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Star Wars: Tales of the Empire (2024)
A few too many inconsistencies
I was looking forward to this, then on reviewing the list of episodes, disappointed to see the narrower focus, when compared to Tales of the Jedi.
Morgan Elsbeth is a character who quite arguably didn't really need any more of a back story than she received in Ahsoka. The storyline here is very lacking. It shoe horns her character into events of the Separatist attack on the Night Sisters of Dathomir and that was one of the most unconvincing story arcs of Ahsoka. In the Clone Wars series, Asajj Ventress is a Night Sister - and looks like one. Morgan Elsbeth just looks human and it feels that she was reinvented as a Night Sister after Mandolorian by the script writers of Ahsoka. It feels improvised and for me it just doesn't work. The episodes leap from the time of the Clone Wars, then to Elsbeth meeting Thrawn and the connection with the TIE Defender project, to the period shortly before Ahsoka's arrival. It doesn't tell anything new and attempts to build in some kind of back story for a character who is really just a generic one, from a particular Mandalorian episode, without actually providing anything substantial.
Barriss Offee's episodes are more compelling, but felt rushed. I'm not convinced anything more expansive could have been squeezed into three 15 minute episodes. I don't have a problem with the redemption story at all. In fact it fits the character well and I am glad they went with that. In Clone Wars, Barriss came across as a misguided idealist, not a murderous, ambitious Sith apprentice and as far as we know had no connections to Palpatine. Personally I never saw her becoming an inquisitor or a Sith, no idea how/why some fans predicted that one. In the end Bariss redeemed herself through her actions and in her death helped to save another from the dark path.
Tales of the Jedi were short Episodes which worked well as stand alone, the same cannot be said here. Barriss' story needed more time, Morgan's didn't really bring anything new and for me, just leaves more questions.
6/10.
Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
Just not anywhere near as mystical or epic as the first and misses the mark by a mile
Stunning visuals, and I mean absolutely stunning. Just can't fault it, but sadly that's where it ends.
Unfortunately the plot falls very short, if there really is a plot at all. The first film had it's problems, such as the way the humans were portrayed and that continues, but among the humans you had those who tried to do the right thing. This film really doesn't attempt that.
Early on in the film there is a narrative by Jake, to fill the viewer in on the "story so far". This narrative feels rushed and it cheapens and lessens the events of the first film.
There is a line where Jake talks about his fluency with the native language and then the most drastic change occurs. The natives all being talking English from that point, accompanied by modern slang, humour, calling each other "bro", etc. It's like watching a non English language film, with bad and lazy dubbing. This single thing shocked me the most. It detracted from the movie, and I might have been able to forgive and overlook many of the other problems with this film if it weren't for that.
For me this ruins the immersion entirely - I would not care if it had to be subtitled, it would have been vastly better than this. The spiritual nature of the Na'vi people is lost in translation because of this. It's one of the biggest negatives of this film.
Next the sky people return (obviously), we don't really find out why they return to begin with, but then we understand that Earth is dying (no idea why or how, but apparently it is) and the usual teams of stereotypical military goon types (straight out of James Cameron's Aliens (1986)) arrive to burn and raze. You have to once again suspend disbelief (as you did with the first film) and accept that technologically advanced humans have returned to "colonial" behaviours of their 16th/17th/18th century ancestors.
Despite the arrival of the sky people, the kids are wandering about the forests constantly. Just not convincing at all.
When the sky people attack, Jake makes the inexplicable decision to remove his family far away from their home land to some islands ruled by a sea tribe. Then we have about an hour of fitting in with the locals, teen dramas, swimming, etc.
While Jake and his family are living with the sea tribe - simply hiding from the problem facing their world - it's never clear what is happening back in the forest. His tribe are never seen again for the remainder. Have they been wiped out? Did he feel any remorse in abandoning them? It's never clear. It's inconceivable that he would not consider the danger he puts the sea tribe in by going there.
Then it also turns out they are harvesting the ichor from some intelligent whale like creatures which reminded me of the space-faring whales in the Star Wars universe. There is a "whale hunt", complete with mindless, cheering and thuggish hunting types, which just leaves a bad taste in the mouth (echos of Jurassic Park 2). The evil, remorseless, greedy humans high five and cheer as the whale like creature is murdered. Simplistic, one dimensional black and white stuff.
The Quaritch/Avatar clone seemed ineffective and poorly developed. It seemed they wanted that character back, rather than coming up with a new well developed villain, but it just fails to convince. He has the opportunity to kill off Jake's family several times, but inexplicably holds off or fails at every attempt. His team are wiped out, as you would expect they would be - in fact they should have been wiped out sooner, if the first film is anything to go by. The Avatars, even those with military training, were never a match for the natives in their own environment. It's never explained (or if it was I must have missed it), how the dead Quaritch's thoughts are uploaded into a microchip to create the Avatar clone. We must assume that Quaritch's memories were uploaded before his death.
The Tarzan character (Spider) made absolutely no sense, but is seemingly given a purpose near the end of the movie. He spends most of the film as a captive, was never convincing, just seemed like a spare part, completely unnecessary to the plot.
My conclusion is that this suffers from the same problems as everything coming out of Disney. It has no depth, no real plot, it's a shallow cash grab installment of yet another Disney franchise and is all about visuals.
Acting wise, i could not give you even one name who really stood out.
Loki (2021)
Season 2 is a mess
Season 1 was one of the better Marvel series. There was a plot twist, a revelation a compelling plot... it was a worthwhile watch.
Season 2 is an attempt to cash in on the success of season 1, but it's an empty vessel. There really is no substance here. They want you to buy into it, but there's nothing to see.
Loki wants to save TVA. Why?
Sylvie prefers to see it destroyed then has a change of heart. Other characters are superfluous undeveloped and shallow.
Aside from that there is a whole lot of pointless teleporting around, centred around the characters of He Who Renains and Renslayer. What is Renslayer's role or history? Do we know or care? Is this some elaborate plot to restore Kang the Conqueror in this time line? Who knows. Whatever it is, you'll have to spend money on the next tired MCU movies to find out.
