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Bones: The Goop on the Girl (2009)
The manubrium in the cab driver
So after abandoning his kids and living on the run for all those years, now Max Keenan is all bummed that Bones is going away and they don't get to spend Christmas together? He is truly the worst.
This case has a pretty good twist-the heel turn from Georgia Hartmeyer is exquisite, if not particularly sensible on her part. And the stuff about the radio host feeling culpable for having put his vitriol out into the world and inspired violence feels pretty prescient now.
Side note: This is not the last time Bones will wear earrings that look like those things full of incense that priests wave around in orthodox churches. Keep an eye out.
Bones: The Beginning in the End (2010)
The snake in the hoard
Do people from the army really show up to stand silently and watch ex-soldiers from afar who they want to re-recruit? Because I've seen this trope in multiple shows and it seems inefficient.
Are Bones's earrings in this episode little tiny urns carrying the cremated remains of her pet beta fish? We'll never know.
The victim in this case was killed by a box fan, which is totally fine, definitely not a confirmation of what I thought was an irrational fear that's gonna haunt me forever, nope, totally fine over here.
I know Billy Gibbons is cool or whatever, but he would be the most annoying dad character on this show if it weren't for Max Keenan, and I could do without that entire plot line if it weren't for Sweets's magnificent meows.
Bones: The He in the She (2008)
The Two Pieces in the Bay
Everyone at the Jeffersonian needs to leave Mr. Nigel-Murray ALONE. He's adorable and the only good thing about this episode. Why do TV characters always hate the guy who's full of fun facts? Fun facts are awesome. People love fun facts.
I do not acknowledge the scene where he weirdly hits on Angela. So forced and unnecessary. But I really feel like Cam is hitting on him in his last scene, and honestly, I ship it.
Anyway, good for him for knowing his own worth and quitting at the end. Love that for him. (Btw, Jeffersonian people, if one intern left because you were all too distracted by your drama and he wanted to focus on work, and another one left because you were too focused and didn't appreciate his minor distractions, maybe YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.)
Obviously the rest of this episode is garbage, but you can't expect much better from TV made in 2008. All I'll say is that if you find yourself trying to explain trans people to someone like Booth by drawing distinctions between "transgender" and "transsexual" and giving detailed explanations of gender reassignment surgery...you're doing it wrong.
Bones: Mummy in the Maze (2007)
The corpse in the pile of corpses
A mummified corpse is found in a corn maze by a small child who ran into the maze and then immediately forgot what the point of a maze is. Booth also has no respect for the craft and totally cheats when it comes to finding the body in the maze.
The body's clothes lead them to a totally unconcerned thrift store man, who explains that people in clothes from his store show up dead all the time, and he has much more serious crimes to worry about, like Fornication and Gambling.
A second body is found at a Funhouse, where Booth talks to an EMT who gets a suspiciously large number of close-ups. He also talks to all the Funhouse employees and recognizes one of them from Boy Meets World, I mean from the corn maze. Turns out Boy Meets World hooks up with the girls, and then his girlfriend Lola roughs them up and sends them on their way. Later Booth threatens to start pulling out Lola's piercings not starting with the ones on her face, but I would be a lot more comfortable if he started with the ones on her face.
The squints figure out the theme of the killings, but no, Cam, the murderer is not literally scaring girls to death. He is literally drugging and burying them to death.
They call up some poor harried pet shop owners to inquire about their snake inventory, and goddamn it people, don't you know it's Halloween, PEAK snake season, and if you want a whole bunch of snakes you should really order ahead?? The killer has already scooped up all the available snakes in the area, which tells us his latest victim, Megan, is still alive.
Booth and Bones manage to save Megan! Hooray! I wonder if anyone will tell Megan her mom had already given her up for dead.
Bones: The Secret in the Soil (2007)
The Button in the Skin Slippage
This week's crime scene is at the VA hospital which is closed on Saturdays because apparently veterans don't need medical attention on weekends. There's a huge crowd at the scene (horny teenagers, they come for the make outs and stay for the maggoty decomposing body). Bones temps this particular decomposing body at 127 degrees, so on its way to a nice medium rare.
Turns out the victim was the owner of Sprouts, I mean Natural Sun Markets, so we get a full episode of Perspectives on Organic Food in 2005. Booth, who has never heard of cancer, argues that people live longer now because of pesticides. The pineapple farmer is my personal hero, and I don't know why his stationary-bike-run-blender has not become a thing. Booth asks for his pineapple smoothie in a to go cup, even though it was already in a mason jar, the ultimate to go cup-just slap a lid on that bad boy and don't worry about bringing it back, I'm sure pineapple guy has more.
At the compost place, one of those crazy eco terrorists (meaning people who believe in organic farming) says Frank couldn't possibly care about the environment because he has air conditioning...in Virginia...
We should all be much more suspicious of how Emma's stalker can afford a motel room because no one is buying homemade hemp oil body products from this man. No one.
The key to solving the case ends up being a pair of sunglasses made of (gasp!) bamboo! Can you imagine??? In the year of our lord 2021, half my belongings are made of bamboo, so yes I can.