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Reviews
Jing wu men (1995)
Great action for a TV series
Though clearly shot for TV, the packaged 2CD set I rented was still fantastic for all the action. Generally, such detailed fight choreography is rare for the small screen. They squeeze down 10+ hours to a mere 3.5 in the CD version, so the plot doesn't make too much sense. But it just means that the fighting comes more often. And with Donnie Yen at the action helm, you know it's quality.
If you are looking for good acting, logical events, maybe even a good romance story, then give this a pass. This is driven mainly by one-dimensional ideals of loyalty, family, revenge, and testosterone. But if you're a huge kung-fu fan and love typical HK TV plot lines, then this is definitely worth a watch!
Bi xie lan tian (1998)
Retarded
One of the most moronic HK films ever. Even the original Cantonese dialogue is horrendous. The hero is dull and the love interest is excessively annoying.
The gunplay is also ridiculous, filled with scenes where 10 gunmen miss the 2 heroes despite them being out in the open. In John Woo movies (The Killer, Hard Boiled), the heroes at least pretend to hide behind something. There's also one scene that has to be seen to be believed. A bad guy shoots a bazooka, and we see the missile come out. Then the explosion happens *behind* the target, as though it magically passed through. I can suspend belief for action films, but this is just sloppy choreography.
The martial arts is okay, but overemphasizes flashy acrobatics over real fighting or tactics. The lead actor seems talented enough, but is wasted in this action fluff. I would only recommend this movie if you've seen every other HK action movie already.
3/10
Paycheck (2003)
Insults your intelligence
Basically, the writers and John Woo decided that the audience is dumb enough to accept the overwhelming number of plotholes, moronic bad guys, cliches, and logical jumps. Even the action is uninspired by Woo movie standards. Just stay away from this movie.
A Minute with Stan Hooper (2003)
An embarrassment
Norm MacDonald is a comic genius, but Stan Hooper is just a huge embarrassment for him. The actors, other than Fred Willard, are awkward and amateurish. Norm himself looks stiff, which is a far cry from his entertaining stand-up acts, SNL skits, and even the Norm Show. If only he could get some real talent to help him out, Norm could get together a really huge hit show. As it is, FOX needs to unceremoniously dump this one so Norm can go back to the drawingboard.
The Avengers (1998)
Only film I ever walked out of
Horrible. Awful action scenes, terrible CGI, nonsensical script, and absolutely no chemistry between any of the stars.
The second I saw the giant teddy bear costumes, I knew the film had hit rock bottom. It was the first and only time I've ever walked out of a theater in the middle of a movie. Don't ever waste your time/money on this.
1/10
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
Good 4/5 of a movie
The first 4/5 of the movie were enjoyable. Davis made an entertaining (thought not terribly convincing) femme fatale/assassin. Jackson had some great lines like he usually does, but his semi-wimpy character pales in comparison to Jules in Pulp Fiction.
*Spoilers ahead*
The last part of the movie though was terribly unconvincing and extremely stupid. All the escape attempts and killings were not just unbelievable, but also predictable and silly. The bad guy was so dumb and so stereotypical, I couldn't believe for once second that he was a top federal assassin. Killing the hero in a slow, easy-to-escape way should have been left decades ago in Batman and Bond. Also, there's no way in hell her daughter emerged unscratched from that little cage on the truck after it flipped over.
And what a stupid epilogue... First part of the movie: 7/10; ending: 2/10.
Mad Movies with the L.A. Connection (1985)
I totally remember this awesome show
I must have been less than 10 years old, but this was the first real cable comedy show me and my older sister ever watched. Nickelodian was our dream channel at the time, and this would still fit right in on the Comedy Channel today. I'm really surprised no one ever did the idea again after all this time. I'm a big MST3K fan, but I think I liked Mad Movies just a little bit better.
I don't remember any of the episodes, and we used to have a ton on tape. They're probably long gone by now, but I still remember bits of the opening credits with closeups of everyone talking into mics. The only thing closely resembling this brilliant show is the similar game they sometimes play on Whose Line Is It Anyway, although that's improvised. In any case, I hope they re-air this show on Com Central sometime since it really is timeless... very few if any 80s jokes if I recall. Mad Movies!
Hap do Ko Fei (1992)
Extremely profane
I'm a big fan of bloody action movies (The Killer, Hard Boiled, Pulp Fiction) but this is the first one where the characters take so much joy in killing pointlessly. It's really very profane and the irrelevant touches such the bad guy being gay really make enjoying this movie very difficult. Only the action scenes involving Chow Yun Fat are entertaining, but the rest of the movie is just kind of disturbing.
Sex and violence can be crafted into a riveting film, but here they're just thrown in to fill out an empty plot. I'd score the film much lower if Chow Yun Fat didn't do so much with so little. 6/10.
Shanghai Knights (2003)
Rolling-in-the-aisles Hilarious
Better than Noon, this movie has tons of inspired jokes that come out of nowhere. Owen Wilson has the best lines in the movie, and Jackie Chan can still kick ass and look great, even if he's not as acrobatic as he was 20 years ago. The final fight was disappointing, but everything else makes up for it.
Best of all, no more Lucy Liu. Fanny Wong is so much better (and hotter), though they should have given her better fights. She always seems to need to be rescued. Also, the little kid wasn't as annoying as he could have been, so that's a big plus in any movie.