What you can be sure of is that this series is simply filler in between MCU movies and MCU is already worn out and ready for retirement. The Cash Cow is worn out. The movies have largely been a disaater since End Game and it's time to call it a day.
Ahsoka (2023)
Average, not the best and not the worst
I honestly think some people expect too much from these Star Wars TV series. Asokah was a decent serialisation which bridges the gap between the end of Mandalorian and whatever comes next. It also serves as the sequel to Rebels, (which itself was the sequel to Clone Wars.)
It's understandable that many reviewers here just don't get Asokah, having not seen Clone Wars or Rebels. All characters have complex back stories, which are absent from this series - you are expected to know, but that doesn't necessarily detract from it. The idea of the Nightsisters of Dathomir (and their "magic" like abilities) must also be very confusing, The Night Sisters were quite pivotal in the Clone Wars. One of their number Asajj Ventress was Count Dooku's former apprentice and Darth Maul was also of Dathomir. The Separatist forces led by Dooku ultimately all but wiped out the Night Sisters (under secret orders from Palpatine).
Mandalorian was different. It was a true spin off with new characters based in the outer rim and could be watched "standalone" instead of having to watch Clone Wars first to see the back story of Bo-Katan and the Death Watch, etc.
Disclaimer: I am (obviously) a big fan of Clone Wars and Rebels, but it's a bit of a stretch to expect the average person to sit through many seasons and episodes of an animated series, just to get the back story and a better understanding of characters such as Thrawn, Asokah, Sabine, Ezra, Hera and the Night Sisters of Dathomir.
I'm giving this an 8 as it was faithful to Rebels - they put in the effort where it counts and it's a reassuring continuation of this return to Star Wars canon (after the disasters which were episodes 7, 8 and 9 - I wish those could be erased).
My one concern was the complete absence of Baylan Skoll and his apprentice for much of the last few episodes, after being so relentless. It seems they were roaming the wastes, doing nothing much else. These characters just seemed superfluous once Thrawn and Morgan Elsbeth came to the fore, which was a pity. The latter did not look like a Night Sister (or Dathomiri femaie) at all, which I found odd, even after receiving the "shadow", it was still unconvincing and you would expect someone looking more like Asajj Ventress. I believe this may be the result of Elsbeth not actually being a Night Sister in here first appearance in Mandolorian - this was a plot device they came up with later on. There is much speculation online as to why Elsbeth looked human.
I'm not going to say the acting was stellar (did anyone watch Episode IV for the acting?), but it was a fitting conclusion to Rebels and Clone Wars. All characters were pretty spot one, even Chopper.
I like the who idea of the travel to Peridea and you really felt there could be no way back. It was good to find Ezra again, as I said you needed to watch Rebels to appreciate it fully.
It's a shame Zeb didn't appear - he made a cameo in Mando season 3. I really thought Zeb would be back for this.
Enjoyable action sequences, likeable characters you could empathise with. Some decent lightsabre duels ( a big improvement on the clumsy heaving, grimacing and grunting of the unspeakable Abrams/Johnson popcorn flicks - ok enough of that).
I would watch again, it gets a thumbs up from me.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)
The Clone Wars is epic
This series belongs up there with Episodes 4, 5, 6, Mando seasons 1 and 2, Andor, Rogue One and The Bad Batch (not to mention the underrated Solo and Star Wars Rebels series). It's also the "glue" that joins Episodes 2 and 3 together.
The Clone Wars is well thought out, brilliant story telling, that sticks to Star Wars canon and really makes you care about and connect with the characters. It deals with the clones as real individuals, who fought the war against the separatists, ultimately won it and were then cast aside once the Galactic Empire rose. The whole conspiracy element which runs throughout is well done, the various missions, all believable, plausible, well executed and scripted.
The Clone Wars is of course also the back story for characters like Ahsoka Tano and Boba Fett.
This is light years ahead of the shallow meaningless dross that is Episodes 7/8/9.
If you're a Star Wars fan and haven't seen the Clone Wars yet, you're really missing out. Don't be put off by this being an animated series.
10/10 truly deserved.
Transformers: Earthspark (2022)
A sign of the times...
Earthspark is generic children's TV that has already been done over and over. It's boring, pretentious and unoriginal.
It didn't need to be Transformers - it has a Transformers theme, it has some characters based on Transformers characters, that's about it. It's basically about kids with superpowers and their rather juvenile robotic companions which some magical relics thrown in.
What really derails this series is all of the virtue signalling and moralising and forcible attempts to reverse gender stereotypes, worrying over identity and roles, race, etc. The series is infused with it, it's obvious, it insults the intelligence of most people and it ruins what should be solid children's entertainment.
The Generation One cartoon of the 1980s set out to entertain kids - and promote the toys - that's no longer sufficient for those intent on the re-education of the next generation. While Generation One had gender stereotypes galore, which was the norm back then, my 9 year old can watch it and filter out some of the rather dated aspects and still find it far more enjoyable compared to this latest sterile offering.
As ever, so many previously "male" Transformers have yet again been re-gendered as female. This farce began in Cyberverse and it has advanced further here, with Skywarp, Thundercracker (I think?) and Frenzy as the latest victims that spring to mind.
It doesn't seem that it was enough to introduce new female Transformers such as Windblade - existing male ones have to be changed to female in order to tick boxes - and apparently without any explanation needed.
You have to suspend disbelief to imagine Megatron and Optimus Prime working together under the direction of a human agency. It was this aspect, among others, that ruined the Michael Bay films. There you had depthless Autobot or Decepticon characters, who barely uttered a line in the whole movie, who remained in the background while we had to suffer 2/3 of the movie being about the human characters' personal/family/love life struggles. With the human military directing the Autobots on their missions into some war zone.
In Earthspark you have this same skewed focus on the Malto family and the entirely implausible "Terrans", who are all just annoying silly cartoon characters who serve no real purpose.
The series follows the tired plot device of "generic young superhero academy", which has been done over and over again.
