Change Your Image
sandcrab707
Ratings
Most Recently Rated
Reviews
Baywatch: My Father, the Hero (2001)
Linebacker Lunge
Evocative vox Jenna bamboozled. Just a little too Avid. No father. No hero. Nexplicable ep title. Psycho-freak friend does kamikaze dives. Better than being trampled by troglodytes. But not much.
Ten stars for sublime larynx. Zero stars for insufferably tedious daredevil.
Baywatch: Dead Reckoning (2001)
Serious Betty
Flu strikes. Jessie stirs up bad blood. Everybody squawks and screeches.
Impeccably bland but not snoozogenic. This ep aspires to snorefest status. You could never fall asleep with all these angry people shrieking. Three stars for red mouth paint transfer.
Baywatch: Trapped (2001)
McEwan deserves 750 smacks
Bodacious Bristols hurls on the sand. Leigh feuds with the Navy. Young Tex dances. Zack goes commando. Soporific paddle quest. Shawny plays detective with a hot blonde, just like da Byook used to do. No added value. Just another giga wack boor ep.
Baywatch: Boiling Point (2001)
No Lower Than A Foot Massage
Yummy Schuster. Dumb Darius futile try to reason with irrational jealousy. Fun-no Munroe schooled in IT. Zack n Cowboy bet on betty seduction. Animosity here, enmity there, heaps of irascibility. Eschew all inefficacious interaction with unvernünftige Eifersucht. They are bare bottomed swim positive. E'body gettin' played. It's funny. 5 Stars.
Baywatch: Dream Girl (2000)
Disobedience Backfires
Moron McEwan kills Darius, almost. Sensual voice Jenna jabs jive joker. Leigh lectures. Banal pedantry. Potsy want this boy's ass in a sling.
The Universe is messin' with Zack's head, and most of the story is laughably incongruent.
Baywatch: The Ex-Files (2001)
Righteous Pain Killers
Jenna kills the Z-man, almost. It's complicated. She avidly tries to cover her ass, which is by the way a really fine derriere, and her red top could slay dragons. Fun No Munroe preaches a lot, but they all ignore him. He wack.
Hideki is watching paint dry. Zero. Emmanuelle is out of this world. Ten.
Baywatch: Ben (2000)
Salty Wet Wanders
Dreary protracted convo. Some kind of dorky competition. Jive joker mind immersed in whist lucinashuns. Molto buffo. Viperfem induces a weebito bolnica fury. Too much drear = 0 Stars. Stunning chicks = 10 Stars.
Baywatch: Bad Boyz (2000)
Multiple heart emojis for Carrie and Leigh
Sean treats women like dirt. Zack treats women like dirt. Jason treats women like dirt. Did they want us to hate all their male characters? :-D Now we admire the hell outta Carrie and Leigh, tho' we're a bit frustrated that the gals don't feed rat poison to those vermin.
Baywatch: The Killing Machine (2000)
See Eye Eh?
This one is hilarious. Sexy ecoterrorists. Secret missions. Heavy chain wrap diving not recommended. Sean takes control. A+ beefy bodacious. And a pajama party! 20 stars.
Baywatch: Last Rescue (2000)
Downhill Fast
Erotic fallout from mass bumble bee attack enables Darius to find his wallet. (Horshack level ROFLs. 20 Stars)]
All the rest is doofy donkey dung. Turn it off after minute 5:08.
Baywatch: Baywatch O'Hana (2000)
Makin' Out On The Sand
Holy Toledo They Love To Talk About Drowning. Dawn plots to cockblock Shawny boy. But it's slinky smooth voice viperfem's fault for humble braggin' 'bout baggin' the beefcake.
Baywatch: Maui Xterra (2000)
Alley-Cat apollogizez
Albino lizard ghost tries to off cowboy hunk. Jessie exterras all over the place. Deceitful Dawn plays engineer on athlete's corpus. They all advertise Bally's.