In all, a great movie that I'll be watching again and again (like the first). Yeah, there are a lot of stupid parts, but if you let your brain coast on neutral, this movie is packed with entertainment of all sorts.
Dip huet seung hung (1989)
Must be seen to be believed
I first watched this movie in dubbed English format, and I thought it wasn't anywhere near as good as all the hype. Then, I watched it in its original Chinese (which I understand), and I finally realized why this film is considered one of the greatest of all time. The original language is nearly poetic in style, and there is at least one set of subtitles out there (yellow in color) that come close to matching the nuances of the original.
Clearly, most if not all of the bad reviews you see here (many call it overrated) are from people who either watched a dubbed or poorly subtitled version. True, many of the scenes are unrealistic, but a case must be made here for style over substance. The insane 30-on-2 gunfights are so finely orchestrated as to be almost beautiful. If you want to watch unrealistic action that's ugly and comparably unentertaining, pick up any American movie from Rambo to Universal Soldier.
If you thought the action in The Matrix was cool and amazing, The Killer's gunfights will blow you away without any special effects.
Undeclared (2001)
Unrealistic
Besides a few short highlights during this series' run, it didn't reflect any of the real college experience. It was like someone who never went to college watched a bunch of college movies and wrote this show based on the biggest cliches. I'll admit I really liked the show at first, but half the main characters started to grate on me a few episodes in. Then everyone started acting like whining wimps.
Still, I was shocked when it got canceled, because I thought maybe another year and they could clean up their mess. But we're probably all better off without this show in the long run.
Dogma (1999)
Ham Fisted
Kevin Smith's script is worse than any Christian tract in terms of sheer ham-fistedness. The anti-religion cliches pour out predictably, far from being cutting-edge or insulting. I'm not religious at all, and I've heard a lot better reasons to question your beliefs than anything in this movie.
The acting isn't bad (except Salma Hayek, who says every line like it was a punchline to a corny joke), and there are a few segments that are worth a laugh. But the majority of the movie is just pseudo-intellectual crap that isn't saved by any kind of character development, plot twists, or even suspense.
The awfulness of this movie is summed up by the casting of Alanis Morissette as God. It's the kind of tongue-in-cheek joke that could only be funny to an audience in some alternate, retarded universe. Watch the scene in the board room, and that's about the only entertainment you'd get out the movie anyways.
4/10 stars
Fastlane (2002)
Edge of your seat
People mistake style for flash. This show coasts on charisma, and there's plenty of it. Who really cares if the show is like any other one that came before it? It works by itself and the acting really is great by today's prime time standards. Sure, it's no ER or even NYPD Blue, but it has enough awesome directing sense to keep you excited throughout.
Very Bad Things (1998)
Predictable character reactions, poor scripting
The characters reacted to the murder exactly as you would predict: one starts worrying and gets paranoid, another becomes controlling, others become angry and out-of-control. It's not so much the actions that are stiff, but the writing. I've never seen a movie about 5 guys covering up the murder of a prostitute, but I could swear that I've seen every scene in this movie, but made better in various other movies/shows put together.
It's like all of the characters are mentally retarded, especially Cameron Diaz's, and do only the stupidest possible thing they could do at any given moment. It could have been pulled off it was funny, but it just comes out as extremely annoying. 2/10.
National Lampoon's Van Wilder (2002)
Mostly unfunny, but you have to like Van Wilder himself
The only thing good about this movie (besides lots of hot girls) is Van Wilder himself. He could easily have been taken straight out of Animal House, and this movie could have lived up to that classic with a decent script and better actors. But it's hard to carry a film on one person's charisma; I mean, Animal House was fun because all the characters were lovable and you really could root for them. Plus they had a cool ending, not the quick-patch "Back to School" one they tacked on to this one.
Van Wilder's two toadies, a "wacky" blond black guy and an even "wackier" Indian guy take a lot of the blame for forcing this to be a one-person movie. They aren't just boring and one-dimensional, they seem to be acting that way on purpose. But the worst part of the whole movie is the villain (Tara Reid's boyfriend). He's so predictable and stereotypical that you can't force yourself to believe anyone ever really acts like that. All he needed was a curly mustache to twirl while cackling.
All that said, it's a movie you can still watch and wring some laughs out of on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Van Wilder the guy is funny, but that's about it. It probably helps to watch it drunk.
Futurama (1999)
Bring it back!
Not one of the greatest shows ever, but leagues ahead of most everything else on Fox. Futurama takes third place on the all-time animated list after the Simpsons and Family Guy.
Only thing I hate is Zoidberg. Fry (and Homer) and really stupid, but likably stupid. Zoidberg is annoyingly stupid. Maybe it's because his facial expressions are so limited. After breaking something, at least Homer can look sad, smile nervously, or look scared. Zoidberg just looks dumb, maybe even smug.
Otherwise, a pretty darn good show that needs to be brought back by the folks at Fox! Sans Zoidberg, of course.
Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)
Non-stop hilarious
The only thing I hated about this movie was that it didn't give me any breathing time: I was laughing too hard! Everyone says the jokes are recycled, but it's not true. Only the *type* of jokes are the same, but guess what? WHO CARES?! As long as the jokes are still funny, why do the *format* of the jokes have to be original?
People claim only stupid people will think this movie is funny. Well I'm an ivy league graduate doing cancer research, and I consider Mike Meyers a genius for pulling off so many laughs so consistently. If you don't like this movie, you either have no sense of humor or are one of those artsy-types who can't stand anything that resembles anything else.