The Decepticons are a fragmented rogue element who appear to have no discernible objectives that I can see. They provide a lesser villain element for the aforementioned plot device - in that they don't need to have any real goals except to cause some minor trouble, through their own chaotic natures. The real villains, with the clear objectives, are the human ones.
The new Transformers called the "Terrans" have to choose their alt mode, learn to transform... and we are treated to these long drawn out self discovery and identity crisis dramas.
There is the transformer who is unable to decide on his alt mode, who is then reassured that it's ok to be unsure it...
I'm glad my kids got bored and stopped watching it a few episodes in.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker (2019)
The third and finaly nail in the coffin of the "Skywalker saga"
As with the previous two installments, this film is bad, it's shallow, unoriginal and just sloppy in every sense.
JJ Abrams takes all of the Star Wars lore, everything we've come to know about the Jedi and Sith and tears it up (again).
There is nothing new here. There is no new villain or threat. The big mystery about Rey is revealed and I feel the film makers expected a certain degree of shock, surprise, awe? They at least expected to generate a sensation. No... nothing here.
The Sith have a "home world", Palpatine didn't die (thus pretty much invalidating the whole essence of Episodes 1 to 6, with Anakin and Luke Skywalker finally destroying the Emperor).
Yes, "The Emperor" is back and "Snoke" was a clone.
But not only is Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious) back, but he has a whole planet full of badness at his disposal. Hooded devotees chant in the background and his followers have amassed a huge fleet of Star Destroyers, each with it's own Death Star cannon...
As we know, Star Destroyers aren't built, nor are death Star cannons, they just grow magically in hidden planets which don't need any of the raw materials or labour force for such a huge undertaking. All of the personnel and resources to build and equip them either come out of nowhere... or were simply put together using the force - most likely the same goes for the legions of red armoured stormtroopers or more likely no thought whatsover went into these details.
This is the most childish, naive and ridiculous excuse for a plot in a Star Wars film so far.
I can barely muster the strength to go on.
Watch Episode 1, 2, the Clone Wars series and Episode 3 and you will see how a sinister plot involving the subversion of the Republic and it's shaping into the Galactic Empire came about. If you can set aside the defects of the three prequels, you can see the effort that went into writing the story of Palpatine's rise to power under the very noses of the Jedi. The Clone Wars expands on that hugely.
These three sequels expand nothing. They create a temporary Imperial resurgence which is ultimately ended. They resurrect great characters from Episodes 4/5/6 only to utterly waste and trash them and then leave the Star Wars franchise is a worse state.
In Episode 7, the Empire had to come back, as a necessity of if being a reboot-sequel and because the writers, director and production team simply lacked the knowledge or the vision to come up with anything original. And here, the Emperor is back because well he is... Instead of taking the saga in a new direction, what this amounts to is "the Empire didn't end and the Emperor didn't die (even though though it did and he did) because we want to extend the existing 'Skywalker saga' of 6 films into 9 and cash in". Yes, Episode 7, 8 and 9 are shallow cash grabs completely devoid of any originality or the "spirit" which made the first 6 movies what they are.
They also cheapen the "force", seemingly anyone can wield it, it requires no training and then there's the absurd healing powers mentioned by other reviewers here.
And this movie is all about absurdity and excess, more random useless characters, more "magic" - more, more, more... as is evident with Lando's mustering of a huge fleet at the planet no one could find.
The pathetic performances, awful choreography, worst light sabre duels in any Star Wars movie, the waste of Adam Driver's talent in what could have been a great role. Ultimately this new trilogy didn't need Rey, it just needed Ben Solo / Kylo Ren and his struggle to do the right thing. But Disney/producers/director had other ideas. This is from the same mindset as the people who gave you the obnoxious misandrist ship's captain in the ball gown who simply "hyperspaced" through a larger First Order capital ship / cruiser in the previous movie.
Oh well, I reviewed the other two, now I'm burnt out. How did George Lucas let this happen?
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023)
Actually not as bad as I expected, but still misses the mark by a mile
This movie attempts to bring elements of the "Beast Wars" / "Beast Machines" Transformers continuity into the rebooted "Bayverse". It does so, but with limited success. This movie falls flat, due a simplistic and unimaginative plot, lack of substance and mostly unconvincing performances.
The opening scenes of the Bumblebee 2018 movie, set the scene for the next installment(s) in the Transformers franchise, but those were only the opening scenes - then that movie took a different turn - it essentially continued down the same kind of basic plot line with the same basic ideas as Transformers 2007. But still there was some hope.
What was so special (to myself and many others) about the Bumblebee intro was that for the first time ever, we had "Generation 1" style transformers (i.e. "real" Transformers based on the original 1980s cartoon series and toys, rather than the very different ones appearing in the the previous Bay movies) in those opening scenes. Apparently gone were the insectoid gun metal "Terminator" style transformers of the previous 5 films (with the exception of Bumblebee himself). Similarly, the focuses on the US military, special forces, secret service and the overbearing "fast and furious" style was almost gone.
Now in this, movie I expected the full blown return of Generation 1 style transformers...
I have no idea what they did to Wheeljack or why - and Arcee was perfectly ok as she was in Bumblebee 2018. Mirage seemed like a decent addition, but the attitude of the character, lack of respect for Prime and the numerous bad jokes gets tiresome very quickly. Optimus Prime was way off. The character lost a lot of his bearing and feeling since the four Bay movies. Rather than the continuation of where Bumblebee left off, this just feels like yet another Bay movie.
The Autobots except for Mirage are sidelined in this movie. Mirage gets too much "air time", Wheeljack, Arcee and Bumblee are very much the side show (Wheeljack is almost irrelevant in fact and Bumblebee is deliberately removed for much of the movie to make space for Mirage).
But this movie is all about the Beast Wars characters right? Wrong. I'm afraid this is yet another boy/girl and his/her car movie and it even fails at that. "Rise of the Beasts" is a misnomer.
Disclaimer, I'm not a Beast Wars fan, but even I can see that Beast Wars fans were badly short changed here.