Baywatch: Big Island Heat (2000)
Lotsa Lava
Viper strikes. Jive jackal hunts for anti-venom. Koala kisser copters wid Tex. They find Kevin. Sean has a good memory. Jenna is a bad person. That part's not hilarious. The hitchhiking is funny tho' _ Ten Stars.
Baywatch: Breath of Life (2000)
Grampa Cranky
Skinny chick got 'titude. Young Drogo learns respect. Kills a tree. Miss No Booty likes long wood craft.
Dawn disses Avid. Decadent dining, but no sex.
Baywatch: Thunder Tide (2000)
Tons of Flowers
Jessie hosed. Nothin' like a little sauerstoff to brighten yer day. Boobies n beer by giant mushroom and bubbling brimstone.
Dawn dumps deviant dumbo. Wandering Aussie pulchritudinous. Ten stars.
Baywatch: The Hero (2000)
A Lot Of Traditional Gifts
Obnoxious surfboy brutally beaten because housefly? Newmie drives fast. Kekoa moves on bossman. Dawn can't get on board with that. Auzziefem scares Shawnieboy. The story's coherent. Just wid large leaps o' illogic.
Pretty tips and asp. Three stars.
Baywatch: Lines in the Sand (2000)
Sean ate a snowcone off her chest.
Beheaded North Shore Lifeguard wait that's not right. Lemme try again. Close shave with shave ice and da Byook phones it in. Drogo flustered by nudist numbers.
Jay dee never bickers but he digs fox shows and Minx considerabl cross.
Baywatch: Liquid Visions (2000)
Experimental Death?
Dawn just a smidgen reckless with this thing we call life. Newmie's fault tho'. Dumb bureaucrat.
Lingerie pillow fight. Must be their best episode yet. 20 stars.
Baywatch: Path of Least Resistance (1999)
Owens Frosty
Aquaman gets dragged. Better than anyone.
Musty shrouded Florida liaisons phoenix, twirling Dawn's feely frame. Big strong Sean quells quandary.
Kai fail. But Darius defies defeat.
Baywatch: Gold from the Deep (1999)
With Nick's chaaaaahts we can...
Swamp thing in the sea. Dopes do danger deeds. These clowns perform a lot of really dangerous goofiness for no reason, then pretend it's "tough" training. Secret trove sows woes n makes foes not doughs. Dingodriver sensual sylph.
When has shouting ever hurt a team?
Baywatch: Sunday in Kaua'i (1999)
Jason feels bright
The eye-candy is atrociously marvelous, but the dialogue so hard to listen to. Like classic Baywatch, but they keep doubling down. Extra intense fantasy sexy bods + imbecilic scripts making excuses to show them. That said, hard to go wrong with that formula. 10 Stars.
Baywatch: Shark Island (1999)
Nothing makes...
...any sense in this ep.
There's skinnydipping,
massage,
and spooky visions.
After putting blindfolded cowboy on a cliff, Sean gets bonked in the head, and needs blindfolded cowboy to rescue him. Like headcheese but made o' shrooms.
While I'm sure the writers intended there to be some lesson learned here.... I'm also sure that I'll never know what it is.
Baywatch: Weak Link (1999)
sweet curvy erector set
Jive joker plays tough guy and kills brand new brandy babe, almost. Baywatch super safety studs slippin' again.
Tanner is back, if he's yer cup o' chai.
Stud wavy hair saves some suicidal youth. He don't let nobody die. 0.
Angry aussiefemme is bodacious boner bait. 10.
Masterton masters messin' wid J. D.'s noggin'. 10.
Really dull sailing filler montage. 0.
Baywatch: Aloha Baywatch (1999)
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Grasping-at-straws wavy hair depressed with no purpose hunkalicious stud recruits jive joker to drill drifters.
Not peak baywatch. Bleak baywatch. Five stars for stunning lithe orange-maned dingo-driving sylph.