was to expose the practice of using a gas chamber to kill pigs, which will then be used for food. With hidden cameras, we are shown some of what goes on in the factory. However, I think some of the worst things that were happening only got spoken about. The documentary has a resolution that will give viewers some sense of closure to this group's first effort; however, they stress that they want to continue to work to bring awareness to practices that they feel are cruel and wrong. I should note that the story takes places in one area of the U. K.; we do not see how animals are processed in other parts of the world, nor do they discuss the food industry beyond their region.
Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm (2022)
Not nearly outrageous enough
I enjoy these characters as much as anyone, but this movie was way too conventional. The appeal of the show is that it can go in so many nonsensical directions in just an 11 minute runtime. For this film, it seems like they thought they needed to keep a linear narrative going for the 75 minute runtime. I preferred it when things would go off the rails right from the start, and then keep getting more and more out of control. Of course, there are plenty of silly moments and goofy plot points, but compared to what we've been used to, this seems really tame, even as they add in explicit language. I recommend skipping this one--it offers minimal payoff.
Dune: Part Two (2024)
Not like anything else in a long, long time
This movie was my first time experiencing this fandom. I really liked it. I enjoyed where the story went, and it had a look and feel that made it easy to place myself in the action. But the most transporting aspect had to be the score. The music was absolutely essential to making this an experience that stands apart. On top of that, there were some casting choices that paid off big time, with Austin Butler being the standout for me. Some of the characters might have been a little one-note, especially the women, but this is sci-fi written decades ago. I enjoyed this enough to go back and look into some of the other stuff made around this property, and I'm interested to see what this director can do to continue the story. He's set the bar pretty high here, so hopefully he can deliver on the same level.
Riddle of Fire (2023)
Fun, adventurous storytelling
Is this movie something special? I think some viewers will feel that it is. I think two reasons include: 1) It follows some free-range kids on an "adventure," and 2) The film quality gives it a retro look. These two elements add a sense of nostalgia for filmgoers of a certain age. The fact that the kids just roam the county with no parents checking in on them sets this movie apart from anything else made in a long, long time. There is also a slightly surreal quality to a lot of the scenes; the filmmakers did NOT go for a sense of realism. Instead, the children are able to do and say things that kids would like to be able to do, but never really could in real life. So it's kind of like a stylized way of telling the story from a kid's perspective--kind of like how Night of the Hunter has it's own logic at times. I happened to enjoy it, even when not everything worked 100%. For example, the fabled dance sequence: this should have been a highlight, but I didn't feel like it had the intended effect for me. Still, I very much appreciate that someone was able to get this made, and I would be interested to see what the writer/director does in the future. It's the kind of story I wouldn't mind telling if I were ever to write.
Strictly Confidential (2024)
Edge of your seat erotic thriller
Here is a film that achieves so much in it's runtime that it's hard to believe it's only an hour and a half long. Strictly Confidential will surely take it's place along the great mystery/thrillers by masters such as Alfred Hitchcock and David Lynch. However, neither of those greats ever helmed an ensemble piece the likes of which writer/director David Hurley has assembled. He guides every actor and actress to an award-worthy performance, with the standouts being an intense Laura McQueen and a magnetic Llyrio Boateng as the enigmatic Sebastian. Does he know more than he is telling us? You will be guessing right up to the final shot. But even those stellar craftsmen must defer to the sparkling champagne fizz of the centerpiece: Liz Hurley as Lily. The pain of her loss--and the choices it leads her to make--is so palpable, ever viewer's heart will ache as they follow her journey. Clearly, the director earned everyone's trust and led a film shoot with no drama or disharmony. Special credit must go to 2nd 2nd assistant director (two 2nds--not an error) Danielle Browne. No doubt her contributions helped carry the production to that upper echelon that so few films reach. If you are tired of the repetitive, uninspired slop that floods the streaming services today, seek out Strictly Confidential. You will be in for a ride that will restore your faith in the power of film!
Followers (2024)
I did not care for this
As soon as this movie began, I picked up on all the trademarks of a poorly made low budget effort: stilted performances, uninspired cinematography, insipid dialog, and an unremarkable score. I think the only thing that has changed recently in trash filmmaking is that now anyone can get a drone shot.
As the story unfolded, I was surprised at how quickly the first act was paced. It did not seem like the standard slasher formula was being used; things progressed much more quickly than typical. It still wasn't very good, but it wasn't the same old/same old. I guess it's really hard to edit a scene to play out with any kind of natural rhythm when you work in low budget filmmaking, because these movies always have odd timing to everything; it's no different with Followers. Someone will make a statement or ask a question, and there will be a weird pause with some kind of filler shot before the response comes. None of the actors have any kind of charisma or presence, or if they do, the filmmakers couldn't capture it. Another criticism I have is that I wasn't very interested in the story, and I was especially apathetic to how everything resolved. I am sure I will forget this movie so quickly that the next time I look over my list of reviews, I will have no memory of what this was. Hard pass.
Frogman (2023)
I don't care what anybody says
I thought this movie was fun from start to finish. For me, it had a midnight movie feel--cheap trash just made to entertain. It's found footage, and it definitely uses low-res shots and shaky camera work. The story feels like someone saw The Taking Of Deborah Logan and decided to do a Spinal Tap-like parody of it. I don't actually know if the tone was meant to be comedic, but there were plenty of moments that they couldn't possibly have thought anyone would take it seriously. I also liked how everything builds to an off-the-wall climax where they just totally go for it. I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen. It was a sweet rush of low budget horror.