The Maximals (Airazor excepted) "maxmise" precisely once. If they did it a second time I didn't notice it. Cheetor and Rhinox hardly have a part in this. Airazor's part was bigger initially, but she never got to maximise and ultimately that character was wasted. The action is fast paced, and as with many of the previous Transformers movies, the action can be a blur. Blink and you miss it. Primal gets a few lines, but that's about it. In this movie, the blurred action seemed worse than previous efforts. The battles seem repetitive and frustrating. There are few of the choreographed sequences seen in previous Transformers movies.
The "Bayverse" re-emerges in a fashion in the shape of the "freezers" and Scourge who has the same kind of Aesthetics as bots who featured in The Last Knight 2017 and who's alt mode reminds me of Megraton's from Dark of the Moon 2011. The "freezers" are insect like mindless drones of Unicron, who are numerous, quite deadly, but never manage to kill anyone. Someone wanted to bring back the "spikey" Transformers of the Michael Bay era and they got their way. Stratosphere was a throwback to something you'd expect to see in Revenge of the Fallen 2009 or The Last Kinght 2017.
The "Transwarp key" is central plot device here as part of a generic and unoriginal artifact/treasure hunt which would have only taken up 15 minutes at the start of your typical Indiana Jones movie.
Beast Wars had "Transwarp drives", which I believe this idea is based on, but here it is re-imagined as some lost artifact which will allow planet eater Unicron to travel space time. The key turns out to be in two halves and - the two halves fall into the enemies' hands fairly easily with only a little drama. This is, as I recall, because on two occasions, the autobots and/or maximals come up with idiotic and implausible plans where their two human allies will take the key to safety... It fails (as the whole cinema knew it would). The world as a result is of course doomed - but you don't see the same struggle Sam had to keep the All-spark out of Megatron's hands, that we saw in Transformers 2007. The whole "struggle" is botched and lethargic and amounts to a lot of needless and unconvincing running about and hiding (unsuccessfully). There is a scene in Peru where Noah and Elena are "in disguise" in the streets, but acting very suspiciously and are spotted by the Terrorcons within minutes. It's obvious that so little thought went into scripting these sequences. We've had this before with the hunt for the Matrix of Leadership in Revenge of the Fallen 2009 - as I said, nothing original here. (There are also similarities with the space bridge in Dark of the Moon 2011.)
Optimus Prime wants to keep the key as it will aid them in returning home - even though, as we know from Bumblebee 2018, "Cybertron is lost" (to the Decepticons) and earth is supposed to be their new base/home - Prime obsesses about this until eventually the key is destroyed anyway. Again almost zero thought went into this.
Scourge, Battletrap and Nightbird are bots known here as "Terrorcons", who travel to earth once the Transwarp key (or half of it) sends out a pulse revealing it's location. (Interestingly, the second half of the key sends no such pulse when it is handed over to the Autobots and Maximals.) Here "Terrorcons" are bots which are slaves to Unicron, having likely been captured and/or reanimated by the "Chaos Bringer" and forced into servitude at some point. It's not clear who Scourge is/was. At one point he is unmasked and I had thought there may be some revelation, but nothing of interest comes of it. At one point Scourge seems unstoppable, but Prime just gets "madder" and eventually Scourge is destroyed. Nightbird and Battletrap get very few lines. As with the Maximals, you see very few scenes where you can make out their faces.
This film is seemingly more about Noah and Elena's struggle with day to day life: Finding a job, struggling to pay medical bills, getting drawn into crime, being undervalued and unappreciated at work. All very real issues - but when you go to the cinema to see giant transforming robots, you didn't "sign up" for such virtue signaling.
The writers, producers and directors here clearly wanted to show the struggles of minorities, perhaps in order to make this movie appeal to minorities in the US? I can only guess. Yes it's impossible to make an entertaining film about Transformers these days, without, forcing across some social justice message. I can't connect with those ideas.
I see it very differently:
Why couldn't Elena (who is African American) have been a _successful_ researcher at a museum, respected by her colleagues, who ultimately uncovers the truth about the artifact through skill and study, rather than breaking it during some mishap (and thus justifying in a way her apparent lack of success)?
Why does Noah, of Latin American extraction, have to be struggling, associating with criminals and conforming to many of these stereotypes? Why is Noah seemingly a past failure, who just needs a break. Why is race or culture even an issue at all in a movie like this? I for one am tired of seeing this kind of thing in movies and it's also partially why this gets a low rating from me.
I actually liked Antony Ramos' portrayal of Noah and that's the only reason I'm giving this 5 stars.
Dominique Fishback's Elena didn't really get much of a part - and again we essentially got the "boy and his Transformer car buddy" script, which Michael Bay has already done at least three times, which was done again in Bumblebee and which has formed the basis for many other movies before that. I had hoped Rise of the Beasts would be a departure from this, but sadly not.
I think Elena's role could easily have been dispensed with altogether and the writers could have focused only on Noah. He would have stolen the artifact which turned out to be the Transwarp Key, dropped it and broken it, etc.
The CGI was top notch in places. The Maximals Airazor, Primal and Cheetor were well done, as were Prime, Arcee, Bumblebee and Mirage, but there are more shots where you couldn't see what was going on or they were at a distance, or partially on screen, obstructed, moving too fast or blurred. The scenes where Scourge converses with Unicron were impressive, though reminiscent of Prime's simulation of Cybertron in Transformers 2007.
I liked the scenes shot in Peru, but disliked the 90's rap / hip hop music soundtrack.
All in all disappointing, but expected.
Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)
It doesn't get much worse than this
So after the break in continuity which was Age of Extinction, we have a sequel, of sorts, which introduces even move breaks and a whole host of other problems (too many to list here).
What on earth was Anthony Hopkins thinking? Who on earth came up with "Witwickians", or whatever it's called? How could he read the plot and script and accept a part in this dross? It boggles the mind.
The headmaster "Cogman", who never got to be a headmaster in this movie, is right up there in the "Skids and Mudflap Hall of Fame," for most annoying Transformer ever. This was the one and only attempt at getting a headmaster into the Bay Transformers universe and they failed spectacularly (I believe they either cut some scenes or abandoned them, but Cogman was supposed to transform into a larger version of his own head and then join to his body - the silver Aston Martin he is seen driving, hence explaining his small size).
Then there is the whole connection with Merlin, Arthur and the Knights of the round table, etc. People must have been doing mushrooms when they came up with this lot.
There is a character, I can't remember her name, who is the descendant of Merlin or some such, but who absolutely serves no useful purpose.
There is a girl who appears early in the film, who along with the trio of Autobots is left out of it for much of the film, despite some attempts to develop her as character who you would assume would be Cade's sidekick for the remainder. There was not enough space in this movie for this character and the one previously mentioned. It's clear this character was sidelined/dumped during production in order to give the first more of a role.
Hot Rod is introduced as a Bumblebee clone type who speaks with a French accent...
Bumblebee and Hot Rod are shown in flashback scenes in WW2 fighting the Nazis... until that point it is never established how and when Bumblebee went to Earth, in the Bumblebee 2018 movie, he first goes to Earth in the 1980s. But yes, having Bumblebee help to fight the Nazis was a great idea, wasn't it.........
This continues the idiotic "Optimus Prime Knight" story line and style, from the previous movie.
Then you have "Megatron", who is inexplicably no longer Galvatron and looks completely different - and his "crew"... who are in a human prison...
Yes you read that right. There are clownish cartoonish Decepticons in a human prison - and Megatron has to ask for their release, instead of just blasting the humans out of existence and breaking them out (which still doesn't explain how they're being held).
Here for the "crew", they reuse one of the "dreads" (Crankcase from Dark of the Moon) and call it "Berserker". Next there's Onslaught, who is "transformed" from his usual Transformers "Generation 1" character as a more thoughtful tactician and strategist (one of the Combaticons) into a goofy thuggish character with a chain around his neck. In fact the entire "crew" are yet another throwback to the "Skids and Mudflap" style Bayformers of previous efforts and most of the "crew" are dead quite early on. So despite the complaints from so many fans about the characters in Revenge of Fallen, Bay introduces yet more stupid characters who spew endless streams of street lingo such as Mohawk.
Barricade reappears with knuckle dusters...
Grimlock and the other Dinobots had babies... Grimlock seems to live at a scrapyard and eats cars... they play no further part, serve no useful role that I can recall, despite being extremely powerful.
The "Guardian Kights" despite being seemingly ancient Cybertonians have virtually no dialogue and behave as mindless savages. They combine into one larger draconic beast mode known as "Dragonstorm". Dragonstorm is only seen transforming and combining once, very briefly, at a great distance. Blink and you miss it. There are also plot holes, as with the Dinobots absence, where Dragonstorm is inexplicably absent when he could be fighting the enemy.
The Quintessons are reimagined as a character called "Qunitessa" (in original Transformers G1, the Quintessons's planet), who claims to be the creator seemingly alluded to in the previous film, though in that film they were "creators" and only their hands were visible in early scenes and they certainly weren't "Quintessa".
Optimus Prime returns from "Quintessa" as "Nemesis Prime", another character (along with Galvatron in the previous film) that the Bayverse has completely and utterly wasted.
In the end it turns out that Earth is Unicron... right...
Ever wondered why Bumblebee 2018 was a soft reboot?
You can see that Wahlberg didn't believe in this film, his acting is not at all convincing. I can't think of anything good about this - even AoE looks mediocre compared to this pantomime.
The whole script and plot is a disjointed mess. It feels several writers tried to make 3 or 4 different movies at the same time. There is no cohesion, no sense, nothing, just a whole load of ideas, rammed in, with no purpose, no plot.
This is 99p bargain bin DVD stuff at best. Avoid.
(I still can't decide which is the worst out of this and Revenge of the Fallen)
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
Yet another disjointed continuity breaking throw away TF movie from Mr Bay
I will say one good thing about Micheal Bay's Transformers movies - since 2007 they have brought about the resurrection of Transformers and we have seen a lot of new literature, animated series, toys, etc as a result and the Netflix series (which many are divided on, but which is still better than anything Bay has come up with).
None of the Bay TF movies have really been any good, including this one - and it's my opinion that this one is no better or no worse than the others (with the exception of Revenge of the Fallen, which is still by far the worst of the lot). This one has all the usual product placement, the scantily clad girl in some of the earliest scenes, the product placements, the roaring engines and "fast and furious" style petrol head scenes and the bad jokes and one liners.
But this movie has all the appearance of a production where someone had some good ideas, but then others got involved and threw all of that out and edited and distorted it into the usual style of Transformers action flick.
For example, it appears that "Galvatron" and the KSI bots, should have been Motormaster and the Stunticons. This would have made a lot more sense (Galvatron's alt mode is a dead ringer for Motormaster's and Galvatron was never created by humans in any continuity that I know of and just didn't work here in my opinion). In Transformers "Generation 1", the Stunticons were created from earth vehicles and then "brought to life" by the decepticons - the plot device in AoE is similar enough and would have been a good introduction of the Stunticons. Galvatron was "reformatted" by Unicron from the dying Megatron (The Megatron in the next movie "The Last Knight", clearly should have been Galvatron, not this one).
But of course, who has heard of the Stunticons? Bay's movies hardly even bother to give the Transformers names or in most cases dialogue. You wanted to watch Transformers? Well hard luck, here is hours upon hours of human character dialogue and action, because Transformers are dumb (and in fact, to get that across, Bay specifically made one of them dumb by design right from the start). Unless a Transformer is Optimus, or Megatron, he's not getting any lines beyond one or two words in a Bay film. And unless a Transformer is Optimus or Megatron or Bumblebee, no one is even going to bother to call them by name. Bay focuses mainly on the human characters and the Transformers are pure empty CGI.
Bay's transformers are really just cool cars who also happen to transform into "robots" that blow stuff up or get blown up. There is nothing more to it than that. In almost every Bay film, the Transformers worked with the US military or humans and we saw endless shots of soldiers/special forces, tanks, fighter jets, aircraft carriers, scantily clad girls, super cars, etc. Oh sorry did you want to see Transformers? Again, there's not much difference here.
In terms of Transformations, if there is any scene where Crosshairs transforms, I must have missed it. I also can't recall seeing Hound transform. Drift is seen transforming into helicopter mode at some point, but never into or from a car if memory serves (there is a mistake, where drift arrives in the desert in car mode, but then is immediately seen already at the desert in bot mode, transforming to helicopter mode). The transformations are thin on the ground in this one, except for a couple from Optimus Prime - and that brings me to the ludicrous KSI bots transformations...
Clearly the transformation scenes and the CGI involved is time consuming and costly (and who wants to see Transformers transform anyway...). I expect the same sequences for Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are used and reused and adapted a lot. So in this film where they had to introduce a lot of new Transformers, I get the sense that they decided to go very cheap and we got the "blocks floating through the air" transformations of Galvatron and the other KSI bots. That was particularly awful, as there is no way humans would be able to devise a different (supposedly better) form of transformation to the real Cybertronians. In my view, it was always just a means of doing transformations on the cheap. Apart from Lockdown's and Grimlock's transformations (other Dinobots are deliberately at a distance, so hard to see), it doesn't look like much work went into this.
Ironically, this film is the first "Bayformers" installment where we have three new Autobot characters plus Lockdown who do get some dialogue, but all three of he Autobots are caricatures - spewing endless jokes and one liners. Hound's design is a return to the cartoonish idiocy we saw with "Skids and Mudflap" in Revenge of the Fallen. In fact there is a puerile "Skids and Mudflap style fight between Bumblebee and Drift.
The Dinobots are again a reversion to the mindless, slathering, bestial style we see applied to many of the Decepticons in previous Bay movies. While the Dinobots were famously not very clever, they were able to communicate - unlike these beasts.
Early on it seems like Galvatron will be the main villain, but despite all of the early scenes at KSI, the big deal about "Transformium" and the fight between Galvatron and Optimus Prime, the former is quickly side lined and the main threat is then Lockdown and the human secret service agents who work with him. The KSI bots become nameless, voiceless extras and Galvatron barely utters a word (I think he gets two or three lines in the entire movie).
Lockdown is here elevated to the status of a bot in the same class as Prime or Megatron and is a bounty hunter working for the supposed "creators" of the Cybertronians (who in G1 were established as the Quintessons).
Lockdown's ship has some idiotic creatures roaming about, which completely detract from the plot and serve no purpose. Again, it's as if they went cheap.
I like Tucci and Wahlberg. I think both had potential for this one, it's a shame Shia LaBeouf wasn't in it, but again - Transformers movies, should be primarily about Transformers. The only movie so far that started to get this, partially, right was Bumblebee.
Bay clearly has no respect for Transformers and once again in this film we have breaks in continuity and no explanation whatsoever for the absence of Witwicky. We are told that most Autobots have been hunted down and killed - again Bay kills off or omits characters recklessly, he introduces yet more irrelevant human characters, with pointless subplots (Cade's inventing, financial troubles, daughter's love interests, etc) who get far too much screen time and Transformers are just the window dressing.
As this was the highest grossing film that year, it's clear that they knew a certain glass of cinema goer would go out and buy this regardless, based on the hype alone.
Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017)
Johnson vs Abrams
If you thought it couldn't get any worse than "The Force Awakens" - think again.
This production team, writers and Rian Johnson, take what JJ Abrams did with the previous empty shell of a reboot sequel and tear it all up.
This was probably supposed to be the Empire Strikes Back, reboot sequel (not that it would be a good thing), but apart from a planet covered in white ash where the rebels are based (hidden), being under attack by the First Order, it doesn't have much in common. The resistance lose and flee, there may be some other similarities, I didn't notice/care enough to go into it in any great detail.
When Rey hands the light sabre to Luke, he tosses it over his shoulder and walks away (and the kind of audience this was obviously intended for erupted into laughter). Then you have more pointless and bad comedy. Any mysticism that may have surrounded that island on that planet at the end of the previous installment is quickly dispelled. The island is of course populated by Disneyesque animal life and it's all a barrel of laughs from there... Luke milks some strange animal (more laughter from the intended target audience).
In the earliest scenes you have Isaac's character Poe in an X wing engaging in bad comedy with General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson) on board a Star Destroyer. These few lines, pretty much set your expectations there and then. You're watching utter garbage, at least now you know. (but remember, Poe is the best pilot in the galaxy... just otherwise completely irrelevant to this film and the one before it).
The attack on the dreadnought", an implausible and pointless subplot, which only establishes that Poe Dameron likes to bend the rules and not a lot else... is what amounts to pathetic and superficial film making. Clearly someone had an idea for these scenes and just wanted to shoe horn them into this film somehow (what I would call a "pod race" sequence), despite them doing nothing whatsoever for the plot.
Likewise the mission off the fleeing ship to find the "hacker", which results in failure, another utterly implausible and pointless sub plot, which requires you to suspend disbelief.
And... Princes Leia floats through space - yes that has been covered multiple times and I won't go into that - if only it were the only problem with this one...
It's nothing short of appalling.
Kylo Ren previously breaks his mask for JJ Abrams... and here he puts it back together for Rian Johnson... the breaking of the mask should have symbolised Kylo's departure from the Knights of Ren and his becoming Snoke's true Sith apprentice - it should never have returned in this film.
One of the most promising characters of Force Awakens, Finn, is here relegated to that of a minor character. Finn is not yet a true rebel, as we would have assumed by now - no Finn is reverted back to the same shell shocked and terrified trooper he was at the beginning of Force Awakens, trying to run and not a lot else.
Rey on the other hand has quite advanced light sabre training by now. She didn't need to train in the Jedi temple from childhood as everyone else did. Unfortunately, the choreography of the battles has not improved over the previous film.
This only gets 3 stars for Adam Driver's performance as Kylo Ren. But one or two good actors, can't save this mess. It wasn't desperately in need of stellar acting performances (Star Wars was never about that), it needed someone who can actually write a decent plot, screenplay and someone else who can direct a film properly. This lacks on all counts.
The critics of Episodes I, II and III should seriously rewatch those - try to put aside the now well known poor performances of certain actors and see what a real Star Wars film is all about. For all their faults, those are real Star Wars films, this atrocity is not.
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (2015)
Mediocre reboot sequel
I saw this film not longer after release and a few times since, but never though to review it until recently.
While this film has the special effects you'd expect from Star Wars and good performances from John Boyega and Adam Driver, it just doesn't hold up as a true Star Wars film. I am going to put my cards on the table now and make it clear that I am a fan of Episodes 1 through to 6 and I can see the numerous problems with all 6 of these, but all of those had far more character and originality than this empty and superficial shell of a remake.
I also think the political correctness and virtue signalling, much of it hypocritical, has ruined this movie's chances of success from the off. As we see so often, a white woman is not allowed a romance with a black man, in order to avoid upsetting a certain audience. That is clearly the case here. The female lead is strong, virtuous and courageous, whereas Finn only wants to run. Poe is a hot head who takes risks (as we see very clearly in the next installment), Kylo Ren is weak, conflicted, impetuous and full of doubt (he's "no Vader").
The real problem with this film is that it is based on the plot of Episode IV "A New Hope" and that seems intentional. There is nothing original about it. It is a reboot of Episode IV without any of the charm, the characters or the epic feel. It also ignores much of the Star Wars canon, which came later and dumbs things down considerably to suit a more general audience.
It follows Episiode IV's basic plot line loosely, with striking similarities even down to the droid with the plans, which has to escape from the Empire and meets a new ally, who is force sensitive, on a desert planet.
The masked Sith antagonist, who defected to the dark side, and the final battle to destroy the planet destroying star base are also in there.
Finn (John Boyega) is, for me the only interesting character with a compelling back story, which needed more development, who puts in a consistently good performance, even though some of his lines were severely lacking (Unfortunately Finn was reduced to a minor character in the next two installments).
Personally I think JJ Abrams set out to do what he did with Star Trek - i.e. Make sweeping changes and dumbing things down, removing the politics, the technical aspects (e.g. Star Wars canon had previously established that TIE fighters were star fighters which could not fly in aerospace - in contrast to X wings for example, yet in Force Awakens, the first thing I picked up on was TIE Fighters "flying" within a planet's atmosphere and gravitational pull).
One of the worst scenes in terms of dumbing down, is where "Star killer base" (in case you didn't know what it was designed for...) fires upon some stars/planets and Finn looks up at the sky and exclaims "that was the Republic!"
The seat of the Republic, as with the Empire and old Republic, long established as being on Coruscant, which features heavily in Episodes I, II and III, the Clone Wars, Mandalorian, Andor, etc, etc. Fin would not have known it were "the Republic" simply by gazing into the sky, nor would he have called it that.
The First Order, as the resurgent faction, seeking to overthrow the New Republic and reinstate the Empire, would not have destroyed Coruscant, they would have retaken it... this plot device is utterly bizarre and I believe it shows a complete ignorance from the director, writers and production crew. Did they even connect what they called "the Republic" to Coruscant? Are they aware that "the Republic" in the true sense is a large number of planets not just one or two?
And the attack on Star Killer Base is a pathetic parody of the assault on the assault on the Death Star in Episode 4. You have to suspend disbelief for this one.
This was JJ Abrams deciding to do what he did to the planet Vulcan in Star Trek (2009) for the shock factor and to reboot and distance the franchise from existing fans, to attract new audiences. The result is a mess, that the existing franchise and fans now have to live with.
Though I think Ridley is likable, I just don't think her acting or the choreography in any of the light sabre battles was convincing. In fact nothing about this character made you think she had lived a hard life as an orphan, as a scavenger on an inhospitable planet. The opening scenes with her are an attempt to get this across, but then it fails miserably.
They Rey character and back story also has some similarities with the character Ezra from Star Wars Rebels 2014. Ezra, an orphan, is a force sensitive individual who discovers his powers after being taken in by a Jedi and his band of rebels. Ezra has no idea where his parents are or if they're even still alive. He lives alone scavenging and stealing for survival.
I don't think bringing back three of the original actors from IV/V/VI was of any benefit. The scene where Han and Chewbacca first appear was obviously staged to appease and titillate, for nostalgic and primarily commercial reasons. Han and Chewbacca's characters were out of place the whole time and only shifted the focus away from the two main characters. Han and Chewbacca had been working as smugglers, on a large ship you never really see and apparently crewed only by them. They are smuggling some dangerous animals, then two groups of gangsters (never before heard of and seemingly made up specifically for this film) simply board the ship, predictably leading to them leaving on the Falcon - which by some tremendous fluke, they had picked up, by happening to be in the same part of space at the same time.
I've only given this 5 because I did take to certain aspects of it and feel some characters and the actors portraying them did well, already mentioned, otherwise it would have got 3.
She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022)
Easily the WORST MCU series to date
An uncharismatic and selfish lawyer, who happens to be a cousin of Bruce Banner, gets "Hulk powers" which she hardly deserves and what does she do?
Obviously we witness the evolution of this "lost" individual into a true hero? Wrong - instead prepare yourself for "soap opera" standard dross, in the same vein as Ms Marvel - i.e. Empty characters, no real plot, bad jokes.
She Hulk doesn't have a plot as such - this has all the appearances of a series of "shorts" - by episode 4, no villain has emerged, nothing threatens humanity / the world / reality. Every episode seems to be what amounts to a legal case, interpersed with bad comedy and guest starring another MCU character.
Instead, this series embarks on the ridiculous concept of "the super human law firm" and with Walters in "She Hulk" form, as her boss demands it, representing the likes of Emil Blomsky (Abomination) and Wong in court... there are early appearances of Smart Hulk as part of the (minimal) origin story, but then the Walters / She Hulk character becomes the centre - often addressing the viewer (dead pool style) when another known MCU character appears.
Blomsky is first given the Disney make over, hardly looking threatening as Abomination and the whole court case (with the female admirers looking on) is the same bad comedy as we've been seeing for a while now in MCU. Instantly dashing any hopes of the return of Blomsky as a credible MCU villain - his only outing being in 2008's Incredible Hulk film.
Wong's case is another utterly ridiculous comic caper and is demeaning to someone who played a good balanced character in Doctor Strange (2016). Only serving to further trivialise Doctor Strange and any future Doctor Strange films - adding to the irreparable damage done in No Way Home and Multiverse of Madness.
In the latest installment, as a side plot, Walters is struggling to get a date (painful and embarrassing to watch - nobody watches MCU for this) and eventually decides to date as She Hulk. Finally scores (awful scenes of She Hulk climbing onto a man on a sofa, departing for a time to fight some demons, then returning and carrying him up stairs only for him to leave the next morning as she has turned back into Walters and she's clearly not his type.
At best it's shallow, banal and mediocre, at worst it's yet another nail in the coffin of the MCU under the stewardship of Disney.
Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Unfunny, tasteless and crass
As the film begins, the opening scenes look slightly promising, but that illusion is quickly dispelled and it descends quickly into the typical MCU pantomime / comedic farce of bad jokes and cliches we have now come to expect.
"Guns N' Roses the Musical" anyone?
I suppose Gorr's transition into the God Butcher at least has some kind of back story, however shallow and unconvincing it may be. You can at least feel some empathy for Gorr and what he becomes - you can't empathise or connect at all with the other characters in this film.
Thor and the Guardians, which could have been an interesting combination, as we caught a glimpse of in Infinity War, is quickly squandered, with half hearted appearances and performances, in a few scenes strewn with more bad comedy and Thor engaging in comic battles with what looked likes large humanoid chickens.
One of the worst things about this dross, is that they took the plight of a terminally ill patient and trivialised it horribly. An astrophysicist is apparently a medical doctor now?
A new super hero is created in the blink of an eye. In one scene they're not a super hero at all - minutes later, they're a fully fledged one and just appear mid battle and on we go with more bad jokes. I have nothing more to say about this film...
Thor Ragnorok had the right balance of this kind of humour and arguably just about made it work - everything attempting to utilise the same formula since has been much too cheesy and Disney-esque.
Chris Hemsworth's Thor underwent a transition in the first two films and again in Thor Ragnarok to a character who had to cope without the hammer and find his true power. The loss of his homeworld, father, an eye and the hammer gave the character a new meaning, a new found humility and a more serious side - further deepened by the loss of his brother and many Asgardians at the hands of Thanos and creation of stormbreaker (now carried about like a plastic prop) in Infinity War. It seemed that since End Game, Marvel could only think about undoing what was done in those films, restoring the eye and the hammer (and the hair) and reinstating the more self absorbed and arrogant character of Thor (2011).
In End Game we saw Thor's unfortunate transformation into the slob - this was merely the beginning of preparing for Thor to go full circle back to the immature egotistical character in Thor (2011) - now further devolved into an even more foolish comedic character. Taking a character who lost his home world, mother, father, brother and a lot more - and turning him into a shallow, arrogant clownish character - forgetting all the lessons learned and throwing all that character aside. Compare with other MCU characters such as Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, etc who did not undergo these reinventions.
While Chris was never a great actor, his portrayal of Thor, the way he put the character across and his obvious charisma, is what many MCU fans will identify with as "on screen Thor" - it's my view that Disney/Marvel and various producers, writers and directors have taken the character and exploited it any way they saw fit - as they have also done with Hulk in the transition to "Smart Hulk" another Disney comedy character. These characters out now shallow and banal, as with everything else emerging from Disney in the last 20 years or so.
The ruination of the MCU Thor character and its transformation into a figure of fun, is now complete and will be difficult if not impossible to undo, and it's likely that only a complete reboot of MCU could save it and produce another Thor worthy of the price of a cinema ticket or Disney+ subscription. However with Disney in control and films like this still grossing hundreds of millions of $$$s, I'm not hopeful we will see anything like what we saw between 2008 and 2018 again.
Christian Bale's relatively good performance as Gorr couldn't save this. I'm amazed that Bale, Portman and Crowe signed up for this. This is right down there with Eternals, No Way Home and Multiverse of Madness.
Finally, the lack of Tom Hiddleston as Loki, does really show in this film - not that Hiddleston could have saved it.
Ms. Marvel (2022)
More dross
This is is the first MCU series that I have had to completely give up on after the first three episodes, I've managed to sit through the rest in their entirety.
The acting, plot and characters are simply empty and lifeless, like a cheap imitation of Spider Man Homecoming. After nearly 3 episodes of pure nothing, an unconvincing, sinister plot emerges, and another group of poorly acted generic characters with it. As with Eternals (more dross), the focus here is on inclusiveness, political correctness and very forced and obvious virtue signalling. As with Eternals there is no sign of a well developed antagonist/villain.
The protagonist is actually likeable and convincing in the part... and with some semblance of a plot, screenplay and decent production and direction may have actually pulled this off. As it stands any actor portraying Ms Marvel would have been unable to salvage this mess.
Unlike Spider Man Homecoming, the family are a multitude of superflous characters who get way too much time in front of the camera and who contribute next to nothing to the plot. It brings the whole thing down to "soap opera" level and no one watches MCU for that.
The friends of the protagonist are similarly pointless characters who are slotted in at certain points in a vague sub plot which you can only hope may be going somewhere, only to discover yet another pointless tangent shoe-horned into the story in order to put across some message or point.
No idea why some are giving this 8/9/10 ratings. I thought Falcon and Winter Soldier and Hawkeye were all steps down in quality, compared to Wandavision and Loki - now they look stellar compared to this offering. Disney clearly see MCU as a cash cow which they will shamelessly milk for all it's worth.